In my ignorant opinion, it's too soon to conclude that he's not interested, although it's probably time to start figuring he's not completely head-over-heels about you.

In any case, though, I think it's always a good idea to try to avoid getting psyched up. That sort of thing seems to happen by itself and far too quickly. So making a deliberate effort to govern one's hopes is not likely to be harmful.

Interesting GNP, at first I thought he might be too interested too quickly.

The getting psyched up part...at this point I'll need get a little psyched up or I'll just not have any interest. I don't want to email him, either he's going to get moving or he's not, I won't prod.

I've got to admit though, this makes me wonder if I'm a bad judge of people. I really don't think I am & I felt I read his initial, or stated level of interest, well. Who knows, perhaps someone more interesting came along or he tends to gush at first or maybe he's a bit of a player.

I'm looking on match & have emailed a couple of guys over the last couple of days...guess I'll just wait & see...

I think there's a lot more people in this country with ADD then we realize! lol

People don't feel "chemistry" right off the bat and they're off and running. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Why not?


What does that mean?


OK, so given this, combined with you going out with another guy last week - how is that any different than what you are accusing him of?

Maybe I don't understand "player", but you had one date with him (right?), now you are contacting and dating others, yet wondering is he is a player? Kettle, is that you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

BTW, just to reiterate what Gnome said - I was on a second date on Saturday, and have not been in touch with her since then. It does not make me a player, I just need time to think and process, instead of falling into my usual obsession of "are we an item?" after two dates. Maybe your guy is in the same boat. I dunno <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. But there is nothing wrong with that, IMO.

AGG

maybe he is thinking you aren't interested as well.. you said he could call the other night then you didn't answer the phone. what is he supposed to think after that? did you ever email him and say "sorry i missed your call, i had dozed off and saw in the morning you had called" something as simple as that.

i wouldn't write it all off yet.... probably a case of miscommunication or misconceptions. i am so glad i am past having to over think things in the dating world... it can drive you crazy. i've been dating gekko long enough now that i don't have to over think, i can just state it and so can he. thank goodness!

good luck...
mlhb

It sure can and I wish I was where you were at, mlhb! I still somewhat resent Mr. 11 weeks for not being the one because I'd made up my mind to go for it with him and I haven't gotten to that place again with anyone new.
I'm communicating with several guys on line - no dates yet, probably as much because I'm dragging my feet as anything. I've gotten somewhat used to the scenario that someone seems interested, then abruptly disappears. Some reappear and some don't.

There's a saying in 12-step programs, "you spot it, you've got it". Like AGG said, I have to watch myself for accusing others of what I'm doing myself. I'm definitely keeping my options open and waiting to see how interested they are before I make any overtures. I also just plain want them to be interested, whether I am or not, to assuage my insecurity!

I hear all the advice to give it time, but with so many people out there in internet land, if there's not some kind of chemistry pretty early, it's hard to know when to hold and when to fold... I keep looking for that indefinable something that tells us that this one might be the one.

Anyway, nams, it's impossible to know the reasons for someone's behavior, though you've gotten several good guesses from others. I say do what feels right to you, contact him or wait and see. It's so easy to get discouraged in this process and so hard to believe that Mr. or Ms. Right will come along when they're supposed to.

I wouldn't be thinking along these lines if this man hadn't seemed so interested. He made many comments letting me know how much he enjoyed our date, emailed as soon as he got home saying the same, called the next day, on & on.

Yes, I did email him to apologize for not answering the phone, he said fine & we went back & forth with a couple of emails with him saying he'd call.

The only reason I say a bit of a player, AGG, is why pour on the charm & the compliments unless he really feels that way. Maybe just to keep me on the back burner wondering.

Had he not been so, what appeared to be obviously interested with the intense level of contact, I'd not be wondering what's up. I wouldn't question the time between dates or contact.

I don't know...maybe I'll email him, see how he's doing.

This feels a little like game playing & I do so hate that.

I understand, nams, and I would probably feel the same way - but it doesn't make it right <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

There is nothing wrong with being nice and pouring it on on a date - it's called being attentive. If he didn't, you'd probably come back saying "he's not into me".

The fact that he went a little cooler does not make him player - perhaps he actually has a life outside of dating. And still, why is he a player if you are out dating others? I don't get it, really.

I am not saying you are wrong to date others, I think it is the right thing. But it seems that you are holding him to a higher standard than yourself - like "well, since he's not calling me, I am going to go on dates because he is a player". He may well be thinking "well, we had such a nice time last week, but now she is dating and contacting others, she might be a player". Right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

nams, are you sure that you are dating with the right frame of mind? you are way too negative assuming and way too interpretive of other's actions and behaviors. . .

way too much

wiftty

You know, I think I'm confused & that's what making me wonder what's up.

I don't want to be analyzing this man's behavior but I don't understand it. I get putting on the date face. I too want time to absorb the contact & see what more I might want.

The man fairly gushed as we left the restaurant & was very attentive & full of praise & sweetness for several days after, then, nothing. This behavior confuses me that's why I'm asking questions wondering why.

