Gill,

Sorry I didn't notice your post.

My advice. Get through the timeline. Let the dust settle then make a decesion.

I was like your W. My FWW refused to give me honesty. I focused on the A too.

When she finally decided to be honest things started getting better.

I really, really resented her lies. I couldn't look at her and respect her knowing she was lying.

I agree that the timeline can take time. Somewhat like you stated.

Your versions are pretty much the same.

The comparison is normal.

With my FWW the SF is a way to enhance our love and there is no woman tha could compare because of that.

I haven’t posted in a while , partially cuz I didn’t know what to update you on. We are in our 3rd weekend of the time line and things just seem to be not going very well. I thought things were going ok for a while now I feel like they aren’t

In all of these last weknds I have been truthful even when I didn’t like what I had to tell. Bs said she wouldn’t decide until after we were thru the line. IMHO I don’t think that is entirely true, DJ, but I can’t help it due to the way things seem to be.

Things don’t seem to be getting better with every talk things seem not to be getting worse. BS says she thinks I’m minimizing more now than before . that is untrue , when I say you think I’m lying again her comment is I didn’t say that.

SF is something that doesn’t happen any more , on tues. BS said she felt I wasn’t interested in her any more, three times since that day I asked for SF and have been turned down. BS believes that OW aroused me more and for longer periods of time. That isn’t true , but I can’t get that through to BS. How do I get thru to her that I was wrong in what I did and what to make amends?

Things don’t seem to be progressing the way they should be and I don’t know how to change this. Honesty is all I can give her, which I am but to no avail.

Gilligan

I haven’t posted in a while , partially cuz I didn’t know what to update you on. We are in our 3rd weekend of the time line and things just seem to be not going very well. I thought things were going ok for a while now I feel like they aren’t

In all of these last weknds I have been truthful even when I didn’t like what I had to tell. Bs said she wouldn’t decide until after we were thru the line. IMHO I don’t think that is entirely true, DJ, but I can’t help it due to the way things seem to be.

Things don’t seem to be getting better with every talk things seem not to be getting worse. BS says she thinks I’m minimizing more now than before . that is untrue , when I say you think I’m lying again her comment is I didn’t say that.

SF is something that doesn’t happen any more , on tues. BS said she felt I wasn’t interested in her any more, three times since that day I asked for SF and have been turned down. BS believes that OW aroused me more and for longer periods of time. That isn’t true , but I can’t get that through to BS. How do I get thru to her that I was wrong in what I did and what to make amends?

Gill,

All I can say is it is a two way street.

You messed up royally my friend but that does not entitle you to a life of misery.

Get through this completely. You need to take control of the ship and say I don't want to drag this out. Set a timeline for the timeline.

You cannot take the next 7 weeks doing this.

Get it out and let the dust settle. Of course things are getting worse.

The honest truth hurts. She is getting old wounds opened. Finding new ones.

Our MC said it is like when you break an arm and it doesn't heal right.

You need to rebreak it. Hurts like heck then you need the cast again but in the end it will heal right.

You are rebreaking the arm. Hopefully it will lead to a good recovery.

bumping for gilligan...........

Post deleted by Gilligan

Gill,

I wish I had something for you.

Some people cannot get over the betrayal.

Your wife might be one of them. Do what you can do.

Like I said before you messed up but she needs to decide to move forward or try to punish you.

To be honest I wish my FWW put together a timeline and put forth the effor you are.

Well fnm you just helped me kill the M BS leaving now just cuz I didn't have all he facts

BS let phone ring onex then hung up OW called back to see who was calling her I did my wife a huge injustice by not having all the facts now she is leaving for good cuz now I have embarassed her again this time one frt of people who she was asking for help to fix what this jerk started

huh?

Gill,

I don't think she will. I am actually your advocate when it comes to your wife.

I have told her you are human with an imperfect memory. I also told her she needs to let you get through the TL.

I also told her not to compare herself to OW.

After reading the effort you put into doing these things I told her I wish my FWW did that.

Gill realize what I keep telling you and that is you need to be honest which I believe you are trying then decide where you are going.

So she needs to be willing to help fix it too.

What she seems to be missing is her part in the deterioration of the M before your A.

Gil,

I spent last night and this morning searching down this link...it's to an online book (pdf) I found three years ago. I hope this is it. There are now hundreds of thousands of hits for affairs and marriage. Wasn't like that in my memory, when I was desperately searching.

"Infidelity Crisis: How to Gain Forgiveness and Respect After Your Affair"

Gives you concrete steps to take on that road to redemption as a wayward spouse.

I don't understand how you came to over a year in NC and at this point. I don't believe your choice to believe that your BW is looking for a way out is healthy. Lacks respect. She's been there for over a year.

I'm praying for you and your marriage. For your fears and your pain. Healing comes through actions and choices...and I have no doubt you can do this...I hope this is the tool you were missing.

LA

Thank you LA for your support I do want my life with my wife back it just seems that everything I do is the wrong path. I still have issues with myself that I want and need to address. I believe the largest is honesty, not just with her but also with myself.

