It's been 5 years since my stbxwh first affair. In January 02 she had called me at home to let me know my H was still contacting her and she was afraid of me!!. She had made a comment that this wasn't the first time he had done this to me. My wh at the time denied this claim. Who was I to believe they were both liers to me. I chose to believe my wh.
Fast forward 5 years... he is now involved in his 2nd affair with a mow who is one of his employees. And i'm trying to heal and figure out what was real and what was a lie in my marraige.
We had a very nice conversation..... she was surprised to hear from me as it had been so long. Uncanny to her because she was talking with a former co-worker about us a few days prior. Was happy to hear that last everyone knew we were doing well and in mc. I explained to her that we were divorcing after 22 years and he was involved again w/ a 29 year mow. She told me how sorry she was to hear that and never thought he was that type of man. ( I was thrown off by that considering thier relationship prior). She said she was sorry for what she had done and had grown up alot in the last 5 years. (she's 32 now) I told her I held no bitterness towards her but I had in the past but I realised she wasn't the person who was committed to me. She thankes me and said she wouldn't blame me if I did.
I told her the reason Iwas calling was that our last conversation she mentioned he had done this before and I wanted to know did he tell her that? She actually doesn't remember, but said they were more friends and he talked about me alot and how much he loved me. What it was that made him fall in love with me etc. I told her he told me they had kissed and she said it was only once or twice. I then asked her I had one more question and I would understand if she told me it was none of my business... I asked her if they had sex (he always said they didn't) and she also said they didn't. She wished me luck and told me she was really sorry I was going thru this again. She also said I thought he was a good man. I told her he was a good man at one time but right now he is lost.
I guess I got some closure from this. Although believe it or not it hurt to hear he talked about how he loved me. If he did why was he doing what he did. And i was kind of hoping he had done it before so I could hate him. Does this make sense?
I also told her thier A was something that was with me every day and I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. I told her I never threw it in his face and I don't think he ever forgave himself. It's a battle scar that will always be with me.
So I guess my talk with fow helped me some. I would love to tell current mow what I think of her but she is not worth it.
SH01

Hi Still Hurting,

I just saw there were no responses to your post and wanted to acknowledge it. Funny how these things are. I don't think we ever get the closure we seek. I think even when we have our questions answered, new ones pop up in their place. I'm sorry you are divorcing after 22 years. Divorce is such a useless tragedy. I really don't understand people today. Unfortunately, I don't think you will ever know the truth about what happened with your STBXH and his 1st affair partner.

Unless your husband is an extremely shallow, narcisstic man, I do think the novelty of the young babe will wear off after a while and the pain of a family thrown away will rear its ugly head.

I wish you all the best.

Even so does she want this multi lying, cheating [censored] back? I wouldn't.

SH01,

Ok, so what's your plan at this point?

You mentioned D. From your side or his?

Just asking.

L.

Orchid,
My plan at this point... the million dollar question. If my STBXWH wanted to work things out I would in a minute. I don't think that is going to happen.
The divorce was wanted by him, I filed a week after our 22 wedding anniversary because i saw no hope. I have been working my butt off for the last 5 years, I felt he was throwing affair in my face. It's what he wanted.. I could of filed on the grounds of adultry but was advise against it. the judges don't like it. He conterfiled so even if I wanted to stop this (which I tend to be leaning towards more frequently) it wouldn't stop the divorce.
I don't know if I'm plan Aing now or what... I think about plan B all the time. It's just so hard to see him. I miss him. Although I miss who he was.
Hopeandpray was there for me last week when I wanted to ask him if this is what he really wanted. He gave me some very sage advice, to wait for him to come to me if it was going to happen.
I did pour out my heart to him the other night... told him that I really never wanted this. All I ever wanted was to be a good wife and mother and have our family. That he was my best friend for so long and I miss being able to talk to him. That I'm doing my best to heal and accept what is happening but I make mistakes. I also told him I accept my repsonsibilty in what went wrong in our marraige but I will not accept his affairs. I also told him that all through our marriage I loved him with all my heart and that I still loved him.
He asked me why I didn't tell him this before... I told him I had been for the last 5 years... probably not the way he could hear. I also asked him not to share this with MOW that I'm having a hard time with this. He then said he had to go. I couldn't sleep that night, thinking what the heck did I do. Is he second guessing himself also?
The next morning I called his cell (thought he was still at his place cause he doesn't have reception there) to tell him to forget everything I said last night.. he called me as I was about to leave message. I told him forget what I said last night... in the caring voice I remeber he said he couldn't forget what I said and seemed to have a catch in his voice. Then told me I have to get back to work.
What does this mean probably nothing. I'm probably reading to much into this. I really thought all my hope was gone.. I guess it isn't.
I know he is still involved with her. And I can't accept that, so I guess this D is proceeding. Not sure how long this will take.
Hopeandpray is right though I would have a really hard time ever trusting him if he ever came back. And i have to remember how he was treating me all last year.
My good friends think I need a man... maybe they are right. If I had someone to have coffee with etc it would take my mind off him with her.
I'm still thinking about writing him a letter. I will post it if I do.
I bet you weren't expecting to get a novel.
SH01

My dear SH01,

The novel is expected.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Sounds like your mind and heart is not in sync yet. The D is inprocess and pieces of your H are showing through. Is this a grim sign? Could be or c/b good. Yep, it can still go either way.

