I am the Ws: Back ground, married for 3 plus decades . Long term E/A , B/S helped me to realize probably yrs.
P/A probably 10 mos., Not sure yet when exactly, sounds like bull, but the truth.
B/S found out and attempted suicide.
We started MC, I lied and minimized constantly to both B/S and counselor. Eventually the counselor took my side. We figured out we had the wrong counselor and quit.
We have been with Jennifer 2 or 3 mos. Now. Both of us have been reading MB and we have bought most of the books.
I don’t yet have all of the answers but I want it for both of us desperately. I am working hard trying to remember and get them , But BS doesn’t believe me . I guess I don’t blame her because of my past record of truthfulness.
BS is very frustrated with me , not any more than I am with myself . I know what I did crushed her, one of the things I’m trying to figure out is why after decades together why did I fall off the fence ,so to speak.
I realize I’m an adult most of the time and am responsible for my actions. Right now I feel like the lowest life form on this planet. I also know there is lots of self pity there, but that’s how I feel.
DD was 11 mos. Back , No contact since OP since they called 10 mos. Back. and I told them that it was over.
I guess I,m looking for insight to help me and my BS. Get thru this. I want to work this out for both of us. I love BS very much . I know it would be easier on both of us if all the truth would come out.
I see my BS in such a different light , she doesn’t believe I can and have changed, I can’t wait to get home from work to be with her, even though she usually works later than me. I call her all the time, bothering her,but I am a WS that hates myself for this. Please help I’m at my wits end , BS is worse. Lots more to tell like STD’s and such , but that’s for another time.
Gilligan

Well, you have the best in counseling, and that is vital.

The problem is that a terrible betrayal takes several years to process. So what is going to help your wife most is time.

I hope you HAVE been completely honest, and told her how sorry you are.

Would she consider posting here?

She already is posting we agreed not to let each other know who we are, for now.Melody lane has been responding to her posts today.

Got it. Melody is the best. Your wife is in good hands.

You do need to come up with the answers about whatever details she needs about the affair. It is also important to figure out "the Message of the Affair", which is a chapter in the book "Torn Assunder".

I would spend some time thinking about it. I would quote it word for word, but lent the book to my WH 3 years ago, and we are divorced now.

But there were examples, like feeling flattered by the attention of an OP, feeling disappointed in how your life turned out, a vague feeling of disatisfaction, as an easy way to sooth yourself in after a crisis, etc.

Until you and your wife know the "why" of the affair, there is no safety for her that it won't happen again.

Gilligan:

When Mel starts responding to yours, you will know that you have arrived....

Welcome to MB. If you are in counseling with the Harley's you really do have a shot at recovering your M.

Simple truth is you need to start telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. You have 4-5 years to clear up, maybe more. That is a huge breech. But you can do it. Just go back to the truth.

OK?

Hi Gilligan. Welcome to MB. I had a long post but then I took too long to post it, didn't copy it into Word & I lost it. Sheesh! The downside of cyberspace! teehee

I'll be back w/my thoughts once I've wrote them all down again.

Thank you believer & LG for replying I truly want this to work, thanks again.

Believer, I Forgot to ask which book is that in, thanks

Tom Carder's "Torn Asunder".

Oops, make that Dave Carder.

"I know it would be easier on both of us if all the truth would come out."

only you have the power over that one. what is holding you back from being honest? why, if you love her so, are you NOT giving her this gift of honesty?
i am a bs, so i know the pain. i also know the pain of not having the truth given to me. the not having the truth is way worse than anything you will tell her. just do it....deal with the consequences and finally allow her to heal. getting the truth in dribs and drabs is like "dying a death of a thousand cuts."

A lot of the things she needs to know ,I don’t have yet!, they are actually reasonable & easy questions if I had the answers, which I don’t. She has already asked & I have told her things that would make most peoples eyes fall out , but she asked & I told. I’m trying to go thru old papers trying to get something to spark my memory.I hope it helps.

Exactly what questions don't you have the answers to?

Have you read Joseph's letter?

Thanks for vote of confidence, y'all.

Gilligan, I am glad you came over and started posting to us. It sounds like you are sincere about resolving this. One of the hardest things in recovery is rebuilding the trust that was damaged. It is hard for a BS to trust again, and hard for a wayward spouse to confess such sordid details, especially when their spouse lambasts them for the truth. It is very emotionally charged, to be sure.

