I am new to these boards, only reading for the past few weeks. Today a felt compelled to type my story for anyone who may want to read and share their experiences.
I have been married for over 3 years and been with my wife for 8 years. We have a 3 year old son. Around September of last year I started noticing my wife had little patience with me. I am not a morning person so I do forget things at times at home when I take my son to daycare. I would call her before she leaves for work and ask her to pick up whatever I left and I would meet her at the shuttle(we used to take the same same shuttle to work). I noticed that she would get angry and ask me why I can't remember things and it got so bad that if I forgot anything I wouldn't bother calling but drove back to our apartment to get it and risk missing the shuttle. Anyway I chalked it up to her being stressed. We had just moved to a new area and started new jobs (this was her second job she quit the first one because it was very stressfull).

Around this time she wanted us to go back to the city we just moved from to visit her girlfriends. However, my mother had become ill just prior to this and I had to send her money and I was pretty tapped for cash. I told it wasn't a good time and suggested we go in a few weeks when I got paid again. She came home one day and said that her girlfriends were going to hang out that weekend and she was getting a ride from a co-worker who was going to that city that weekend anyway. I didnt know most of her co-workers and I trusted her so I didn't question it too much. I indicated to her that she should just wait for us all to go. She couldn't wait. So she left for the weekend. This I learned in December was when her affair started. The guy that took her out of town she had met at her office as he delivers packages. She had known him for abot 2-3 weeks prior to this. He had dropped her by her girlfriend that friday night but had called her on saturday hoping to hang out a bit and she would show him the city since he didn't know it that well.

The rest is a blur to me as she refuses to discuss it in any detail. All I know is she had dinner and drinks with her girlfriends and then met with the guy later that night. There were headed to one of the city's famous spots and they never ended up there and she had sex with him. She came back and the daily contact started with cell phone calls while at work and emails. She would also see him in the garage and in the stairwellls (she says nothing physical).

She told me she was going to a bar after work two weeks later with her co-workers and didnt come home till 1:00 am and didnt call. I got angry and we had a verbal fight. She claimed she was out with her co-workers another friday however this time she called but she still did not get home till 12:30 am. I had to have a talk with her at this point. I indicated to her that she didn't drink much before this so why the bars. I asked her which of the lady's in her office was staying out this late since they are all maried with kids. She confesses that its not the ladies that she works with that she is hanging out with but people from another office in her building. She then goes into how she is tired of always being wife and mother and wants to have fun sometimes. She adds that we don't have to do everything together and she needs her away time as well. I should add that on each of these ocassions that she is out she has sex with this guy (3 times in total so far). I told her her behavior is not of a married person and she says our marriage has been missing something and she has been unhappy for a while. Which was interesting since I spoke with her mother just a month earlier and her mother said she was braggin how great a husband I had been.

Anyway she wanted time to sort things out because everyone told her that she should be happy but she wasn't. A month passes and I get no physical conatc with her and we only barely speak. I try to bring up the situation and she does not want tto talk about it. She goes see her sister out of town for a weekedn to clear her head. She then goes and sees a girlfriend of hers that I dont particularly like (she cheats on her boyfriends and can't seem to understand why they leave her). They drink all night. She also told me she was going to get her nails done with a friend when she came back but after I take her to the friend she askes the friend to take her to the train and she meets up with OM (fourth sexual encounter). I still was unaware of these things.

I had promised my mother that I would visit her for Christmas and bring my son (wife had started new job nd would not have enough vacation days). I decided to move the trip up since I felt bad leaving my wife to spend Christmas withh us. I told her that I was going to be away for two weeks and she should take the time to get her "head cleared". I am away for two weeks and when I came back she wants to separate. I explain to her that we lack communication in our relationship and separation would not help that problem.

Two days later she gets a call and leaves the room. From the little I heard from teh conversation he wasn't going to mbe able to meet her that day and she wasn't happy about it. I confronted her about the call. She claimed it was a "friend" and she was trying to go meet up with a guy. I lost it. It turned into a 2 hour yelling match. I told her I wanted her out. I purchased the internet monitoring software and also started monitoring her phone records. She had been deleting his number whenever she called him by this point and turned off the GPS tracking that is an option on her cell phone. She was pretty good about deleting old emails so I only found a few that had any incriminating evidence.

A few days later I woke her up at 3:00 am and forced her to confess the affair and she did. But she first said it was a ONS then under more questioning indicated that it was her co-worker and they had sex 3-4 times. She wanted to reconcile and she was going to stop seeing him. This was December 8. She also confessed to still speaking to her ex that I had asked her not to do because she started seeing him when we broke up while dating (she didnt tell me they were in contact prior to us breaking up). She was talking to him over t he entire course of our marriage. She even hung out with him when I was away on vavcation but nothing happened.

