Heres a brief run down of things. I have been married for 10yrs. What I thought 8 yrs happily married. I am WW , DH and I had been married for 2 yrs only when I messed up. We seperated for a few months. He took me in while I was rock bottom. I came back though answering all questions he had, and wanted to try and get what I might have had left of a marrage back. He moved me out of the apartment I was living in, moved me into my mothers. January of 1999. He lived 5 miles from me. I cut all ties to the OM. When DH and I were talking of getting back together I asked him severeal times if there was A. someone else. B. anything he wanted to tell me. He didnt.
After a bit he told me there was someone else and that she gave great oral. Of coarse I didnt fight nice with him becasue I would tell him things like see what I didnt was so messed up...etc... and that was wrong. Well he retracted the story telling me that he made it up to get even with me and try and hurt me then. I dropped all accusing.
Jan 9 2007 We started arguing when he called my work. He told me if I wanted to talk to wake him up when I got home. I did. He told he hes been holding onto something for 8 yrs and needed to talk to me about it. I told him to tell me. He told me that he and the OW did do something and that it was wrong. He has been holding it in for 8 yrs. He makes it seem that I knew all a long but I didnt. I thought he told me just to get even and hurt me back.
I feel old wonds have opened up. Is this right even though I am a WW to feel this way after so long> I hurt, I cry, I try and be strong but how much more can I do this. I dont want a seperation. He wants one. Well makes it out to wanting one.

I gotta go
A pretty face

does your husband post on Mb forums?

Pep

DramaFWH

aside from the horrible thing he just did...

how has he been as a husband?
loving?
attentive?
a good provider?
a good listener?

Pep

A_Pretty_face,

The way your H did what he did was just mean and YES I am a guy. However, if we set this aside for a moment, could you answer Pep's questions?

IF you decide you do want this marriage to continue, then the tools are here on this site to rebuild and change your marriage into something very special. It will take work, some disappointment and a lot of self-evaluations.

Please read the articles one the site. I think they will open your eyes. Yes, you do have a right to feel hurt.

It is also very clear that you two did little to address the fall out from YOUR affair and it is still festering. This can be addressed, especially with both of you posting here.

What will have to change is PERSPECTIVE. Neither of you have to change yourselves, but you both will have to change your perspectives on things and how you see your spouse.

I think there is a lot of hope for this marriage, but you two really need to read about the policies of radical honesty, and the Joint agreement.

Must go. Listen to what Pep has to say to you.

God Bless,

JL

pretty,

So as I see your situation, you had an A and in its aftermath you suspected your husband of having a retaliatory A of his own? These situations have been simmering beneath the surface ready to erupt when the situation deteriorates at home and that has just happened.

Since your husband is not here, let's find out more details of your life and your A. What have you done to make up for the A? How have you treated your husband? How have YOU changed?

This is why you don't have affairs....consequences last for years or forever in most cases.

I hope you and your H recover from this.

I guess I should be full honest on this ...
Aside from certain acts I do not like to do in the bedroom, he is very very attentive, provides everything. Gives me the world if he could. He listens to me. And up till the other day I didnt feel there was anything wrong in the marrage till he told me this .. and he told me only to hurt me... and he told me because while we were seperated from my A he rec'd something from the OW that I have no desire to do even to this day.
But yes DH provieds for me and the kids. He takes care of the house, the kids while Im at work. Gets them ready for school and daycare so I can sleep cause my hrs are different from his.

this sounds hopeful indeed

and has your H been a good father to the OC as well? (7 or 8 year old, correct?)

Pep

As in making up for the A I have been honest. I answer DH questions. I cut all ties to the OM ... The moment I left my apartment. I believe I am not self centered I think of family and others before my needs alot more now then i did then.

He says the OC is his... When he knows hes not the birth father. He suggests to get presents to send to her. We arent rasisng the OC but he makes it a point we are in her life.

I think this is not as complicated as it sounds. Hurtful and needing to be dealt with in M counseling, yes.

You broke your husband's heart (a H by your own words is a good man, father (even to OC) and partner). This pain was deep, deeper than you will ever understand (been there, done that, got the T shirt). He wanted to hurt you. He wanted you to feel a little something akin to what he felt. He wanted to see you cry, hurt, not be able to sleep, etc. I am condoning what he did? By no means. Do I condone separated but still M spouse having sex or R with another person until they are D'd, no. It is what it is and both of you were wrong. It doesn't matter that if you had not had the A we may not be talking here now. It doesn't matter that your H wanted to see you hurt like he's hurt. What matters is moving forward and building a better M.

Stop beating each other up over this. Get M counseling and talk all of this out, be completely honest with one another, design the M you would like to have and then get a plan for getting it. Talk about hang ups (your's must Oral Sex) in the bedroom as this appears to be an issue for H.

You two have an excellent chance to build a new M here using MB principles.

do you mind saying why not?

Pep

Part was due to finances. We couldnt keep food on the table enough for our at the time 2 yr old. Other was because we didnt want to deal with OM in our life. DH and I picked a family we liked and gave her up at birth. We get to talk to her and if in the state go visit her.

thanks ...

how are you doing today?

Pep

hurt and alot of crying ...
but DH is answering all questions I have. and leaving me alone when I need to be alone... I have to laugh because this is one of many things hes come to terms in telling me the truth on lately...

BTW, we have a MC meeting on the 16th.

You're gonna be OK prettyface ...

it "this" the "thing" you refused to do & what started the fighting?

Pep

yes

He said hes been feeling lonely. And doesnt understand why I dont do what he wants in the bedroom. I understand its not just about oneslef in the bedroom, you should do what one likes to the other. But when its a turn off..should I>> He has gone to tell me during all this fighting that he would find someone to do it... I think he said that to get a rise out of me but didnt get it... He told me he wants a seperation... and then told me of the OW

you two have a real chance to stay happily married... what you have are workable issues

but no more lying from either of you

take care of each other
you are a family

Pep