In October my wife started to go out with her friends from work a lot and would return late at night even on the weekdays. By November I felt like something was up....as if there was someone else involved. I asked her if there was...she said "No, I just want to have fun! I've done everything for this family and nothing for myself, it's my turn to be selfish now."

In mid November we got into a discussion about her going out all the time and this time I needed to sleep because I had to work in the morning and she didn't...the baby was screaming his head off for a half hour. I called her to ask her to come home to take care of her son. She finally came home after me calling 2 more times and a half hour later. She said how she was sick and tired of being the slave of the house and being taken for granted (which I understand) and now it's her time to have fun and complained about all the other things I did and didn't do in the past.

I asked her why didn't she ask for a divorce. She told me that if she did, I'd ask her to go to counceling and it didn't work the first time, it's not going to work again. Basically she was sick and tired of everything...of the "I'm sorrys". So I told her if she wants a divorce I won't stop her.

The next day she asked to be separated and stabbed a hot knife into my chest. The day after that she asked if it was ok to date other people and stabbed another hot knife into my chest. The day after that she asked if she could take her wedding band off. She also kept saying "I love you, but I'm not in love with you"

The next day I found out from her that she was talking to a guy at work and they would talk about stuff like "if we were together would you do this for me?" She knew the OM for the 3 yrs they worked there. Their EA kinda got discovered from his g/f who called my wife and went psycho over the phone...thats why my wife had to tell me and ask me to call OM to control his g/f.

It's now 2 months later and supposedly she claims "it's not like that anymore...give me some credit" She still talks to him at work and also when she's out with her friends from work hanging out at someone's house drinking.

We agreed on separation until divorce. Our separation is as follows: I'll come home after work and help her with the kids and leave after their bedtime. I'll return at 4am so I can get ready for work and still be in my carpool and she can go to the gym in the morning. On the weekends I'll have the 3 kids (17mo, 6yrs, 9yrs) on the weekends and I'll have to fit those noise makers in the little room my uncle is letting me stay in. She says if the weekend thing doesn't workout, I can sleep on the couch at home and watch the kids while she has "her time".

Is there any way I can turn this around. It seems as if we're still a couple, but she seems emotionally distant...doesn't want me to touch her or kiss her. I'm acting as if I am moving on with my life and have conversations with her as a friend and she flirts with me (thats the only way she'll be receptive to talking to me or even touching me) It's very very frustrating I feel like I'm going to emotionally burst. We haven't had sex for about a month. She goes out every weekend with her best friend and friends from work. Please tell me there's a way I can turn this thing around.

GET BACK IN THE HOUSE!

Read up on the concepts here, read the first four posts in the Just Found Out forum, and read up on plan A. This is your start.

Once you do that you need to get a plan on how to break up the A. You will never have a shot at the M as long as there is an ongoing A. Expose the A to everyone in a position to put pressure on it. Expose to her family, friends, HR director and boss. She'll get pissed off, but she wants a separation and/or divorce so she can pursue her OM. As long as you are together, fighting to save your M, and everyone knows about the A, it will be hard to continue the A, it will die out, and then you will have a chance to restore your M. But you need to get back in the house not only to save your M, but for legal reasons as well. You don't want to lose your kids, and that is exactly what will happen if you move out. If she moves out, she may lose the kids. Understand? Quit enabling her affair. That means no more babysitting while she goes out. Cut off her texting and/or all cell phone if she refuses to stop calling OM, and cut her off financially if you make more and she is dependent on you. You need to use every trick in the book to stand up for yourself and kill her A. This will piss her off, but it will hurt the A. That is what will kill your M, not her anger. Kill the A, and afterwards you will have a chance to save your M.

Who owns the house? If you're married, that house is marital property.

You need to move home now. Period.

If she wants to continue on as a 'single woman'...let HER live that lifestyle. Let HER have the hard hours of trying to do things, etc....don't make it easy for her to live that way without any of the consequences of it.

Is your seperation agreemant a "legal" one that you signed with a lawyer? If not, it means squat.

Go home, let her move out if she wants.

Start reading up here on Plan A and plan B...you need to start plan A immediately!

Also, keep in touch with OMGF. She will be a key ally in busting up this affair. Either have her expose or get info from her so you can expose OM to his family and friends. She can also watch from the other side to ensure NC.

The only thing I can add to this is

GET BACK HOME TO YOUR KIDS.

Be their father in your house. Your wife will get mad at you for ruining her fun - TOO Fing bad. She is ruining your marriage.

Stick around here, there is lots to do to "win" this war.

SH, if you want to turn this around, the first thing you have to do is move back home, into your bed and stop accommodating her affair and single lifestyle. Moving out only enables her the freedom to live like this. You have become an enabler and, sadly, your own children are paying the price by being kicked out of their home on the weekend.

That is your first step. In the meantime, I would read as much as you possibly can to get yourself up to speed. You have a lot of work to do so you must read and understand what you are dealing with here. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3014240

A caller with your problem called Dr. Harley on the radio a few weeks ago. The callers wife had had an affair and after the affair she fell into a swingers lifestyle and became a serial cheater. Dr. Harley told him that the reason this probably happened is that the cause of her affair was never addressed or resolved. She never suffered any consequences,instead he accomodated her actions with his continued support. His answer to the man was to cut off all money, file for divorce and go into Plan B. He stated that this was probably the only thing that would wake her up. So, read up and see what possible solutions you see that might fit your situation.