You have been through this a long time and I'll bet this is game is getting old.

So I ask you..... what are your personal boundaries?

L.

Orchid,
You are absoultelt right... my heart and mind are not in sync. I thought it was when I filed back in October. No I'm having all kinds of second thoughts. I dopn't like having my family torn apart. I don't like not being able to go out with our friends as couples. I want my H back, I want my kids dad back.
I ahve been going thru this for a long time... and many a time I was ready to give up, but I kept praying to God to let us make it. Our parish priest told me that God doesn't always answer prayers the way we want. I guess this is God's answer... or did I give up to soon?
My personal boundries would be absolutely NC. If MOW wouldn't leave job that he would change jobs again.
Keeping a business attitude with the woman he works with. No being the go to guy for all thier problems.
Being an open book and transparent.
To go to MC and IC.
To stop flirting because it makes me uncomfortable.
To be a man and true to his commitments.
Is that enough? Things I know he wouldn't do (at least not now)
Do you think it would be a bad idea to stop my end of the divorce process?
All day at work today I've been composing a letter I'd like to write about my feelings and trying to understand his feelings. If he has second thoughts about this. Does he miss us.

Sh01

Simplify your list.

Mine was longer than yours and ended up being one thing: NO OP IN MY LIFE.

L.

Simplify... wow that is hard.

I agree with you on no OW.
And I really think he needs IC and we need MC
Honesty and transparency.

These are the most important things to me at this time.

SH01

Remember this is YOUR boundary. He has to id HIS boundary. From him, his boundary should include IC/MC. But that is HIS boundary.

L.

Thanks orchid,
I guess I never thought of it that way.
I'm a little bumed... know MOW is staying the night with him. Unfortunately she lives very close to where I live so it's easy to keep track.
I guess my boundary for me (and new year resolutionn) to stop keeping track.
Very hard to do... must be a glutten for punishment.
Do you ever wonder that we get so used to the feeling of hurt and sorrow that we are almost afraid to feel anything else? I feel like that's all I've felt for so long and is all I know. I'm trying to remember a time I didn't feel this way.
I do feel happy at times... my kids give me great joy. I want to be happy in other areas of my life. Something to definately work on this year.
Need to go to bed have to work in am.

SH01

Orchid: It's your choice but I think your boundary is too soft. You need something movtivating, something strong that will withstand the onslaught of anything the Ws and OP can throw against you. Grrrgrrr..... fighting mad.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />


Orchid: That's called being complacent. No can do. Not healthy but I understand you are getting tired.

Would you like to know HOW to must the strength to keep up your strength in moving forward? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


Orchid: Good, this is good, now to make it last longer and stronger.

take care,
L.

Orchid,

Yes please tell me HOW to muster up strength in moving forward.
And I have been thinking my boundry is no OP involved at all. I am ready to go dark but we need to get our finances seperated. I don't want him near me while he is involved with her, that OW smell (hehe)
Last night had a moving talk with my oldest D (she's 19 going on 30 at times). Essentially she doesn't think much has changed since dad has been out of the house because he never was home before. He never put us first...and he isn't now. And you know what she is telling the truth. There was always something more important.. his hockey game, his softball game, this committee or meeting. And when he was home he was glued to the TV or on the phone talking about his stuff.
I teared up when I read what you wrote... thank you so much I want to move forward and I know forward is without him.
Tonight we have to talk finances and he wants the snowmobiles....we are trying to sell them. Currently they are here and that is where they are staying. I told him last night we cannot afford to register them, gas etc. I can't buy groceries for our kids. Essentially grow up and be a man. There are things that need to be given up because of CHOICES he made for all of us. I also told him there was no way his GF was touching them. He is pretty mad... I just kept repeating we can't afford it. This man hasn't given up anything.. he wants it all. His love nest, recreation, still playing hockey, box seats for HS hockey (our son isn't even in HS yet) and he wants control over everything. GRR is this getting angry enough?
I think I'm going to review your thread on reverse babble for tonight, What could be reverse babble for I can't wait to get rid of you? He said that to me last week. And I think I will hear it tonight. Because he blames me for everything (even last night when his oldest D didn't want to talk to him) Our younger daughter doesn't care to talk to him either and always makes a face. I think I might let him know that tonight if I get the cahnce. Or is that being spiteful?
I guess right now I'm not misty eyed over loosing him... I don't want him as he is now. And like My oldest said last night he hasn't been the man I fell in love with for many years. She can't remember when he was that man.
I'm not a failure because we are heading for D. He is the FAILURE because of what HE is doing.
I'd appreciate any hints Orchid.

SH01

Shameless bump for orchid or anyone with advice on reverse babble.
I'm getting nervous about our meeting tonight.
Really can use some help.

Thanks

SH01

One thing you can say to his 'I can't wait to get rid of you' you can babble back, "I can't wait to get rid of you, the wayward spouse and have my H back again, You're right!'

