This is my first posting here. I just found out last week that my husband has been having an affair for the last three months. He actually told me because he felt so horrible and guilty. Unfortunately, this is his second affair in 3 years. I know now that I did not ever truly get over the first one and that we had no real plan to move forward. It was more of a feeling of let's forget it happened and move on. So, in fact, we never did move on but stayed in the same place in our marriage - husband unhappy with our lack of intimacy, feeling no connection with me. Me feeling no connection with him and so withholding intimacy. It's like a lightbulb just went on but it may be too late...

We are going to marriage counseling starting tomorrow (had set up the appt. even before finding out about the affair). He says his hopes are that we can work it out. I do still love him but struggle with infidelity as a moral issue as well. I'm just not sure what to do. Part of the problem is that he refuses to give up contact with his lover until he decides our marriage can move forward. How can a man fall in love that much with someone within 3 months? I know in my heart that our marriage cannot move forward unless she is out of the picture. This is really holding me back and I know for the past week that I have been very negative and have brought up divorce quite a few times. I am seeing now how counterproductive this is..

Is now the time to start Plan A? If so, how do I start doing this? I really need advice.. help, please!!!

Yes, plan A now. Read up on the links up at the top of the page (Dr. Harley's basic concepts, Q&A Columns, Articles). What are his top 5 emotional needs. Figure that out and work to start meeting them. Cut out all love busting behavior. But part of this is standing up for yourself. DO NOT ALLOW YOUR HUSBAND TO REMAIN IN CONTACT WITH THE OTHER WOMAN! This will only prevent you from recovering. If you decide to stay with him, this is the most important thing that needs to happen. He is likely addicted to the OW, so you need to set up ways of checking on him to ensure he has ended all contact with the OW, and hasn't just gone further underground.

Repost this on the GQII forum for more input.

Thanks for the reply.. I have told him that I feel we cannot move forward if he still has contact with her. He understand this but still seems to want a "guarantee" that we are going to work..I do believe that he is addicted to her. The A has not been going on long enough to be anything more meaningful. He's definately a "fence rider".

My understanding of plan A is for me to start trying to meet his emotional needs while trying to "negotiate with him" to end the affair - no demands, angry outbursts, etc. Give myself a time limit of doing this and if he hasn't cut off his relationship with her then, I move to Plan B and remove myself from the relationship.

You are right.. the first step for me is to cut out all love busting behavior (I've been failing miserably since the bomb dropped), secondly define his top 5 needs. I know number one is physical intimacy - this is the one that the ow is meeting. I'm going to work on the others, continuing to meet those.