Last night, I found some text messages on my husband's cell phone that made it pretty clear to me that he's seeing another woman. I confronted him about it, and at first he denied it repeatedly but late last night via email, he admitted to me that he has been seeing someone else. This would mark his 3rd affair that I know about. About 5 years ago, he had his first affair when he went on his first out of state business trip. That lasted for only a month. Then, several months ago, one night he admitted to me that he had been having another affair. That affair had lasted for 10 months. Once that woman found out that he was in fact not separated from me and still very much living with me, etc., she dumped him and wanted nothing more to do with him. As angry as I was, I decided to give him another chance which I feel really stupid about now. We do have a 9-year-old daughter so it was mostly for her sake although somehow I do still love him. I guess as soon as this girl dumped him, he ran right out and found affair partner #3 which is the girl he is currently seeing.

After his second affair, he told me that he was done cheating. Obviously, he lied to me. It had been awhile since he's wanted to have sex with me, but I attributed that to my weight gain since he told me that was the reason why. In the past five years, due to my depression about my marriage, I have gradually put on almost 100 pounds. So, I can certainly understand why he wouldn't be physically attracted to me anymore, but I still don't think that gave him the right to cheat on me. If he was so unhappy with me, I feel that he should have divorced me.

Is it possible to work things out after multiple affairs? I don't know that I even would want to, but is it even possible?? I think that if I were to get thin again that he would no longer have any reason to cheat. I am working on that and have lost 6 pounds in the past three days on the South Beach Diet.

My heart hurts so bad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

What do you think Dr. Harley would say I should do? Part of me thinks that he'd advise a divorce assuming I had tried everything I could to meet his needs after finding out about the 1st and/or 2nd affair. However, I never made much progress at all with meeting his top needs due to how depressed I was from his affairs.

At this point, he is saying that he wants us to separate. I guess he is going to stay at his parents house which is about 15 minutes away from here. I asked him to stop seeing this girl right away and commit to our marriage. He says he will tell her he needs a break from her and stop seeing her until he figures out what he wants to do about us. But...I think he's probably lying to me about that.

I am so, so stressed out. I keep going back and forth in my mind between whether I should trying and win him back or if I should go and file for divorce right away. My daughter wants so bad for us to work things out, and I want that to. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Dear Sadgirl!



I am sorry you have to be here. But in your pain you have chosen the best plase.


You are in a very tough place now. This pain is equivalent to what you would experience from the death of a very close one. There is not only the loss of the M (marriage) you believed in, but also the betrayal. You have a lot of grief on front of you.


In this pain there is much help in seeing that you are not alone. Read yourself up on the other posts in these forums. Read also the articles you find here in this site. The resourses here are more then just the forums. In this site you will learn tools to master the crasy situation you find yourself in.


At the top of the post-list in the "just found out" forum there are som threads for newly betrayed people (BS's in the "local language"). Read these threads. There are also other forums in this site: "general questions II" and "in recovery". There are many useful threads to read in both. It is possible to find older threads several years back in time, so there is much to choose from. Read and see that you are not alone with this pain. For some reason most people in your situation has a very strong urge to know that they are not crasy. It is the norm to feel like you do now!
By the way, if you are a Christian. Very many people posting here testify to the support they feel from praying. Be free to try :-)



As to your WH beeing a serial cheater.
Yes, the prospects are much more pesimistic with serial cheaters. The serial cheater has deep isssues within. They have such a strong urge towards the infatiguation all people feel in the early phase of a relationship. They go chasing that feeling again and again. They are in love with "being in love" rather then the affair partner (OP). They lack the maturity for a lasting relationship.
There are succsessful recovered couples here who have suffered from multiple A's. But this usually occours only after the WS (unfaithful spouse) have hit the "rock botom". They have to make a real and lasting life altering change. If you only see some tears and hear some nice promises then I would be very sceptical. Even if they feel fully sincere when they give these promises you will most likely find yourself in this very situation two to five years down the road. For your own sake, do not stay just out of fear of change. You may be "trowing good money after the lost money" (or how would you say that in English ;-), English is not my first language.) Do not make life altering desissions now when you are so broken. But do start to make som preparations for a life without him. Do you have a job? Do you need more education? How about the economy? Are your CV up to date? What about kids? Don't get pregnant now!


Good luck to you in your struggle! And don't despair when this pain doesn't go away in a couple of weeks. That would make you very untypical indeed. Most BS's (betrayed spuses) struggle for about two years with some lingering pain. This may not be what you need to hear now. But when it happens then find rest in the fact that you are not alone! You are not crasy!


God bless

The weekends are very slow, compared to weekdays. You may want to copy/paste your post over the the General Questions II forum, as it is frequented by a lot more of the regulars here.

SD

Sadgirl, I know how you are feeling. I am trying to make sense of my husband living his with his lover right now. I dont understand how he could walk out on his family to someone he only knew for 3 months. He says he has feelings for her and it isnt fair for him to be here thinking of her. Its crap and I know that. I am sad and cry all the time too. I have trouble concentrating at work. I keep holding on to the fact that his romantic affair will burn out one day. I also have 100 pounds I am losing. I have lost 20 pounds this past two weeks from stress. My best friend has told me to get myself back to the gym and that is one of my plans. My husband wasnt a serial cheater. It doesnt matter though, cheating is cheating. I am not sure how this once trustworthy reliable loving man turned into this person he is now. Maybe Im an idiot but I am holding on to maybe he will realize he belongs with his wife and kids one day. It is helping me to read on this site. I hope that you have someone that you can talk to because that helps also. You need family counseling for you and your daughter. I am praying a lot and I hope that God gives me peace soon. I dont know how long I can take this.

Plan A - Plan A - Plan A

Sorry to hear about your husband's infidelity. Read up on Plan A and get started. Congratulations on losing some weight - that will make you feel better about yourself - which should be your no. 1 goal right now.

And yes - it is possible to recover from multiple affairs. MY WH had 2 (that I know about) and is still in the picture. We are far from recovered, but working on it.

Good luck.

slmom9598,

What other plan are you using to lose weight (other from stress which is difficult during these times)?

Congratulations but I hope you can keep healthy in your endeavors.

Ace

Sadgirl is now posting in the GQ II forum.