I have been married to my W for 3 years and 3 months and we have a 2 year old son. I found out 3 weeks ago that my W was having an A with a co-worker. I confronted her that very night because I was so hurt and confused. I found out through an e-mail which really made her angry. Now, 3 weeks later, I am hurting more than I ever have in my life. I, BS, decided right away that I wanted to work this out and stay with my W. She, on the other hand is not sure what she wants and it is killing me.

She says they did not do much with the OP and she called it off with OP before I found out. However, the following week after, she spent many hours on the phone with the OP. I confronted WS and she lied about it. 5 minutes later, she told the truth and that she lied. We talked for a long time and it felt good, but nothing was resolved.

The next week, WS tells me she is so confused, she is not sure what she wants. WS says I was not a good H for the past 2 yeas. Putting a lot of the blame on me. I do agree to a point, that I have not been the best H, but have expressed to WS that I now realize I was not fulfilling many needs for her and the OP starting doing that. I told her I want to be the best H and am ready. WS says "oh, now that I am ready, thatn it is okay...whatt about when she was ready?"

WS says she just does not think all of the effort will do any good and she does not have any energy to do it. She has not left and I do not want her to, but this is killing me.

I told her that communicating with the OP really bothers me, but she says they were friends before all this and she wants to keep the OP as a friend. I know this is bad and that more may be going on still. I just do not know. They text a lot and call once in a while. Not sure about e-mail, but most likely that to. Since WS works with the OP, she sees him often and I hate it. WS loves her job, but she needs to end all w/ the OP.

I need help and do not know what to do. I feel so lost, angry and dissappointed.

178, have you read the site concepts? Click on the link in my sig line and get familiar with Harley's concepts plan A and B. NC (no contact) with the OP (other person) is the only way to truly end the A and get your marriage back on track. Is your WW still working with the OP? If so, I would ask she quit her job. Get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley and read it together. So sorry you find yourself here.

I'm sorry for your situation, but you've come to the right place for help.

Is the OM married?

Have you read up on exposure?

It is the weapon you use to kill the A.

You expose the A to everyone that can put pressure on your WW and OM to end their A.

Don't tell them you're going to do this.

~ Marsh

There are dozens of us here who know just how you feel. Yep, it's ugly. However this site and the books written by the founder of this site can give you a fighting chance to save your marriage.

So far your instincts have been pretty good..there must be NC between the affair partners for life, if your marriage is to succeed.

Read all you can about infidelity beginning at the home page of this website. Purchase and read "surviving an affair" by Dr. Willard Harley.

Know this...you are not alone. There are a host a caring people on this site to help you deal with trying to save your marriage. The site is slower on evenings and slowest on weekends and holidays, so be patient. It's strictly a volunteer board.

So, welcome, sorry, and best wishes,
SD

Yes , WW still works with the OP. I want to tell her to quite, but I know she will just blow up...I am afraid...

Well, the first thing you must do to save your marriage is bust up this affair. They have to end ALL contact. I would let her know that any contact is unacceptable and she needs to leave her job. She cannot turn a lover into a "friend," the relationship has already evolved beyond that. And, if she is really just "friends" then you can ALL be friends and have him over for dinner, right?

So, your goal here is complete and total no contact FOREVER. If she will not agree to this, then you will want to EXPOSE THE affair. Exposure is the most potent weapon against affairs. Affairs thrive on secrecy, and when the light is shined on them it ruins the affair.

Exposure targets are parents,[yours, hers, and the OM] employers, spouses, etc. You should make up a list of good targets, call them up and tell them about the affair. Tell them you love your wife and are trying to save your family. Ask for their support in doing this.

Another good tactic is to confront the OM face to face. Most OM are wussies so this scares the beejezuz out of them. Meet with him and ask him what he wants with your wife.

But first, do some essential reading that will bring you up to speed: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3014240

The OM is not married, he is single and says he loves my W!! get that huh!! I have read the exposure and plan to read more...

Here is the plan you want:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

If she DOES NOT BLOW up, you should be very afraid because that means you are NOT interfering in her affair and you are NOT saving your marriage. No BLOW UP=YOU ARE NOT DOING YOUR JOB! Your marriage can survive some anger, it CANNOT survive an affair. You should be afraid of losing your marriage to an affair.

Expose the heck out of her affair, to her family, friends, HR and boss at work, to OM's family and friends. EVERYONE should know that has an opportunity to put pressure on the A. She'll be pissed as ******. The madder she is, the better exposure worked. She'll be mad that you RUINED her A. She'll get over it in a week or two, and then you'll see how exposure does it's job. Don't be afraid of her. She is counting on that to manipulate you into allowing her to keep her boyfriend on the side.

Same EXACT thing my FWW said to me.

17832ew78 - You have not given us enough information yet to be able to do much more than speak in generalities. So if you feel up to it why not tell us as much as you can about your situation and your marriage.




No doubt she was angry. Her nefarious activities have been "found out," and adultery LIKES secrecy, needs secrecy, and "flourish" withour secrecy.

But WHAT was in the email? What did it describe? An emotional affair? A physcial affair?



