Let us know how you do; you are right, the WH is the one who will show up right now...communicate as if he is an alien...really, it works

SL,
The meeting went okay. My H showed up... not the WH. When I arrived at DD (Dunkin Donuts) he was already there. I asked if he was as nervous as I was. He asked why? I said I don't think we have been just us two since before he left.
We talked about finaces and he mentioned to me why I left the poem Heartbreak for him. I was kind of stunned he mentioned it. He asked me not to do that again because he took it as being hurtful. I didn't say too much. He asked what the matter was. I told him I wasn't sure I wanted to say. I was starting to get a little teary. I told him that I miss my H and my kids dad. That I really didn't want this and really wished we could of worked it out. He then mentioned it didn't seem like that because of one of the letters from my attorney. I told him that the way attorneys are during a divorce process. I really began to lose it so I told him I needed to leave. And got up to go to my car he called me by my nickname to wait, What I really wanted to ask for was a hug. It has been so long since I've been hugged by him. He was a great hugger. He told me he would call later. Now I'll see if he really does.
It was very hard to read him. I'm setting myself up to hear that he doesn't love me and he's in love with her. Blah blah blah...
My oldest daughter told me to stop telling him how I feel. That her and her younger sister don't want him back, They have lost all respect for him. I'm so sad that he's done this to them.
I just want him to see what's in my heart before I cut off contact in the next few weeks.
I guess he wasn't the alien tonight. But I'm sure if he's talked to her it'll be back. I just miss talking to my best friend.
Thanks SL for asking... I hope when I go into plan B i am as strong as you.
SH01

Sounds like you did just fine. I know how hard this was for you. This one seems like more of a midlife crisis thing. It will never last.

Hang in there and stay strong.Continue securing your finances, because he is likely to blow all of your money. That's what mine did, and then he came back for more.

(((((still)))))

I'm so sorry for your pain...I understand your DD's reaction to WH, but your R is between you and him. You will know when it is time for Plan B. Plan A as long as you can, but don't wait until you have no love left.

I am stronger now, yes, but it's taken a very long, bumpy, crazy ride to get here. I've only recently been able to see things CLEARLY, partly because I refused to let reality about my WH sink in; I think I was protecting HIM from ME, the true ME. I'm not doing that anymore, and I am UNIMPRESSED with his behavior.

Did you accomplish some settlement on financial matters, or was it just a bad time for you. You said it above, you already know that he will see OW, and then go back to his Wayward alien self...he will say the ILYBNILWY thing.

Oh, still...I so wish I could be there for you, I know exactly how you feel right now. I can only tell you that, one way or another, it gets better. Literally start living one day at a time.

Your H will have to come home of his own volition, your job is to show him the way. If finances are settled, there is no reason for you to talk to him...see him again, but next time, put on your brilliant smile; try to remember how you were before all of this, and portray the confidence. It will come back, you will be whole again...

You are as strong as I am, you sat in front of your WH, and did not break down, that takes MOUNTAINS of strength.

Thanks Believer and Sl
I really appreiate the support. Well he didn't call last night. I did call his place real quick to say goodnight to my S who was staying the night,
And I just called him about 30 minutes ago to let him know there was no school. Snow day yeah. To bad i'm out the door headed for work.
Your right B I don't think it will last either... but the million dollar question is how long?
I'll update later need to go to work.
SH01

This an e-mail I just sent my STBXWH I need advice please....

M,

Last Sunday while we were having breakfast I brought up possibly putting the divorce on hold. I realize that was not a good time to broach the subject while we were sending our oldest off to germany. I didn't bring it up to cause an argument or anything like that (honest).
On the way down you asked me why I put my wedding rings back on... I thought I might try to explain this, I have been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching about everything that is going on between us, I have done alot of self evaluation. Back in october of 1984 when we said our vows in front of God and our family and friends I meant every word I said. We went into this in good time and bad. I understand there have been alot of bad times recently ( and I'm sorry for my contribution to those times). I'm still living by those vows we made..my commitment is still to you, our marriage and our family. Just because the wedding rings came off does not mean we are not married and I didn't love you.
You have been the most important person for more than half my life. We brought 3 beautiful children into this world and I want our family to be whole again. I accept my responsibility for what I did wrong in our marriage... do I think they are insurmountable? No, I believe that whatever is going on between us can be fixed with care and hard work. I'm not afraid of hard work as long as you are there beside me.
I realize I'm putting my heart and soul on the chopping block.... But I need to do what I feel is right. And this doesn't feel right to me. I can't imagine my life without you in it every day. These last 5 months have been the worst in my whole life. I miss having you home at night, talking with you about our kids and work. I miss the fact that things are happening with our kids and you aren't there to see it. The holidays were not the same without you being there. Lots of time I feel lost and not sure I'll find my way.
I lie awake at night and think about how much I miss you and wonder do you ever think of me. Do you miss me even just a little? Do you miss not being with our kids on a daily basis? was I that bad of a wife? My thoughts just spin out of control. Am I a bad person? So needless to say nights are not my friend. That's when I want to talk to you, call you and share this with you. Then know that I can't do that.
I guess I just hate giving up because I believe in you and me. One night when we talked I told you I still loved you and you couldn't understand why... because I know the boy and man I fell in love with is still there. I don't think he ever left, maybe he is just hiding because he is hurt.
So there it is... I'm preparing myself to hear the worst. Can we put this on hold for a while?

