Noddy turns 40 today. Happy Birthday, MLC Man! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

He began his affair when he was 37, a little young I guess for a MLC, but apart from his age the affair has all the hallmarks of a MLC – younger woman, living like a teenager (he started smoking again after having given up for six years – just because the OW smokes, spent crazy amounts of money, always going on foreign holidays, bought a new car, drinks like a fish etc).

Apart from the above, he and the Omelette live like a tight married couple (although they aren’t yet married). They are never out of each other’s sights, never do anything alone. In fact, they live like the ideal Harley couple – much more than the 15-hour quality time recommendation! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I suspect they will set a date once the finances are sorted out – should be by March/April this year, all being well.

I need a little advice. I have more or less given up on the idea of moving away from this area – things have dragged on for far too long and the girls are now pretty much settled in their routine of seeing their dad (and the Omelette) at weekends and for some of the school holidays. They are also both settled in excellent schools, and doing very well academically and socially. DD13’s friends, more than anything I think, have helped her through the terrible time she had when her Dad left us. I cannot now separate her from them, much as I would like to leave here and begin a new life; it ain’t gonna happen until DD6 is at college!

So – my question. Should I initiate contact with Noddy again – for the sake of the children? I was never in a proper Plan B to start with – never sent a letter, but I withdrew all visual and verbal contact with him in September 2005. I don’t think we have talked since then. I did this, basically, for my own survival, not to save my marriage (and it didn’t). We have communicated sporadically by letter regarding the children – very businesslike - but even this communication stopped when Noddy refused to send letters to me unless they were co-signed by Omelette. I refused to discuss my children with her, so that was that, and all contact has now ceased.

Now I am at a place where I could quite easily face Noddy across a table if we were discussing the children (I have nothing else I wish to talk to him about) but I am pretty certain that he will not agree to see me unless Omelette is with him. They have built up this ‘Our Great Love Against The Evil Alphin’ scenario and now everything is ‘We’ and never ‘I’ with Noddy. He cannot function without her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

But I cannot and will not deal with the Omelette, nor do I think I should. I accept her as part of my children’s lives, but she wants to encroach on my life too, and I will not have that. She also seems to think that she actually has some legal rights and responsibilities over my children, but, even if she and Noddy marry, she never will have - Noddy can only delegate responsibility to her, like a babysitter. I also accept, of course, that she and Noddy discuss the children together, but why should I discuss my children with her?

I also wonder if it would be wise, and convenient, to wait until the finances are completely sorted out, and the whole divorce thing is finished, before I initiate contact. But this could be a few months down the line yet.


And, when (if) I do, how do I go about it? Another letter – to be answered by Noddy and Omelette together? I know this sounds stupid, but having been out of contact with Noddy for so long, I don’t really know how to go about this.

Any suggestions and advice gratefully received!

Alph.

Alphin, is it because it's his birthday and you think you should be wishing him all the best?

I think matters relating to the children should definitely be done without Omelette's involvement, but is there something specific you need to talk about? If not, I'd be tempted to leave things as they are for now - better to get the finances sorted out first. I don't trust him not to upset you. TT

Hee hee. Yes. I wish him everything he truly deserves.


Hardly ever. I've really got the hang of the single mother thing - most of the time, Noddy doesn't exist parentally. He just shows the kids a good time.

But sometimes I feel that too much is laid on DD13 - not that she carries messages between Noddy and I - never that - but she does seem to have fallen on her to 'arrange' things on her and her sister's behalf, and I feel uncomfortable about this. For example, she told me when he was picking them up to take them away for Christmas. Next month is DD6's birthday, and Noddy is supposed to be doing her party this year. I haven't heard anything about that, either, and I need to know to make my own arrangements for celebrations. I suspect I'll hear about it last minute from DD13. Similarly, it's DD13's birthday in March... but she can make her own arrangements with her friends, of course.

