I went away for five days to hopefully give my W some time to come to her senses. When we are apart, she seems to respond to my absence -- realize that she loves me (or so she says) and worry that I my not love her anymore. This time, she really acted as if she missed me and told me that she thought she was ready to work it out. I told her that I would walk forver if she evere slept with another man. That I was going to make a stand there and then. No going back. No more bull****. She agreed to the rules. <P>We spent the weekend together. The OM phoned on day 1 and said that unless she was committed to him 100%, he was history (he does this alot). By day 2, my W started getting resentful of my presence. By the morning of day 3 she told me she felt like she was in prison, that she felt I was watching her. That she wasn't sure if she wanted me anymore (again). I walked away.<P>This morning, two days later, she was back calling and calling, visiting me at work to see if I still loved her, desperate for a sign. I caved in.<P>Tonight, he is sleeping at her house. I phoned and she said he wasn't there, but I just drove by and his car is there and the lights out. He's back. <P>What do I do now? She knew the rules. It is obviously more important to sleep with him than to risk losing me, or does she think I'm not serious -- after 6 months and a dozen of these "it's over with him, take me back" episodes?<P>What happens tomorrow morning? Do I pretend I know nothing and continue with the charade -- she keeps saying that she is going to make a decision, but none is forthcoming? Or do I really walk? And if so, make it forever? I don't want it to be but I can't go on like this. I don't want to play games, but I know that in my heart I would still take her back if she honestly decided to rebuild our marriage. But how do I know when she is being honest with me? How long do I stay away or what sign do I wait for or should I just go for good? How do you know when they really get it? <p>[This message has been edited by BigDaddy (edited October 06, 1999).]

Reading posts like these make me sad. Not only because it reminds me of my situation, but because it reminds me of the world we live in. Gone are the days of true loyalty and truth, in are the days of get what you can and if it's not enough look elsewhere.<P>Some people, including some here, have found a way to rekindle the values and truths of old. Others, like myself, are still searching.<P>Gut check Bigdaddy, do you still love her? You sound diconnected. Are you familiar with Plan B, maybe a possible solution. good luck

I'm sorry. <P>Never take a drastic action unless you are sure that that's what you really want - forever.<P>Do you love her still? Can you wait it out? There's still possibility. As long as there is love, there is still hope.<P>Plan B is a good choice if you're ready. It will protect you from the pain as she waffles back and forth. But it takes strength and restraint as well. <P>I'm not a fan of ultamatums. I think I'd have to eat my words way too much and lose my credibility. I'm more a "just do it" kind of person. Only you can decide when YOU'VE had enough. You'll know when. <P>During the fantasy of an affair, there IS confusion and hurt, for all parties. You have to decide how much you can deal with before the love you have for her is gone.<P>Best of luck to you. <P>Lori

I agree with lostva and Paul. Plan B seems to be a good option at this point. It protects you from her inability to end the affair at this time, (It will eventually end on it's own - usually) and protects what is left in the lovebank by removing opportunities for lovebusters (like demands, ie: ultimatums.)<P>Ultimatums are good for short lived results. We give them for responses, and we usually get them. But we don't always see sincerity behind the person who is motivated by an ultimatum.<P>On the first page of the marriage builders site, there is a newsletter about plan A and plan B. Check it out.

Thanks for the advice. I am so torn between what I want this minute and what I want in the long term. I still love her dearly, but I am in agony knowing that he is back again, that he just won't leave. That she is a slave to her "desire" for him when he is not around, while I am simply missed. <P>I just wish I knew a way to win her back without the pain, without any more waiting. I feel as lost today as I did six, nearly seven months ago. When we are together, she always speaks about the future we will share. But then a day or even hours later she is back with him. What does she really want? She often, out of the blue, tells me that she is sorry for my pain. But then, back to him. Am I just kidding myself?

You are not kidding yourself. In fact, you are seeing the light, I think.<P>She is probably sorry for your pain, but is just still too deep "in" to let go just yet. When my H found out about my affair, we didn't know about Plan-anything. He stayed three weeks and then moved out. Kind of his own plan b. But I'll tell you what... it opened my eyes BIG TIME to have him gone. We'd been married for 19 yrs. and had never spent more than two nights away from eachother. Even thought I had been so lonely without him (he works 14 hr. days/nights) it was NOTHING like being totally without him. He was home within three weeks (what a lot of $$ spent to show me the truth, but worth it!). I have never regretted ending it with the OM but I did go through withdrawls. I've got to say though, when it was over for good, it was OVER FOR GOOD in my mind. And the desire left me JUST LIKE THAT! I think I was lucky because my affair was very short (3 months) and the withdrawls lasted about as long. <P>All I know is this: I have a love for my husband that is so STRONG right now, and I have HOPE that I thought I'd lost. Your W still thinks she can have it all... that's the sad truth of it. I do think she loves you if she recognizes the pain, and that is hopeful.<P>I wish you loads of blessings...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>