See your doctor if the meds aren't working.

What you are going through is something we've all been through. Your husband is acting like they all do. Start making a plan. Protect yourself financially. Start making changes in you. You can start in Plan A, but need to get some boundaries in how he treats you.

Are you in counseling?

Sadgirl--

I want to give you lots of encouratgement, but I am afraid my words might sound cliche. They're not, though. Because I mean this--

YOU are meant to be here. You have a purpose. You are beautiful and amazing. Yes, you might be overweight--so many of us struggle with weight issues--they are all our own, but weight DOES NOT make you any less of a person. A person, I might add, that is a masterpiece in our Creator's eyes.

You are at a turning point here. In a way, you're at a point where you are forced to make some tough decisions. Like, do i want my WH back after multiple affairs? Do I want to work on me for ME?

These are big choices that don't have to be tackled at once. Sit down, be still for a bit, and come up with a plan you canhandle for today. Don't think even a month in advacne until you can get through a few todays.

You know, though--it's your WH ultimatley who has the most to change here. Right now, he's a verbally abusive and emotionally abusive cheater who has no clue what a gem he has in you. I just want YOU to see what you're worth, so when and if he is ever ready to make the changes he needs to make, you'll know what you deserve and what standards you'll require of him. You have more control here than you know. You're just too overwhelmed right now to see it.

Wish I could give you a big hug, look you in the eye and say "You'll make it through this. I can;t say what "through " will look like, but you'll make it through, and be a stronger, better you because of it."

Hugs to you. Looking forward to the day you change your name to happygirl, because I know that day will come.

Then stop opening yourself up to more rejection from him. When I said no more relationship talk it was because of what happens when you ask him to come back. He says, well maybe if you were thinner, richer, etc. Lies, all lies but you buy right into it and then your self-esteem plummets, and then you get the courage to ask him again, and then you get punched in the gut again, and then you lick your wounds and go back for more.

Intexas words were true, his are lies. And until you have been away from him long enough to become unconfused about this, you will not get out of your depression.

I think you should file for legal separation, temporary full custody and support immediately. He has abandoned your family and home.

You must begin to protect yourself, your daughter and your heart.

Once you begin to take care of these things your depression will lift. That's a promise, and the truth.

SG123,
I think we have married the samr type man. My STBXWH also blames me for everything. He also is a serial cheater, His first A was 5 years ago with a 27 year old co-worker, we were 40 at the time. That didn't help my self esteem and I was also battling depression. Last August I had definate proof of his 2nd affair (that I know of). Again I was struggling with weight ( I was at my heaviest even heavier then when I was 9 mos pregnant) With the infidelity diet I lost 50lbs in 3-4 months. This affair is with a 29 year twice married empolyee of his. He refuses to take responsibility for his actions. Our parish deacon told me I needed to get with a councilor who specialized in abuse. He told me I am being emotionally and verbally abused!!
And I know how you feel... I want my H back, I want our family back but at what cost. I'm not sure who said it but they are right do we always want to be wondering is he doing it again. Is it number 5 or 6. No we do not want this. Believe me I'm struggling we have been together 27 years and married for 22 years. His ****** was 2 years old when we met. We have 3 children. I'm there for you and praying for strength for both of us.
SH01

Sadgirl....where are you? What's happening?

Your plea was one of the first I read when I registered last weekend. I've been a bit distracted by my own trust-building endeavor you're welcome to read about in "How do we rebuild trust after multiple betrayals?" But I'm glad I found your last post so I could support everyone's encouragement about your weight challenges.

I'm sure you know that this really should be about health and healing for you, not losing weight to get WH back.

In the late 1990's, I gained 100 pounds due to various reasons (aka 'excuses') and became very unhappy. In 2002, after a client jolted me (asked me how I got so fat?) I lost much of the weight via Curves/South Beach plans....but then my husband lost his job and I gained half of it back due to stress.

Last year, after I had lost all but 20 pounds my husband had the affair.

Emotional needs know no scales. They just 'happen' no matter what you weigh. But getting healthy should be for you and your family, whether WH is in the picture or not. And getting healthy will help you with your own ENs and those of others.

In the six months since D day #1, I've continued to lose by changing my vision....in spite of multiple betrayals.

I won't go into the visualization 'games' I play to focus on getting healthy, but I eat all the time (smart food on SB lists) and drink tons of water to 'pee away the pounds!'

You've heard the tired cliche that "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." Getting healthy has to start one meal at a time, then one hour at a time, then one day, then one week, etc. Focus on the rest of your life and how being healthy will help you cope and overcome all the challenges you're encountering for you and your family.

