What is it about some divorced women (okay, many of them) that makes them say that they're single (online) instead of divorced? My WW had put that on her profiles and such after she left (she's now 'in a relationship,' *snicker* as if she knows what that means!) and many, many divorced women I know show themselves as single.

What is up with that? That's, well, insincere, IMHO. If you're divorced, say it up front. It doesn't matter to me... I treat 'divorced' almost the same as 'single.' The only difference is that I know the person has gone through a D, and thus I have to approach the situation slightly different.

Is it such a huge taboo to be divorced that people hide it so readily? Do men tend to do this, also?

I guess I would probably be one to identify myself more as "single" than "divorced".

Why?

I think its the feminist in me that doesn't like to be defined by marriage status. I refused (and was quite irritated by) anyone calling me MRS. even while happily married.

And now? I'm single. I'm not ashamed of being divorced -- nor do I hide any previous relationships. I just don't define myself by that one issue. And I think the label "divorced" implies that relationship has more definition to my life than any other. Why not "oldest daughter"? Why not "first granchild"? Those relationship probably had more to do with forming who I am than whether or not I was ever married....

i just think of it this way: if i am not married, i am single. i don't feel the need to advertise "divorced". i am not married, so i'm single.

pretty simple. that's just how i see it. no big psychology behind it, no ulterior motive. i don't use dating sites but if i did i would probably put single.

mlhb

Well, we know that there are plenty of men out there who label themselves "Single" when they are really "Married," don't we? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I don't understand the purpose of the Divorced designation either. I could understand it better on a service oriented toward fundamentalist Christians, where this would likely be an important consideration, but I don't think that's the market which most of these online dating services are aiming for. I suppose the distinction is just a leftover relic of the days when being divorced held more stigma; but it is really just a subset of Single.

On the other hand, when I'm given the option to select either, I choose to go with the more precise answer. There's less danger that way that anyone will later wonder what I am trying to hide - and why. And of course it goes the other way too. If I were to learn that someone was being unnecessarily vague about their past, I would wonder about it. (There are contexts in which it may be appropriate to say "It's none of your business" and just check the "Single" box. But in my opinion, dating is not one of these contexts.)

I had a conversation about this with my cousin/bestfriend who uses online dating. She's divorced. She says most divorced women will put single because putting divorced designates "baggage" right away. I joked that she should put "spirited" and "unpredictable" instead of what she is - "crazy".

Anyway the point is, I see my cousin's point, esp w women. If i were doing that I would list myself as single. Then when you meet someone, during those getting to know conversations you answer questions asked to you honestly. We all judge people, regardless of how nice or open minded we are. I think you should list yourself as single whether male or female and when you get to know someone they can find out if you have children or are divorced or killed a guy.

If I were to be on a dating site, I too would consider myself "single" because I am not married.

Well, this is a good point, but it strikes me as a way of hiding the truth of the matter. I guess some people would see 'divorced' and think 'avoid,' but I just see it as a sign of previous experience, so to speak.

Honestly, I'd like to know these sorts of things in advance. And, I don't see any point in from others the fact that I'm divorced. But, that could just be because of the type of person I am.

Eh, I wonder if being so up-front about that is actually hurting my chances.

ive never internet dated but i have "checked" out the hot babes profiles.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

never thought about it till now....

sub-consciencly i would avoid the ones that say "single" with kids and in mid 30's....or maybe even "single" in the late 30's....i would be wondering "whats this chicks problem"???

divorced is more REALISTIC and this might go along with why i never tried the internet...i think women are more self conscience about this than men...

its all smoke n mirrors....

If you ask me, I would think that saying I am divorced would, would make you wonder if the other person isn't really thinking that you are damaged goods... you tried to be married but you just weren't good enough at it to stay married.

Single on the other hand, would almost say that you just haven't found that special person yet.

I dunno... That may be OK for a 30 yo, but gets a little lame coming from someone in their late 40's.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

I agree with AGG - single in late forties is definitely lame. Most likely something wrong with the single person at that age.

