Ok... I'm not sure you all remember me or not. I'll give a brief recap then move on to what's killing me.

My husband of 9 yrs (minister) and I have a 7 yr old daughter. he left new years eve said that i talked down to him like a child and he's tired of trying. not going to put himself out there to get hurt again. very persistant about NOT trying.

now he says he's the happiest he's ever been. he just works and goes to stay with our friends (who the man is also a minister). he said that he doesn't see himself coming home. he just doesnt want to work it out. i've hurt him too much and it's past working out.

well, he works this all these young people (who are about 5-8 yrs younger than him). all are recovering drug addicts. none have custody of their kids nor are they married.

well, he's been taking this one home a lot because her only ride (sister) had wreck and totaled her car. now she depends on others to cart her around. so, last night my husband goes to the ER w/ strep throat. he had to take her home. but before carryign her home, he just went on to the Er and pharmacy with her. she went with him and then he took her home. he makes me sick! i love him so much and i've cried until i'm dehydrated. i just dont know what to do. i dont recall being so mean to him. i think its all about sex. it always has been. he's addicted and i just dont HAVE to have it all the time. he swears up and down he's not cheating. but who really knows?

oh, and he wont even call his daughter. he's been around her twice since new years. each time about 15 min. thats it. and she thinks he leaves before she gets up to go to work and comes home after she's in bed. i'm not going to sit her down and tell her. HE is.

any advice? i think i got the quick version of most of it out. i just need help.

fm, a quick question for direction from you if I may.

Whose help do you want, ours or God's?

If it's the latter, then I, for one, need to know more about this "minister" husband of yours, such as what "faith," what church you are members of, what are the beliefs of your husband with respect to "obedience to God" being the right and necessary response of a believe who has been saved by the GRACE of God?

If it's the former, there are MANY who will try to afford you some help. But my "take" on it is simple, your "first" battle is a spiritual battle, not a physical or emotional battle.

God bless.

FM,

I am with ForeverHers. Since you both are Christians, then this needs to be approached that way. There is great power in following the Lord. The Lord also says that a believer that continues to rebel against Him, will face severe consequences (Hebrews 10). And since your husband is a minister, it will be even worse for him.

So, please let us know what you seek, and answer FH's questions above. It might also help if you check out the roles of husbands and wives in my post below, to understand your role in leading your husband back.

The sex issue between you can be fixed, where both will be happy with it. But the first issue is the affair (and there almost certainly is an affair). At the very least, your husband is not leading his family...which is not a good thing!

So, I will stop here until I see what you have to say in regards to FH's requests above.

Hang in there. The Lord is with you.

((fm))

I just wanted to add my encouragement to you like FH and MM. My WH was a youth pastor when his EA cost him his ministry.

The things your H has said sound very much like justifications for his behavior, to make himself feel better for leaving.

I don't know what kind of ministry your husband is in, or the type of minister "friend" he is staying with-but I do know that the bible says a man who does not have his family in order is not fit to be in leadership. IMHO leaving his family certainly fits that criteria.

It might be a good idea to talk with whoever is his boss in this ministry. They need to know he has left you and is having little contact with his own daughter.

I also must say that your H's actions sound somewhat inappropriate to me. A man in his type of ministry needs to have accountability in his actions, especially with young women. He should never be with them without another person present.

Hang in there. The Lord's mercies really are everlasting.
He can hold you even when you think you can't keep it together.

We are Baptist. My husband was the youth minister. He has been preaching for almost 5 years and was ordained as the youth minister September 17. I know God will help me thru this. I have to keep my faith that he will show me the way.

My husband has stopped going to church all together. He said if/when he goes back, it won't be that church. He'll go to another. He said he'd probably never preach again or hold any type of office.

My husband has always lived by the Bible. He's always "practiced what he preached". He was a very Godly man. He went to work at this job and he started having to work all wednesday nights and most sundays. so, it began to come between him and church. then on top of all that, his boss is agnostic. he doesnt even believe in God. At first, my husband talked to him and was trying to hear his views, etc. I don't know. they became better friends and that is not the group of people i would want the father of my child running around with. keep in mine, they only work together. they dont go out after work or anything like that. but still....

I hope I answered your question FH. if not, word it differently for me.

failingmarriage,

This sounds exactly like what my WH said when he left (never go to church again, afraid of getting hurt again, the sex, blah, blah, blah)...there is most definitely an affair. You need to follow up with those here that are asking you questions...they know their stuff.