But don't (pardon the pun) bite off more than you can chew. Take baby steps and build on those gradually. God can help you, too.... and although this forum is not about physical health, it's all related to your emotional health .

Keep posting and venting.....many of us know what you're going through (marriage wise AND weight wise) and we want to help.

Thanks so much for the advice and support everyone. I'm sorry I haven't posted here in awhile. Things have been crazy around here. WH is still seeing the OW. He tries to tell me that things aren't that serious lately with OW, yet I saw him driving her car the other night. So..obviously they must be fairly serious for her to trust him to drive her car around without her in it. I really don't get why he bothers lying to me about how serious his relationship with the OW is. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Also, I should mention how I found out that he was driving the OW's car around in the first place. There is quite a story behind that.

WH was over here visiting our daughter the other night. I had a strict rule with him that as long as he's seeing the OW, he is NOT welcome in our house. So...normally I don't even let him past the front door and I have him pick up our daughter so they can go do fun things together. However, the other night she wasn't feeling good and really wanted to see him. She begged me to let her see her daddy. So..I made an exception to the rule and let him visit with her in the living room. Several minutes into their visit together, I was feeling akward and uncomfortable having him there. So...I told him "I'm going to go out to the car to get some of my CD's that I left in there". Right away he got all nervous looking and said "No. You can't do that". So I said said "Yes I can! I know my CD's are out there in OUR car and I deserve to have them"! Again, he was like "No! You CANNOT go out there"! When I said "Why not"? He said "Your eyes are not privvy to some of the things that are out there in our car". And I said, "What? Do you have some of the OW's things in our car? Whatever, I don't care. I just want to go get my CD's out of there real quick." So...I walked out of the house and lo and behold, our car is NOT in the driveway where we normally park. So...I walked around to the front of our house, and I STILL don't see our car or ANY car for that matter parked in front of our house. I'm thinking that for some weird reason, he must have had the OW or one of his friends drop him off to visit with DD. All of a sudden, I notice a car that I don't recognize parked down the road a bit right in front of our next door neighbor's house. For a second there, I thought my neighbor must be having friends or family over to visit. Then, before I could barely even BLINK, all of a sudden WH comes walking REALLY fast around the other side of the house and jumps into that car and drives away really quickly!

I go back into the house immediately to be with DD, and I call him right away on his cell phone asking him what the heck that was all about. He told me that he was driving OW"s car that night and didn't want me to find out about it because he figured that it would pi** me off. Huh? Isn't that bizarre?? Why in the world do you think he really acted like that??

I'm crying right now. I'm just so upset about everything. If anyone is around right now and sees this message, please write back.

You are going to have to calm down, and start taking care of yourself. Start forcing yourself to exercise, and you will feel a little better.

Also I would see an attorney to protect your family finances, and get something in writing for support.

I am so hurt and angry by everything that he said. Below is the email that he sent me. Any input would be much appreciated. I've been asking him for YEARS to stop cheating, etc. and go back to being the good Christian man that I married. It upsets me so much that he wouldn't be that man for me, but now he's acting like he's ready to be that man but only for OW!! Also, I find it VERY ironic that he is acting like he think he's becoming this mature Christian man yet he's engaging in an adulterous affair!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I told him that I don't think him having an affair is very pleasing to God. He said "I know. That's why we have to get a divorce immediately". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> It's crazy how he seems to think that as soon as our divorce is final that his relationship with OW will be A-OK in God's eyes. Somehow, I don't think this is the case. Do you guys think I should stop all relationship talk and just go no contact with him as much as I possibly can?? (We do have to talk at least somewhat because we have a daughter together, and we also need to talk regarding finances). Is there any chance at all that I can save my marriage, or do you think it's time for me to just throw in the towel??


This is not chess. Accept that we are over and that this is for the best. Accept that you will never win me back and that we are both a million times better off this way.
Accept the truth.

Without being in a romantically involved relationship with you, I no longer have strife in my life. I can breathe again. Without you suffocating me I've read more bible, watched and listened to more christian programming and prayed more in the past four weeks than I have in the past five years!

This is better for both of us. Come to grips with this (sadgirl). I need to grow into a mature christian adult and you do as well. This comes with the price of our marriage. I made one too many decisions that affected us negatively during the past five years. You have made so many awful decisions over the years that we both get so pissed at one another.

Accept that we are done and that this is for the best. Do this without anger or resentment.
I no longer want to be with you. I haven't desired to be with you in a long, long time. It is just that I no longer feel obligated by the bible to stay with you. After adultery, in some cases, divorce is in order (sadgirl). The sooner you come to this, the sooner you can begin to heal.

