It has been a long time since I was here. Wife had 2 A. Dday was over 2 years. After some rough times things got much better. We moved to another state and I got great job. We were trying to get pregnant and wife got a great job opportunity. So we decided to wait a couple of months till she had worked long enough in the company to take advantage of the maternity leave. This was in October. In early November she had to travel back to our old city to the same place where she met OM#1. She asked me if I had any problem with her trip and we discussed it and we agreed that she could go. She spent 2 nights and three days there. She didn't meet with OM#1 because he actualy doesn't work there any more and he moved out of state too. She did meet with her ex boss twice. Once for drinks and another time for dinner and drinks. She ended up preaty late and as I found out the other day she called him to his cell at 2am. This is one relationship which makes me very suspicious. But it is not the only one. She has been alone with a new work collegue in a couple of ocassions now that make me very uncomfortable now. The first time was when she started to work, she went for dinner with 3 (I think) people. But she ended up staying till very late past midnight with this one man. Last week she had to go on another business trip and turns out this guy was there too. For the last 2 months our relationship has been growing apart, and recently she came up to me and told me that our marriage was not going to make it. That we have nothing in common and we are never going to change. I told her I was surprised that I did think we were going through a rough time and that I was surprised that she was so pesimistic when we were doing so great and thinking about having children just a couple of months ago. Right then I though OMG! she is cheating again. I started to think of any clues that might have left but I couldn't find anything positive. So today I told her how I felt, that I was having these thoughts and that I needed to be sure she was not cheating. I asked her if she would let me check her email from work since I don't have access to it and she never checks it when I'm around (on a side note, she has been saying that her computer is acting weird and has been checking for viruses and spyware which might suggest that she suspects that I might have put a keylogger on her pc). Anyway she accepted to log in to her mail (didn't give me the password though). I browsed a couple of emails and found nothing. But she started to get nervous, the I did a search for the suspected OM name and got like 90 emails I was going through them when she said: STOP I can't continue like this and she took the computer from me. She said that it was an invasion of her privacy and that I had no right to do it. I told her that she had lost that right when she cheated on me the first time and if she shouldn't worry if she had nothing to hide, the worst (?) case scenario was I finding nothing and looking like an a**hole. Still she refused to let me search, and said that this was it. I said ok, if this is it, then it is it now, she packed 2 suitcases and called a cab. I just saw her get on it. I don't see how we can get back together after this. Even if she was not cheating she is not conscious of my feelings and does nothing to keep me from suspecting.

Some other things that caught my attention lately:

* She has a coorporate calling card.
* She encouraged me to leave town for the summer (go back to my home country or get a job in some other city for a couple of months while she stayed here).
* While we were trying to get pregnant SF was good and more than I could handle. After that it went down to 0.

My question is: what's next?

Sorry that happened. You are very young, and I know it hurts very bad, but you need to divorce her and find someone who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.

I'm around the same age as you, and I know that if me and my WW do recover but she cheats on me again, it is over for good. It sounds to me like you've married a serial cheater, someone with a MAJOR character flaw. It is probably best to cut your losses right now and move on. I rarely recommend divorce, but you deserve better than this. It's time to cut her loose.

One thing is don't make it an amicable divorce. Fight for everything that is yours. Afterall, this woman cheated on you at least 3 times now (and don't be fooled, she is cheating again), and she doesn't deserve [censored]. Don't let some misplaced love for her allow yourself to get screwed over in a D because you are trying to offer a gesture of kindness and forgiveness. This woman deserves NOTHING!! If you can gather up any proof you have because some states cheating allows for a more favorable division of assets and other perks. This woman is toxic and you need to rid yourself of her.

Perhaps you should find out if OM is married or in a committed relationship and expose the truth to her about her life.

After that...your call.

Do you really want to save this marriage??

Why???

Mr. Wondering

My problem is:

* 2 months ago things were great, best time in our marriage.
* Suddenly things start to get sour.
* I suspect cheating but have no proof.
* I tell her my doubts and ask to check her email.
* She refuses.

Maybe nothing happened, maybe my wife thinks she is in love with one of these guys but they don't even have a clue. Maybe I'm the one that has it all wrong, the only thing that I know for certain is that my W does not understand how I feel and how important it is for me to be able to trust her. The worst thing is that even if she realizes it now and offers to open her email account for me again I will never know if she deleted anything.