Read everything you can on this site and add a lot of prayer to it. Don't wait to act, time is of the essence in dealing with this before it goes any further.

Much prayer,
IHC

fm-

Your WH is saying the same type of things mine did when things were first exposed.

I believe your WH has fallen under the classic plan of the enemy in order to destroy his ministry and effectiveness.

That's why your M was attacked. That is the basis for your WH's support and his measure as a man of God. It is also the example that we, as Christians, show Christ's love for the church.

The plan goes back to the garden. Get us to doubt God's truth.

Then get us to doubt God's character-that He is somehow holding out on us, denying us some sort of happiness (.
Then, get us self focused-exalt us over God's plan.

Then, convince us that we are special and we won't face the consequences of our actions.

After the plan is executed-if we step into it-then the enemy becomes the accuser. "See, you blew it. You can't be a minister. Your Christian life is a sham. God won't ever be able to use you again."

The hardest part of this battle is that we all get to choose-whether to follow God or to follow our own wants.

My WH said he would never go back to ministry so that nothing like this could happen again (that was before he left us). I'm not sure how my WH connected his call to ministry with his choice to pursue an EA-but that is the nature of the enemy's deceptions.

In His grip-

fm, yes it did. Thank you.

Now let me ask a few follow up questions.

I assume you are both members of the church where he was the Youth Minister. What has the Pastor had to say about this?

What has been done, if anything, regarding a Matthew 18:15-20 intervention?

What does your husband say is his responsibility to God in obeying God?

Who is this minister friend that he is supposedly staying with and what is the belief structure of this friend?

Do you think that your husband would agree to Nouthetic (biblical) marriage counseling?

Do you have any strong Christian men who can talk to your husband?

Would your husband be willing to read anything? If so, I can email you a couple of pamphlets that might be helpful.

God bless.

our pastor hasn't contacted us really. he went to where my husband works and just asked if he was ok adn said he'd be praying for him. Our pastor just hugs me and says he's glad to see me. That's about it. My husband hasn't been to church since November... so, he's not active right now.

He doesn't really talk much about God and how he's suppose to live right now. The minister whom my husband is staying with right now is a dear friend of ours. He and his wife have been our best friends for a few years now. He is also a deacon at our church. He keeps trying to get my husband to sit down and have a bible study together like they use to. He keeps trying to get him to talk to him about things but he doesn't. This friend of ours has the same beliefs we have. He's a VERY Godly man who has a very loving Christian home. So, this friend of ours is about the only person my husband would listen to. He looks up to him like a big brother or even a father figure.

My husband won't read anything I try to give him. He also says that our marriage is past counceling. He doesn't want to sit down and talk to anyone about anything. He said that he doesn't want to work it out.

I just keep praying...

fm, this is the first and best thing to do..."pray without ceasing."

Consider adding to your prayers, if you are not doing so already, that God's will be done not only in your marriage and in your husband's heart, but also in all who are touched by this mess.

That leads me to the rest of your post and the "players" involved.



This is a very similar to the situation my wife and I faced when I became aware of her affair and her intention to end the marriage and marry her OM. We were members of a Southern Baptist church and I met with the Pastor. He was most sympathetic to me and prayed for the situation. But that was “it.” He was either not trained in Nouthetic (biblical) counseling or was “uncomfortable” with “conflict” and standing on the WHOLE Word of God (specifically to the situation, Matthew 18:15-20).

You see, all Christians are accountable to God. Additionally, we are accountable to each other (as in “Am I my brother’s keeper?). The “purpose” of church discipline is NOT to punish a brother/sister who has succumbed to sin, it is to gain repentance and full restoration of fellowship. In addition, it also has the purpose of not “tolerating” or “condoning through inaction” the presence of sin within the body because it “sends the wrong message” about willful sin to the rest of the membership, some of whom are “weak in the faith” and can be adversely affected. Allowing sin to go “unchallenged” is like leaving a cancer untreated. Sooner or later it will have BAD effects on the whole body.

My wife and I no longer attend the church we were at. My wife, in fact, is still resentful that the Pastor and/or Deacons did NOTHING to confront her with the gospel and obedience to God as the “duty” of a Christian. We are now members of an independent body of believers who DO believe in whole Word of God, as well as the truth that believers ARE accountable to one another, because NONE of us “immune” to sin, or the potential to sin.




This is not unusual. It is very common. Your husband KNOWS that God forbids adultery and that the Marriage Covenant INCLUDES God as a “partner” in the marriage. So he is “running from God,” not dissimilar to Jonah, because he doesn’t want to DO what God has commanded because he “doesn’t like it.” My wife had little to do with church, other than “making an appearance” in church while the affair was unknown to me. But after it became known, she “ran” from God until God reached down (through the ministry of the Holy Spirit) and convicted her of her sin. God also used godly people who would NOT “turn a blind eye” to her sin and talked with her about what God SAYS about “things.”

No one “likes” confrontation and conflict, but the “standing for God” includes having a sincere concern for a brother who is caught up in sin, not in “tolerating” the sin in the hope that the person will “come to their senses” on their own. It is all too easy to simply say, “Well, I prayed about it and now it’s up to God.” Yes, it IS ultimately up to God, but God has also commanded believers to DO some “things,” and that includes “Matthew 18:15-20. The “world” teaches “I’m okay, you’re okay” and “I’m doing my own thing.” But believers know that those sorts of phrases and thoughts are “false beliefs.” IF a brother truly has a concern for, and a love for, another person’s soul and standing before the Lord, they MUST speak. They must speak for the Lord, using the Word of God, and not human opinion.




So, let me ask you a question that you might want to think about, might even want to ask this Deacon (whose primary responsibility as a Deacon is a ministry of caring and standing for the Word of God). Is this friend being the “Great Fish” that swallowed Jonah, or is he being the “Vegas Hotel Room” where “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?”

For a “VERY Godly man” to tolerate willful sin against God under his own roof is “playing with fire” on all sides. He probably thinks he is “showing caring and love for a brother,” but perhaps it would be better to think about what “real caring” is for a brother. There is such a thing as "Tough Love." This is NOT a “Good Samaritan” situation. He is, in effect, harboring the robbers who beat up the Samaritan. YOU are the “Samaritan” in this situation, not your husband. Your husband has perpetrated this on YOU. YOU are the one being left beaten and bleeding on the side of the road, not your husband.

What IS the “more loving” response to your husband? It is NOT to disregard Scripture and place the “world’s ways” ahead of “God’s way.” Why would someone RUNNING from God want to engage in any study, much less a “Bible study,” that says “God, not you, is in control?” They don’t. They run just like Jonah. They placed THEIR OWN feelings ahead of humble obedience to God. That IS, isn’t it, the core reason for sin in one’s life? Paul fought this battle with the “flesh” too. Paul told us of his struggle with it so that we would be forewarned. Paul told us of his struggle so that we would put on the “whole armor of God” and be able to stand against the temptations of the world and of Satan. The lie in the Garden was the same as it is today, “God didn’t really mean what He has said.”



IF this is true, then your husband is NOT, and never has been, SAVED, or he is so backslidden that he desperately needs someone to tell him that while he may have these feelings, he MUST be obedient to the God who gave His life for him. Your Deacon friend is tolerating an unbeliever in his house with a cancer against God. Your Deacon’s FIRST responsibility is to God, and then next to his family. One does NOT tolerate someone “claiming” to be a believer to “do their own thing” as an “example” to one’s family. “Silence connotes consent” is a warning he really should consider.

Your marriage is NOT “past counseling.” Your husband simply doesn’t want counseling because he KNOWS what God has to say about marriage. When you say, “He doesn't want to sit down and talk to anyone about anything. He said that he doesn't want to work it out,” you KNOW this. A Christian surrenders their life, all of it, to the Lordship of Christ. God, not us, is the Lord. We may not “like” some things that God tells us to do, but God, not us, is Sovereign and has the RIGHT to command us no matter what we may be feeling. And you can be certain of one thing, God WILL NOT command us to commit sin so that we can “feel the way we think we want to feel.” No, God commands us to “take up our cross and follow me.” Your husband’s cross in this instance is the same cross that we all have to confront, the “human sin nature” and its attendant desires.

It is WHY it is so important that believers ARE accountable to each other (I AM my brother’s keeper). Sin IS beguiling. Sin IS enticing. But we CANNOT serve two masters. There can only BE one Lord. And we are all His servants, not free to ignore the Lord’s commands, to “pick and choose” the ones we will obey and the ones we won’t obey because it’s “not convenient.”

Bottom line: your husband needs to be confronted in love with the Word of God. A “crisis of faith” must be precipitated, with the goal of repentance and restoration, not punishment. But there ARE consequences for all actions, and refusal to submit to God’s commands by a professing believer is not “allowed” without consequences. God WILL “turn up the heat” on a true believer caught up in sin. That is easily seen in the “steps” of Matthew 18:15-20. For an unbeliever, it is enough that they hear the Gospel message. But it does not require inviting them into your home to live with you and your family. What have we (believers) in common with the world? Do we teach and believe that the Scripture IS the inerrant, infallible Word of God, or just a bunch of “nice stories” written by a gaggle of men that contains some “nice suggestions” but that is not TRUTH?

“By their works you shall know them.”

God knows the condition of your husband’s heart and, assuming he IS a backslidden believer, knows where he is and how to find him and lead him back to the “fold.” We, as fellow believers, can impede, assist, get in the way of, be a useful tool of God, etc. But we must stand on the Word of God as THE AUTHORITY and not on our own emotions or thoughts.

I believe that nothing happens without God both knowing about it and allowing it. What the reason is for His allowing certain things to happen, I don’t know. But God DOES know and the promise of Romans 8:28-39 is for HIS elect. Sometimes the “best course of action” is to “get out of God’s way” and let GOD do “His thing” in the life of someone. In the final analysis it is not up to us, it is up to God. And God is faithful to ALL of His promises.


God bless you and make His presence known to you during this very trying time.

WOW FH--what an AWESOME post. Ever thought of going into marriage counseling yourself? That was amazing and I am saving it for future reference in hopes to help others.

Failingmarriage--
As for the affair and MB plan of all of this, what have you done in finding out if there is an A (if so, you'll know exactly what "monster" you're up against). Can you check his cell records? Cingualar I know is available online. E-mail? Follow him a bit? What about where he works and is meeting this girl and people? Do they know what is going on? Are they a Christian organization? You'll need to know WHO this OP is and if there is an A.
Hope I can help.
Intexas

FH has a great post above.
I just wanted to add one thing that my pastor said when me Ex H first left us for the OW.
The pastor brought together my Ex's mom, siblings, me, and a couple of church elders to discuss the steps in Matthew 18. It was really the first I had truly studied that passage. It sounds so scary at first! By the time we met, my WxH had all ready been confronted one on one, by several people, and he refused to turn from his sin. The next step was to have 2 or more believers confront him, and if he did not turn from sin, then the issue would be brought before the entire church body. I was terrified! I figured it would drive him away for sure.

But my pastor reminded us all that:
1. We need to follow scripture.
2. The idea behind the steps in Matthew 18 are to apply peer pressure, in an ever growing amount, to try to show him that his sinful behavior would only lead to destruction. I think that was the best description for me. When I thought of it as "peer pressure" I was better able to understand the process. It is not just about sending "bible guys" to confront your WH and shake their fingers at him. It is sending his peers to talk to him, to confront him, to lovingly chastise him. But if the

Wow, I feel incredibly blessed to have come across this thread. If the husband in question were to just read these posts, much of the issue would come into perspective.

Bringing friends into the fold to intervene seems warranted. I would not suggest going behind his back and investigating...maybe, while with a kind third party...ask him if he's having an affair. Ask him what's going on with him. Maybe ask him for permission to investigate, in front of a third party, before you do.

Really try to understand him. Repeat the things he says, even if they are attacks. Don't defend yourself. Allow the layers to peel off...he'll blame you, sex, God, everything...until the truth starts coming out. Just keep repeating, keep repeating, rephrasing and understanding.

Is there a way to make him feel accepted and loved no matter what the truth is?

It does not sound like he's having a spiritual crisis with regard to questioning the church...if he were going through that, he would likely be able to separate moral and ethical behavior from contentions with organized religion. Also, I believe that God loves our curious and questioning nature, and sometimes we need to seek beyond our geographically determined religions. We can remember the concepts of the "inner" and the "outer" church, with love=God as our beacon.

Nevertheless, it sounds like your husband is still with the church in his heart, which is likely why he is running.

He must need to cry but can't.
Or he feels trapped and sees no way out.
Or his decisions have wrapped around him to the point where he can't breathe anymore, so he is blaming and not looking at himself.

Thank you for sharing here. Wishing you strength, courage, and God's blessings.

Sincerely,
D--

D--, it wouldn't be effective for her to openly investigate him; that would defeat the purpose. In order to find out the truth, she would need to investigate behind his back without his knowledge. Otherwise, she isn't going to get to the truth. It is futile to ask a WS if they are having an affair, because they are not likely to bust themselves. And she needs to find out the truth in order to save her marriage.


What God is expects is that we will abide by his word in the Bible in these situations. And fortunately, he tells us his expectations in matters of sin. Thanks for your point of view.

wow... you all are a wonderful group of people!

I will continue to pray, please pray for me and this whole situation.