Everyone tells me just be truthful sounds easy doesn"t it.I picked an IC to help me with this issue,but he isn't the right C.Now I'm back on the road of trying to find someone else. That is tough almost all C in my area are out 6-8 wks, thats alot when our M is where it is at right now.BS was leaving last nite,but fell asleep, which gave me a 12 hr. reprieve. Last nite she said when she leaves its for good,NC period!I'm not sure at this point if I will see her or she will be here this evening. I do believe her she hasn't lied to me at all thru this,I wish I could say the same for myself.

I got the book,I read the web page now I'm going to start on the book,I was never a good reader before,but I am going to be now.

Thanks again so much for the book and yours and everyone else's help. not quite sure where I'd be right now emotiionally. BS needs lots of support right now that I can't give to her,if we are going to survive this, my love is what she needs,but support from someone else,she has my love and my heart in the hands right now I pray she just doesn't squeeze the life out of it by leaving.




Gilligan

"I do believe her she hasn't lied to me at all thru this,I wish I could say the same for myself."

did you lie to her again?

what happened?

Gil,

"I got the book,I read the web page now I'm going to start on the book,I was never a good reader before,but I am going to be now."

Hold onto this...this is how you are honest with yourself, when you haven't been. This is how you are honest with others, when you have not been. This is how we recognize, amend and redeem.

You already know how. You are going to be now.

I understand reading can shut your brain down...let loose the rampant inner dialogues of criticisms...doing it anyway is the key.

For you. For your life. Which IS half your marriage...all of your commitment and the new way to live.

Please find an MC who does IC. They are out there. I did an internet search for "marriage counselor" "Christian" "pro-marriage"...do the same. This is your life...nothing is more important.

My heart hurts for you...I know where you are now...I remember. I heard my FWH say in this breaking voice, "How? How can I be honest with you when I'm not even honest with myself?"

The answer is...together. That's how. It isn't managing honesty, it's managing your fear...choosing not to react from it...to hold it and speak honestly anyway.

Therein is your courage, your commitment. To yourself. Choose to do this, Gil...and you will discover, over time and dedication...you were this whole, complete, marvelously made person all along.

I promise.

Worth every step of the way.

We are still working through spots of self-deception, over two years later. Difference was, I exercised my power, my choice, to not believe...and so has he. Didn't crumple us. We share to know, not to judge...I know on my actions hinge my marriage. Recognizing my weaknesses, guarding my boundaries...that doesn't go away. What does is the FEAR of failing. Every day we succeed at our halves...and have a wonderful whole. You can, also.

When your BW triggers, you stay present, acknowledge and validate. They are her triggers...she is sharing them with you. No refuting, denying, trying to change her feelings...they are hers. You are present, in them with her...you share your remorse, your sorrow, grieve what you chose to do and know you will not choose it again. You know your treasure. You are focusing on your treasure...your marriage, your wife...which you didn't before.

She's your partner, Gil. Not your enemy. Feels like an enemy to your heart from your huge fear of losing her. I understand. Change your perspective...she isn't your enemy. That's a conflict within you which permits you to lie, by omission and commission. As if your fear can shield you from pain...when all along, it is coming to you, from you...not her.

Just feels the other way.

You're welcome to my help. Thank you for receiving it. For getting the book. For reading. That's self care and an act of honor for your marriage...an act of love for your BW and your self. Know all of that and keep acting, anyway.

We lose our marriages through fear, not love.

LA

What does this mean ?

Pep,

Acting from fear...meeting ENs because we fear our partners leaving...punishing our partners to teach them to treat us differently, to get them to do that which won't hurt us, from fear...trying to control their feelings from our fear of their feelings towards us...LBing comes from fear...

Living from fear is defensive lifestyle...disconnects instead of partners. Separates rather than unites.

LA

thanks for explaining

Pep,no dis respect,but I did my BS a major injustice when I posted that is why I deleted it. YOU CAN READ MY BS'S thread, frognomore told her basically what I posted,or you can talk to fnm. I won't repeat the things that I said and disrespect her even more by repeating it.sorry.I regret what is and has been happening in our M,you also need to read a post my wife did explaining what the last few yrs. have been like for her then maybe you will understand the sitch a lot better. I will not read her thread cuz I promised her I wouldn"t. She basically told me what she said,cuz I DJ'D her and LB'D her big time about taking so long with her post.I asked her if she bashed me I really should have known better that she wouldn't do that. But emotions are really high right now due to the fact she said she is leaving.



Gilligan
P.S. I also told you in my post that you were right that I have been kicked off the island. posted and left the computer and found my BS crying uncontrollably, due to the fact with all her emotions running so high and all thats going on and what she posted. she missed the most important disaster of her life in the past year. her loving companion molly.

Molly was her yellow lab. She was more like a daughter to her. She is with out a doubt the only reason my wife has came this far, She spent hrs. with my BS,thru all the hrs. of sickness,at home,and she was always there for her especially when I wasn't.

We believe she was poisoned,it didn't kill her but it shortened her life. she developed huge sores on her that burst and bled.We took her to the vet and they helped her, but she did end up with permanant liver damage.and lasted only about a yr. She is not forgotten,not missed terribly. I told my BS molly always knew how she felt,and understands.This post is to her memory for being there when I wasn't.

not to late to be a better man Gil