But here is one of the most important things I have learned on this forum. It is best to get it all out there as early as possible, no matter how sickening, putrid or disgusting. You will pay DEARLY if you withhold anything or try to gloss anything over. Because she will KNOW. A BS is like a BLOODHOUND. She will sniff out every little bit even if it takes her 50 years.

And every little tidbit she squeezes out will put you right back into the doghouse again. Except it will be worse becasue she had to pry it out.

This is why it is better to just suck it up and get it all out there at once. Much easier to recover from one wound than 1000.

Of course, if you are willing to spill your guts and get it all out there, she has to be willing to not make it hard on you. She has to be willing to not lovebust you or punish you when you get it out there, no matter how ugly and putrid.

How well do you feel you are doing in getting the truth out there in the open? What would help you get the full story out there so you can move forward in recovery?

The STD thing is a real problem for me. It's bad enough having a husband betray you, but adding an STD to the mix makes recovery that much tougher.

G

I notice one of the things your wife wants is the time reference. Why is that so hard?

Ok yes you may remember it was the 1 April etc [por attempt at joke] BUT surely you can give her some reference like it was late or early June of etc??????
Then explain why you are not that clear. Messed up or what ever.

Look I was a WW too and when my H wanted to know EVERYTHING I did not want to tell him. There was the shame etc but the main reason was FEAR. I felt if he knew all he would dump my butt to the curb. I felt the 'details' were so overwhelming that it would destroy what ever hope we had.
It didn't he had already decided to give it a go he just wanted to sort out the time frames. Yes he was somewhat bitter for a while..and why not? ... but we got through these things. So will you.

Hard? freakin right it was. is.

OK you may have been flakey at the time but can't you see that your previous responses have created a problem on top of everything else? Sit down, write out, month by month, what you were doing in general and that will give you some reference to help your w. Look if you are simply afraid that letting her know the A went on longer or it was a second A or something like that you must get it out now. You need to come clean on it all. How can you both heal if you don't know for sure what went wrong?

Get your credit card, banking details out, get them from the bank again whatever, sit down and get THAT info.

AW

I would like to thank everyone for responding to my post, I’d like to add to it .
Acouple of days ago OP son came to where I work for a job thru a temp service .I told BS about it when I got home it was a couple of hrs. after getting home being sick and frustrated with me she wasn’t happy that I didn’t call and tell her. That was the nite of our counseling session , Jennifer gave me a 5 min. rule to go by ,to call BS no matter what and tell her about anything that comes up well this guy got hired today and started in a part of my building I don’t ever have to go to. I lived by my guide lines and attempted to call BS at work, phone not working, finally got thru on cell and told. I can avoid sight and contact with him my job allows me this , due to the fact that I have been there longer than I have been married.
Now BS I think believes OP got him planted there to keep track of me .
I have no control over hiring temps, and it is a temp job I found out . This guy has been in lots of trouble I made HR aware of this . on top of that ccard receipts came today , even though I hope it sparks memories to clear the past , really don’t feel up to going thru them tonite and spending rest of nite up due to the day I have had at work.. I know , more self pity. I would again like to thank everyone for taking time out of your lives to read my posts .
Gilligan

G TELL HER WHAT YOU ARE DOING TO GET THOSE TIMES FOR HER

it shows you are taking her requests seriously and allows her to have some, even if small, confidence you want to really work on your M and R with her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

OK its Friday for you guys so make sure you have all you need for the research on the weekend and put head down and posterior up and do it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You may not get an exact day or week but even a fortnight or part of a month is better than 'it could be within 3 or 4 months I'm not sure'

Please get busy and do something! BS's get tired of talk.

I can't believe that your life is so complicated that you can't come up with answers to her questions.

"really don’t feel up to going thru them tonite and spending rest of nite up due to the day I have had at work.. I know , more self pity."

this is not self pity-----IT IS PURE SELFISHNESS.

i am going to control what i really want to say to you...but i will leave you with this......DO YOU REALLY THINK SHE LOOKS FOWARD TO WHAT SHE GOES THROUGH EVERYDAY WAITING FOR YOU TO GET IT??? and....she had absolutely NO choice in what was heaped on her. you had better get your head out of your (_|_) pronto---or you will loose her.....

but by all means....take your time.....she can suffer till you get comfortable....