This is a bit hard to explain, but I'll try...

It's been a while since the horrible experience of my exWH's A and his other bad behavior, and the divorce is long over. I went to counseling to help deal with the aftermath & learn what I could from it, I read as much MBuilders stuff as I could (did Plan A/B & counseled w/ Harleys) and absolutely learned from that, I leaned on friends & my church, took plenty of time to just be by myself after the D before dating again, etc, etc. So, I thought that I was really healed & over it, but am I?

There are things -- behaviors or words/phrases someone says -- that set off warning lights in my head and make me think the person is a cheater or a liar. Does anyone else have this problem with being triggered? Is it that we are never really the same after the trauma of an A and that makes it more difficult for us in future relationships? Or is it that we are wiser and recognize the "symptoms" of wayward/A behavior because of our prior experience with it?

For example ... if you are dating a guy for a while and he still guards his cell phone with his life, it reminds me of what my exWH did when his A started. Is it just a trigger or am I noticing a sign of deception? By the way, I have no intention of invading someone's privacy or of answering their phone unless they ask me to, but the behavior bothers me, as if there is some bad secret they are trying to protect or they are leading a double life.

thoughts?

I don't have a personal experience at the moment for myself, but.......I know someone that is doing some stuff that bothers me and causes me to have bad thoughts.

He's in my family. He locks out his computer so his wife can't see where he's been or what's on there. Meanwhile, he looks at everything she does, and his kids.
So, is this just controlling, or is there a second life going on.
My mind jumps to the second life, and I'm quite sure it's because of where I've been.
The only credit I will give him is, she is nibby and a know it all. A simple explanation to something, she can drag out and make complicated for 20 minutes. A case of TMI!

I think I would feel the same as you Nev.

K

I'm with you Karona -- I see potential signs in other relationships too and it triggers me. The computer thing is a great example.

I don't want to be the kind of person who always looks for signs of cheating/lying and overreacts to things, especially when there may be a good explanation. On the other hand, I don't want to be fooled again. :|

It would signal a definate WARNING sign to me..But, I also am recovering myself from WH and his many A's.

My cell is accessible to anyone that wants to look at it. When it rings, I answer. I have nothing to hide. Now IF I was dating 2 guys and was out with (1) of them and the other was ringing I'd ignore it, If I had text messages I didn't want someone to see, I'd hide it.

My WH never brought his cell in the house, at the time, I just figured he didn't have people calling him, or his missed calls were unimportant. Boy, was I stupid. No need to go into all the ways he decieved me, or that he's now blatant enough to bring his 2nd cell in the house - I call it the "****** phone" - you know like the old "bat phone" LOL..He keeps it under lock and key, but he doesn't hide that it exists.


In my case, CERTAINLY, WITHOUT A DOUBT...

IMHO WH is in a serious relationship right now, did he tell her of his A partner at our business, I doubt it. Or the many A's during our M. I doubt it. This woman should be told the truth. Does he leave his 2nd cell sitting around her house or available to her??? NO way, cause I can bet he still has OW calling that phone. His normal cell, yeah, I bet that's the only 1 she sees.
Do I think if I met someone and start a serious R, they will open their book and tell all - I doubt it.

I have become very untrusting and cautious because of WH and I no matter how much theraphy I'd get, I dont' think the "old me" will ever return. Now, if I was younger and not M as long, I probably would trust again.

It goes beyond cheating - it's deeper than that. Some wounds never heal.

HUGS

I too find that a well guarded cell phone is a big one. My X had an A absolutely guarded her cell phone worse than her own children. My phone, I would leave on counters, on the dresser, on the computer desk, and I couldn't care less if anyone looks at it. Her on the other hand, kept it on her hip at all times, if she took a bath, she would set it right there where she could see it, and threw a fit everytime I tried to look at it.

Another one, is hiding receipts or finances from your SO, especially from things she use a credit card for. Trust can get you far if your being deceptive.

neverthesame,

unfortunately, no, you are not crazy, because the signs of LACK of OPENNESS and HONESTY, that we learn and believe in here, may not exist with other people the way that we want or expect.

I would say, if the red flag looks the same as your X's red flag, don't ignore it, and most likely, address it head on.

mention what you think or feel about a certain behavior, and if they can't agree with you, then you need to reevaluate and decide if you can live that attitude. . .

I know that now I understand that OPENNESS and HONESTY cannot be ignored in a marriage, and my X would say otherwise. . .

wiftty