My problem is I have been in plan A since then. The OM still works in her building and she sees him daily. The job market is not very good where we live so I know that we would be hit hard financially if she quit her job. She says that its over with the guy and it was close to being over when I found out. It bothers me that she is still in contact with her ex. I told her that I didnt like her talking to her ex but she says they are only friends and its nothing to worry about. However, I saw that she texted her exBF on christams day and also texted him happy new year.

I want to fix this but I am unsure. If she knows how much pain she casued me why continue with the ex? Is she even done with the OM since there is no NC? She refuses to give me many details about the affair and just shuts down when I bring it up. Major LB. I need some help and clarity.

IT sounds as if this woman is unfortunately like many WW or WH for that matter, always wondering if the grass is greener or looking for a fix to make them happy when happiness is right in front of their face and they don't see it and don't really understand that joy and happiness are not just minute to minute feelings.

There will be help here shortly but I can tell you she needs to get away from that job and you need to establish boundaries of NC with OM and with EX BF. Lastly they all lie and don't believe anything, instead watch their actions.

Thanks for the response hopeandpray. I don't know if she can change. I asked her about her fog talk about being unhappy and she said that she was revising histoy to justify her actions. She claims to want to reconcile but doesn't seem to want to do anything to fix issues.

I think I would let her know that you will no longer be babysitting while she goes out. She is married and needs to act like it.

She also needs to quit her job.

Thanks beleiever. I know that she should quit her job but we definitely cannot afford it right now. Maybe I am making excuses myself.
The strange thing about this whole "reconcilliation" is that she is acting like nothing happened. Going about things like before the affair without skipping a beat. She doesn't want to talk about why or how it happened. And I already tried asking her to do NC with her exBF and that obviously didnt work. I told her her selfishness and deception with her contacting her exBF against my wishes planted the seeds which made it possible for an affair to occur. She doesn't seem to see the connection. It looks hopeless.

If she continues to call OM on her cell phone, shut if off if you pay the bill. 10 years ago we all got by without cell phones just fine.

She pays the bill for her phone. So I have no control over it. I would think that she would be more careful now if the A is still ongoing to just call him from her work number. My problem is that it's hard enough dealing with her affair but now I have to deal with the exBF to boot.

You need to expose to her work (both her boss and HR), and get this OM out of contact with your WW. Does he actually work for the company or is he an outside vendor that stops in. They may be able to get somebody to replace him in her building. Hopefully, they'll crack down on her personal calls as well.

I have thought about exposing her at work but she has been "behaving" so well lately that I am scared I will do more harm than good. He also works for the same company. He gets the packages from the delivery people and then he delivers the packages to the offices. I have called him and threatened that he stay away from my wife or I would jeopardize his job. He claimed that he had no "relationship" with my wife and that he wanted sex and she provided it. She however claims he wanted more which is part of the reason the affair was comming to an end.
Do you think I should anonimously out her at work by sending an email to her boss and his boss? That way doesn't really sit well with me conscience-wise. Makes me feel as sneaky and under-handed as she is. But I will fight for my family.

Continuing to see this guy, continuing to text and call her XBF even though it upsets you, and refusing to talk about the A...is good behavior?

Is OM married? Find out...find out where he lives. Find out who his parents are and expose to them.

Have you told WW's parents yet?

Exposure needs to be a storm, not a dribble. Folks around here call it a tsunami of truth. If you expose at work, do it right...with a letter and an in-person visit to the HR director and OM's supervisor, if possible. An anonymous complaint can be too easily dismissed.

natch,

Please go back to your initial post on this thread and hit the edit key. Then break up your story with a whole bunch of paragraphs. It is almost unreadable to me and a lot of others here.

You will get a lot more readers and comments if you do.

Thanks

bitbucket thanks for that smack I probably needed it. What I meant by "behaving" is that for the past 4 months she would not talk much to me and when she did she was always lying. She was extremely cold and wanted to separate at all cost.
Since D-day she has said that she was sorry for what she did and she knew it was wrong and that she was acting selfish, but wants to work on our marriage. She has since arranged for a girlfriend to watch our son and has asked me out to the movies and dinner as well as set up alone time at home. For me this was huge since she didnt do that even before the affair. It may all be an act ...I dont know.

In terms of exposure, I told her mother and brothers. Her sister already knew. Apparently her sister, who she talks to daily and they are very close, was against the affair from the first encounter but she ignored her advice. She was bombarded with calls from her family after I told them. Her closest friends already knew because the guilt was so much that she broke down on one of their girls night and spilled what she had been doing.

I know I should expose her at work but its really hard. It defineitely is going to set us back, but I guess it will have to be done. The guy I would love to expose. I looked him up and I have his address and phone number and it seems like he still lives with his parents. I could send them a letter.
Should I not believe her when she says its really over and that she was never in love with the guy and harbor no feelings for him? Her exBF is another story. I don't know what to do about him. Which if it wasn't for my son I would have left already.

