Ok, so I have no idea why but I am really hung up on the idea that I haven't really received closure with regards to the OW. My WH had an EA with a co-worker, lasted a few months, by the time I found out it was over.

It took several months for me to find out the real scope of their relationship. The first email I found, was brushed off as a "oops", mistake of feelings and they were truly just friends. I corresponded with the OW who advised me the same, took a lot of time to write me an email "explaining" everything.

So, a month or so later.. found another email. This one was sent on the weekends, included some spouse bashing and they referred to eachother as babe. I flew off the handle, immediately confronted both my husband and the OW. They still claimed they were just friends. I then contacted the OW's husband and forwarded him the info that I found. I again, asked the OW to explain the real story and she was so mad I contacted her husband, she said to not contact her and she would not answer my ?s

Well, another month passed and jackpot- found a ton of emails indicating that this was an EA. (they did kiss on two occassions) Furious, I forwarded the emails to her and her husband. She responded and said that if I contact her again, she will file a RO against me.

So..when I found the first email, my husband sent her a NC email. I found out later that they had actually spoke in person earlier to discuss what I knew etc. and he sent her the email for my benefit. They did not communicate at all after that.

When I found the second email, he sent her another NC email.

I feel like she probably felt that both emails were sent for my benefit.

I am really pissed for one that she threatened me with a RO and even more pissed that WH did not say anything to her about it.

I am very much hung up on him sending her an email, making it clear that he is sending it on his behalf and letting her know that he didnt feel that way about her, that it was a mistake, explain his feelings for me, clear the air
(because he made me out to seem like an awful person, to gain her sympathy) and tell her off for threatening me like that. May seem a little childish and yes I dont care about her and should just move on, but feel like I cant until he does that.

He refuses as he thinks it wont solve anything and that too much time has passed. He does not see or talk to her and wants to keep it that way.

Thoughts???? Help!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amazing that your husband feels like he can "refuse" anything. He had an affair while you were pregnant, and now feels like he has a choice in things?

Here is what his NC letter should have said -

Dr. Harley?s (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she?s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

If his NC letter was not like this, he needs to send another one. This is not so much about NC but about clearing the air, and making you feel safe.

And the OW wants to get an RO against you????? It was okay for her to conspire with your husband while you were pregnant, but now she feels threatened. Haha. I would continue emailing her husband, if there is any more contact.

She can't get a RO on you for emailing her husband, so don't worry about it. What you need to worry about is her figuring out how to block your address on her H's email.

Thanks to both of you for your responses. He has maintained NC but I just feel like the first two
"NC" emails
were obviously contrived and dont really mean anything
bc one, he conspired with her on the first one and when the second one was sent, I still didnt know the full story or the truth. His refusal is based on: he feels that sending her another email is not going to solve anything and that it is only inviting her back in, which in some situations yes, but in ours, she wants nothing to do with him as he wants nothing to do with her. I just feel like he should be willing to do whatever I need to give me closure and he feels like this isnt the right thing to do.

"I just feel like he should be willing to do whatever I need to give me closure and he feels like this isnt the right thing to do. "

So it is still all about him.

What is his plan for recovery? You can tell him I asked.

I'm with believer here. Your WH needs to do a followup NC properly for you. It requires no response from OW and doesn't invite one.

Then work on you and the M.

Thanks, I really was beginning to feel crazy for even asking him to do that. In his defense, other than not sending a follow up contact he has: been VERY remorseful, regretful; went to IC, willing to do MC, reading the forums, and books on infidelity, figured out why it happened and takes responsiblity for it. My only problem
is that I want her to know- that his feelings were fake; that the situation with her was a mistake, that she has some nerve threatening me with a RO, etc etc. He believes that she knows all of this and he has and plans to maintain NC with her, so why bother... Thanks again

Just curious. What does he say about the reason it happened?

Well to start, he realizes that there was NO justification or excuse. He said that it was due to his low self-esteem, his selfishness, and weaknesses. He said that that he was thrilled to have someone to talk to and who listened to him without judgement and due to all of his issues, he jumped feet first into the situation without regards to anyone else. He said it was about the situation and how it made him feel and that had really nothing to do with her or me- it was all about him.

Mom2:

In regards to this:



His feelings were FAKE? I don't think so. And no matter how much you state it, it will not be true. His feelings were real, at the time, although wrong, and now he needs to explore why what happened with OW with YOU, to prevent it from happening again. Changing both of your behaviors to guard against it.

And guess what? OW doesn't care what you think. You will never correct her wrong thinking. 100 emails, 42 letters, a weekend with Dr. Phil will never change her. Leave it at that. Is she still contacting your H? If yes, keep exposing. If not, she no longer exists to you. Shun her.

How about this:



She was screwing your H. And you made things tough with her at home with her H. Imagine OW in police station: "Yes, I was screwing her H, and she sent a email to MY H telling HIM about it. I want you to slap a RO on her." Policeman: "Yes, we will get right on that. M21NY looks VERY Dangerous!"

So, If you surf around here a bit, you will find out that BS's want to confront the OP and tell them off. In most cases, it ends up badly for the BS. From just not saying what you want to say, to the OP twisting everything around, to the police getting called. Your chance of success is slim. So ignore her. Unless she or your H contact each other again.

You can vent here. And you will get some sympathy. And you deserve sympathy for what us WH do. But, also understand that you need to control yourself. You appear to be doing well.

M21NY:

Did you read about emotional needs?

This sentence could have been written about me:



Yes, it was about him. The Affair was.

But do you see the emotional needs that he wasn't getting met.

And I am sure you could list yours as well.

And realizing this is when recovery can really start.....

lousygolfer- thanks! I appreciate your response. Yes, I do realize what was lacking within our marriage and I do, we both take responsibility for the problems we brought to the marriage, which did make it vulnerable to the affair.

Interesting that you say that about his feelings. I have always said to him that he had feelings for her at the time and that maybe he now realizes that they werent what he thought they were.

He is adamant, that he knew, at the time that he did not
have any kind of romantic feelings for her. He told her he did because he liked how it made him feel to hear those things said back to him, that he liked the feeling of being wanted and appreciated. He said that at the time, he would sometimes sit there, while typing her an email and ask himself why he was doing that bc he knew that he didnt feel what he was writing... hmmm not sure about this one. THis is something that I often struggle with.. the fact that he could develop these types of feelings for another person
is often a obstacle that I cant seem to get over...

Perhaps I missed it but your post does not indicate how much time has passed since the last contact. The advice given to you in the above posts are most effective when taken soon after “no contact” is agreed too and established. I can envision that such an action could be counterproductive if too much time has passed.

Like most betrayed spouses you seek and desire some level of restitution or as you say “closure”. A “no contact” letter is often a satisfying pre requisite towards the beginning of recovery. It is a kind and gracious gift that is more then just a symbol of recommitment. But more then anything else, it is a means to an end; the “end” being “recovery”.

Consider that this issue is not about “him” and it is not about “you”. It is, however, all about saving and strengthening your marriage. If you both place your focus there, then you will find that the choices you each make will serve you to that end.



You may best help yourself by first defining what the word “closure” means in this situation and then ask yourself what it is that you are really looking for from your husband. Perhaps you will find that the source of your anxiety stems from something else.

Even with your husband authoring a “no contact” letter I hope that you consider some of what I have said. You both are learning new “team” skills and with that you will likely come to appreciate the frailties that are inherent in life and love.

Mr. G