Hold back on as much EMOTING as you can, keep a poker face, smile sweetly now and then, and RB as much as possible.

Don't bring matters of the heart, including DD's up UNLESS he does first. Incite him by your calmness; he'll hate it if he can't rattle your cage. It's just one night. Imagine that you are just one foot away from the rope that can save you and you are reaching for it, but you have to be still and put all of your energy into stretching and grabbing that rope. Put all of your energy into containing the anger, resentment, sadness, just long enough to get through this meeting. When you get in your car and out of sight, let the waterworks begin, but not until then.

Thanks SL

That is very sound advice. I know he will try to rattle my cage. He knows me very well. I will be calm, I will be calm I will be calm...
now all I have to do is do it.
Now if only I ahd an idea when our meeting is going to be, before or after our D's swim meet.
Thanks so much.. I will update when I get back.
Sh01

The meeting we were suppose to have about finances last night didn't happen. He didn't get out of work early enough and just went to our D's swim meet. By the way she did awesome.
Really didn't talk to him to much although he sat in our group of friends. When I looked at him and he caught me I just smiled sweetly. I did notice that he is beginning to gain some of the weight he lost back (HEHE). And he doesn't look to good. We did exchange copies of bills that we each had...I slipped the poem Heartbreak in with the papers. Not sure if he'll even notice. I just want him to have a glimpse of what it's like to be betrayed. I did get a little flirty, no touching but when I had to reach to get somewthing in my car I did let him get a good view of my butt. Something he always liked even when I was at my heaviest. Now I think it looks alot better since I lost 50 pounds on the infidelity diet. Probably didn't even notice but it made me feel good. I still
miss who he was but today am resigned that he is never coming back.
We did agree to discuss fiances on Thursday as tonight there is a meeting for our son's Heritage tour.
Just wanted to update. Orchid if you get a cahnce I would really like tips on moving forward.
Thanks
SH

Moving forward..... this is step or direction you take wiht a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.


1. ID your perosonal boundries.

2. Secure your finances.

3. Create you own personal support group.

4. Let your mind and heart sync up.

5. Create hobbies or tasks you enjoy.

6. Widen out with your freinds or meet new people (just be caerful).

7. Don't settle from crumbs.

take care,
L.

Orchid,
Thank-you so much.
I have id'd my personal boundries that means no more 3rd person in my marriage. Although I'm not sure how far this will get me as he has no intention giving her up. Does this mean that I'm cold to him when I see him? Right now I'm trying to be happy on the outside but will put up with no BS either. I want him to know I'm moving on with my life, I wish he was part of the equation as my H, knowing that is his choice if he decides to man up and accept my boundries.
The finances we are working on with my attorney. I wonder what she thinks now that he has no money to entertain her? Hopefully I will get the courage and cancel all joint CC. My attorney has advised this. My friends and family also think I need to do this. I know I need to but I'm afraid. Thinking I will do this today after our meeting tonight about finances. Also ready to remove a vital part of the snowmobiles if he thinks they are going to be used by him.
The support group I do have in place...the cyber friends here on MB. My personal friends have been wonderful. Alot of people in my community have taken me under thier wing and given me emotional and moral support. I know WH feels this. (good)
The heart and mind in sync is where I'm having the most trouble right now. Is it normal to feel they are in sync and then have these second thoughts? Like I posted previously when I filed they were in sync. I think they went out of sync around the holidays. I'm working hard to get them back in sync. I'm just always wondering if I acted to soon and should of let him file. Although talking with a friend who has been through this years ago she said since I filed I will be able to testify the why's of filing for divorce. At least this way I can get the fact that he's a serial adulteror will be in the record.
The hobbies and tasks I need to start working on again. I need to figure out things that I would like to do. I have plenty of housework tasks to do but this is not one I enjoy. The hobby that I would really like to do is either line dancing or ballroom dancing. Just need to know the finacial situation first. And of course I enjoy going to my kids sporting events.. the only drawback is that my WH is usually there also.
I have one friend who wants me to do the match.com thing. And for fun we went on just to look. I went back and started to fill out a profile and stopped (or so I thought) Yesterday I got e-mailed that I ahd 12 matches!!! Felt really excited at first. I did a lot of thinking on this one and am going to remove my name. I'm not divorced yet and I feel that would make me just as bad as he is right now. I need to set a good example for my daughters and son. I am very lonley and would like the excitment of finding someone like he has had but it's just wrong for me at this point.
And I refuse to settle for crumbs... that I had been doing for the last few years.
I'm feeling stronger today, like I told my friends last night I feel good 4 out of 7 days. Hopefully soon it will be 7 out of 7 but I know the weekend is coming and those are the rough ones.
SH01

Getting a little nervous.. meeting with my STXWH in about 1 hour to talk finances for the rest of the month. We have actually been talking civily (?sp)
to each other the past couple of days.
I just want to keep my cool and not loose it. No nasty comments about his wh**re.
We haven't actually been together with no one around since Sept. My heart is beating hard. I'll just remeber the rope that will save me. Hope I don't break down and reveal my heart again. Just keep telling myself this is what he wants. If he didn't want this he could stop it.
SH01