We are recovering from my husbands affair. It took place in 2005. We had a minor setback last week that has brought up issues of trust.
We want to keep moving forward, however I find it difficult to completly trust him, and I find it exahausting to keep living in "stealth" mode...lurking, sneaking, and watching his every move.
We are looking for ideas as to how he can rebuild trust with me. He has agreed to be more open and honest about everything in his day. However, he admits this is difficult for him.
Does anyone have any suggestions that can help us to achieve trust again?? Anything that has worked for you??
THANKS!!!!

Trust is nothing more the expectation of a future behavior that is based on past actions.

The concept is so simple that it almost defies explanation. I might suggest to you that trust is earned and never gifted. The process of earning someone’s trust takes a considerable amount of time. That is why Harley’s concept of “radical honesty” is so powerful; it allows for trust to be earned in the shortest possible amount of time and even at that, it may take years. As everyone who visits these pages has discovered, trust is extremely fragile; one false move, one lie and it’s GONE.

In your case your husband broke that bond of trust when he engaged in an act of infidelity. Although I have not read your story, I assume that he has done many things to “right” this terrible “wrong” and indeed, he may have been making great strides to reconnect to you. As each day passes without incident, you begin to develop “expectations” that he will continue to remain steady and true. These are the building blocks of “trust”. As his loving and honest behaviors continue so too does your trust in him increase. Most all of Harley’s approach supports and assists in the building of trust.

I have already mentioned the concept of radical honesty being a trust builder but that is certainly not all. Think of how the transparency of a wayward spouse builds trust. You mention that you have grown tired of operating in “stealth” mode. Indeed, you cannot live your life in constant “stealth” mode. It is up to your husband to extend to you a “transparent” persona that allows you to easily and continually view who he really is. Transparency builds trust.

Consider the following illustration. If each Sunday morning for the past ten years when you wake up your husband has a cup of hot coffee waiting for you then you would expect that next Sunday morning would be no different. You “trust” that your hot cup of coffee will there, just like every Sunday. If however, your husband fails to have your coffee waiting then you would undoubtedly be surprised and likely confused. It would take many more consecutive Sunday’s with coffee before you could once again “trust” the certainty of Sunday coffee. Your husband’s and your stitch is no different.

You have asked the question, “What works for you?”

What works for me is likely the same thing that works for everyone and that is, your wayward spouse must sail the ship, with you, in a straight line, every day, all day. The ports of call are mutually agreed to and the ship’s manifest is always open ready for inspection. That is how trust is built. Time will do the rest so have patience.

Mr. G

He holds the ball on this one. He must take the initiatives.

Does he not disclose things about his day because he is not a talker or because he does not want to face your reaction to the information?

Also, I think it would be unreasonable for him to expect you to completely trust him...2005 is recent. It generally takes a LONG time: several years.

If he is just not a talker, then create a situation that encourages conversation and make it a regular ritual. For example, go to bed twenty minutes earlier (no kids, no distractions, no tv, etc.) and message his feet while he chit chats about his day....then switch. Meet for lunch.

If he doesnt want to face your reaction, ask him what reaction puts him off and why? (Do you love bust, do you start "investigating" and turning the conversation into an interogation, etc.). Then consider having him read up on CA (conflict avoidance), and make sure not to Love Bust when you hear unpleasant stuff.

By the way, he needs to be patient and proactive about it to really make progress. He made this mess and needs to help guide you through it!!

It takes about 2 years to trust again, and that is if he is being open and honest, and there is no sneaky behavior. I would completely stop watching his every move. Instead I would get a GPS and install it in his car. Then you will know where he goes, and if there is anything to worry about.

Once you are satisfied that everything is on the up and up, you won't find it hard to trust him. You will have peace of mind, and can move on with your marriage.