This is my first time posting, so forgive me for not knowing all of the acromyms.
My husband and I have been married for 7 1/2 years, with a 2 year old. I just found out that he's had an emotional affair with someone from work. They've been friends for a few years, but the last month it's been more. (He's not very good at hiding it) I'm so devistated. We separated for 4 days because that was a boundarie that was set in a previous occasion. Monday we stared counseling and I asked him to come home. I felt like we were both on the same page and totally commited to making this work. Last night the other woman texted him and when I asked him to tell her that they can't be friends, he had a really hard time with it. We got in a huge fight. He said he wanted to end it on his terms not mine. Today, I understand how horribly I handled that whole situation, but I am SO hurt! I am a woman and I let my emotions control me sometimes. He's been very honest with me this whole week, but sometimes what he tells me is so upseting, that I end up pushing him away. He said he needs to do some soul searching. That when things are great at home, he "knows" he wants to be with me, but if things are stressful or if I'm a basketcase over this, that "other life" seems really appealing. Sure, it's not reality. So, I think that from what I've read from the website, what I need to do is just relax, be supportive and work on myself. We're supposed to go on a date tonight, and I'm determined just to have fun, and not talk about our relationship. I feel like I need to "prove to him that he wants to be with me, but I don't know if that's bad or good. I wish he would just tell me if he wanted to stay, yes or no, not have any issues either way. He's saying he wants to be with me and our daughter, but he's so confused about these other feelings. I've also read that they go through a tough time when things are broken off, like a short depression. Is that true? Is that what we're going through? I feel like I sound so rediculous, and needy. If you knew me you'd know how extrememly independent I am. I just want my marriage to work, I love my husband dearly.

Please help. Any advice or encouraging words would be so helpful.

Read up on plan A, figure out what his top 5 ENs are and work on meeting them. Avoid LBs. Your WH will NEVER get over his EA as long as he works with OW. When he says he wants to end it on his terms, that means he doesn't want to end it at all. You need exposure to put pressure on him/her to leave the company, and establish NC with the OW. You need to expose to his family, friends, boss and HR, and OW's SO and parents. Is the OW married too? You need to delete her number from his cell phone, and get him to chance his cell phone number. Stand up for yourself and don' let him dictate how he is going to do it, you dictate to him. He is too caught up in the A to do it himself. He'll have withdrawal for a few weeks after NC, but that won't start until he gets another job. When you expose, tell the people you are exposing to that you love your H, and you are exposing to try and save your M from this unwanted intrusion.

Your question from Just Found Out Forum:

"Ok, I just posted it on the other forum as well. Thanks for your input. I have exposed the affair to his family, as well as mine and my closest friends. I'm not worried about protecting him, I learned that this past year. I do have his families support, which makes him feel like he has no one. Also, what do I do to kill the affair?"

Again, is the OW married? If she is this is the most necessary exposure. Even if her family knows he may still not. Regardless it may become necessary to expose at their workplace as well.

Affairs thrive in darkness and secrecy. It must be revealed. The WH and OM are like vampires and exposure is the morning sun. They can't live with it.

In the end for you to build a new marriage the A must die and NC (no contact) for life must happen between your WH and the OW. One of them must leave that company.

Review and start a solid Plan A today. I am sure others will be jumping in soon.

Hey HH80...sorry you are here but this is a wonderful place to be...there are some wonderful people here who can help you...Read about Plan A...figure out what is EN (emotional needs) are, read about LB (love busting) etc etc....DO NOT MOVE out, no matter what happens....if he was outs, let him leave....You need to take care of yourself..get some rest..make sure you post on the same thread here that you have already started..it makes it easier for us to help you....read read read on here...there is a wealth of info here...here are some of the acronyms...
WW-wayward wife
WH-wayward husband
WS-wayway spouse
EA-emotional affair
PA-physical affair
IMHO-in my honest opinion
DD-daughter
DS-son
NC-no contact
DD-discovery day
IC-individual counseling
MC-marriage counseling
M-marriage
OW-other woman
OM-other man
OP-other person

Thanks. Before I found this website, I was already following plan a and didn't know it. So, we're there. I just read something else that proved to me that blowing up on him last night with anger was not the right thing to do. That it really made me look so unappealing, and that's why when that happened he found himself so confused. I was only angry because of his reaction to actually having to let her know there could be no contact. Before that he was totally wiling and agreed that that needed to happen. I guess I should have expected that it would be difficult, but how am I supposed to know? All of this is so new to me and I'm just hurting like never before. I just want my faithful husband back! I don't know if I mentioned this previously, but he did tell her that there could be no contact. That they could not be friends, and that he loved his family. I've also contacted her and said the same thing, not sure how right or wrong it was. She is not married, just dating someone I believe, and I don't know how serious it is. I feel like most people (like her SO) might not find this as big a deal as I do. They've just said they were "friends", but my husband totally agrees that it was totally inappropriate, and wrong. I mean how do you prove an emotional attachment to someone else?

