Hello everybody,

I want to give an update on my situation. FWW and I are moving into our new home this weekend. While it is a risk to be making a major purchase like this 2 months after DDay, it feels very good, and we both seem to be motivated out of optimism for the future rather than denial of the past and present. DW and I are making a lot of progress, and I credit the MB site and community for potentially saving our marriage. Combined with New Years, the new house gives us a good pyschological clean start. We have agreed that there were problems on both sides of the marriage and that we should learn from it, but leave it in the past. We are working together as a team not just on our relationship, but on our own self-improvement as well. We are writing quick daily goal lists with each other each morning and reviewing them each night. The goals range from things to accomplish at work that day to long term behavioral changes we are trying to make (conflict avoidance for me, angry outbursts for her).

The A still pains me. I'm still on AD's. There are times when I want to rage and times when I want to curl up into a ball. I'm pretty sure if I accidentally bump into OM (I don't work far from him) I am going to attack him, so I hope for everybody's sake I don't. But for the most part, things are better in the M than they have been in a long time. We talk more, spend more time together, have more and better SF, and we are actually making efforts to make ourselves better people. Our wedding rings are back on, and DW said "I love you" yesterday for the first time since at least DDay and probably as far back as a year. Considering how things were just 2 months ago, I couldn't be happier with our progress.

Well, actually, there is one way I could be happier. I could trust my DW completely, and of course I still don't. She has restored some trust by finally being open with me on many of the details of the A. However, I still don't think she's being honest about C with OM. As an example, she ran into OM on the street on Wednesday and didn't tell me about it, except when I happened to be asking her about contact on the next night she admitted it (she says that they just asked how the other was doing and asked about work, and then a 3rd person showed up and they parted ways). I told her that the only way I can ever learn to trust her again is if she volunteers that kind of information to me. Ideally, we'd figure out how to avoid even casual contact in the first place, and I'm going to talk to her about that tonight.

What's worse is I found an email to her (gay) former work friend (current coworker of OM). She apologized to him for being such an unhappy person at work and being difficult to work with all those years (her anger issues extend to work as well). She said in the email that she also apologized to OM! Well, the email was Monday and the accidental contact was Wednesday, so any apology she is referring to must be additional contact that she is not telling me about.

What do you think? I know I need to stamp out all contact, and I will absolutely hold firm on that. But how concerned should I be? After all, even though I had to ask, she did tell me that she ran into him outside of work. I don't have much spying capability left except her work email, which as far as I can tell she doesn't know I have access to. I could try planting a voice recorder, but given where we are in a recovery that seems to be going otherwise very well, that seems excessive.

Basically, as we transition into recovery, how paranoid should I be? Can I safely assume that as my wife's feelings of love for me return (I definitely see this happening) that there will be less to worry about (and spy on) regarding the OM?

Thanks,

NS

Has she written him a no contact letter? That is essential. She should NOT be telling him (through a co-worker) that she is sorry.

She should NOT be accidentally meeting him on the street and asking or telling him about work.

This is a courtesy to you, and also to prevent any flare ups.

You should be VERY concerned. Your wife is still wayward since she has chosen to remain in contact with him. I believe you are making a terrible mistake by trying to buffer these wounds and assaults with a new house. You would not be excessive to check up on her... and frankly, if there is any further contact, you should Plan B her immediately.

She did write an NC email back on 11/26, but I know there was email contact on 12/1 as she started her new job. One of her new co-workers is the former coworker of them both (and both places of work are 1 block from each other) She emailed OM asking how she should explain to the new coworker, who goes to lunch with OM all the time, why she can never join for lunch, and asked if the coworker knew of their A.

The NC letter was less than ideal. I had contacted the OM and told him to never contact my wife again for life. He agreed. My WW kept calling him and he wouldn't answer the calls. So on 11/25 she drove to his place, and he explained that I requested that he not contact her for life and he agreed with that approach so everyone could move forward. Basically, OM dumped my WW. The dumping actually happened shortly before DDay, which I'm pretty sure is why my WW admitted the A when I started asking questions on DDay, so that she could get a divorce and get OM back. The 11/25 dumping just confirmed the first dumping. She didn't expect me to fight for the marriage, and for the OM to not come chasing after her. So the NC letter came across to me as a weak effort at saving face, rather than a true commitment to the marriage. She was feeling rejected so she wrote an "I don't want to contact you either" type of email.

That was then though. She is showing definite signs of commitment to the marriage now. She is participating in MC. She is working on controlling her own LB's and trying to be a better wife, mother, and person. She is doing a much better job at meeting my needs and allowing me to meet hers. The change in her is very obvious, she is definitely coming back, which is why I think I'm nowhere near ready for a Plan B. She said she didn't have her glasses on and didn't notice him when she bumped into him outside of work. I am going to make it clear to her tonight that 1) she needs to take precautions to avoid him, if for no other reason than as a courtesy to me and 2) if accidental contact does happen, she should not engage in conversation and she should tell me about it right away. Now the trick is what to do if she agrees to this but then doesn't follow through. I don't think it's as simple as saying "Plan B". I never understood how you're supposed to Plan B someone AND not leave your house if your WS doesn't want to leave either? Do you Plan B under the same roof? I think further intentional contact would definitely warrant Plan B, but accidental contact that she hides from me is not as clear cut.

NS

I don't think you are going to have to do Plan B. But I would explain to her that each contact is like a knife in your heart, and that you would appreciate it if she avoids talking to him.

If that is too difficult, maybe she can look for another job.

I told you that you had to be a tom fool to buy that new house when you weren't recovered yet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />