My STBX cheated on me a while back, and has refused to try for any kind of recovery what so ever. So I filed for divorce then moved out after learning she was on to other men, after the A...

We agreed to try to do a divorce where we do it ourselves. I found the web site for the judicial district I live in, downloaded all the forms, and started the do it yourselves route for our divorce. We sat down and divided up everything, including our bills, debt, furniture, money left over, and even sorted out custody, filed the paperwork, and now we just wait for our final hearing, which is in a month and a half.

Anyone else go through something like this? Even though we have divided up everything, and seem almost done with this whole thing, I am concerned about her. She seems to be in major debt, she goes out and parties a lot, buys things on credit, and runs up her own bills. Me on the other hand, if I don't have cash in hand, I don't buy it, and spend a lot of time at home watching TV or a DVD or two. I seem to be staying afloat because I just don't spend money I don't have. I almost hope she falls flat on her face, which is what she looks like the is doing. Do I keep it friendly until this is over, then venture over to the dark side, and behave like I want to? I keep it friendly so that I will get my kids most of the time, and not have to visit them every other weekend or so.

I have been very angry at her, but fake the friendly nature I think she wants until this is over. I really want to let her know what I think of people like her, but just don't, maybe because my parents raised me better.

I think what you are talking about is an amicable divorce (no fighting over everything). I just can't imagine being friends with someone who has broken their covenant with me.

Don't bail your XW out of her choices. That's not being mean-it's just real life.

She is a big girl. Let her face the consequences of her debt. That will be much more effective that "let me tell you what I really think of you..."

Your parents should be very proud of how they raised you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there-

Kuky,

Your parents did raise you right. I went through a situation similar to yours.

It wasn't a a do-it-yourself divorce, but rather just non-contested. I hired the attorney, he drafted the paperwork to spell out the business terms and custody arangements. Wife signed and we ran to the courthouse.

Please head my advice: Be better than her. Find another outlet for your wrath. Do not give your STBX the tongue-lashing she deserves. ******, she'll just retreat further into her own little world.

I, too, experience anger. I am so dissappointed and upset by my ww's actions that precipitated this D. However, I know that if I open the vault on the tongue-lashing I so want to give her, then it will lead to an unfettered avalanche of expletives. Only once after she moved out did I tell her simply that she is horrible and selfish. (While not harsh, she hung up).

I was advised by a friend to keep communication with the ex business-like. Not friendly. Not bitter. Business like. All our communication has to do with the children: schedules, doctors appointments, schools, etc. There is no small talk about her personal life, my personal life or the weather.

Good luck. Be strong.

HL

I found it within myself to completely let go of the hate this week. I told my wife that I honestly love her and I truly wish nothing but the best for her and then strange things started happening. We agreed on a peaceful divorce and we filed a dissolution. We split everything 50/50 and there were no disputes. Since then my life has been a whirlwind of great events. My head is still spinning from all the unexpected money falling into my lap, interested woman coming from everywhere, dreams I had starting to come true. It's amazing when you replace all the hate with love. My wife is being transformed into a wonderful new person before my very eyes. It is still hard to let go of her but I now know this all happened for a reason. If you have always dreamed of true happiness I strongly urge you to take this path if possible.

Well, the process I have found is just a tough one to go through. The hard thing is that once I moved out, after filing for the D, I would get phone calls at odd times of the night, asking very disturbing or upsetting questions... "where is the shaving cream I use to shave my..." things like that. I really want to tell her off, but you know, I fear that doing so would put my kids in the middle. I think that in a D, kids are the pawns between the two parents way too much, maybe when they don't even realize it.

She is going under financially, very quickly in fact. In a way I am glad, but at the same time it concerns me because of the time she has the kids, what if she cannot afford to clean their clothes or feed them more than mac n cheese? 5 and 2, nothing would please them more than Mac n cheese for dinner, but right now, she can't even afford diapers. I am not going to help her, this is her, ahem, bed and she needs to sleep in it.

She has said that after this is over, she wants to be friends... yeah, right after she undoes all the sex she had with the other guy... can't do that... yeah I feel the same way. I know this won't end well. I just wonder, until this is over, is it wise just to keep playing her game and try to keep the relationship appearing friendly until the D is final? She has given me the lion share of custody, in a state and county where fathers getting a fair shake of custody is extremely rare. She could probably be shooting up right there in the courtroom and could still win custody, and really all she has to do is change her mind.

Is continuing to play her game and act friendly seem like the wise course of action? After it is over, I do plan on just keeping things business like between us, as I do not want to know about her newest STD, or new BF.

You don't seem to be getting what egoman and hardlesson are telling you kuky. You should not PLAY any game to act friendly. You need to BE friendly. Let the anger go. It will only poison you and your children. X will self-destruct on her own. That is vengence enough at her own hand. I urge you to redirect any anger and frustration toward support and nurture of two young lives that now seem totally dependent upon the lessons you can teach (demonstrate) them.

You have been honorable. You supported and contributed to your family. You deserve the momentary satisfaction that would come from a good tongue lashing session. Just don't ever take it.

DITTO - what's been said...Now, if you really feel the need to lash out and give her heck for what's she's been up to..and let her know where her lifestyle is heading here..here's what to do...

Walkover to the nearest wall and say it all..don't hold back, holler if you have to... rant and rave..even if you have to do this a couple of times to "get thru"...do it..because telling the wall is the same telling her..neither one is listening..but, YOU WILL FEEL BETTER..I promise....and your life now ...is ALL ABOUT YOU....

HUGS and HEALING VIBES..

PS - Friendly is always better..

Kuky,

Business-like.

Professional.

Don't take her bait.

Keep your eye on the prize -- children's wellbeing.

Vent elsewhere.

You will have to deal with her FOREVER in relation to the kids.

You will have to hold your tongue.

You don't have to be a wuss.

You do have to be better than her.

This will be a real test to manage your anger. You will get angry (I'm more than 6 months post D-day and I still get angry).

It's not easy.

You can do it.

You must.

Your kids deserve at least ONE adult parent.

That's you.

HL

I'm curious, why did you move out leaving your kids behind?

If she was the one wanting to end the marriage, why didn't you give her the choice to leave or work on the marriage? If she wanted to continue on in her affairs she could have very well left on her own...without YOUR having to do so, and you would know your kids are being cared for.

It just boggles my mind when people do this...then to listen to them complain about their own decision to leave the marriage home and worry about their kids being cared for.

So what that she couldn't afford to make it on her own, it was her choice to end the marriage, she should be the one suffering the consequences...of that choice, not you being seperated from your kids.

Have you considered asking her, in that she is struggling financially, would she consider giving you custody of the kids so that SHE will have more money to go out and do the things she wants to do...and not have to spend her money on buying the kids diapers and food or even paying for a babysitter so that she can go out??

Make it about HER...and how it would benefit her financially to make that choice...you can even let her know she chould probably find a place much less expensive to live, while you could stay in the home with the kids.

If you play to her desire to be 'free' and 'single' and how kids will put a hamper on her desire to be that...because she'll have to make sure they are provided for...it might work to your benefit.

I bet if you decided to start going out, and at least acting as if your having fun 'being single' with no responsibilities she may look at that and decide she's not getting what she ultimately wants..to be single and come and go as she pleases if SHE has to care for the kids while YOU get to go out..Ultimately, you would be doing what SHE wants to do...and with kids she can't do those things as easy.

If you start going out more, and she complains that she can't 'afford' to do that, you could say something like..
"I'm sorry your struggling, maybe you would consider my taking custody of the kids so you would have more time and money to do those things? Sure it would be a strain on ME and my comings and goings, but maybe just something for you to consider.?"

Maybe something else to consider, if where your living at now, is less expensive than where she is, you could suggest she move in there, while you move back into the house with the kids, again...because it would free up more of her time and money to do the things she wants to do, and she wouldn't have to worry about the kids walking in on her if she brings another man home for the night...

Make it about HER and how you only want her to be happy and how it could be to her benefit to make that choice...and See how she respondes

After one calendar year - I left January 8 and filed January 20th of 2006, my ex is still bitter, mean spirited and difficult. She refuses to take responsibility for her actions. My "high road" is still being taken. Last week, last wednesday to be exact, while driving my 3 yr daughter to her ballett practice, my ex called me on the phone and screamed at me and said the most horrible vile things to me because i was facing the possibility of not paying some attorney fees she is "owed" on time. My daughter will realize who the "adult" is. She will realize that no negative words about her mom ever leave my lips.

It sucks to be the better person ALL the time. You feel run over. You feel used. You feel laughed at. You feel lied about. You feel small. Then you look into your child's eyes and see clearly.

I can't tell you how many people, unsolicited, have expressed their positive observations of my positive attitude, my ability to "move on", my kid first mentality, and my higher road philosophy. It happened again today with two people I don't even know that well. Even my boss complimented me on this yesterday.

Never lose site of your children because she wants to sling mud or be reprehensible.

