This may end up longer than I would hope, but here is my situation.

My husband and I are both 27, we have almost been married for 8 years, together for 9 years. We have 3 great kids, 7, 4 & 1. On 10/29/06 my husband started an emotional affair with someone that he was going through a class with through the military. I confronted him over the phone at the beginning on Nov. He said that they were just friends... you know the deal... Over the course of the month I was having a really hard time. Lost about 15lbs that wasn't there to lose. I went down for his graduation in early Dec and we were having an honest talk with each other and some things came out. She at one point said to my husband "so are you going to f*** me or what?" I told him that friends don't ask those types of questions. The discussion went pretty good and we went to bed that night. The next day I felt stupid and on the brink of a panic attack, when he came home from work I sat him down and explained to him that 6 years ago I had what I would classify as a one night stand with an ex-boyfriend and it ended after the mistake was made and it made me realize a lot of things about our relationship and that I would rather work things out inside the marriage then looking outside. Over the course of the years I always wanted to tell him, I just didn't know how to tell him. This seemed like the best time since we were both laying things out on the table to start fresh and to have that happen then this information needed to come out.

Well of course after that information was out, he connected with this other person even more. Told her everything that was going on between us and I feel she used it to her advantage. This lady is not a winner by any means, I honestly do not see what my husband sees in her. When he came back home for Christmas to see the kids we still had a physical relationship, it was just during the day that he didn't want anything to do with me. The phone calls, text messages and voice mails between the two of them were out of control. They were to the point they were telling each other that they loved each other. There were plans to meet on his road trip back down to training, which my husband says never happened and I do not believe him since I have seen the emails stating such.

Anyway to the current part of the situation. I talked to him on 01/03/07 and he told me that he didn't want anything to do with me. That he would like us to move down there so that he could see his kids, but there would be nothing between the two of us ever. He said he didn't want to talk to me for a week and if I needed to reach him for anything concerning the finances then I could email him, but not to call or text message during the week. Whatever... He also said that emotional things that were expressed between the two of us before he left was all a lie and that I needed to get over it and move on with my life.

So during the course of the week I kind of had an awakening period where I realized that I don't need him. He could finacially support us with what the courts order and then we (me and the kids) wouldn't have to deal with the bs that he is involved in. Honestly the kids have been more relaxed and more kid like sice he left 4 months ago. I don't know who this person is that he has turned into, but if the old him came back then I would consider it.

Okay so I talked to him on the phone yesterday and he mentioned that he had done a lot of thinking and that he apologized for what he said the lat time we talked and that he didn't mean any of it, he was just in a bad spot at the time. He said that he wants us to move down there to give our marriage another shot. I know that he means it because he wouldn't even put it out there if it wasn't what he really wanted. He said that he would stay where he was living for now, but over time he would like it to be a half/half living situation with him eventually moving back in when we were better. He said that he missed me and thought about me a lot and that he wasn't ready to give us up yet.

So I guess my question is. I only dropped "the bomb" last month and is this turn around really fast? I know that we are not better and that a lot of work that needs to happen from this point forward because I do not feel like he is being completely honest about his situation yet. I was reading some different books before he told me that it was over and know they will probably come in handy as we start on the road to getting through this.

I know this board is more geared towards the cheated on then the cheater, but I was hoping that maybe there would be some insight on where to go from here. I have already dealt with my portion of what I did, it has been a long time and I know that it is fresh for him now. We are both still trying to deal with what he has done as well. As far as I can tell he is not talking to this other person anymore. He said that he told her last week that she needed to leave him alone and I am not sure if that is happening because in all honesty she could be down there doing her training and that is why there is not phone calls between the two of them. But that is part of the trust issues that the two of us will need to deal with.

Any suggestions on how to go forward from here. It seems like we have an honest attempt on our marriage from both sides. We both agree that the marriage cannot be worked on over the phone and that if we wanted a chance then we would need to move down there.

Right now the whole thing is really odd, because I was ready to move on without him and then he comes back with a piece of who he was before and now I have the decision to make for the rest of our family. I know what I would like to do, but would not like to be hurt again or go back through the depression if it doesn't work out. Basically do you give everything again for a chance?

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Was the original plan that you move down there with your husband?

Welcome, CH...

This board is about infidelity...all sides and ways and effects. You qualify on all counts.