No surprise here. Straight out the "Affair 101 Textbook." Your wife would not be having an affair of any kind if she was "sure." You must remember that affairs are ALL about selfishness and self-centeredness, not love.




Lying is a REQUIREMENT for adultery(page 1 of the handbook), so please understand that you WILL be told lies, half-truths, and get outright denials AS LONG AS SHE IS INVOLVED IN AN AFFAIR. Do NOT believe anything she tells you without verification.




Rubbish. Read again what I posted above. She is lying. She knows exactly what she wants....she want to have her "cake, and eat it too." It's called "cakewalking" around here. And if you "settle" for that, that is what you will get....sharing your wife with someone else whenever she "feels like it."




Oh yes, I forgot. It's ALWAYS the fault of the Betrayed Spouse that the Wayward Spouse CHOSE Adultery as the "better way." Excuse me a minute....I have to grab that tree that Jack Bauer was using for a barfing tree and follow suit.




Of course she wants to blame you. Didn't you realize that it is ALWAYS "someone else's fault" when we choose to do something wrong. Do NOT buy into this "blame game."

It's okay to acknowledge that you want to improve things, but not that "you are ready to be the best husband." TELLING her anything is pointless and will not be heard by someone in an affair. You SHOW her your changes, your commitment to yourself, by your actions. That is what "Plan A" improvements are all about. She needs to see that with you or without you, YOU are becoming a very desirable person to any female.




Typical "fogspeak." Ignore it.




More typical "fogspeak." I understand YOUR pain, we all do. That what Betrayal causes in the Faithful spouse. The fact that she is "still there" should not be misconstrued. As long as she is still in the affair, it's just "convenient" for her to have a place to be. The "good news" is that she can see the changes in you per the "Plan A" while she is around, but you are going to have to "steel yourself" to "nothing seeming to work" for a while. Just commit to the changes and give it time.




More typical "fogspeak." Once the friendship line has been crossed, there is NO going back. The friendship ended and the adulterous affair partners began. One cannot put the "we're just friends" back together because there is HISTORY of "being more than friends."

NO Contact with a previous affair partner is needed for two main reasons. To help the WS get past the affair and to protect the WS from "relapsing." Second, it is the MINIMUM requirement for the Betrayed Spouse who has chosen to forgive and rebuild the marriage DESPITE the marriage ending affair. In short, No Contact is the LEAST that a WS can do, and should do, as their part in attempting to recover a marriage. BUT they won't do this until the affair has truly ended and they have chosen to attempt recovery.




Stop lying to yourself. The affair is still going on. She has NOT "ended it." They may have chosen to "cool it down" a bit for now, but that's just putting the affair on "simmer" instead of "full boil."

Destablizing the affair is needed. But I'll await your verification of what was in the email that proves an actual affair (especially a physical affair) before commenting more.

God bless.

Gee FH is feisty today. Great Post!

It was an e-mail to one of her friends and she admitted to kissing him...a lot...at work the friday before x-mas. Than, after spending all holiday weekend w/me and our son and our families, she went back to work the following Tuesday and they kissed again. That is all I know as of right now...that they kissed a lot.

If the roles were reversed, do you honestly think that your wife would put up with so much crap that you have put up with and allow you to continue to be in contact and stay friends with your affair partner. Your wife clearly does not respect you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

I didn't actually read all the replies but I can speak based on my own experience.

Yes. I suffered the same faith, my wife had an affair with this dumbdumb for 4 years and I just found out 2 months ago (I am a bigger dumbdumb).

I confronted that guy together with my wife at his place, all his neighbours heard us, I went to that guys' office to show him that I mean business, and I will expose everything by telling all his office workers about this affair if he continue the affair. I will even report to the authority (in my country i.e. the police) about the adultery if they continue. I asked my wife to choose between that guy or me (with my kid) in front of that guy.

I am going all out to make sure they stop seeing each other including telling my wife's parents and siblings.

If you really love your wife, go fight for it.

BUT, if your wife doesn't love you anymore....don't bother, this things just eat up all your time and wasting all your efforts.

I am currently going thru recovery stage, at times, I still feel very angry and hurts. It is very difficult to forgive and even more difficult to forget. I can only ask for strength from God to keep me going.....

ahtan - have you considered that God doesn't command wives to love their husbands. God does command husbands to love their wives.

Many are the marriages that have been recovered after the WS has said they didn't love their spouse, including my own marriage.

WS's always say they don't love their spouse. Sometimes they say they NEVER loved them. It's just fog.

SO last night, we talked again for about 2 hours. I told here I did not want here to communicate with him and she is haveing a hard time with that. WW than told me she felt like it was too late. We talked about the big D. She said she does not want to say yes or no and needs time. I went to bed at midnight and she went for a drive. I knew she would talk to the OP and she did. She told him how much them talking and texting is bothering me and they agreed to not communicate so much (not to stop all together though). After she left last night, I felt like it was over. This a.m., when I got her e-mail...I felt better, but is she just dragging me along here? She said she just needs some time to figure things out and does not want me to be so pushy and to not preach to her. I feel like she is at least trying? Advice???

Here's a Do and Don't list that Mr. W brought here....

DOs

1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP