Last night, I found some text messages on my husband's cell phone that made it pretty clear to me that he's seeing another woman. I confronted him about it, and at first he denied it repeatedly but late last night via email, he admitted to me that he has been seeing someone else. This would mark his 3rd affair that I know about. About 5 years ago, he had his first affair when he went on his first out of state business trip. That lasted for only a month. Then, several months ago, one night he admitted to me that he had been having another affair. That affair had lasted for 10 months. Once that woman found out that he was in fact not separated from me and still very much living with me, etc., she dumped him and wanted nothing more to do with him. As angry as I was, I decided to give him another chance which I feel really stupid about now. We do have a 9-year-old daughter so it was mostly for her sake although somehow I do still love him. I guess as soon as this girl dumped him, he ran right out and found affair partner #3 which is the girl he is currently seeing.

After his second affair, he told me that he was done cheating. Obviously, he lied to me. It had been awhile since he's wanted to have sex with me, but I attributed that to my weight gain since he told me that was the reason why. In the past five years, due to my depression about my marriage, I have gradually put on almost 100 pounds. So, I can certainly understand why he wouldn't be physically attracted to me anymore, but I still don't think that gave him the right to cheat on me. If he was so unhappy with me, I feel that he should have divorced me.

Is it possible to work things out after multiple affairs? I don't know that I even would want to, but is it even possible?? I think that if I were to get thin again that he would no longer have any reason to cheat. I am working on that and have lost 6 pounds in the past three days on the South Beach Diet.

My heart hurts so bad.

What do you think Dr. Harley would say I should do? Part of me thinks that he'd advise a divorce assuming I had tried everything I could to meet his needs after finding out about the 1st and/or 2nd affair. However, I never made much progress at all with meeting his top needs due to how depressed I was from his affairs.

At this point, he is saying that he wants us to separate. I guess he is going to stay at his parents house which is about 15 minutes away from here. I asked him to stop seeing this girl right away and commit to our marriage. He says he will tell her he needs a break from her and stop seeing her until he figures out what he wants to do about us. But...I think he's probably lying to me about that.

I am so, so stressed out. I keep going back and forth in my mind between whether I should trying and win him back or if I should go and file for divorce right away. My daughter wants so bad for us to work things out, and I want that to.

I am sooo sorry for you. It is a heartbreaking thing to go through once... but three times is just too much.
You have done nothing to make him cheat....this is all a lack of integrity on his part.
I would contact an attorney today. Your H is a serial cheater and I suspect you would be advised to leave him. I would advise you send him packing. Your daughter and you will do better with someone that loves and respects your family. He does not.
Please NEVER blame yourslef for what he has done... you do not deserve this and NEVER did.
Take care of yourself.

No, no and NO!

Please don't do this to yourself. It has nothing to do with you, he has character issues.

Did you ever think that maybe you put on weight because of what you have been going through?

Please don't make it about you. Let him go, you and your daughter deserve a life of happiness, not a life of ******.

I'm so sorry. I was with a serial cheater and it almost destroyed me. (I have a 12yo daughter).

After the initial pain of moving on without him, I am happier than I ever dreamed possible.

You will be to.

Thanks for your support ladies.

By the way, I DID put on weight because of what I have been going through! I told him that repeatedly over the years, and he always refused to accept any responsibility for it and said that my weight gain was 100% my fault.

Ladies...LOL...not me!

Oops! Sorry about that. Don't know why I assumed you were female, but I do apologize.

So..even though I gained all that weight (which I admit was very unfair to him), you guys don't think that I "deserved" to be cheated on?

I guess that probably sounds silly for me to even ask that. However, I just feel like in a way I can't exactly blame him for cheating since I "let" myself gain so much weight. I have struggled for so long to lose weight (both for him and for myself), but up until now hadn't done well due to how depressed I've been.

Also, I should mention that he told me last night that supposedly his plan was to dump this other woman once I started meeting his emotional needs (such as losing alot of weight and helping out more financially).