DD13 will be choosing important options at school this year. I wonder if I should be discussing this with Noddy. But things like this really raise my hackles as Noddy and Omelette are both teachers and will doubtless both have lots of good advice for me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

And both girls are doing SATs this year, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Alphin, leave it be until the D is all worked out. You don't want to give him any opportunity to upset the apple cart. You are doing well. Have you asked DD13 if this arrangement leaves her feeling stressed or in the middle?

FF,

I should wait until after the finances are all sorted - I don't trust him (or Omelette) not to try to manipulate me.

I have asked DD13 about this - she says it's fine, but I'm still a little uncomfortable about it. I don't feel it should be her responsibility. I've never sent messages through her, but he does.

I think the best place to start is with another letter. When there is something relevent to the children to discuss, of course.

Alph.

Would you mind if I give you the view of a step-parent?

I've never been an OW, but I imagine that other than that, your Omelette's sitch is similar to what my life was like when my H and I first got together. At that time, he shared 50/50 custody with his XW (on paper, but she never had them as much as she was supposed to). Very likely, Omelette is providing most of the care and making most of the arrangements for your kids when they are going over there. Even if your XH is involved with the kids, if it's anything like our case, she's still the main backbone, planning, cooking, cleaning, transporting, etc. All the things that a mom does -- without the benefits of actually BEING mom.

It's a really, really tough position to be in, and it's even harder when you're trying to do all that planning without any information. My H and his XW would make plans or discuss things, and then he'd forget to tell me about it, or tell me parts of it or miss some details, or have forgotten about something else, so he planned right over the top of it -- whatever. And then kids would get left somewhere or not be somewhere that they were supposed to be, or there would be three different events planned for the exact same time, missed parent teacher conferences, driving all over town looking for their mom to drop them off to her, etc. It was a mess.

At that point, I also started insisting that I be included on making arrangements. If I'm going to be responsible for carrying them out, then I need to be involved in the planning.

It worked out much better for the kids, and all of the adults. We got to a point where we did alright with phone calls between any of us. They were always business-like, and I never had a friendly relationship with the Bio-Mom, but we could get things done.


I can absoloutely understand the hurt and hatred you feel for Omelette. We have our kids full-time now, and have for a long time, so I consider them mine. During my H's A, when I thought of OW having ANYTHING to do with MY KIDS, I wanted to scream and kill her. So I really, really do understand.

But in the interest of keeping things smooth, and a little easier for your kids, once things are final with your financial stuff .... maybe you could consider including her just to the extent that you'd include a nanny or sitter or someone like that. You don't have to like her or feel for her or anything else. And you don't have to listen to her advice or care whether your XH does or not, or include her on any letters that you send, etc.

I think you'll find it will be much easier on everyone when you can pick up the phone and call to make arrangements, ask about parties, give details about events, etc. without having to dread which one of them will pick up. Or take calls from their number without worrying which one it is.


-AmI.

Hi AMIok.

I do want to get to that stage - being able to communicate with either Noddy or Omelette without getting upset - and though I am there with Noddy, I am far from there with the OW.

Noddy and Omelette don't really do that much with the kids when they are over there - DD13 does her own thing (MSN, mostly), and DD6 either plays on the Xbox or draws (she's a brilliant artist, even tho I say so myself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ), neither of which require much effort on their part. Food wise, they usually take them out, or Noddy cooks (he's a veggie and so are the kids - Omelette isn't).

She can't drive either, so she doesn't do the ferrying about thing. I do know that at least she isn't unkind to them, and they seem to like her OK. I am actually very grateful for this, as I don't want the kids to be unhappy when they go over there.

But... to be honest... the thought of my ex discussing things with me, and forgetting to tell Omelette about it, and it causing them all kinds of problems... fills me with absolute glee. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

HI

I am Alph's colon <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I've been sick <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
but I am starting to feel better little by little

I know that stress and worry makes me irritable and I get tied up in knots

I was thinking that until this one big thing
we have to worry about


(the financial agreement)

is finalized and settled ... maybe we could just not add anything else that might be stressful to our "to do" list

let's wait until my lining is not inflammed and I am as calm as I can get <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

love, Alph's colon <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />