Let me start by saying that I have recently found out from my aunt that as a child I was mentally abused to an extent by my mother and she allowed all of the different men that she had been with to do the same. One of the things that she would do while married was to find a new man and drag me along when she would go meet them. To my recolection there was no physical activity that I saw. But growing up in that environment I think has scard me for life. I need some help in understanding the rest of this post.

I need some help here! I have been married for 15 years to the most awesome woman. 12 years ago she had an affair with my best friend (just a one time thing) but continued the friendship between him and his wife and us for 7 years after the fact. She finally confessed this to me 4 years ago and it devistated me. At the time that she told me I confessed an affair that I was having for 3 months. Which of course devistated her. We went to a marriage counselor for 1 1/2 years and thought we had it all fixed.

In the last 9 months I have had a very tough time understanding why the thoughts of her affair keep haunting me. It was not bad at first but in the last 3 months it has got to the point that it consumes my day. I have figured out that I have not forgiven her for the continuation of the friendship and hiding it from me for that long. I am working on that and am going to counseling for this.

Here is my problem, during the last couple of months I have confided in a close friend of ours and I wound up having an affair with her. It all came to a head recently and my wife and 2 kids have moved out.

I do not want to lose her. She is my heart and soul, I just do not understand why this has become a pattern. What can I do to change this? My wife tells me there is no way possible that she will ever feel the husband\wife feelings again for me. She is being very strong about this and tells me that she wants to remain close friends. I understand that her emotions are very raw right now and I am just trying to be there for her and the boys for support, nothing more.

I want to win her back, but first I have to understand why I have done this again. Could this be something from my childhood that I have repressed in my mind? Is there honestly any hope for me or for us? She has agreed to go to counseling with me to see what they have to say about this pattern. She has also agreed to go to counseling on her own to get things right in her mind and to get past this.

Any information that anyone can provide is appreciated. I just need some insight into this so that I can make the changes in my life to be a better man and then a better husband and father.

You did this again because you CHOSE to do so. Regardless of anything from your childhood, or anything else. The bottom line is that you have cheated on your wife, TWICE, knowing how badly this would hurt her.

Start reading up on emotional needs here on this site. But also realize you need to take OWNERSHIP for your actions...don't think that there's any 'reason' for you having an affair (or two)...there's never justification or a valid 'excuse' for why it happened. Your first step is recognizing that...quit looking for something that "caused" it. Start looking for ways to improve your marriage and help your wife heal and recover from what you've done. In the course of that, you'll make the changes you need to in order to keep from doing this again.

Quit blaming your childhood. Nothing is anybody's fault these days. ***************edit********** You did this because you are a weak person who CHOSE to put yourself and your M in bad situations. Never confide closely in a woman. That is a recipe for disaster. Read up on all the MB concepts, read SAA, and you will understand what you did to allow this to happen, and how you can affair-proof your M. First things first, you need to NEVER have contact with either of the OW EVER AGAIN!

Go to church, confess your sins, and make yourself right with God.

You have to respect what your BW wants. If she wants a divorce... make it as painless as possible for her.
You can't win her back. There is nothing that can make up for what you did so the choice to come back is all hers... and it would be a gift to you if she chooses to do so.
I would suggest IC for you immediately. While our childhood certainly can play a part in our lives... it was a lack of concern and integrity that led you to have another affair.
I would suggest following your BW's lead here. Show her that you are working on you.... that you are remorseful.... and that you want only to make her happy... even if that means letting her go. She deserves nothing less from you.

And for future reference.... married men should NOT be confiding in women!

As far as you being upset that your WW lied for so long about her affair. That is understandable and SHE assumes complete ownership of the damage that caused. YOU had the opportunity to either forgive her or to divorce her.... you chose to forgive. And again... lets not forget that you were in your own little affair when you found out about hers.
There seems to be a lack of caring and maturity in your M. If I were your MC, I would recommend divorce.... this is the third affair (at least) that has tarnished your M. ONE is hard enough to get past... three is a major undertaking and there is nothing in your words that would suggest either one of you is up to the task.
I wish you well and hope you find peace.

Now, I can hand out 2 x 4's with the best of them... but is this really necessary?

Sorry, MEDC, but I have zero tolerance for blaming anyone but yourself for having an A. I wanted to point out how it was logically impossible to blame his affairs on his past. Sometimes a 6x6 is necessary to wipe out ridiculous statements like that. I won't comment anymore on this subject.