First, please consider that you did not deal with your ONS...you may believe you did. Without being radically honest with your BH back then, you lived a lie for the last six years. It hurt your marriage, yourself, your H and your family. Now you've really dealt with it through honesty.

Big congrats. Great bravery.

Next...exposure of his affair...you didn't live in truth becuase you didn't expose his affair to the military, or the class...what would be different with you there, where OW is?

You are basing your choices on his mood...not a healthy way to live with yourself...when he rejects you, you reject him (we're fine, even better off without him)...when he misses you, you miss him...want to not reject, consider working on.

How about you base your choices on your own code, instead? If you believe marriages recover from infidelity...then choose to stay in the marriage with all of you...so you know you did everything within your power to save the marriage, regardless of the outcome.

If you believe you cannot recover from his infidelity, nor you from yours, and you want to replace him with a future person who won't do this to you (which essentially means they won't be human), then choose to divorce. Will you feel true and authentic to your code if you do?

All marriages have human partners...we are complex creatures. Equally capable of great harm and great good. What you believe about humans will determine what you choose to do...I don't see anything in your post about exposure, no contact, Plan A, ownership or counseling. Please consider all of these...and know you are not alone...you bear no blame for his choice to have an A nor does he bear blame for your choice to have one.

From my experience...you can get to a thriving marriage from where you are right now. You have been mightily betrayed...I would like to see you not add to it by betraying yourself from false beliefs.

LA

I wrote out a long response that then it would go through and hit the back button and it was gone, I will have to retype it again, but not tonight.

For now I just wanted to say thanks for the responses you have given me more things to think about with your response. Thanks!!!

Ooops, forgot to warn you about that. I always copy if I'm doing a long post.

Sorry a lot has been going on around here...

believer ~ Yes the plan the whole time was that we were going to move down there at the beginning of January because he has another year of schooling and the military moves you if you are going to be in one spot for that long. And the fact that we are still here is bringing up questions by everyone around and I am just not ready to talk to "everyone" about my situation. The people that I need to know, know that those that don't I would rather them just be supportive right now.

LovingAnyway ~ This last year for us has been a fog. We decided to try to have our third child 04/05 (I say decided to try because the first 2 were unplanned surprises). The pregnancy was a nightmare from the beginning, early on we found out there was twins, but only after we had already lost one of them and that loss was threatening the remaining twin. So I was put on strict pelvic rest and that just shot everything physically between us so that we could have the chance at saving our baby, which we both agreed and understood. Anyway we ended up delivering early at 31weeks and during the last couple weeks we were being told that our son could be stillborn, that I could die if the pregnancy continued. Anyway that led to emergency c-section our son was basically dead at delivery and had to be revived which thankfully he was. The c-section led to more complications due to any future children if we ever get back to that point. Our son was in the NICU for 6 weeks and came home 6 days before christmas in 2005. A couple months later we found out that my grandfather has had a large brain tumor for a while and they were going to operate on it, well he never really recovered from that. During the recover my husband decided that the corporate world was not for him and started talk to a recuiter about going back in, but didn't inform me of this decision until most of the planning and questions were asked and then it was brought to me like look at this great plan for our family. Then the same grandfather found out he was in end-stage colon cancer and because of his declining health from the brain tumor the drs were not going to operate and he was left to time. Well at the end of August 2006 I dropped my husband off at the airport to leave for training and 3 hours later my dad called to inform me that my grandfather had passed and he was going over there to help his mom out. So within hours my best friend lost which was hard enough, but then having to take care of 3 little ones while I was trying to grieve and had no one that I could talk to about everything. And then this on top of all of that we have had one crappy year and neither one of us can remember anything from 2005-2006 that was about us.

Although now he is doing a job that he truly loves and is starting to find that piece of him that you lose when you are in a marriage and not aware that it was gone. I am still in the same position, but working on fixing that.

I do not consider coming clean as brave, it was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do, but knew that it needed to come out. I know I lived a lie by not telling him the truth, but that doesn't mean that the things that have happened in those 6 years were not honest in feeling and he doesn't seem to understand that.

The military isn't concerned with what is going on with him. It is not a physical affair and I can't prove anything other than them talking a lot and they just don't care. The talking was crazy and comments were made by her during the class and she tried to make moves on him, but none of these things were found out until after the class was completed. Had I known at the time I would have exposed them and she would have gotten another chance in a couple months and my husband would have been released of duty (sound fair?). I think that is why everything was kept so quiet from me for so long, because now that they are graduated and are both officers then the past actions cannot be punished or proved.