And I am not saying there are not exceptions.

V.

But what about the term 'single mother'?

I don't think being single in your late 40s is lame. It's the truth. Sometimes I say I'm single. Sometimes I say I'm divorced. Aren't there really only 2 marital statuses......married and not married....or is that single and not single?

Why not consider them synonymous?

I never said it was. I was only addressing the "never married" late 40's, whose excuse was "I haven't yet found the right wo/man". It's the excuse that I considered lame, not the state of being.

AGG

Ok - so let's say you are D...BUT, you put S on your profile.

You start conversing with someone and they say - so you have never been M???? Why? Then you have to studder around, and say, yes, I was M, but got D...To me, that's alittle deceptive saying you are S..IMHO the title S, represents never M. Though, that's just my interpertation...of SINGLE....

And at almost the big 5 0 - I think if I told someone I was S--they would think something was very wrong with me.hmmm, being D a couple of times now, maybe there is something wrong with ME...

Hugs

I would just say that I'm D'd.I was single once but then I got married and then I got divorced.It was a life process.

And after having been through D I do have an even better appreciation for what people like us go through so I don't hold any preconceptions about it.I used to think of being D'd as embarrassing,like they just didn't get it right.I felt proud to be married.But now,I know that even the best of us do sometimes have to go through it to no fault of our own,really.I don't think about it as being a strike against another except if they cheated or abused their spouse,etc.I would not date a former cheater or abuser.

I also recognize the huge amount of pain involved with a D so I would be even more sypmathetic to those who went through it.At least you have "been there done that", considering dating a person who is still single in their late 30's or 40's would send off alarm bells.

I remember how I once felt when my sister was dating a guy that was recently divorced... I thought as many probably do that he was almost damaged goods, until I really gave him a chance as they got more and more serious as time went on. I think that there is a very bad misconception around people who are divorced. I think that people who are married, often for their first time, do not understand how things can come to that. I was sitting in church 2 weeks ago, listening to the pastor call all people who divorce a bunch of quitters, saying they were weak and just didn't want to try to make it work. I got up and walked out, what happened to me sucked, and I walked out because I see what I did by leaving as anything but weak.

Married people, at least the ones I know, like to cast judgement on those outside looking in at them. Like some kind of members only club. Being on the outside now, I now understand just how cold judgements like that can really be.

Dating services, I would see someone who says single instead of divorced, would be almost ashamed of the fact they divorced. There is just a level of understanding I have come to appreciate for those other people out there who did nothing wrong, and one shouldn't be ashamed of telling the truth, unless they have something to hide.

That's a tough call for me. I don't know what I would put, but I agree with the notion that men are more likely to put divorced than women. Men prolly just don't care and lay it out there. In my case, I would very much like to have a relationship should I be divorced (which is imminent for me).

I was 15 yrs old when I met my wife, and I've been with her all of my life. I'm now 33 and divorcing because she had an affair with a coworker, got caught on video, refuses to give it up, and her parents flew out to make choose M or D. She chose D...tonight. So, I'm proud that I was married, that I tried, that I chose to value the relationship with my wife even after I learned the truth, that I never gave up, and that torturous months I've been through changed me forever.

I will make someone a wonderful partner, and can't help but think that's a bonus. Someday I may say "I'm divorced, but I still believe in marriage".

I consider myself divorced. I was on a dating site and put down divorced. For I want the man to know right away that I was married....and yes there is baggage....but many divorced people have a good set of values and have put the baggage in a box and put it on the shelf. Yes...you will have to take the box down once in awhile....for there will be many ?'s to answer. I was totally embarrassed at first....hating that I was divorced after 25 years of marriage. I didn't want to state this whenever I had conversation with anyone. Now, I know the divorce was not my fault totally...it was a equal part....and the two partners had conflict.

To hide the divorce is to say that you are embarrassed....same goes with men. I was on a dating site and yes...many men put single....and then after talking find out they were married....or are still married. Just my thought and radical honesty.