Love,
Me

Well I never got an answer to my e-mail, I'm kind of not surprised. I guess the no answer is an answer in a way.
Time to focus on getting stronger and keep plan Aing for a little while longer. Prepare myself for continuing the divorce.
I should of realised that writing to my WH wouldn't have any affect, just on me. You would think that I with all the reading I've done here I'd know that. So tonight it just me and my kids.. maybe some chinese food before the storm hits. I'm thinking a glass of wine also and maybe a bubble bath! A quiet night at home and checking once in a while for some comments.

Sh01

Yeah, you should have known better than to send it. But no harm done. At least he knows that you care for him still and would be willing to work on things.

Having a bubble bath and glass of wine sound like a good idea. I spent quite a bit of time pampering and soothing myself during all of this. I made myself a promise that I would take care of me.

This stuff takes so much longer than you think at first. It is very hard. But I promise you that things will get better.

He just dropped off our son from taking him to get a haircut. He had a hard time looking me in the eye, so I know he got the e-mail. A little embarrassing on my part but I do want him to know I care.
Both of them looked very handsome. Oh I miss him.

Believer I hope things do get better, I 'm not sure how much longer I can hang on.

SH01

The affair almost always ends, and they come back to the family. But it sucks in the meantime.

Thanks believer,

I hope this affair ends... it still may be awhile though. I figure it's been going on about 14 months now. The physical aspect I think started in the spring. The average affair last what 2 years? So it may be ending soon. This may last longer than any of her marriages. She has only been married 3 years with her current H and they were seperated at that point.
I get to see him again today because we are having our taxes done. Last time for that.
I hope he does come back to the family at some point (for the right reasons) because there is nothing I would like better. At first it was so I could tell him to Sc**w himself (my anger stage). Now it's so I can have my family together again.
Well need to get back to putting together papers for tax man. I'll check in later to catch up on SL and Lilsis situations.
SH01

SH01,


I read the email.

You really bared your soul to him. Honest and direct - and told him some very painful things. I'm not surprised it was hard for him to look at you the next time he saw you. This is because he knows he is the single source for the pain - and you have revealed it in writing to him.

The letter may have, for the first time, really shown him exactly how deep and serious the pain is. He will think about it for a long time. The connection you and he will now have is this - when he lies down at night and his "problems" about the affair run through his mind (and they DO), he will immediately connect them to you and what you are doing. He will know you are lying in your bed without him, in pain, because of where he is and what he's doing.

Either way that this turns out, he is being dealt a blow to his emotional center by the email. Nobody could read that email and not feel your pain.

Hang in there. If she is 29 and on #3 and it's tanking, your husband is just a dalliance, something to entertain herself with. It won't last. Stick to Plan A, and follow up with your Plan B. You seem to be on the right course. Tell your daughters you are confident that you are doing the right thing.

SB

Thanks Schoolbus,

Yes I bared my soul to him and I know it's making it hard for him. We had our taxes done yesterday and he said to make an appointment for both of us! I was a liitle surprised by this.
I had asked him to go to lunch prior to taxes and at first I got a are you kidding look. Then in the morning I mentioned it again and he told me very sweetly "sorry sweetie". I think he heard me catch my breath.. he hasn't called me that for ages.
After taxes I told him I want him to come home (we were talking how expensive things are). He asked me why are you makng this so hard for me. I started to tear up and he asked me please don't cry. I know he was softening and had to get out of there before it was apparent.
Last night I couldn't sleep... up from 1-5am. I decided to pull a lilsis I TM hime that " I can't sleep... I miss you". I know he was with her last night. Didn't get it till morning. He asked me to stop text messaging at our son's hockey game. I just shook my head no. We teased each other a liitle bit and he mentioned do I need to find you someone (ouch). I just told him I have my someone and looked at him.
He aslo said to me it was so much easier when you hated me. I just told him I don't hate you, I love you.
Does this sound like maybe I'm getting to him a little.
I plan on doing little things for another couple of weeks. Yesterday I found our Retrouvaille notebooks and he had written one of the times he felt closest to me was the day our son was born. My DS birthday is coming up on the 12th and I plan on sending an e-mail to him quoting things he wrote in his notebook.
Valentines day I plan on making him a CD with some of our favorite songs. My DD 16 is going to help me with this.
Basically I'm trying to seduce my husband before I go into Plan B

SH01

Just an update on what's been going onthe last few days.
We have talked a few times the quiet type of talking. Basically he just listens to me. He doesn't think stoppong the divorce will change anything, I told him it would give us time to really think about if this is really what we want.
He tells me he is the same person he was in September, I told him I wasn't the same person.
It's funny how words we say in anger have a way of sticking... after we had our taxes done I told him I wanted him to come home... and he said why "I'm a lying cheating ******". Something I said to him when all this hit the fan. I told him we all can change. And everything can be forgiven.
I've been TM a little something everyday.. like I dreamed about you last night and I miss you. I tell him I love him when I talk to him. He asks me not to but I tell him I'm telling my H I love him and I can't stop now. He tells me he is seeing someone else. And I told him we are still married. He told me I know.
Do you guys think this is becoming more of LB then causing him some confusion?
Right now here is the only place that can understand why I want to save my M. My friends and family just don't understand. I get the why would you put up with that. What is it teaching your children (me- anything can be forgiven),
he's already gone and moved on etc.
Also last night I had a nightmare that I woke up in a cold sweat...he was with her and calling her his "teddybear" (yuck). I wanted to TM him that I had a bad dream and wish he was there to comfort me like he had in thepast/. Do you think this is a good idea.

SH01

See..I'm bumping you up....

Here's for Mimi
LS,

Your right that TM does sound really needy. It's just he was my rock. I'm trying to be strong like I used to be, but my world was swiped from under my feet.
I was thinking on my son's 14th B-day on the 12th to e-mail or text him about how at Retrouvaille he said this was one of the moments he felt the closest to me and remember how proud we were we had our son. And how our oldest was upset because that meant she would have to share a room with her little sister.
And Valentine's I'd like to make a cd of songs that mean alot to me and us and maybe a couple of pictures from our life together.
What's your opinion on this?
Thanks again LS

SH01

I'm going to read and catch up with your situation first and then I'll get back to you. It may take awhile. OK?

Thanks Mimi,

I need all the help I can get. My M and family mean everything to me. I'm running out to pick up my DS at school. I'll check in when I get back.

SH01

here is my problem with offering advice for your situation ... I have a bias ... let me show you

(1st A) 10/13/01

and

(2nd affair) 8/16/05

in my way of looking at things
your husband is a
[color:"red"] philanderer [/color]

and these might be just the affairs you know about !

I am not saying he is not sometimes sweet to you

I am not saying you do not love him

I am saying that I am making a character judgement about your husband based solely on his propensity to cheat

he does not think cheating is wrong

this is where LilSis's husband is different ~~~> he DOES think cheating is wrong ... and his conscience is bothering him

unless your husband thinks cheating is wrong ... you will always be at the mercy of his desires and his feelings of entitlement ... these are what guides his choice to cheat, or not

I do not sense your husband makes choices based on a clear moral compass ... but instead, on a compass where his desires point north or south ... not what is right or wrong

you have been around a long time
you remember FaithInMe

FIM did an awesome Plan A ... but once she told us her husband had been in several other affairs , I told her, you can do this, but if he returns to you it is highly likely he'll continue to have affairs

I am saying the same thing to you
your husband has a chosen lifestyle that is incompatable with your desires

it is not you
but himself
he is not morally grounded

if he had been morally grounded ... he would not have torn out your heart a second time

sorry, when I think someone is a serial cheat, and likely to remain that way ... I think Plan A is a terrible idea... Plan B is my recommendation for you

Pep

SH-
I haven't read your whole thread, and I apologize if I am about to say something you have all ready heard before!

Just two quick thoughts - things that popped into my head as I read your posts today.

1. be VERY careful bringing up the past - reminding him of when he felt closest to you, happy times together. In the book "Divorce Busters" the auther refers to the list of "don'ts" and one of the big ones is "don't say I love you, don't talk about happy memories form the past" etc. That is because when you say "I love you" that reminds your WH that is used to love you, but doesn't any longer.(maybe! I don't know what your WH is saying or feeling right now!!!) And when you remind him of happy past memories, that only reminds him that times WERE good, but now they are bad. I do not agree with this 100%, but it does make sense to a certain degree. The part about "don't say I love you" seems to be ok for some situations, and not for others. But I wanted to at least let you know that according to the "Divorce Buster" theory - that is a no-no.

Personally - I think the CD is a bad idea. I think it just shows you as needy and clingy. I can imagine a WH saying something Like "there she goes again-what am I supposed to do with this?"

I guess the thing you should try to remember is that when you were first dating him, you did not cry, or beg, or plead in order to "win" his affection. When he first met you - and you first dated - you did not attract him by saying "I had a bad dream and I needed you to compfort me" Instead, you attracted him by being yourself, an upbeat person, fun to talk to , someone he enjoyed spending time with. That is what you need to be right now. Someone he would want to spend time with. And as time went by, the more he got to know you, the more he wanted to do things for you, to take care of you. He fell in love with you, and wanted to care for you when you had a bad dream.His care for you, concern for you, and ability to take care of you whne you were sick, or scared, or sad, those things grew out of his attraction, or love for you. Can you imagine what he would have said, on that first day you met, if you had said "I am looking for a man to take care of my needs - to help me out around the house, cheer me up when I am down, etc" he would have run for the hills!
I hope that makes sense.

If you do want to send him a TM on your sons birthday, just send soemthing like "thinking of you today" or "thank you for blessing me with such a great son!'
But in my opionion, reminding him that he told you that was the day he felt closest to you - that could be seen as a slap in the face. Reminding him that he said something nice to you once - but now he is so far from it.