I asked my wife this moreing if a number that I saw on our cell phone bill was the OM, she said that is wasn't. Right after we got out of our MC, that was a very difficult session, she told me that she had been texting and talking with the OM on her cell phone and the number I asked her about belonged to the OM.

She had only had NC for about a week since she told me the there was NC. We went back to Colorado for Christmas and my brother, who I confided in was acting like a jerk to her. She called the OM after that and they had been talking and texting ever since. She actually ran into him on campus yesterday and didn't tell me about it until today.

We talked and argued in the car after our MC. I am sure there were some LB on my part. We arrived is seperate cars because she was coming from campus, she said she didn't see him today. I told her that I still want to be married to her and that I still love her.

She didn't know what she wanted. I think she wants a divorce. I told her that I love her and that I want to be the man that she needs. I then told her that I still don't want her to talk to him any more. And asked if she could do me the courtesy to not talk to him until she had made a decision on what she wants to do.

I then got out of my car and drove home. I told her that I love her and that I hope to see her at home soon.

It has felt like I have slipped right back down. I am so numb.

-Jason

romero,

Have you been very deliberate in detailing the consequence of her actions?

Approach her like the six year old she is pretending to be and say " If you do this, these will be the consequences to YOUR actions"

Then do it.

Delete his number from her phone and have her number changed immediately. WS's are like addicts, and they crave the OM. Help you WW get over her addiction. This is a slight setback, but it can be overcome. Do as I say, and you will thank me later. No more LBing.

Also, find OM's parents and let them know what their boy has been up to. My OM's parents were not happy with him when I sent them the proof I had of their A.

She has told me that she needs to make a decision and out of respect for me she would break off contact with him until she has made a decision.

She is going to talk with him today. She keeps telling me that it is not about the OM. It is about our marriage. She is struggling why the affair happened. She stated that she doesn't want to spend years in MC only to find out that she doesn't want to be married to me.

I hope this is just the fog. She kissed me good bye this morning and told me that she loves me when I walked out the door for work. (me holding on to hope)

She has agreed on "radical honesty" (I thought that she already had when she told me about the A in the first place) She has been afraid of the consequense about being in contact with him not wanting to tell me. I told her that she has already told me the worst thing I would ever hear and she shouldn't be afraid to "make it worse".

I went to see the doctor today. He renewed my prescription for AD and sleeping pills. He also reffered me to a psycologist/psychiatrist.

-J

A talk with him is no good. She could spin it so that, "I'm going to figure out whether or not I'm going to stick with J, and if not, we can be together." Don't let her do that. She needs to send a NC letter or email and never see the guy again. Once there is NC, change her cell phone number, and delete his. If she refuses, she doesn't want NC, she wants to run back to him when things get rough again. Insist on it. Once there is NC for several months, you will start to rebuild your M once again. NC is the key. She has to agree to put her head down and walk by the guy if she sees him on campus. Is there somewhere else she could take classes? Your prognosis is good, but you need to snoop to ensure NC (verify email, phone records), and follow up if there is contact.

We said that she would tell him that it was over today... and she wanted to do the right thing. I wanted her to write a letter. She wanted to tell him personally, i guess she felt she owed him that.

She has agreed that she would no longer contact him at all and that she would turn and walk away from him if she saw him on campus and if she saw him she would tell me.

If he calls her cell I told her that I want to answer the phone and tell him never to call again. We will then change her number.

I am snooping away, the number I looked up in my "paranoia thread" turned out to be the OM's.

I am praying that she can maintain NC. I am trying to keep my head up.

-J

Delete his number from her phone. Don't tell her you are going to do it, just do it. The great thing about address books on cell phones is that nobody ever writes down or dials a number anymore, so they just forget it. Search her phone, clear out the call and text history, delete his number, and hide the cell phone bills with his number on it. This was likely an EA for a LONG time before it became a PA. Your WW is an OM addict. Don't leave paraphenalia laying around in case she gets a craving. You need to help her get over her addiction. Stay strong.

If she owes him telling him it's over in person, what does she owe you? She doesn't owe him [censored]. He was fooling around with a married woman.

She has him number memorized. He e-mailed it to her over the holidays, I saw the e-mail and didn't read it. (I should have just had her delete it before she read it. She didn't tell me that he sent it to her. He was checking up on her, he said he was worried about her because we had changed her number and he was worried that I might have hurt her. (his exscuse to contact her and show he cared, put him in a good light make me sound bad)

After the first NC, she didn't know the number. After he e-mail her she learned the number.

She is having a hard time understanding that the affair was just wrong... I guess she sees it as a wakeup call that she shouldn't have gotten married.


-J

I think ALL WS'es say that! Just 15 minutes ago I was having another 'discussion' with the WS about the A and she said the same thing!

I told her that for the last month since D-day, she has been giving me 1001 reasons and hindsights as to why our marriage could have been the problem, how maybe we wern't meant for each other, blah blah blah. I told her that NEVER ONCE did she give some justifications or reasons why the AFFAIR was wrong. And though she denies it sometimes, could her thinking STILL be clouded by the A and the OW since they still have not had NC and see each other at work? That shut her up for a while <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Really, its textbook WS-speech.. I believe it from seeing so many ppl post about their WS saying the SAME EXACT things!

Even if it is "standard" WS speak, she doesn't see it as that. She sees it as the way things are, not just confused feelings and thoughts because of any type of fog.

That too, is perfectly normal my friend. You cannot talk her into believing anything, especially when she is in a fog she doesn't even admit or realize!

This is very typical for a WS and only after she has gone thorugh withdrawal will her attitude change.

Their emotions and feelings will dictate all of their actions while in the fog.

Of course she see's it as the way things are, to see it any differently than this would mean looking into the mirror and finding the problem. A woman who has sacraficed her morals, values, principles, being for a fantasy that will never live up to billing. She can't do that it would hurt too much and put the monkey on her back to change and help fix the problems, destruction she's created by having an A.

I hope in the fog she doesn't make the decision. I told her that there was no way the she could decide on us with him still in the picture. I am hoping that she at least trys to make it through some of the w/d before she decides.

She told me that she would talk to him by 2 eastern time. It is 1:15 and I haven't heard from her. I guess I will find out this evening.

I just hope that she feels that the marriage is worth saving.

--sigh--

I just heard from her....

She says that the A is now done.... The clock starts now with NC. Long weekend with her missing him. I can't wait. I hope it is truly done.

-Jason

PS. I changed my screen name, I need a sanctuary right now. Thanks again for your support.

Remember what I said, delete the email with his phone number, block his email address, and delte his number from your WW's phone. If she complains ask her what she was doing looking for his number. Enforce your marital boundaries. Remember, try to meet her ENs with not LBs. Keep her entertained and busy and this will help her through withdrawal.

Be aware, many times a WS will comit to NC just to rebuild their wall of secrecy, give a false impression of comittment, and get "the monkey off their back" .. that monkey being you. No offense.

A WS telling you point blank "I will not contact OP anymore."
is like a crack-addict telling you "I will no longer smoke crack."

Be wary. Be alert. Keep loving her. Don't give up.

It was a long loveless night. We have only said about 5 words to eachother today. I did do some listening about how nothing made sense to her...

She is hoping that a period of NC will give her some clarity so she can decide if she wants to remain married. She said that she has never saw him as anything long term. What seems to bother her the most is that it happened in the first place.

I am scared and worried that she is going to decide that she wants a divorce. She was reading the book, "Surviving Infidelity" and was dissapointed because it didn't explain why it happened. I also purchased the book Surving an Affair from this site. I am hoping she will read that as well.

I love her so much and I want to save our marriage, but it doesn't seem like I can do anything but wait for her.

I am going to go shopping and look of a martial arts school in the area today. I asked her if she wanted to get dinner tonight. She said she didn't want to commit to anything. (ironic)

I just keep repeating Isiaha 41:10

-AMEN

-J

Don't talk about divorce at all. Always have a positive attitude. When she says something like, "I don't know if I can be married anymore," say something like, "We're gonna be alright." Reaffirm this to her. Part of what she is thinking is doubting whether or not you can truly forgive her or you are going to hold her hostage over this for the rest of her life. Enforce your boundaries, but always be confident that things will work out.

Of course she doesn't know whether or not she wants to stay married. She had an affair. You just keep being a lighthouse, a great husband, and a safe place for her to fall back to when she hits bottom. You'll get through this. SAA would be a good book for her to read. She probably won't "get it" right away (it wasn't our situation, it can't be that simple, etc.), but the seeds will be planted.