This is all just so hard.

Do you know the details of the EA? What was said, and how often they hung out by themselves. Get some info out there that would totally debunk the myth that they were "just friends."

They mostly talked on the phone and texted. They only hung out once outside of work and had coffee. I think the worst thing they told eachother was that they liked eachother, but that sounds so childish so I'm not sure what the exact words were. When I've asked him what was appealing about her, he said that they are a lot alike, and once he said they had a lot in common but changed it to being similar in personalities. When I asked him what changed the relationship from truly just being working friends, he said she pursued him and told him how much she liked him. This was at a time on our marriage when an "escape" was very appealing. He's admitted that now, that she was an escape to reality. Eventhough he says he wants to be with me, I just feel like he's so torn between being this married man with the wife, daughter, house and dog, or this single guy with so much less responsibility. I just can't believe this is happening....he should be the one begging for me...not the other way around! Why do I want this so bad if he's so unsure??
Like I said before, we're going on a previously planned date tonight. It's my goal to not get "too emotional" on him. I think he thinks I've taken too much out of him this week, because by the questions I've been asking, I've required him to be *very* emotionally connected. He's been very honest, and not defensive with me at all. I'm hoping to just be able to go out tonight, have great conversation, and have a good time. Remind him what life was like before all of this. I just have to get over the fear of giving my heart to him in this unsteady stage, and know that I can get through anything with God's help.

Once they started sharing personal information between eachother that should have been shared only with their spouse, and once they started to keep their time and talk secret they were fully involved in a EA.

What is the working relationship between them? Is one a supervisor of the other? Same department? In the end it does not matter. They have to reach a point of total NC for life. They will never be "just friends".

I totally agree with the personal information and keeping it a secret. I just don't want anyone else to discount that. He is a police officer and she a dispatcher. They do all things via computer and he's rarely at the pd, and when he is they are on two completely sides of the builing and officers are not allowed in dispatch. There is no reason for them to have contact, or work togerher at this point.
I feel that this is a deap seeded problem, and running from it (changing jobs) won't fix it. I feel like it's just that, running, and he'll find someone else at the next place. He needs to just cut off contact (like he's currently doing), and once we're all worked out, and running more smoothly, he should be able to realize going back to that would really this time, end in divorce. AND, being a grown man, I feel like if that's the route he chooses, as hard as it may be I'll just have to deal with it and move on.

Hurting - I have a date with my WW tonight too. My plan is the same as yours. No talk about the relationship, just a nice time. Remember, all emotional outbursts are Lovebusters and must be avoided.

I think you are doing some pretty good things naturally. Read Plan A and look for areas where you can improve, understand your WH emotional needs and keep working.

This place is open 24/7.

My FWH had a short lived EA with an old high school girlfriend. It never got to the stage of him telling her he liked her. He gave her compliments that were inappropriate. he told me after i discovered it that it was "just fun", just something for him. He never planned on it going farther than a private little game of fun. He did sneak out and meet her when she came to town. That is when he finally realized it was wrong and he brought her home pretending he had just run into her.

It took him a week to realize he was way out of line and he wrote the no contact letter.

After more weeks, he saw what he had done to our relationship and became embarrassed and very remorseful.

Maybe your H will see how devestating his behavior was to your relationship after a little time passes and the fog lifts.

You are right to think that this could happen again with someone else if you don't figure some things out in your relationship.

My FWH and I have gone through those steps and we found out what we both need to do to prevent it from happening again. I truly doubt that it would have happened again with my FWH anyway, but after figuring some things out, I am more certain that an EA or any other sort of emotional betrayal will not occur.

Read my thread if you are interested in reading about how one couple went through all this.

Your husband seems to be being very honest with you in the things he is saying to you. That is a very good thing. I know it is hard for you but it is good that he has a comfort level with you to talk with you in this way. Hopefully, he will realize that that pretend world that looks so enticing is truly pretend. Real relationships take work. Real relationships are not about "going out for coffee or text messaging."

This horrible EA thing could be the start of a stronger marriage and relationship for you two if you are able to use the principals found on this web site.

Let us know how things are going with you.
Lake

Hurting Heart,
How are you doing? I just thought I'd check in with you to see how things are going.
Lake