I believe that I am doing the right thing (sadgirl). I believe in what I am doing with the sincerest of convictions. I finally grew man balls and I am doing what I think is right. That is what a man has to do.

I am 100% done with you as a significant other (sadgirl). I am here to support you as a parent and a human being.

Stop hating and blaming. You will only make yourself physically ill by doing so. Seek the Lord and his righteousness and all these things will be added unto you.
I am a man now! I am tired of living like a confused boy. I see what needs to be done. Our relationship is like a bad tooth. We allowed it to get to the point that we have to go to the emergency room and get the damn thing pulled out and dealt with.

Stop blaming me, I am sorry. I am human and made a series of small mistakes that turned big. You made many, many mistakes as well. Learn from the mistakes you made by reflecting on our relationship problems over the years. Use this to your advantage and go find yourself a good and godly man who will be a great step dad to (DD). I'll always be her father but you need a man in your life. Choose wisely and choose well.

Let go and let god. Stop the hatred and anger. Forgive me, divorce me and move on. You and I AND (DD) will be so much healthier if you can do this. I am working on forgiving you for all the resentments I hold against you. In fact, by faith I've forgiven you already and I will not relapse into this anger or resentment again.

Forgiveness of yourself and ultimately me is where the healing begins (sadgirl). Let's mend these wounds and move away from the strife that we both contributed to and lived in for so many years! (Where there is strife there is every evil work....... (read about strife and see how we were so enveloped in it). The longer I am away the more I see.

I think I have sorted out our entire marriage already. We were a train wreck waiting to happen due to extreme ignorance on both of our parts. The burns and damages are beyond what either of us are capable of recovering from with one another. But, apart from one another we can forgive, love again and heal.
Let the healing begin.

SadGirl -

This is just the typical thing that they all spout. Your husband has been overtaken by the aliens, and will probably remain that way for awhile.

You need to be in Plan A, and post here regularly. We can help you get strong to face this stuff. Lots of folks have been through the same thing you are going through. It will get better. I promise you.

Believer-Thanks for your input.
Two questions for you...

1) Any suggestions on how to plan A while he's living at his parents house? I don't see him much at all now, but we do have almost daily contact via phone and email...

2) If I Plan A and act all nice to him, won't he just lose respect for me and think "Wow, what a doormat being so nice to me while I'm having sex with another woman whenever I feel like it"!? I guess I don't understand why any man would WANT a woman back that acted like she had no respect for herself (i.e. being nice to him even when he's treating her extremely bad)...

Plan A will only be for a couple of months. You show him what a great wife you can be, and work on changing you. Just be cheerful, don't complain, or have angry outburst. Do Not Beg.

Plan A is the beginning step of the program here. After that is Plan B.

You don't accept bad treatment from him though. If he treats you bad, you sweetly let him know that you have to go.

Please keep reading here, and don't let his TYPICAL behavior get you down.

Also, he has asked me several times over the past few weeks for me to please file for divorce. When I ask him why HE doesn't file if he wants a divorce so bad, he gives me one of two reasons. One reason is that he says because of the way he was raised (father a retired minister), that he would feel extremely guilty filing for divorce and worries that his parents would be very angry and dissapointed in him. Secondly, he claims that he hasn't filed yet because he's worried that I might try to a** f*** him financially. Lovely, huh? So, if you were me, would you file for divorce? I've been avoiding it so far because I was really hoping we could work things out. However, everyone I know is encouraging me to file asap to protect myself financially. However, if I file for divorce, isn't that like telling him that I have zero interest in trying to work things out with him? Also, I can't STAND the thought of WH and the OW being ecstatic about me filing for divorce! And...I can't stand the thought of doing anything that would make things easier for OW to possibly some day become my precious DD's stepmother. The thought of that is almost more than I can bear. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

The WS usually doesn't file for divorce. That is textbook too. You shouldn't file either. However, you do need to protect yourself financially.

I don't want to have to file. However, unfortunately I think it's probably the only way that I can protect myself financially. Right now, he is still paying the vast majority of our bills, but I don't feel I can just "trust him" that he'll continue doing that. I had my father help me to draft up a marital separation agreement regarding finances and child custody/visitation rights. The idea was to ask him to sign these papers and then go to a notary public with me to get these documents notarized. That way, those papers would become official legal documents, and if he suddenly decided to stop his financial support, I would have legal recourse for that. At first he said, he would sign the papers and get them notarized with me. Now though, he says he refuses to sign anything unless it's divorce papers. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> So...it seems like unfortunately I have no other way to protect myself financially except to go ahead and file for divorce.

Also, for the past several months while he was having his latest affair (which I did NOT know about), he was VERY cold and distant towards me, called me names, etc. I have since heard that alot of people when cheating act that way towards their spouse. Why do you guys think that that is?? Just curious.

