..and I wanted to thank you all-my friends--for being with me this year. Wh left when I was just 16 weeks pregnant, and now Elliot is 1 year and 3 days old! I remember the eve of the night I was to be induced--the support and well-wishes and the care and concern afterwards. I lived and breather MB so immensely at that time, that I can truly say that I would not be the same today without the kind and truly "real" people who post here.

A one year old!! He was the cutest on his big day. I had a small brunch for him with some fellow infants-to-toddler friends. He literally devoured the cake and was even attempting to eat the plate. It was precious. Sometimes I think he's been one of the greatest gifts I could have been given. His presence as well as my other two little men are such a source of strengt for me.

Everything about him and his brothers is precious to me. Too many times the actions of the WS cloud all of us from seeing the amazing blessings we have before us. I know I personally missed out on much for about 6 months when this was going on because for a while there, I was just hanging on. Surviving. I wish instead that I would have seen more of the little moments of my boys.

You know, being grateful and thankful for those in our lives--whether it be our kids, our friends, our family--is a good place to start as you walk this battle. Trials are hard. A crisis is exhausting and wrenching--but we still do have some amazing things to be thankful for.

One more thing as I ramble on--when this chaos started for me, I was 26. I had two boys--3 and 2 and was newly pregnant. I had just purchased a home with WH that we were to soon move into.
Fast forward to today. I am 28. I have a 5, 3 and 1 year old. The house is sold: I never lived there. I am divorced. But I am able to establish firm boudaries with my XH. I am still able to stay home and work from home so the boys can have more of mommy and less change in their little lives. I am still being "held" by the Lord as He still provides for me daily. I have a lot to be thankful for, especially that bald little blue-eyed one-year old who walks on his knees and can say 6 words already! (Sorry, proud mommy moment)

And about that word--still--I think for us it can hold a lot of meaning.
Like from Ark's post--being still when the chaos surrounds.
Or what about still in the sense of continuing, always, remaining--that regardless of what happens--whether your marriage is saved or not--that you'll still be okay. God STILL has a plan for you. That never changed. Sure some nasty WS evil came in and wrecked some mammoth chaos for you--but STILL God is with you. STILL has a plan. STILL has a purpose. Maybe it looks a little different. But it is STILL there.

I think I like thay word "still."

My heart goes out to you and I am so glad your faith will see you through. I do not think I could be as courageous when I was your age but you are right....God DOES have a plan for you S T I L L.

You are an inspiration to all the BSs on this board - proving that there is life and hope and HAPPINESS after betrayal.

Kudos to you, intexas. Blessings to you and your family.

Alph.

(((intexas)))

You have done so well. So well. Did you know that?

You've done very well with the situation you were handed. And I'm so happy that you posted an update. There are tons of hurting folks here, just trying to get through the day, and it helps to read about the MB success stories.

You know, I read here everyday. And I wish I could tell EVERY new BS that they'll be okay in the end. Still. Regardless. They have to claim that eventually if they will be able to grasp a sense of forward and a sense of their self being worth something.

trust me you guys, I still have my bad moments. You can't take a true commitment and vow and throw it away that easily. But I can say that daily I deal with it in a new way. But I don't push it aside. If I need to cry, I cry. If I need to vent, I pray.

Xh is such a sad case. Wish I could have saved him. I know I can't. He is miserable. And I am not happy he is suffering. Not at all. I do like hearing OW is cheating on him, though. It's all a sad mush of self-entitlement--the very opposite of what he vowed and promised. I can't revel in fantasies of his misery. I just feel sad for him. But I can say WITHOUT A DOUBT that there is nothing I like about him.

Something about that word STILL that I also like--God STILL has a plan for my XH. It's good to know that when we fail, and when we fail miserably, even though we face consequences for our actions, God is STILL gonna forgive us. Somehow that comforted me when I realized I had to finally let go of my WH now XH. If only he'd run to Him who STILL forgives.

He is still very much walking a path of destruction. He tells me "I've hit rock bottom. I'm repented" But then takes my kiddos to church with OW, etc. It's ALL yucky. I am SO SO SO grateful my eyes were opened to his manipulation. It's freaky when I realize how much he did this to me all our time together. Almost like I feel free something pretty evil and controlling.

oh... that's UNHEARD of ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

how utterly shocking <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

alert the media <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Pep-

Did you know he said to me?--

Intexas, i thought I could trust her. She promised me.

All I could do was smile from ear to ear.

Those moments, well, those are better than chocolate. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I remember your thread when I arrived her. I felt so bad for you being a mom of two, pregnant and having a WH to boot that was providing nothing in the way of support or otherwise. I remember reading in your thread your fears, hurt, pain, disbelief and more

AND here we are over a year later and you have morphed from this person I described above into a person that all on here can be encouraged by. The you that you are today are an inspiration to many hurting, and down and out souls who unfortunately find themselves here.

God bless you and your sons.

thanks H&P--we've all come a long way.

And here's the birthday boy! birthday boy!

I can't make the pic bigger, sorry, but wanted to share anyway.

Oh, what a cutie!

Those cheeks! I could eat him up!

Sorry... I just lose control over babies. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Just updating this thread--guess I'll make it my new one. I'm not really in need of a "thread" anymore I guess. No real M trauma anymore. No M, so none of that. But still, I am drawn here every night. I think it's good for me to come here and read and sometimes post when I can add something.

What I wanted to share tonight was about worship. For Christians, our first weapon in worship. I say this now because for me, music, song-worship--was a HUGE strongtower for me in this battle.

And still is.

So I don't sleep well anymore. Started about three weeks ago. I hate it. I am exhausted in the days because of it. I am on call all but 6 nights a months, so i can't take something to help me sleep.

Two nights ago, I had a hospital call at 2;45, so after I got the family in touch with the hospital, I went to get back in bed; however, my three year old who had earlier snuck into my bed had somehow morphed himself into a position that covered the whole bed at every angle possible.

Off to the couch for me. But first I had to close the curtains in the living room. The stereo is by the curtains. As I closed them, a song started playing from the cd player. This was the song:


When all around has fallen your castle has been burned
You used to be a king here now no one knows your name
You live your life for honour, defender of the faith
But you've been crushed to pieces and no one knows your pain

Come, come lay your weary head be still my friend
Come, rise I'll place my sword upon your shoulder
Come, rise with me

When tomorrow has been stolen and you can't lift your head
And summer feels like winter your heart is full of stone
Though all your hopes have fallen your skin is now your only armour
Wear your scars like medals defender of the faith

Come, come lay your weary head be still my friend
Come, rise I'll place my sword upon your shoulder
Come, come lay your faithful head, be still my friend
Come rise with me


What can I say? I fell to my knees and bawled like a child. For two hours I let it all out again.

Gosh darn this healing process. You think you're doing okay, and then it rushes out again like an overshaken coke can.

But it was good, too. I'd like to think that God "pressed" play that night for me to release those tears of mourning. I put on a face a lot that I'm superwoman and can do it all. I'm thinking God wants some humility from me and wants to remind me He's superman, and he didn't ask me to be superwoman--just let Him be my Superman.

Intexas

intexas,

I recently heard the song "When God Ran" and, like you, I started bawling while driving down the road. What awesome love to know that when we return to Him He runs to us!

Almighty God
The Great I Am
Immoveable Rock
Omnipotent powerful

Awesome Lord
Victorious Warrior
Mighty Conquerer
Commanding King of Kings
And the only time
the only time I ever saw Him run

Was when He ran to me
Took me in His arms, held my head to His chest
And said "My son's come home again".
Looked in my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice
He said "Son, do you know I still love you?"

It caught me by surprise when God ran

The day I left Home
I knew I'd broken His heart
I wondered if
Things would ever be the same

Then one night
I remembered His love for me
And down that dusty road, ahead I could see
It was the only time,
the only time I ever saw Him run

It caught me by surprise, It dropped me to my knees
When God ran

Holy God, Righteous One
Who turned my way
Now I know, You've been waiting
For this day

Eph--That's one of the songs that when I hear, I think of my Ex. Becuase I want him to run back to God.

this part especially:


It's beautiful. And the way it's sung--such emotion.

Similar to what you wrote, what also gets me so emotional about it is thinking of how I would run to WW if/when she comes back (as a FWW of course)