She is not in that state, at least that is what he told me that other night, she is however going to be down there for a visit with one of their mutual friends soon, not sure when. He said that he was not going to see her. But that is what has told me before and he did see her. I asked him if he did see her would he tell me and he said yes, but then I said would you wait two weeks like you did the last time all the while denying it when we would talk about it? No response... I know that this is not Plan A material, but how do you keep it in? When they did meet she told him while crying that she knew she needed to leave him alone that he needed to work on his marriage and that is what she wanted to him. She told him that she loved him a lot and it will hurt, but needs to happen. But she can't leave him alone and it just sucks him back in. He doesn't answer for a couple of day and then give back in and it is back full force.

I completely understand what you mean by basing my choices on his mood. It is hard not to do that when you love someone so much. I need to work on that, maybe the distance will help that?

I do believe that marriages can recover from infidelity, but only if there is complete honesty involved and even though he says that he is, he isn't (I will go into more towards the end).

I am definately not looking to replace him with anyone in the future. I have the energy to try with him because I know that with the effort things could be great again. I am not willing however to put this effort into anyone knew. If we don't work out then the effort will be turned into bettering my family because I will need to proved for this family no matter what.

Exposure is just something that I don't know where to start. He has told some of his friends, but they are just that, his friends (and some friends between the two of them). He has told him father, which he says was just speechless about everything, no advice offered. I have taken ownership of my actions, he doesn't think that he has done anything wrong however. Counseling he will not agree to, he is the typical military strong willed if I can't do it by myself then no one else can fix it either. I think it is more of a pride thing though.

Which brings me to the current situation. He stopped talking to her the same day that he stopped talking to me 01/03/07. She however continued text messaging him around the 9th and he didn't message back. He called me on the 10th with a short conversation to test the waters. He actually wasn't supposed to call until the 11th so I was surprised. Fast foward a couple of days. It comes out that the week he wasn't talking to either of us he was really depressed, says he is better now, but was suicidal at some times (um, concerned here a lot). We were having great conversations, talked about our situations on the first day but after that just left the conversation about what was going on. He told me that he was going to start being completely honest whether it hurt me or not because that is what I asked for. He said that on the 15th she texted him (but I know now that she was texting him a lot before that time period as well) and asked if it was okay to call and he told her yes. They talked for upwards of 30min. On top of everything that has gone on, this lady is truly crazy, changed her flight 3 times so that she could just happen to be there why he drove through town to meet, which he told me he didn't get a good feeling about, but still met with her. She has now changed her cell phone service to the same that we have so they are now mobile to mobile because she got a $500+ phone bill one month, to which I replied that I don't feel sorry for her and he said that he understands that. So here we are having great conversations, he is texting me a lot more and calling a lot more, none of this was initiated by me because I still didn't know how he would feel about it. Basically letting him come to me I guess. Then I got an email that the phone bill was ready and I checked it yesterday afternoon and all ****** broke loose. He was telling me that he was depressed at the start of the week and then seemed better, well the phone calls and text messages are back in full force. Which as of the 15th when they started talking again, text messages during the day and calls just to "talk" stopped and it went to one phone call each night.

He called last night and I sent him to voice mail twice before actually answering it. He asked if I had sent him to voice mail and I said yes. He wanted to know why and I told me that I got an email about the phone bill and checked it. He said okay. Then I just said thanks for calling I really don't want to talk to you right now, but since you did I need to talk to you about what clothes, personal items he wanted kept (we are moving). He was like wait a minute I want to go back to the phone bill. I told him that I didn't think that he did, but he insisted. So I just flat out said "you have been talking to her again" he said yes, but it is just that talking. I basically told him that his relationship with her has stepped outside the bounds of friendship when she asked him to f**k her and that I wasn't okay with him talking to her. He said that he didn't tell me that he was completely back in this marriage yet so I had no reason to be mad. I told him and I use "I feel" statements, that finding out that he was talking to her just before or just after our conversations that it is like a slap in the face to me. That here I was thinking that we were starting to move in a positive light and now everything was cheaped because he is talking to her again. On, and on, and on.... He told me that he wanted to love me again, just didn't know how to get there. When he thinks of me when we are not on the phone he thinks about all of the good times we had and truly misses me and when he talks to me on the phone all he thinks about is me with this other person. I think that finally he gets how this whole situation is effecting our relationship. Now when he talks he appoligizes for making me upset or for not having the time to talk (with the time zone change) etc. I basically told him that I do not know what you need right now, I do not know what you want from me. He said that he just needed someone to talk to. Okay so when I am upset or hurt about what he is doing I am just supposed to fake the funk? Is that how this works? Doesn't that make what he is doing okay? I have told him that I don't want to be the other person in my marriage that it just isn't going to work that way. He said the only thing that really makes him happy is pictures of the kids and that as messed up as it sounds he wants pictures of me as well, by myself and with the kids as well.