Skip the feelings and use logic. Why can't you look at her emails? Ask yourself that over and over again because if she has nothing to hide then it shouldn't be a problem. Her history of cheating and her unwillingness to let you view every aspect her life means that she has NOT changed. She is cheating on you again, as hard as it is to accept that you have to. You have to follow the MB plan 100% or it doesn't work. It seems as if you and the WS have never gotten to the bottom of your issues so the behavior will never stop. Why should she stop cheating when she has nothing to lose? She has cheated on you before and you are still with her so why change? What motivation have you given her to change? I think it's time for Plan B because she obviously feels like she has nothing to lose so let her find out the hard way.

Agree with Almond and the rest

Get out of the way

You don't need to prove what you already know

She's not trustworthy

A short Plan B...with a firm boundary MAY determine if this is just a simple inappropriate power struggle (which will result in her crawling back and growing up) or a full blown affair and a complete lack of character (as opposed to a immature and lacking character).

If there IS truth to be had...WW's not about to give it to you. Snoop if you want OR talk and compare notes with OM's girlfriend/wife...it's less likely they were as secretive on his side of the fence. I'll concede it is easier to recover individual when all the facts are on the table...open questions invite doubt and NOW is the time to get the truth.

Mr. Wondering

Yep, it's time to stop playing Mr. Nice Guy. You have to snoop and get as much info as possible w/o asking her for it cuz she is in the fog again. Next you have to expose her wrong doings. I think you believe that plan A means you have to be a doormat and it doesn't! You have already shown her how good it can be with you and that hasn't worked so it's time for the hammer. You have to let her know with your actions, not empty threats, that there are direct and harsh consequences for her trifling ways. It's time for you to drop a nuclear bomb on her and make her see that you are NOT the one to play with. If she decides to come crawling back dont' let her without an sincere agreement to attend marriage counseling and once and for all deal with the issues that are causing her to cheat over and over again. If she is unwilling to do that and just wants to sweep it under the rug then you gotta let her go.

Made it through the first night. Modern medicine has done wonders but still sometimes I think that all the suffering serves a purpose in the end, just like the pain you feel after you grab a hot pan. A nice gesture from my wife was to change the password on the cell web page so I can't track her calls anymore. But every action has a concequence. I cancelled her credit card which is an extension of mine.

Well, that will make her angry. Does she work outside the home, and can she support herself?

Divorce her. She is obviously cheating again and frankly has most likely never stopped. She is a married woman. She should not have been out drinking with men in ANY setting... business or otherwise. Find someone that will respect you and your marriage. Send her packing.
I am sorry for your pain.

She came back today. Said she can't stay in a hotel (not enough cash). She works and makes a decent living. Tomorrow she will go rent an appartment (or so she said). I told her that as soon as my contract with my current employer ends I will go back to my country. We don't have kids nor debts (just the car but we have enough cash to pay it). We have two joint accounts and each directs depostis its wage to one of them. We just swaped ATM cards and I will ask her to remove her name from my account and I will do the same from hers.

I'm sure there are a lot of nice women in your country that are looking for a good man. There are not enough good men in the world.

Stick to your boundaries. Don't let her wiggle her way back into your life, WITHOUT some huge changes. I doubt that she will get an apartment. Be prepared.

ITA, Believer.

She came back already? Not even a full 24 hours and she ran back home. She has this good job but not even enough money for one night's stay in hotel or motel? What? They don't accept debit or credit cards?

This just proves that she knows that what she has at home is a good thing but she wants you to be her doormat. Trust me, if things were 100% intolerable to her she would find a way to get gone and stay that way.

It sounds like she is playing games so that she can continue her cake eating. She is giving you a scare making you think she is leaving you because you will not let her have her way with you. She stays gone for less than 24 hours and then comes back oh, so dramatically and tells you she is getting an apartment.

Sure whatever.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I could be wrong but it sounds highly suspicious to me. I think you shouldn't even make mention of reconciling. Do not help her to make any plans to move. She is a big girl so let her handle this on her own. It's a taste of what the real world is going to be like without you. Make plans for your life and follow through. No matter how painful do not offer to work things out with her just one last time. You will look pitiful to her and she will continue to feel no respect for you. If she wants to save the marriage it's her turn to come to you.