Does anyone have a link to a study that shows that children are better off in a two parent home even if the parents are "unhappily married"?

~ Marsh

I have a link to a really good article at home, but this one has a lot to say. The effects of Divorce on children and families

What are your thoughts on giving a copy of this article to WS?

Thank you very much.

If you're able to post the other link for me later on, I'd appreciate it.

~ Marsh

Hey marsh--
What does unhappily married mean?

I read the article (which I like by the way) but feel horribly labeled by it now being divorced by no fault of my own. The only way i could have had my M work is if I accepted an active WS in my home. And to me, as a mother of three boys, I could not let them see a man treat a woman and hi family like that.
I never wanted to be divorced, but if unhappily means staying while your spouse continually has A's and doesn't ever repent, then I can't see how that would be good. God calls us to sacrifial love, but I don't think that is what he meant. I wish the author had mentioned the A factor and its effect when it goes unrepented.

As for how it will effect your WH, I don't know. I used to send all stuff to my WH in the beginning. But he was fogged out (still is) so came up with a rationalization for everything, even to say God told him it was okay.

But, I guess it can;t hurt. I;ll pray for your family and try to read your thread.
Intexas

Good question.

I read on here somewhere about a study like this.

I don't think it meant an abusive situation.

~ Marsh

I think the author was meaning when EN's are not being met, not adultery or abuse. You did nothing wrong, intexas. Nothing.

Thanks.
I am still instantly brought to tears the moment I hear what effects divorce can have on my boys. I doubt it will ever stop being a sore spot with me. Even reading the article brought tears to my eyes.
What helps me the most--knowing they are God's kids even before they are my own. And He's got their back.
Much Love,
Intexas
and p.s.--sorry if I was sounding defenseful in my first post, like I said, it's a sensitive spot for me.

((((InTexas))))

~ Marsh

Marsh,

everything ok??

Oh yes.

Thank you for asking. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I was just talking to a friend of mine about this. She was of the opinion that D was better for the children if the parents weren't happy together. And I thought I read where Mr. W talked about a study that disproved this idea.

~ Marsh

I'm glad to hear this. You had me worried. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

D sucks all around or atleast the need for D.

I just wish people would be better to each other.

THere is a study - Believer posted it again recently. I'll try and find the link Marsh.

It basically shows that couples who persevere generally outlast their problems - are happier 5 years down the road than if they divorced.

Marsh:
I have a GREAT book that I would HIGHLY recommend..."The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" by Dr. Judith Wallerstein. She conducted at 25 year longitudinal study of families who were happily married, high conflict but remained married, high conflict and divorced, and low conflict and divorced. She concludes that children are almost ALWAYS better off if parents remain married, except in cases of abuse, etc....but that's way too simplistic so please find out more for yourself. This book is fascinating, and very easy to read. Lots of anecdotal information mixed in and very well-written.

When I read it, I thought of the people I knew who were children of divorce and the common traits that she described are SO true.

Big recommendation! I googled her name as well, and it looks like there's a lot of stuff that you can find just by looking online.

Good luck with your friend.

intexas, knowing your situation as I do, i believe you did the BEST THING for your boys, HANDS DOWN. Your situation was not only a horrible example for them to see, but I believe would have eventually caused you physical and emotional problems. I was very SCARED for you for a long time and am relieved you removed yourself from that horrible abuse.

I sm AMAZED at how well you were able to protect yourself and your little boys from his abuse. I didn't have 1/10th your strength and good sense when I was your age and seriously doubt I could have risen to the challenge. You made the BEST out of a terrible situation and your boys are lucky to have you for their mom.

Wow, Mel, thanks for the encouragement. I've "looked up" to you from cyberspace for a while, so your comments mean a lot. And to think, in the beginning of all this, you said you were "leaving" my thread! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> because of my not getting it!
Glad you stuck around for the ride. You've been a GREAT help.

Intexas

There is a divorce scenario that I have witnessed more recently as my children were growing up. In fact - my "typical" middle class professional neighborhood is filled with these children.

Here it is:
Couple A get a divorce some years back with 50/50 custody of their child.

Both ex spouses get re-married and create new families including having children with the new spouses.

The child from couple A has to deal with non-related and related step brothers and sisters , but is the only child without a permanent home.

This "lost" child will spend his entire childhood shuttling between two households but never really welcomed by all in either.

In almost all of the situations I have witnessed - this child becomes involved in drugs and/or crime. In fact i know a 18 yo doing 5-10 in a Texas prison for breaking and entering a home. It seems his natural parents were too busy raising their new children to give my attention to their only child. Very sad but predictable.

I would be interested to know if their is a study showing this scenario, impact and outcomes. For one thing certain, our society is paying the cost of divorce in more ways than we imagine.

This makes me cold to the core. I expect that one day my ex and his OW will have children together, and he has been nagging from day one for a 50/50 custody split for our kids...

I will never allow this (the courts won't either, thank goodness). Nor will I marry again whilst my children are still living under my roof. After all they have been through, my children deserve a stable home with me (but with full visitory access to their dad, of course), and they also deserve my undivided attention.

I guess it works for some, but I can't risk a step-parenting situation in my children's lives. Ex and OW have already done that - but at least the kids don't live there.

Alph.

Thanks Big K.

~ Marsh