As I said I'm on the fence. If he calls or sends an email fairly soon I'll still may have some interest but if not I've got to wonder what was all that initial gushing was about.

Ok, here's what I think I've figured out:

I don't understand J's behavior & I'm disappointed in the situation & in myself.

I don't understand his show of enthusiasm & intensity of contact if it weren't honestly felt. Especially since this was something we'd talked about.

I'm disappointed in myself for not recognizing he may have just been putting on his date face.

As far as contacting & dating others, that's not at all a problem for either of us & something I'd expect both of us to do while we test out dating. Because I enjoyed the date & liked him, I'm also disappointed he has dropped away. Even though I had some things up front I wasn't sure about, I still wanted more time to see what might have developed.

The reason I don't want to contact him is he said he'd call me & if he doesn't want to than that's OK. Because I'm on the fence, his behavior has tended to put me on the less receptive side & I think wait it best to just keep looking & let this one go.

Hmmm, maybe he felt that you were on the fence, and decided not to push it too much?

I keep getting the feeling that you are upset that he was charming on the date, but did not subsequently pursue, even though you yourself seemed ambivalent. It seems that you would prefer to be in the driver's seat, i.e. him pursuing you while you are deciding if you want to date him or not. That may be an ego boost, but in reality, it is OK for him to be unsure too, and not pursue you any more than you pursue him (or don't). Especially because I bet he can tell that you are on the fence.

I, personally, do not pursue women who seem to be on the fence. BTDT, not again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Maybe you can swallow your "pride" and give him a call?

AGG

Very interesting AGG! Perhaps I did give the impression I was on the fence. I certainly am not conscious of wanting "to be in the driver's seat". If I am acting in such away, I don't want to, that's not fair or nice. I would not want an ego boost at another's expense.

He absolutely has the right to be uncertain & not pursue me. It was the initial burst of enthusiasm, attention & seeming compatibility he expressed which threw me when he hasn't returned contact. Is that my pride being hurt? Maybe.

"Swallow my pride" & give him a call. This is an interesting view too. I see this situation as me being disappointed by his initial enthusiasm then lack thereof & my not wanting to pursue because I did have some initial misgivings which I could now give more weight to given the circumstances. Excuses? Maybe.

Good gawd, this dating stuff is lots of effort. No wonder I take time off between subscriptions to dating sites.

Thanks wiftty, for putting in your two cents.

Yeah, I think it's mostly pride & fear of being hurt that's keeping me from contacting J.

nams, I think fear is always the biggest issue for all of us. I don't get the feeling from you that you're being too controlling, but maybe that's because I relate to you too much in all this! Mr. 11 weeks and I discussed the importance of honesty from the beginning because his XW left a month after my XH left me for MOW and moved in with an XBF. Nevertheless, he ended up dumping me suddenly to get married to the XGF he continuously insisted he'd never get back together with. It's the issue of trust - the same issue you're having with J, just farther down the road.

I beat myself up, even though I sensed what was happening before he admitted to it - to me? to himself? I'll never know. We're not mind readers and I think what it comes down to is that there are significant emotional risks in this process. We've all suffered heartache before or we wouldn't be here. Heck, we probably wouldn't be alive since everyone's heart gets broken at least once. We can choose to be alone the rest of our lives or we can take the risks inherent in this process.

I guess all I'm saying is not to be too hard on yourself. Pat yourself on the back for getting out there and trying. I had so hoped that Mr. 11 weeks would be the one so I wouldn't have to go through all this anymore. Instead, my heart got broken and I'm still not 100% over it in that I still compare new guys I meet to my memory of him. That's why I'm taking it very slowly. I'm talking to one guy on-line who's willing to let me sit on the fence for now and he may regret it someday and avoid it in the future as AGG says he does now. I don't want to hurt anyone else or to be hurt, but unfortunately the usual scenario is that one person cares more than the other one... If anyone has a foolproof way to prevent this, I'm sure we'd all love to know it!

I agree that one always give more that the other….this could be because we give in different ways. I believe that it is better to give a ton and get a lot back than give little and get nothing back. In last 4 month thing I did give a ton and I got….a break up….still not sure why but yeah…..I know I tried….I got hurt but still it is better than thinking what if I did more or this or that….

Nams the hard work….5 months ago I was single as can be, my work mate had loads of trouble with GF and came to talk to me about some of the really small issues, I told him yeah….the biggest stress I have is to decide what type of gun I should use in Counter strike pc game. We did laugh about it as the issues were small. Then I met 4 month….then started….who has to phone who, how many times you have to phone….and it just gets more more. So relationships are work until the end of our days. Saying this it is still a great feeling falling in love.

Van

I know you're right Van, the work is worth it.

Here's another thought: Because J was so enthusiastic I was getting carried away with his momentum which helped to minimize the little stuff that I thought might bother me. When he stopped contact I felt let down but at the same time took another look at the small stuff.

Either way this little adventure in dating appears to have run its tiny course.

Back to Match. There is a guy on Chemistry...

Is the Chemistry a separate subscription, or is it part of Match?

I, too am living vicariously. Maybe this spring, I'll get the nerve to test the waters.