I do get what EM and HL are telling me, and believe me I get it. The business like aspect of dealing with her is a good idea, and is what I plan on doing. I really don't care what she does, or where she goes, and I have no intention of bailing her out of any financial situation. What pains me, is how when she has the kids, she cannot afford anything more for them than the 25 cent box of mac n cheese, and she cannot afford diapers for my 2 year old. My kids deserve more than that. I will be more comfortable standing up more after my D is final. Here, first hearing to the final hearing is under 3 months. Until then, the whole aspect to this do it yourself D is that both parties have to agree on everything, and it just feels like I have to walk the tightrope until it is over, signed, and we are out the door.

TR, I did not move out and leave my kids behind. I filed for D the week before I moved out, the same day I filed, I also filed the custody paperwork, and the child support paperwork, then took the kids with me. Yes, she gave them up that easily. I have the kids more than she does, I have the 2 BR apartment, she has just a one. I moved out after I realized when I tried to start a plan A that is wouldn't work for me. I talked to some friends of mine, I wasn't going to be able to trust her, I would always have that little voice in my head saying "what if" everytime she would be a bit late. That was why I left. Our house isn't worth much, we owed just as much as it was worth, moving out was very easy. My family lives all around me, hers lives hundreds of miles away, oh, and we make almost the same salary a year, I just manage my money better than her it seems.

I want to function with her, but am afraid it won't be possible. My kids lately have expressed how much they hate going over there to see her, she parks them in front of the TV, ignores them a lot. I just try to get them excited to see her, try to talk to them, but my 5 year old is smart enough to know who wants him around or not. I just father him as best I can, and hope it is enough. I try to take the high road, be the better person, but it does feel like she is walking all over me. I do it because my kids watch me very closely, even mimic my every move. I love them, and they deserve so much more than I can ever give them.

Kuky, if you don't mind me asking - how long ago did all this happen? The affair, you guys splitting up.

It all just sounds pretty raw still. I understand if you don't want to go there, but I'm always interested in other people's stories.

Alph.

It probably is pretty raw still. The A happened in October '06, at least that is when she told me about it. She told me about the night in question after I confronted her about some things I found. I filed for D first part of November and moved out the following week. Once I found out, I had drawn up a plan A and was going to try it, but once I found out that the A was still going on, thanks to a recorder I left in her car, heard the things she was telling everyone else, decided I just couldn't handle it. I'm just not one of those who can forgive and or forget the ultimate sin against a marriage. The thought of the woman I once loved sneaking around my back, doing what she was doing, was too much was something no counselor could help me get past.

I understand. I'm sorry it has been so tough for you - you really are still in the first stages of your pain and feelings of betrayal. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

If it's any comfort, your wife will come to regret what she has done for the rest of her life, whilst you can move forward with grace and dignity and no regrets.

She's not remorseful now, because she is still in contact with the OM - still in the fog. But when the A is well and truly over (and they almost always do end) she will crash to earth with the realisation of what she has done. If things are looking hokey for her now, they will 100 times worse then.

Maybe with real remorse, you may feel differently towards her - but of course, that will be your decision when the time comes.

I wish you and your children peace.

Alph.

I agree with Alphin and a number of others here.

You're definately still in the first stages of all this. You're going to go through such a rollercoaster of emotions from possibly wanting her back to never wanting anything to do with her.

Give yourself time. Let yourself grieve all that you've lost. But be open to the possibility that she's going to be truly remorseful one day and that might change things for you.

I read something that really helped me put things in perspective with my WH (we've been separated for 12 months now and he still won't give up his A. I'm not at the point of deciding if I've given him enough time to 'wake up'). It's in a book called 'When your marriage dies. Answers to questions about separation and divorce' by Laura Petherbridge.

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Question: Is it possible to remain friends after filing for divorce?

Answer: To ease the transition and guilt, many times one spouse will suggest remaining friends, but this is unrealistic. A friend is someone you can trust and confide in, share personal and confidential information with, call on in a crisis, and enjoy spending time with.

When spouses are going through a divorce, they are no longer allies. Often one person can't and shouldn't be trusted. The offer to remain friends typically comes from the person wanting out of the relationship. It could be your wife's means of trying to soften the blow of rejection.

You must guard your heart and see things as they really are, not as you'd like them to be. If not, your heart will feel like a yo-yo, bouncing up and down, never fully moving through the stages of loss.

This doesn't imply a right to become bitter, spiteful, or obnoxious toward your wife. It doesn't mean you shouldn't keep yourself open to marital reconciliation. If you have children, your goal should be to have a relationship where you both desire to communicate and work toward what's best for the kids.

