It has been 8 weeks since D-Day. My WH has not had contact, seems truly sorry and wants to renew our marriage. I cannot stop thinking about the text messages I read, what they did together, where they went etc...
How do I get these thoughts out of my head? I am consumed by them. Do I ask? Or just let it go and work on the marriage?

Any advice is greatly appreciated and needed.

four, good for you on NC!!! I haven't gotten there yet. but IMHO you need to discuss these feelings with WH to get over them, he has to be part of that process, are you in MC? what does your counselor say, is MC a MB supporter??

are you sure there is NC? have you trusted but verified??
read any of the harley books??

post some more info on your sitch.

You don't just let it go. If you haven't read Surviving An Affair, do so..together.

Set aside set times (for a limited amount of minutes each) when you are free to ask for whatever details you want to know about and he needs to be willing to answer all your questions with radical honesty.

Read together the Four Rules for a Successful Marriage on the site.

After you have asked all the questions you can think of and received honest answers then at some point the questions need to stop and then you shouldn't bring it up again....but that can take some time. Eventually, the compulsive thought end and lose the power they hold on your mind. This is as long as all the other actions are in line with recovery.

If possible get the MB home study course and do it together. SAA book mentioned above comes with that.

TF,

It depends on what you will need to move on.

Radical Honesty to me was a necessary component. You will probably get feedback from different people as to what you should know. Some say he had an A was good enough for them others say they wanted to know everything.

My advice is take what is consuming you and then make a list of what you want to know.

Then compare that list to what you think you can live with knowing.

I equate it to a movie that will be playing over and over in your head. Do not put scenes in there you cannot deal with.

I would also suggest sessions with a MC or SH as soon as possible.

Welcome to MB sorry you are here.

the4,

This is called "obsessing" and, unfortunately for we BSs, is very normal. 8 weeks out is very early in the process and the thoughts are fresh and in full color to you. Time will dull the thoughts some.

I was obsessing, with the movies in my head and my imagination running wild. I'm afraid this must run it's course. I am over two years since Dday and still lay next to her thinking those thoughts at times. But they are not at all as gut-wrenching/heart breaking like they were at first.

There are tricks like putting a rubber band on your wrist and snapping it when your thoughts stray in that direction. Picture a big STOP sign in your head and go to that when the movies start. Keep busy with other things to occupy your mind.

You can ask, if you want. Ask what? The details? Think real hard about wanting to know the details. It helps some people and makes it worse for others.

Sorry to say it is all part of the dealio. Stay strong, take care of yourself, get enough sleep, keep the booze to a minimum, exercise, etc, etc.

How about when the thoughts enter your head you go to your WH and slap his face as hard as you can? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Or give him a big sloppy kiss?

I did discuss this with FWW and our MC and was told that the obsessing was not positively helping the rebuilding of our M and was a negative thing. Like I was reveling in my dispair. (if that makes any sense) So when I found myself obsessing I told myself how negative this was to my marriage and the images and movies slowly faded.

But not entirely.

krk

I have asked if there has been contact and he says No. I have also been checking his phone and e-mail.
We are not in MC. I have read Surving and Affair, he has not. Do you think he should?
I feel the same way that I need to talk to WH about these thoughts, I am worried he will think I am trying to make him feel guilty.

Thank you for your advice, especially the slapping part <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You are supposed to be consumed by them. Imagine that your son just died. The way you would deal with this trauma is to think about it endlessly. That is part of recovery. I takes anywhere from 12 to 24 months to recover, provided that your H is open and honest with you and does the necessary things to rebuild trust.


He should feel guilty. That a consequence of wrongdoing.

Welcome to our forum, sorry you are here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice.

I am wondering if we need to move. He swears it is over, will not have contact. But how do I deal with the thought of living near the OW.

Also, he never wrote a NC letter. He just says it is over and she won't try to call. The last text I read that he wrote her was "I love you" that was the last thing said. Is it too late to write a letter, it has been 8 weeks.

I feel that the relationship is just hanging out there to be rekindled. Should he still write a letter even though it has been 8 weeks?

i would ask him to write the NC letter, it is a good will gesture to you that will help you recover. It should be written together and mailed by you.

Is the OW and if so, have you told her H about the affair?

How close do you live to the OW? Do yall have to see her often? How long have you been married? Any kids? Can you give some background info?

Dr. Harley's (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she&#65533;s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

OW is not married.

She lives about 3 miles from us. They used to work together.

thank you for the letter.