WS' don't think, they just do....they get their WS needs met by torturing their families and those who support their families. Ws' are against all that is sane and good. Their allegience to the mothership (the A).

So what is your plan on dealing with the WS? R U prepared with a plan?

L.

SD,
I am going to respond to your WS' comments as if I am the BS (you). There may also be some side comments from me. Read carefully.



Orchid: 1st of all, no A is ok in God's eyes. Tell him to go read his Bible....again. This time without his WS mindset.



Orchid: Yes. Stop talking with the WS. U ready to go to plan B? ID your boundaries and set plan B in motion. My plan B included discussions on 3 subjects: Mail, $$ and child visitation.



Orchid: You can't save a marriage to a WS. Don't throw in the towel. Work on you, get your mind and heart in sync, then go to plan B.



Orchid: Don't worry WS, I don't want you back as is. In fact most of us don't want you back as you are. Acceptance isn't the issue or the challenge here. Btw, I don't like chess. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />




Orchid: You are listening to Christian programming and praying? To which God? The one who sanctions A's? That God only likes adulterers, liars and cheaters. When did you change religions?



Orchid: Speak for yourself and stop telling me what is good for me. If this is how you grow, then you'd better go to the doctor so he can give you the diagnosis of the A that is killing your family. AS for making bad decisions, yes there have been some but you have made and are making the worst of all the bad decisions I have ever seen.

The next time you get pizzed....go look in the mirror.



Orchid: Don't worry, we don't want to be with you as you are anyways. The Bible has made a way out so we don't have to stay with an adulterer. So stop using the Bible as an excuse. Your are a hyprocrite. Is that what youre new religion is teaching you? What is your God's name??!?!?



Orchid: Your beliefs are skewed at best. Sincere convictions? If that's what it is, you are a dangerous man. As for your 'man balls' and your ability to do what is right....it seems you've lost both. Marbles maybe but a real man....no way.



Orchid: If you are going to give the support you should, then name the price you are willing to pay to abandon your family. Tell us in $$ terms what you have sold us for. Then give us that $$ so you can really show your love to the OW. You need to start with nothing with the OW. After all isn't she worth nothing?



Orchid: My Lord says 'bad association spoils useful habits'. So you have been extracted from our lives.... you are the abcess causing our family this great pain. I am sad and sorry you have kidnapped my real husband. All our family and friends are sorry you have become a shell of a man but too fogged to realize you are prancing around like the Emperor in his 'new clothes'. Ha..... butt naked.




Orchid: Blaming you? That's reality. As for you being human, you sure haven't been acting like a human. Every time you tell me I make mistakes, it just makes yours look 100x worse.

How funny, you said you are a man but that now we need a man in our lives? Do you realize you have been babbling a lot lately?




Orchid: Hypocrite.



Orchid: Go get the D and stop telling other people to do your dirty work for you.

NOTE: This is a classic sign he is showing he can't handle being a WS.



Orchid: That collar your new religion gave you must be on too tight. You keep addressing the wrong people. I don't need to forgive myself for YOU having an A. You own what you've done and that is it. Stop trying to put YOUR guilt on me. I am already making improvements in our family's lives and it does NOT include an adulterer.

Your pretense to be a good person is not fooling most of the people around you. You can continue to pretend you are 'saved' but in reality you are drowning in the A of despair.

It makes us sad to see you being soo foolish but if that's how you want to be, we will just let everyone know it's your choice. I am sure most realize it anywa.

....Ok....that's my version of response. See a lot of what was in your WS' (not H, ws) e-mail was what mine wrote and told me in his course of his A. Stupid babble. As you noticed he has double talked himself a few times. He has to continuly make the point that you make mistakes and you need to forgive yourself and him..... well his A doesn't give him the right to demand you forgive him.

Strengthen your stance. Remind him that his God is NOT your God. The God of the A is an unrighteous beast with no heart hates what is good. The God of the A's name starts with an S and ends in an N. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.


Orchid:

Orchid,
Thank you SO much for your VERY insightful reply! I feel so much better now about that last email that he sent me, now that I'm able to see his perspective from a totally different and objective point of view. I actually emailed him back pointing out the things that you said. So...it will be interesting to see what his reply will be. That is, if he even bothers replying. Knowing him, he probably will email back actually as he always liked to get the last word in. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Also, Orchid, you said...

Go get the D and stop telling other people to do your dirty work for you.

NOTE: This is a classic sign he is showing he can't handle being a WS.

When he you said this is a classic sign that he can't handle being a WS, what did you mean by that? Just curious...