"If I lived in the conditions she has been living, I think I'd be comforting myself with food as well. No for me it would definately be wine..."

Weaver -

Me too - a weakness of mine. But it comforts you in the short run only. In the long run, just more problems.

She will do best by making the changes she can make, and putting WH on the back burner.

weaver said..

At what point in your marriage did he become a person like he is today?
What do you think the catalyst that changed him was?
Has he ever accepted responsibility for his own actions and the state of your marriage, in actions not in words?

Shortly before his first affair, five years ago is when I really noticed a big change in him. I really don't know what the catalyst that changed him was. No, I don't feel that he's ever truly accepted responsibility for what he's done.

God, this hurts so bad...I'm so, so sad right now.

Sadgirl,

What do you think you should do? Inside of you you have the answer but it is lost in confusion right now. That is what happens when one is married to a serial cheater.

There is nothing worse then living in a prolonged state of confusion. And that is what you need to do, try to get to to a different mental state. And this takes time.

Anti-depressents might help you. Is this an option?

Sadgirl, the pain is going to be around awhile but it will subside. Stay here and use this place often.

Weaver,

I am actually on 20 mg of Lexapro a day right now. I am bawling my eyes out at the moment, so I can't even imagine what I'd be like if I wasn't on antidepressants. He just came by to visit my daughter, and I did okay while he was here. But...seeing him and how nonchalent he seems about all this triggered something in me and now I can't seem to stop crying.

It's okay to cry, we've all cried buckets and buckets around here.

It won't last forever, please know that. Try to read and talk to others as much as possible right now. Find comfort here and with those that are close to you.

It's best that he see you at your best when ever you do see him. No crying, pleading, begging or talking about the relationship. Time to rebuild your self-esteem level, and it will be easier to do with him else where for now.

You don't know what the future holds and you don't know what kind of changes will occur for either one of you at this point.

Please hang in there.

I would second the hang in there with your emotions. They are very raw right now. But I would contact a lawyer immediately and start the paperwork to get this serial cheater removed from your life.

Imagine now... two years down the road... you're healthy....you've reached your goal weight...you have gotten rid of the stress of living with someone that abuses you...you've met a man that respects you and loves your daughter as his own. That is what life can bring you... or two years from now... you can be wondering if he is at it again... for the 4th, 5th or 6th time.

Take care of you and your daughter first.

Weaver,
You said...
It's best that he see you at your best when ever you do see him. No crying, pleading, begging or talking about the relationship.

Just curious, why do you think it's best to not talk about the relationship? If I don't say anything to him about it, isn't that going to make him think that I'm a doormat and fine with what he's doing? Assuming I don't file for divorce right away. Part of me really wants to, but I'm not really in a good financial position to do that right now.

mkeverydaycnt,
You said...
Imagine now... two years down the road... you're healthy....you've reached your goal weight...you have gotten rid of the stress of living with someone that abuses you...you've met a man that respects you and loves your daughter as his own. That is what life can bring you... or two years from now... you can be wondering if he is at it again... for the 4th, 5th or 6th time.

Thanks for that visual. You've really given me something to think about.

I just talked to him and again he was blaming me for everything. Now I'm crying again. God, I just can't take this.

He just sent me this email:

Honestly, stop the anger and resentment and all that ****** you do please. I love you and I am sorry that this is happening the way it is.

Don't count us out yet! If you lose a ton of weight and make Benjamins I will give you a second chance bun!

Is he out of the home? How come all the emails? I think I would get busy doing something else.

Dear WH thank you for your email. It reassures me that your shallowness and that you no nothing of real love and relationship. I will lose the weight FOR ME and as far as taking me back I am not sure that that decision is yours to make.

Have a great day.

IMHO
If he is already out of the house then you should move directly to Plan B. Get an attorney and protect your finances and daughter.

The reason I say this is two fold. He is serial cheater actively involved with A #3. More importantly, he is flaunting it in your face and running your self esteem down to 0. The things he says are not remotely loving and IMO severe verbal abuse. You can not continue to take this and not expect to have an adverse affect with DD, work, etc. In order to maintain any chance at reconcilliation, with severe IC for the WH, you must protect the remaining amount in your "Love Bank".

Therefore, I would seek atty and prepare a NC letter. After which I would block his email and prepare to have RO issued if necessary.

My $0.02

Hi

I'm usually on the revceing end of advice and not brilliant at offering it, but here's my 2p.

Firstly, it's important to your mental as well as your physical health to eat properly (healthily?).

B elieve me, I, lost 4 stone in 10 months and hven't even tried to diet. Stress, sleepness nights and everything else. Most of the time I didn't even feel hungry.

If you want to improve - improve for YOU not him. Exercise is the key, not dieting, get the endorpines, but do it to feel good about yourself. DO NOT tell him you are doing it for him. Start being cagey about where you are going out. Buy ome new clothes, be different. Let him see changes but this is not about HIM. You are right, if the arrogant b**[censored] starts finding you attractive again then do not just roll over and say take it. Make him want, make him desire. You never know, you might not even want back in when you reach your goal.
There are many reasons for people having affairs but weight gain is pretty lame. I love my WW so much that I would die for her. That wouldn't change if she was in an accident and was disfigured or something like that.
I suspect your weight gain was probably something to do with unhapiness before all this surfaced. Whatever the unhappiness was then is what you need to be tackling if you are to fully understand what the problem is. Weight has nothing to do with it.

You know...your H is the enemy here. He is a horrible, no good, very bad person. I refuse to call him a man and frankly am wondering why you haven't divorced this scum bag already.
So, get thin, make money and I will stop screwing someone else. Sorry dear... but you have to see this for what it is. Even in the world of WS behavior... he ranks ups there with the absolute worst of them. SAVE THOSE EMAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A judge will throw the book at him in terms of support. Your H deserves to have his f-ing teeth knocked down his throat.

I'm bawling my eyes out right now. I can't deal with this. i am sooooo sad.

At first, I wanted a divorce after everything he's done. But...now I'm started to feel totally depressed about that thought of our family splitting up. i miss so much the way things used to be. i want my family back together.

Okay, so you know the only one you can change is yourself. Keep working on that. If you are getting too depressed, see your doc for meds.

Is he living out of the home?

I was on 20 mg of Lexapro for a long time before I even found out about his current affair, but I'm still very depressed. No, he's not living here. He claims he's staying at his parents house, but I think he's probably really staying with the OW. I have asked him to please give us another chance, go to marriage counseling, etc., but he seems to have no interest in that. It's like totally destroying my self esteem to be rejected like this. To think he could throw away almost 10 years of marriage so easily over someone he's been with for only 11 months, just kills me inside.