But those things aren't friendship. Friendship assumes a tender, trusting relationship you and your wife no longer have. You need to move emotionally toward a place where your heart isn't vulnerable to your spouse's poor choices, and yet remain in prayer for the marriage to be restored. It isn't easy, and it takes time and the support of people who fully understand this complex situation.

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I hope that helps. Good luck to you.

I have read a lot here, and the whole process of grieving seems a mystery to me. At least as it pertains to me.

I do not want to reconcile. I have read on this board, stories about how so many people have been able to forgive and reconcile past things like this, and I honestly don't see how people can do it without vomiting all over themselves. Suppose one day, she does get remorseful and want to work it out... too bad I say, I hope it haunts her the rest of her life. Even if I remain single until the day I die, I would only see going back to her as a defeat to my own character, which that and pride are the 2 things no one can take away from me unless I let them. Let her go cheat on someone else, I'm done with her.

Ever since this whole thing started, I have tried, honestly gave it the effort to remain friendly towards her, for the kids sake. I have only talked to her about things pertaining to the kids, their welfare, or bills we still pay jointly. All I get back from her, in return for my friendly efforts, is hostile attacks, accusations. Our electric bill for our house, which is empty now, came and was astronomically high. I told her I needed to see the bill before I shell out money I really didn't have... I got attacked for it. I am willing to pay the bill, I just want to see it, and for that she got mad. Things like that make me wonder just how long this will go, after the D is over, this just won't end, will it. The hostility will just keep on until it really turns ugly.

I hope she does self destruct as many have said. I spend all my time and effort trying to be the best parent for my kids I can be. I always look out for them, make sure nights they are with their mother, that she isn't having someone else watch them so she can go out, or things like that. I am always there for them. I want them to feel loved and wanted, as children should feel. Her, well, she seems to like the party life. I hope in a years time, she is eating out of trash cans, and using newspapers for a blanket.

your children are the most important thing here and they will remember who the better parent (for lack of a better term) was.

i feel the same as you, i would NEVER take my ex back in a million years. and they prob will stay miserable and nasty forever. they made their choices and they are not happy. mine will sit there and say he has never been happier and yet he acts like the same miserable ****** i was married to. life goes on. we have to deal with them because we share children, but that is all we have to do with them. i could care less about his life or anything in it. i would like to deal with him in a civil manner and i usually do. some days he is ok, others he is a complete miserable [censored]. i don't care either way. i hang up on him if he starts, i am nice back when he is not. i have the power to end a conversation that is going down hill and i do. i do NOT tolerate his behavior. period. he wants to act like an [censored], go do it with ow because i don't have time in my precious day for it anymore. when you are ready to talk like a human, then give me a call otherwise, DO NOT WASTE MY TIME. that seems to work.

it used to bother me that he was so miserable but not anymore. he can't stand that i am happy and that my life moves on. too bad for him. he didn't want me anyway. these are people who are just so disgustingly unhappy they don't even know what to do with themselves. i say, just don't bother me with it because i don't care.

you have the right attitude in my opinion. just don't let your feelings for her rub off on your kids. keep taking the high road even when it sucks. it will pay off for you. it won't change her or how she acts, but it will matter to your kids.

mlhb

Kuky,

I've been reading posts on this site since I found out about my ex-wifes affair a little over a year ago, but I've never posted.

I feel exactly the same as you with regards to never taking back my ex-wife. I just don't see how I could bring myself to stay married to someone who disrespected and hurt me so badly.

Before we separated I felt like a schmuck for staying with her. I felt like myself again immediately after I decided that I wanted a divorce.

I didn't want a divorce, but I sure as ****** didn't want to be married to someone who would intentionally inflict that kind of pain on me.

Kuky,

I am in the exact same situation. My H asked me for a D back in Jan. I was devastated. He pushed and pushed and pushed for it. I tried so hard to try and get him to agree to counseling and help. He totally and utterly refused. 2-3 wks ago I discovered a bunch of stuff that shows he's having an A. (No wonder why the pressure to get a D and for me to recognize we are no longer M. Is this guy nuts or what?) I confronted him about it and told him even so he cheated on me I still loved him. Then I started to think about it: how can a man flat out lie to his wife and his children? I have always based my marriage and my life on total and complete honesty. This man after almost 30 yrs let me down. I filed for D within 3 days.

I'm done with him.

I feel now that I can never trust him again. When he says something to me I know there is a good chance he is lying. I have told our DD's what he did. They need to know what kind of a creep this guy really is.

I sure hope he's happy with the OW. She can have him.