So, here I am on the divorce thread. I was so hopeful I'd end up on the recovery thread.

I am working hard on a new beginning and mostly doing quite well, BUT I am still incredibly angry and resentful.

My therapist gave me something to read outloud and really mean it. It is from Bert Hellinger and should be what a married couple say to eachother when they decide to divorce. Let's see if I can translate it:

"I accept what you have given me. It was a lot and I will keep it in honor as I take it with me. What I have given you, I have been happy to give and you can keep it. I take responsibility for my part in what has gone wrong between us and leave you with your part. Now I will leave you in peace."

I do fine with everything except the "what I have given I have given happily and you can keep it" part. At this point in time I would still like to take back everything that I have given that man, both material and otherwise, especially everything I have given ever since his affair began. I find myself wishing that God would strike down and punish my XH by making him feel all the suffering that his affair has caused not just to me, but our children, OWH, extended family, our friends, etc.

These negative thoughts only damage me and keep me from truly freeing myself from all the suffering. Worse, these negative thoughts also hinder my children.

How do I get beyond all this anger? How do you forgive someone that doesn't seem to want, need, or care about being forgiven?

My forgiveness may not be necessary for XH, but it is for me and for my children.

I've had absolutely no contact with XH since October and I certainly don't plan to be buddies with him in the future. I don't speak poorly of him in front of the children. I don't hinder D12 from visiting him on weekends and when I need to go on a business trip, she also stays with him and his XSIL looks after D12 when XH is working.

There are available men that have shown interest lately. There is one that I would even consider dating.

LT...

I'm so happy to see you posting again - one my 'old crowd' - not many of us left now.

But I am sorry for what you are going through. It is much the same for me.

People say that forgiveness is for yourself, not for the one who hurt you, and I guess that's true, but no-one tells you how to 'do it', do they? It's not as if we want to carry around all that hurt and bitterness, after all.

I am reading a book by Janis Abrahms Spring called 'How Can I Forgive You?' which suggests for those who have been very badly hurt by the utterly unrepentant, that acceptance, rather than forgiveness, is more appropriate. I am finding it very helpful.

I wrestled a long, long time, trying to 'forgive' my ex, when he (through the OW, who now completely runs his life) continued to deliberately hurt me. I think I am now beginning to let go of my anger and resentment, and not give this sad pair so much control over my life.

I know it's a cliche, but I honestly think that the passage of time is the main thing that will help people like us. That, and a daily mantra of positive thought!

I find the hardest thing to accept is that there is no fairness, and no justice. Everyone on these boards told me that my ex would hit rock bottom, that he would be sorry for what he did, but that just hasn't happened - and I honestly think it never will. He and Omelette are as tight as they ever were, the kids have completely accepted the situation, as has everyone else. Only I still rage against the injustice of it all - and only to myself. Like you, I really don't post much any more.

I also have no contact with my ex. We are divorced, but our finances have yet to be divided. We will face each other in court for the first time at the end of March, although we won't be allowed to speak - only our attys will. We can just glower at each other across the table. After the assets are divided, I fully expect the happy couple to marry. The thought of that doesn't bother me that much, actually - I have been through much worse.


I want it all back too. I know I can't have it. I also want God to strike down my ex. I don't think he will, though. More than anything I want some acknowledgement of the agony Noddy has caused, just one iota of regret. I'm not getting that either, and guess I never will.

I can't see any way forward apart from acceptance. I don't think I need or should forgive my ex. How can you forgive someone who doesn't give a d*mn?

{{{LT}}}

Alph.

Oh, and about the dating thing...

It's great to have members of the opposite sex show interest after the divorce. But take it S L O W L Y...

I jumped straight in with an old friend after my D who wanted to marry me - said I was his soulmate, that he'd always loved me etc. It isn't going well. The first one you date after the divorce isn't ever going to be the 'one', and can only be a rebound, I think. Just a shame I rebounded with an old friend.

So, have fun, but don't take it seriously for a while...

JMVHO. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

"Forgive to let yourself free" never worked for me
What it worked is - kind of opposite
I let myself free than "forgave" him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

How?
- Acceptance
- I forgave MYSELF
- Worked hard to love MYSELF (more than anything else) (and this was the most difficult part)

And now, forgiving him or not, with damage done, has no value/importance anymore...

LT,

I have been seperated for over 2 years now and the anger has really subsided and I feel more at peace with forgiving her. I also really had to work on forgiving myself. We betrayed spouses place ALL the blame on ourselves.

What I tell myself is my X was not happy... for whatever reasons that I may never understand, she was not happy. And I know I tried to make her happy. So, if she truly was unhappy, then I think she did the best she could. She did not like the fact that she had all these emotional affairs and then a physical one. She did not like that she was lying to me all the time. I know the things she did caused her shame and even more sadness. But she did the best she could.

Then I tell myself the same, "I did the best I could." When she left I was so full of anger that I did not recognize myself. After she left I would call her and scream at her, I would send her nasty emails, I would beg for her to come back, anything... But at that time, I was doing the best I could do.

So, can you tell YOURSELF you did the best you could? Have you forgiven yourself yet???

BTW, My advise to you is, don't date until you are completly healed.

BHINWI,

Your ex has at least shown, as you say, shame and sadness. LT's ex has shown neither of these things. I still say that acceptance, rather than forgiveness, is more appropriate in this instance.

Forgiving someone who isn't sorry seems cheap to me. I believe that forgiveness, like respect, needs to be earned.

Alph.

Alphin,

Good point... every situation is different. I know my X is hurting and sorry.

Keith

I have forgiven WH - I think I did it - by ACCEPTANCE.

I accepted the fact that he is who he is, he doesnt' care who he hurts or what ANYONE thinks of him. I had a hard time with that since I am someone who wants to be liked by everyone, someone who cares about others feelings, someone that wants to be respected by others.

I had a really had time forgiving his actions against me,t me, family, MOW families, etc. I just had to shake loose of that and ACCEPT who he is and that we are different people. What I want isn't what he or what anyone may want. And that's OK.

When he hits the pearly gates, he will finally be accountable for his actions, I can't protect him there. He will stand alone.

I am working on forgiving myself for my reaction to his actions - it's tough, but, I will get there.

I am struggling with how do you forgive the many MOW/OW for stepping into your life. I want to forgive them, I just can't..That will be tough and I may never get to that point.

HUGS>>>>> and learn to ACCEPT what has been dealt..His remorse, etc. may only come when he hits the pearly gates....

You know, I find myself in a similar situation as you. I too have been increasingly angry at my STBXW. I found acceptance by saying to myself that I was allowed to be angry, and not tell myself that I shouldn't feel that way. My X cheated on me with another married man, and then said oops. Oops is what happens when you put your shoes on the wrong feet... Once I allowed myself to almost embrace my anger, I started to work past it. My kids, 5 and 2, were the one place in my life where I found happiness, being a father was the one thing in all of this that gave me direction. Their mother, well, goes out to bars and thinks that is what life is about.

As for dating goes, I'll tell you how I feel. I don't think it is fair to put myself out there if I am just not ready. I feel it wouldn't be fair to waste another woman's time by going out there if I just wasn't ready to trust another woman with my soul again. Until then, I am happy enough being a father.

Oh, and there is an old saying I heard somewhere... "Forgiveness and penitence go hand in hand" Essentially meaning that you cannot forgive one who is not sorry.

K

I think even if you heard the sorries they wont help relieve any pain. I had my ex W say she was sorry but she continued the bad behavior. I told her she can keep her sorries unless you stop the cheating. I will tell you this was one of the hardest roads to travel but keep your head up and make good choices for you and your kids. And always take the high road you will see rewards later in life.

I don't know. I think it does make a difference to hear the words. It's better than your ex acting like they've done nothing wrong at all. If you've heard the sorries, you've no idea what it's like to live with an utter lack of remorse.

Besides, real remorse (not those 'easy sorries') comes when the affair is over and the effects of what they have done finally become apparent to the WS. That can be a very long process, and hasn't yet happened for LT.

LT, where have you gone? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Alphin, I agree. At the moment the only peaceful place attainable is acceptance. I can get there. I even feel incredibly close to being there on some days. Forgiveness is beyond my reach at the moment, so I put it in that higher being's hands to take care of for me ... I put it away, pass on that responsibility.

I've been off the AD drugs since summer. My therapy now is work, work, work, work, and fun with D12, a new puppy, and lots of hikes and walks in the fresh air.

I still have those days where I think about what I should have done differently. This last weekend was an example. I spent the whole time thinking about how I should have saved myself the whole Plan A and Plan B. The first time I caught my H lying and suspected the A in summer 2001, I asked him straight out and he denied, acting appalled that I could ever suspect him of such a terrible thing. At that point, I should have hired a PI, collected the evidence. Then I should have divorced him on the spot and taken our house and everything in it, leave him with all the debts, and gone back to the States.

Should have could have would have.

If I had done that I could not have forgiven myself for not trying, for not going the extra mile, for not giving him a chance to keep everything that we had built up together.

Unlike you Alph, I've already got things sorted financially. I took a big pay-off instead of alimony which would depend on my income and on whether or not I married again. (Better deal, since I plan on eventually earning more than XH!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />) I just get child support for D12.

He kept the house and all of the debts. He also had to buy me a posh little 3 bedroom condo with a southside view of the Alps in the city. What else have I got? Well without an aging MIL to nurse, two households and a garden to keep, no shirts to iron, and no demands from a self-justified tyrant WH to meet --- I have a heck of a lot of time to invest elsewhere. D19 is off to college and I thought this would be a good time to fulfill D12's greatest dream of having a dog. We have a 6 month old Cavalier King Charles Spaniel!

D19 doesn't come by often. She is too busy at university. When she does have free, she spends her time with my XH. XH treats her like his wife, sharing the minivan with her, buying her jewelrey, taking her with to official social functions, as well as to dinner and romantic weekend holidays. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> OW's situation has not improved ... ever since I made the A public, XH is too embarrassed to be seen in public with her, but I imagine she still gets to crawl under his desk at the bank from time to time.

Then there is my work. My career has truly taken flight. I am venting my anger in creatvity. I miss D19 terribly, but it is time to let go. She never went through a rebellious phase, was always a good kid ... I think she is cutting the apron strings. I don't think that she will really believe forever that I was a fool for leaving such a nice and perfect husband. I really love my work
and I am studying again, working on my master's and this help's divert my mind from all the bitter resentment I feel.

I don't really have time to date, but I do have a special male friend who joins me on my walks and hikes often and I also see him with work-related things frequently. I am sure it could be more if I wanted it to be. I can tell by the way he looks at me. Still, he applies no pressure and I am sure he is not gay!