But first and foremost, STOP ENABLING her affair. Go home and live there. Cut off the money.

SelfishH - In addition reading the material here, I also recommend "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson. He talks about setting boundaries and retaining respect from your spouse. I'm sorry to hear how she's painted you in the corner but you can get out and specifically back in the house and in control of the household. She's full of bunk (the fog), she should be the one living in some little room, not you!

Love isn't selfish and also BTW, neither are you.

V/r,
No way

Ditto on above posters. Might be worth the bucks to get some advice from Harley's now before this keeps going down an unpleasant path. I would also refrain bringing up divorce if you want to turn this around. In your current arrangement you are the babysitter while she goes on dates looking for BFs. You can turn this around - raising 3 small kids is tough enough without this added drama.

I agree it is worth the money to get a plan. Read up on the concepts before your appointment. Here is the number:

Steven Harley
1 (888) 639-1639
$185 (much cheaper than a divorce)

Or call Dr. Harley for FREE on the radio. He is very helpful and cuts right to the chase! You can call him in 20 minutes. He will be on air from 10-1 cst. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb2.cfm?recno=12

I agree with what the others have had to say on this thread and strongly suggest that you move back into your home. I also suggest that you familiarize yourself with the divorce laws that apply to your situation (I didn't do that after my D-Day and I now regret the decision). If you don't, you WILL get screwed, the wrong way, by your WW.

Just an update for people's opinion:

Wednesday after work I was in class and I sent my wife a text saying "My husband is so stupid he believes everything I say, just deny everything, he'll believe you."

Wife replies: "what the ****** r u b*tching about?"
Me: "nothing a chick fooling around on her husband said that"
Wife: "u better not be talking about me"
Me: "I am"
Wife: "R u in class?"
Me" "yup"
Wife: "my mom made ham"
Me: "cool, you're a naughty girl"
Wife: "focus"
me: "somebody acting guilty"
Wife: "huh? guilty for what"
me: "did you do an*l sex?"
Wife: "bye"
me: "ok keep it a secret for now"
Wife: "I'm not following you"
me: "OK me play dumb too"
Wife: "no, for real"
me: "um, ok"
Wife: "k bye"
Me: "whats it like keeping a secret like that?"
Wife: "what the [censored] r u talking about?"
me: "is the ham fried?"
Wife: "nope, baked"
me: "yummy! did you tell him that I know?"

WIFE CALLS ME 6 TIMES....I IGNORE THEM

Wife text: "answer your phone"

Wife tries desperately to call me nonstop which I ignore all of her calls. I believe she tried to call me a total of 18 times and texted a few cuss words to me. Kept telling me to call her 911, go to the bathroom and call me. I never called her.

I finally come home after about 9:30pm (late on purpose) and she's sleeping in the room. I bust in and say "the truth shall set you free" as if I was a preacher preaching his sermon....then I take a shower.

We talk in the morning about this and she said that she didn't know what I was talking about, so she was getting irratated with me, she seemed very calm about it. I believed her and hugged and kissed her and said I'm sorry.

At the end of the next day I basically told her "I'm giving you chances to come clean and tell me the truth." She kept denying saying I'm psycho.

There's more stuff that I did and she eventually cried and ended up sleeping on the couch....came back to bed in the early morning, had sex with me and then the next day acted as if she was totally in love with me, telling me "I love you" "you're lovely" and calling me "Honey"

A week before that she was emotionally distant didn't want to help me with anything. Now she's done a 180. Hmmm does this sound wierd, or is this how it's supposed to be...I've been doing Plan A since mid November and started filling her "affection" love bucket through foot,hand,head massages, hugs, few kisses. What do you guys think?? Do you need more details just let me know.

It sounds to me like you're playing games....

A Spouse in an affair will be on a roller coaster. They don;t just "turn around" and do a 180. They are in conflict...and that is what it sounds like to me anyway....she is in conflict.

POJA is necessary for healing. What has else has changed? Does she still go out?

your wife is a classic WW.....the advice you have been given here is great and you should follow it to the letter....

I am a FWW and I know some of what you wife is feeling....she is 'fog-bound'....cannot see what she is doing to ANYONE....all she thinks about is OM....it IS an addiction...unfortunatley she will not get out of it until she decides to come home or full exposure of A might help....

If she wants a divorce, move back in , look after your kids, she should move out, def cut off money... if this is the life she is choosing, you do not help her in anyway because you want to revcover your marriage...don't you??

good luck

Mrs K

Today my wife actually texted me: "You know whats funny, I miss you. Want to make love when I get home?"

My wife is currently "Off island" on her yearly weekend trip to watch the cheerleading state championships on a dif island. She usually goes with her two other "girlfriends" that I know personally (they all coached cheering together).

This year she is with her Hula instructor friend who 2 years ago divorced her husband for "emotional neglect and selfishness" and tells her how awesome her life on her own has been.

My wife told me that the other women that she usually goes with couldn't make it this time.

What should I do next? I was even thinking about acting as if I was fooling around. Tell her I'm going to get milk from the store and return 2 hours later. Talk to my friends on the phone and act suspicious and hang up on them when she's around. Let me know what you guys think I should do.