She should have NC with both the OM and XBF. Don't give in to her desire to remain friends. Exposing to her work will TEMPORARILY set back your recovery, but will PERMANENTLY ruin the fantasy of the A. Don't be afraid to expose. You should definitely expose to OM's parents, and I would even speak with OM and tell him not to contact your WW. She's going to be a little pissy about all of this, but things will settle back down in a couple weeks, and your M will be stronger as a result to cutting off her avenues for the A.

Thanks for all your help Jim. I guess I was trying to limit the fallout of exposing which I know deep down I will have to do. I have drafted the letters for about a week now and just haven't sent them out. I will send them out on Monday as we are away for our birthdays this weekend.

She has no physical contact with exBF because he lives 200 miles away. I just don't know how to get rid of him either. This morning I woke up to her phone ringing at 6:12 am. She claimed her cell phone alarm went off (a lie, totally different sound than when a text comes in). She claims she forgot the alarm was still on (we did not work today). However, before I made her aware I was awake I saw her pressing buttons as if she was texting. It doesn't take that many buttons to stop an alarm. I checked her phone when she went to shower and saw no entries for that time, meaning she erased the text.
I have a gut feeling it was her ex texting her "happy birthday" and she responded. This whole things is way too overwhelming and I can't seem to get a good handle on either situation.

Confront her and tell her you know it was a lie. If she tried to come up with excuses, tell her, "I know what I know, and your excuses and dishonesty are just making things worse between us." Don't LB and remain calm the whole time. If she persists tell her, "you know the cell phone bill has a list of every number you text messaged." Tell her of your marital boundary. Don't say, "You can't talk to XBF anymore," but rather, "I am not comfortable with you speaking with him as I deem him a threat to our M." That way it is all about you, not her. I would even call up XBF and let him know that he is not welcome in your M, and that you expect him to leave you two alone. Check your cell phone bill online or at the end of the month to ensure NC. If there is contact, let your WW know that you are going to enforce your marital boundary. Shut off her texting capability, or shut her phone off completely. You know people 10 years ago got along just fine without cell phones.

OK a little update. I confronted her about the text message this morning and she insists that there was no message and that I was being paranoid. She started saying that she knew this would happen and that "I" was not trying to build trust in her. As if that was my job. I told her about the change in rings and she just shut down (as usual).

In regards to asking her to stop contacting her exBF we had this conversation last week. I did what you suggested (have been lurking here a while and saw the tactic mentioned here before). She says she only speaks to him occasionally and it usually is talk about his kids and our son. She says the conversations are nothing deep. Againts my better judgement I told her that I still wished she would not talk to him but I cannot force her to do anything....this is where I should have said that I didnt want a threesome in the marriage, but my game plan fell apart and I didnt say it.

Me contacting this exBF wont help. He is a degenerate and wouldn't care about what I said. He is in and out of jail which is the reason she left him in the first place. For some reason she still holds on to him even though she knows there is no future in a relationship with him. How do I get her to realize the danger of her relationship with this guy to our marriage? She honestly sees him as a friend and can't wrap her mind around the potential danger he poses. Any suggestions will be helpful.

You screwed up there. You cannot force her to do anything. If she wants to go through all the trouble of a divorce so she can call him, she can do that. But if she isn't she needs to respect your marital boundaries. Because she refuses says to me that it is more than just friends. If she refuses, expose it to her family and friends just like the EA. Stand up for yourself. Cut off her cell phone if she still flaunts it. If she wants to continue her relationship with XBF, she'll have to end her relationship with you.

You need to get yourself a plan together. Seems like you're unfocused and unsure of what to do next. Going out to movies and dinner and fun things is great, but there is hard work to be done to bust up the affair(s) and get her to choose to come back to you (right now it sounds like you're just the default choice). After that you'll work to identify her reasons for the affair, identify the underlying problems in your marriage, and begin the process of recovery.

Get yourself a copy of Surviving an Affair and His Needs Her Needs. Read up on plan A.

bitbucket, you are absolutely right about me being the default choice. She once told me that just because I have a career and her family and friends love me don't mean that our relationship is peachy (this was in the middle of an argument but I think she had hidden meaning behind it). I did get both literature that you suggested. I thought I was in plan A, but maybe my approach is off. Could anyone suggest where I am going off track.

I asked for NC with OM and she says there is no contact apart from work related stuff which is minimal. I asked her to look for another job because we could not afford her quitting her job before securing another one. She said she is looking and even sent me some options. She has agreed to go to IC and has gone twice already (I dont think she is beings straight with the therapist though).

I agree her refusal to stop calling her exBF is a problem and I could have handled it a little better. I will attempt to do this on Sunday...the right way. She, however, seems to be getting more secretive than open. Just this week she changed the password on all her email accounts and her online cell phone bills. Suspicious ? I would think so.

Sounds like time for a keylogger (SpectorPro). She may have just told you what you wanted to hear to get you off her back. It is time to go into 007 mode.