Hmmm, interesting. That was one of my ex's main complaints about me - that I did not seem to "need" anything.

So maybe "self sufficiency", in either men or women, is not a good thing if taken to the point where an independent, rather an interdependent, relationship is formed?

AGG

A very good observation and question, Fraulein! What I said is just begging for correction or clarification, isn't it?

First, when I talked about inspiration and challenge, I meant it as a role model rather than as requiring any active effort on the woman's part. The drive to grow and change must still come from inside myself, and I accept that responsibility in full. I don't want to be nagged into improvement.

Secondly, the part I didn't say was that I would also have to believe I could perform the same service of inspiration and challenge for my partner - just in other areas.

If you'll note, the words I used were "...unless I felt that she was 'too good' for me." If I did not truly believe that I was worthy of her (regardless of how I felt), I would not put myself in a position where I would drag her down - which is what I expect would happen if I were to marry her and then fail to pull my own weight in the relationship.

The word "revere" means "to regard with respect tinged with awe" and I used it with care. There are things which come easily to me which do not come easily to others; and there are things which come easily to others which do not come easily to me! When I see someone demonstrating gifts (including gifts of character) which I have to a much lesser degree, I am moved with admiration and wonder. I say to myself "Wow! I will never be able to do that! But I'm going to see how close I can get!"

But despite my use of the words "too good" (which I put in quotes for a reason), I don't really want a woman who stands on a pedestal (whether I'm the one who put her there or not). I'm not interested in feeling inferior any more than I'm interested in feeling superior. I want to feel that sense of awe and wonder at who has chosen to partner with me, but I also want to believe that I can wow her with my own sterling qualities and actions! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I believe that interdependence must be built upon a foundation of independence. Interdependence is a choice you make. Not because you have to, but because you want to! You make that choice because even though you may each be sufficient within yourself, together you can be (synergistically) something more both as individuals and as a partnership than you would be separately.

But then, I'm idealistic! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I got the same remark, I was too independent, what did I need him for, from ex while in MC. It really surprised me.

I'd like to know I can count on my partner to help me when I need it & visa versa. Dependent doesn't have a positive ring too it but I want to know my partner can be depended on to work with me in our relationship.

In other words, dependable rather than dependent... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hm, same here...
I wonder... could it be just because ow was very present at that time and that was just an 'excuse' ('she needs me and you do not, that's why I had to be with her')...??

However, I prefer 'interdependence'... (lucky ones who can count on their partners 'in everything'...)

I can take care of myself in most respects.

Because of that strong independent women don't intimidate me.

But, I do find that strong independent women seem to want men who are more outwardly ALPHA types. And they often measure men by the $$'s they have and control. My self confidence is very internal and not reflected by a swaggering dominent attitude. I am financially secure, but don't make a big deal of it. So, these women often do not choose me.

Their choice.

This applied to me too in my ex's A.I am and always have been a very independent person,mostly due to the fact that my own parents had a bad break up so I was, in many ways, responsible for myself since being a teenager.I made very wise and adult like decisions long before my peers even had a clue because I was thrust into that stage.

So,my ex being a CA and also needing a LOT of admiration for being who he is ( fawning over?) felt that this OW who crooned over him,listened to his "sad home life",understood and commiserated,etc, was the "perfect match" of neediness and co-conspiratorial selfish desire that convinced him that I didn't need him or want him or even still love him,as I truly and deeply did then.

I still am very independent but that is not to say that I would not love to be cared for and "belong" to a man again and share similar likes and fun and being there for one another and being romantic and totally devoted to only ourselves,forget the world.I think it was AGG or someone who said that they would love for a woman to enter their lives seamlessly.I hope for that too with a man but that may not be reality.I consider myself very easy going.Who knows what the future holds.....

hi all.....

long time no talk....

anyway....my read on this is the old saying that goes something like this....

"people NEVER say what they mean and mean what they say"

i think most men...myself included find an "independent" woman attractive...its a very attratctive quality...but lets not over do it though....

my GF was very independent when we first started dating and about 6 months into the R, her "independence" issues became topics of struggle...now, at the TWO year mark...we have a GREAT balance and still "goin strong!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

men still NEED to be men and after little hic-ups along the way....women are STILL women and its just getting things in balance....

keep your indepence (as a woman) but...DONT CONSTANTLY "REMIND" US of it...

just sit back and enjoy the ride!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I would like to know in what ways do men still feel they want to be needed.I am interested and I know it's different for each person.

For me,even though I am independent: I still love the idea of my guy opening the car door for me,holding my hand,getting the scary bugs out of my room,helping with home repairs,etc,helping with dinner *and dishes,being there emotionally when I need it( goes both ways),being dependable,being the one I talk to about things,stuff like that.Because I am dependent doesn't mean I don't enjoy having a strong man around to be part of my life in all it's aspects.