I am just at a loss right now as to what to do with this whole situation. He flips more than a pancake and it is hard to keep up. I told him the other day that I am not ready emotionally to move down there, that it would just mess things up. We are both extrememely physically attracted to each other and I know that being physical isn't a bad thing, but I don't want it to fog things over, because we had some angry sex when he was here and that was not good for either one of us emotionally. And he is okay with sex between the two of us he just doesn't want any physical touching or kissing during the day and I don't want to go back to that right now. I think that as we start to talk and start to rebuilt the "dating" mentality then things will get easier it is just getting him to go no contact with her so that we can have that chance.

How long does depression over the other person last after no contact is established? They have only been talking heavily since the end of October, but I am sure they met and started to connect shortly after arriving there at the end of Aug/early Sept. October is just when the phone calls and text messages started between the two of them.

I think the thing that finally started to kick everything in for him was the following conversations last night: Tuesday he brought up the subject of going special forces again and he has had this coversation with the other person and she said that if he did that she would walk away fast (a light bulb should have gone on then and it did, but yet he still continues to talk to her). So Wednesday I told him that I was researching information about the selection process for a while and ended up purchasing him a book about making your chances better if he decided to put in his packet. His end of the phone went silent, I told him that after all of the reading that I did, this would be the perfect fit for him, I know that it would be and I will not ever stand in the way of something that I know that he wants to do, because I know that he wouldn't do that to me. I would support him in this decision if that is what he decided to do. He was amazed, his attitude went from being defensive to humble and soft spoken about hurting me. Then I stopped him and said that everything was cheapened after I checked the phone logs and saw that at the same time I was doing all of these things for him that he was on the phone with her. It finally hit home and I could tell.

Then we went on to talking about other random things and actually ended up getting off the phone on a good note and I was no longer upset at the situation for that night.

I have ordered His needs, her needs and surviving an affair and will start reading them when they arrive. He has agreed to take the emotionl needs questionnaires and exchange them. So where to go from here? Just turn a blind eye to what he is doing and not let it bother me when we are on the phone with each other? We have agreed that 6 +/- months before moving down there would be a good decision that it is too early to jump back into it. Then it would give me a chance to start working again so that when I go down there I will have the need to want to work again instead of falling back into the same routine. So I am starting to work on me. I now that is a step in the right direction and he is amazed that I am actually going through with it because before he was in the mindset that I was a "gold digger" although there was not gold to dig and I was just set in my comfort with him taking care of anything.

So if you made it through the whole thing then some thoughts or advice is appreciated.

Thanks!!!

A lot has gone on since I wrote the first post and I am sure that a lot more could be wrote, but these are the high points (or maybe low points) that have occured lately.

ConfusedHurting - just a general observation from reading your two long posts on this thread; neither one of you (you or your husband) seems to have a "commanding officer" wherein your "duty," whether you like the commands or not, is to obey. "Feelings" are secondary to obedience.

Rather than that, you both seem to be retaining the "right" to be your own "commanding officer" with the "right" to do whatever you feel like doing. Interesting way to fight a battle, much less win a war.

In more "MB-like" terms, neither of you has an "absolute" set of Standards based on something outside of you that is applicable to both of you. In addition, your (both of you) Boundaries are weak and vacuous, changing with your emotions. In short, all things seem "relative" and subject to change depending upon the "emotions of the day."

This is a "worldview" issue, and one that you are both going to have to make a choice about. That choice will determine in large part all the rest. The "who is in control" question will be vital, to say nothing of the inherent stresses of a "military marriage."

By the way, how many "cooks" are allowed in the kitchen, and if there is more than one, who is in overall charge and who "follows orders?"