My husband of 13 years and father of our children ages 8 and 11, told me recently he had an affair. The affair was 3 months long but he felt he had feelings for her and loved her. I convinced him to stay but he left last week to stay with her. I am devastated! When we have talked he says that I deserve better, that what he did was too bad, that he cant deal with the guilt of what he did. He says he misses us and when I talk to him on the phone he doesnt say much. I am not ready to give up. He has said to me that once he is gone and if he misses us there is a chance he will change his mind. I have told him that I love him and this will always be his home. No matter how much I have begged him to come home that doesnt work. I dont want to pressure him so that being with her seems even better. What do I do now?

slmom,

Step 1: STOP BEGGING.

committed

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be under the circumstances.

Does your husband work with the other woman?

The starting plan here is Plan A.

Here is a quote from someone, oops, I forgot who.

Plan A is not (repeat NOT) about making the WS happy, or feeling good.

Plan A is NOT, contrary to popular (and very incorrect opinion), about "making yourself a better person," or "working on yourself."

Plan A is ALL ABOUT the straying spouse. In Willard Harely's ever brilliant words, Plan A is a stategy to end the affair and to entice the straying spouse to reconsider the marriage.

So, it has several elements that should be done at the same time.

* First is to eliminate LBers and to meet needs as best you can... recognizing that the unfaithful mate may not allow the betrayed partner to meet needs.
* Second is to CONFRONT the unfaithful partner with what you know. Doing so (of course) in a way that is respectful and about you... how you feel, how you are affected by the affair.
* Third is to expose the affair to the scrutiny of the world. The lover's spouse or s/o, coworkers, family, friends, church family, children, etc.

ALL OF THAT is Plan A. And it should be done as much as possible simultaneously. (If you don't believe me call the radio show Mondays and Thursdays at 1pm Central Time and ask Dr. Harley for yourself.)

Plan A must have a deadline. It's called Plan "A" because there is a second step... aptly named Plan "B." Willard Harley suggests a max of 6 months for men and 3 months for women before going to the next step. If Plan A hasn't worked in that time, it's not going to.

Now, Plan B IS all about you, the betrayed partner. It's about getting you out of and away from a situation that is horribly painful and, let's face it, degrading. Plan B is taking the stance that enough is enough and that although you want the marriage to succeed you will no longer be part of a triangle. And that you care enough about the marriage to know that you need to protect the love you still have for your partner.

Now, nowhere in any of that is the idea that the faithful partner needs to make life easy and comfy for the straying spouse!! No need to bend over backwards to be a doormat. Certainly no need to be afraid to trigger guilt!! Good god!! They should feel guilty!!!
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Have you done any exposure of the affair?

Check out the links below in my signature