NeedHelpBad - Okay, have you considered that perhaps someone else should be Lord of your life? "Do it yourself" is an option you can choose, and one that it appears both you and your wife have chosen repeatedly. But there is another way....one that leads to forgiveness, healing, restoration, growth, love, etc.

If you care to explore that option, just let us know. Otherwise, we'll not comment further on that "option."

God bless.

Thanks to all for the replies! I have taken ownership for what I have done and yes it was my choice. All I am trying to understand is why the pattern and fix me so that this never happens again with her or anyone. I truly do not deserve anything good from her and I know that. I want her to be happy whether it is with me or someone else. As long as they treat her with the respect and love that she deserves and treat my kids right. Thats all that I could ask. I will continue to work on me until the day comes that I have all of my emotional baggage gone and dealt with.

If the worst that comes out of this is a friendship with her than I should and will feel lucky. Not saying that I dont want it to work out for the best, just trying to be realistic through all of this.

Thanks again for the replies, though some were alot uncalled for. I thought that this was a place to get some constructive feedback not abusive verbage.

This is a place to get constructive criticism. I wasn't trying to run you off, but the FIRST thing you did when you got here was blame what you did on your childhood. I didn't want to allow you to do that. Sure you childhood may not have shown you a good example of how to communicate effectively with your W, but it did not cause you to have an A.

My apologies if it came across as if I am blaming my childhood for what I have done. I am NOT. This is on me and no one else! All I am trying to understand is if this pattern has something to do with the way I was raised until I was 15.

Seeing it, living it and breathing it for 15 years can cause someone to believe its ok, even though you know its not!

I OWN THIS and WILL CONTINUE TO OWN IT! I have to heal me before I can help heal anyone around me. This I know for a fact and am working towards that solution!

Okay...
I would suggest that you come up with a plan of action and then communicate it to your W.
Let her know you are here and invite her to the boards. She will find great advice and suppprt here.
In your plan... make sure to include the things that you will take care of immediately. No more contact with the OW. A NC letter should be written and if she is married her H should be informed immediately about the A. Aslo, make sure that your W has access to everything that you are doing. Your life should now be an open book.... a picture window...shining plenty of light into what was previously darkness. Passswords to email accounts.... access to your cell phone, etc. are good places to start.
If you want to survive this... with or without your wife... it is time to make some serious changes in your life. Accountability and credibility are places to start.
If you have a relationship with God... now is the time to lean on that. If not, while I would consider you listen to your heart regarding that... there are people here that recover their marriages that do not.
Either way... welcome... you have taken the first steps to make yourself a better person... and hopefully, a better H.

Thanks for the words of wisdom!

I have already told my W that anything in the house is open. She can look at caller ID, check the messages, whatever she wants to do.

The OW is out of the picture and her H knows about it. There is no communication there at all.

I have a plan of action in place and WILL follow through with it no matter how my M works out.

God is a big part of my life and not just because of this. I do need to work on making that relationship better within me no matter what.

My wife has a key to the house and a code to get into the garage at anytime. I also let her know when Im leaving and where I am going at all times.

Thanks again for your advice. It is appreciated

I will give you some credit coming here for thoughts and advice. As you may have noticed sympathy to find excuses for having an affair is in pretty short supply here. We are a tough crowd on that topic.

In addition to the other advice already given, I would advise you find the book “Not Just Friends” by the late Dr Shirley Glass. Read it, absorb it, then live it.

QUESTIONS

have you gone 10000000000% no contact with your current other woman...

have you disclosed to wife all avenues of contact with the OW and closed off all of those avenues....and given your wife access to ALL emails voice mails and computers...

what in heavens name is this psycho babble about wanting to fix your marriage but FIRST figure out why you do this...

do you get a cavity and ponder for months WHAT food caused the cavity...or do you fix the cavity ....
sheesh....

next

what are you talking about that all wish for is your wifes happiness and if that involves her dragging your children through multiple new men relationships till she finds one that makes her happy then that's OK with you...

THIS is the time to MAN-UP to the plate...

100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000% of your focus and energy should be on the children..

do either of you realize the messages you are sending to them...

about the fears of abandonment you have brought to their world...

do you see the irony of worrying about your PAST childhood as you bring pain to your children's present childhood..

can you see that?

YOU man up...

you move back in with your children and wife.....