Please don't blame your weight gain on him. That is your responsibility. While the atmosphere in your marriage may have contributed to your feeling sad and eating, you are the one who made the choice.

I suggest you get on a good eating program - like weight watchers - for you. Let your husband know that cheating is not an acceptable way to work out marital problems.

See an attorney to protect yourself financially.

I think your husband needs some tough love. But he will need to choose to get some help for his problem.

If you are not working outside the home, get a job. All of this will help your self esteem and make you realize that you deserve better treatment.

You've got to be kidding, right? This is emotional black-mail/abuse at it's finest.

There is something wrong with your H. Something seriously wrong.

If I lived in the conditions she has been living, I think I'd be comforting myself with food as well. No for me it would definately be wine...

but you are right we make our destructive choices to avoid making the choices we really need to make.

believer, as I said in my first post on this thread, I started the South Beach Diet a few days ago and am now down six pounds. I plan to continue on permanently with this way of eating. I have done WW's in the past, and while that is also a great program, I personally prefer doing the South Beach Diet. Also, I do have a job which is based out of my home. So, I do have money that I make. However, for the most part, I am financially dependent on him. Obviously, that needs to change.

Weaver, I forgot to mention that when he told me the statement below, he meant that USED to be his plan before I found out about his latest affair. As in, once I was really physically attractive to him, he was going to dump this other woman and just never say a word to me about this other girl. His "plan" got messed up though by me seeing those text messages, and now he is saying that he's really unhappy. I guess because he thinks I spoiled his fun??

"Sadgirl123 Wayward husbad", do you take "Sadgirl" to be your wedded wife to live together in marriage. Do you promise to love, comfort, honor and keep her For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. And forsaking all others (in fine print now UNLESS SHE GAINS WEIGHT), be faithful only to her so long as you both shall live?"

Sadgirl123's wayward husband - "I do".

Listen, you gaining weight gives this azz no right to cheat, period. Just as if him getting uglier gives you no right to cheat.

Wow, he just uses people all over the place to fulfill his E/M need for attractivness. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Is this how he has always been, or was he ever a decent, caring, loving person of integrity?

Here are just a few things that he said to me via email last night:

*I love you and I am sorry that your heart hurts so deeply bun. I am sorry that I have done this to you over the years.
I don't want to make you feel this way anymore.

In another email he sent me...
I know this woman loves me more than you ever have or ever will. It freaks me out even....... I've never had anyone love me so much Jamie. I am not saying that I reciprocate these feelings towards her, but I am convinced of her sincerity.

Yet another one...
I just want a happy functional family.......................

sorry to be so blunt... your h is a piece of [censored]. not only does he blame you due to weight...now YOU never loved him enough....
funny, but his latest affair should be your ticket to leave this abusive man.

Way too much Foggy bottom kool-aid being drunk by your WH

A "Happy Functional family" will not be the product of an unfaithful husband.

An unfaithful spouse turns a home into a quiet war zone .. where you can touch the tension, even if there is no yelling, screaming, and love-busting, it's a mentally hostile environment.. far from functional.


1. Work on yourself, lose some wieght, rebuild your self esteem and sense of self-worth .. not for him..but for you.

2. Get your financial ducks in a row .. seek legal advice to protect yourself and your daughter

Thank you for all your comments everyone.

Weaver, you said:
Wow, he just uses people all over the place to fulfill his E/M need for attractivness.

Is this how he has always been, or was he ever a decent, caring, loving person of integrity?

No he has not always been this way. His father is a retired minister, and he was raised in a very loving, good Christian home. When I first met him and when we were first dating, I fell in love with him because of how sweet and caring he was. This is so sad that he's changed so much. Back when I first met him, I never in a million years would have expected him to become this cold, uncaring and deceitful person.

At what point in your marriage did he become a person like he is today?

What do you think the catalyst that changed him was?

Has he ever accepted responsibility for his own actions and the state of your marriage, in actions not in words?