YOU got a wife willing to go to marriage counseling....
which I can't even tell you what some WS/BS would do just for even that glimmer of hope..

and you waffle and teeter....

call the HARLEYS today with your wife and begin counseling here.....

cut the crap and start doing and acting in way that restores your childrens home...

tell your wife without any rationalizations attached that your affair actions were wrong and disrespectful and you will do ANYTHING to not restore your old marriage but to

create a marriage that is honorable and valuable to you and her.....

in all aspects...

this is marriage BUILDERS...building is an action

YOU
take action

contact them
contact a counselor
show your wife actions that are followed up and through on..

what do your children think is going on with them.

do you see your children every single day..if not WHY
why are they punished.....

ARK

GREAT advice.

I have disclosed all avenues to my wife about the OW and have let her know all PWs for everything.

I have an appt already scheduled to see the Counselor

I understand what your saying about the children and the message that they are receiving.

I have asked my wife to come back home and under no circumstance at this point is she willing.

I want this to work! I am willing to DO ANYTHING to make it work! I have told her this and have also told her that I am very sorry for what I have done and for the pain and disrespect that I have shown her.

I do see my kids every single day! They are our primary focus and I do NOT want them to have to deal with any other man in their life except me!

I stay in contact with my W everyday as well letting her know that if she wants to vent or talk to me that I am here no matter what, anytime day or night! I still tell her that I love her and she admits she still loves me otherwise this would not hurt so bad.

I am taking the steps that I know of to make amends with my W and our M!

That is why I came here because of the honest and direct feedback that has been provided.

well then
if this is true
then we ought to prohibit/advise against people
who suffered miserable childhoods
from ever marrying
and following your logic, this means your children should never marry because they are high risk

see the faulty logic here?

Pep

Just a quick update! I have been seeing a Psychologist and have found out that my childhood has played a large part in how I view relationships. I grew up in an unhealthy environment as a child and that is all I have known. I still to this day own everything that I have done to my wife that has hurt her and betrayed her.

I am working on getting things healthy with myself so that I can make things right with her.

She has taken me back and we are doing as well as can be expected. I still have a long road ahead of me to prove myself to her and I have a new outlook on life and my attitude. I want to get past my issues so that I can be the man that I know I can be and be the man that my wife deserves.

Thanks to all for your feedback. God Bless!

Bluntly, I still feel that you're letting "your childhood" take the blame for your affairs.

Here's the thing...regardless of "your childhood", you KNEW what you were doing was wrong, but did it anyway.

It's hard to TRULY take ownership if you feel there was any kind of 'reason' for your actions. It's like saying "I'm sorry, but...", the minute you add the "but" to it, it negates the value of the "I'm sorry".

Just my opinion.

How are you both working on improving your marriage? On making it "affair proof"?

Have you considered a 12-step group like SA?

Sexaholics Anonymous

From their website:

Many of us felt inadequate, unworthy, alone, and afraid. Our insides never matched what we saw on the outsides of others.

Early on, we came to feel disconnected -- from parents, from peers, from ourselves. We tuned out with fantasy and masturbation. We plugged in by drinking in the pictures, the images, and pursuing the objects of our fantasies. We lusted and wanted to be lusted after.

We became true addicts: sex with self, promiscuity, adultery, dependency relationships, and more fantasy. We got it through the eyes; we bought it, we sold it, we traded it, we gave it away. We were addicted to the intrigue, the tease, the forbidden. The only way we knew to be free of it was to do it. "Please connect with me and make me whole!" we cried with outstretched arms. Lusting after the Big Fix, we gave away our power to others.

This produced guilt, self-hatred, remorse, emptiness, and pain, and we were driven ever inward, away from reality, away from love, lost inside ourselves.

Our habit made true intimacy impossible. We could never know real union with another because we were addicted to the unreal. We went for the "chemistry," the connection that had the magic, because it by-passed intimacy and true union. Fantasy corrupted the real; lust killed love.

First addicts, then love cripples, we took from others to fill up what was lacking in ourselves. Conning ourselves time and again that the next one would save us, we were really losing our lives.

NHB - let me tell you... if you come here and you are honest - you gotta duck because the 2x4s will come - BUT - there is significantly excellent advice here. I drowned myself in it for 48 hours - literally - I don't think I was away from my computer (i was home sick, not recommending this) and I think God put me on my a** for those 48 hrs to pry open my heart and my stubborn stubborn head with those 2x4s.
So keep coming and keep talking. And most importantly keep praying. As my very best friend and I say, "My Boy, He's got a plan!"

Sounds like you are doing the right things - I am supremely NOT qualified to offer any advice, but hang in there.

~FWS lostsheep