none of this is gonna matter as long as he is still using drugs.....he has more than one addiction going on....

drug use goes beyond anything I have to offer

when you marry a drug user, you marry a person who loves drugs above all else

until he has at least a year of clean/sober treatment, he's not available to fall in love in any way that is not selfish

sorry

I seriously have NO ideas here, except

perhaps you might attend AlAnon meetings?

Pep

Even when he does not use them on a regular basis? if he weren't on drugs, what would your advice be?

The next time your husband goes out drinking, lock the door behind him. Let him know in advance that the children will no longer be subject/influenced/guided by his immaturity.

No, maybe locking the door might bring more chaoes into those precious kids' life.

Your concern at this time should be minimizing the affect his chosen lifstyle is having on these kids. You're concern at this time should be how can I love my children enough to bring stability/loving guidance back into my home...not how can I make my husband fall in love with me again.

Are you in love with him right now? I mean he is such a good father, how you must respect him.

I'm sorry to be so harsh, but I see 4 kids here who need a mother who will step up to the plate for them.

How can you do that? Step up to the plate for your kids, I mean?

Maybe when your husband sees that his drinking/drug partying lifestyle is not going to fly in your home, he will step up to the plate as well.

you really do not know how often he is getting high

let me ask you this ... if your H was seeing other women ... BUT, not on a regular basis, would it still bother you?


it's moot

he IS on drugs

sounds like you are OK with occasional drug-use, but not OK with occasional flirting/text messaging/etc with other women

BOTH are very disrespectful and dangerous to the marriage

Pep

Do I threaten to leave him if it doesn't stop? Things went ok this weekend, he stayed home again and we seemed to get along ok... he has been nicer. I do love him very much.

all the love in the world wont cure his addictions and dangerous behavior...he has to want to do that on his own.

No, threats do not work.

From you -

You have had a life of high drama with little boundaries or strong values, it looks like here. (no offense, I am not judging you...my life didn't look so different at one time).

What if you stopped crying and waiting up for him? What if on the nights he went out drinking/drug'ing with the cousin...you got busy and did something really fun with the kids?

Made fabulous finger food, dips, breads that made the house smell really good. Played board-games and watched movies, went skiing, or to a hotel where they let you swim.

What if your life went on in a really stable, healthy way with the kids while he was out, and you never even mentioned his absence at all?

Do you think that would get his attn? And just as importantly, would it show your kids a different way?

I think *Plan Weaver* is excellent

Pep

I hope she comes back.

Hope I didn't run you off maryelliss

No, I am still here... for the past two weeks, he has not gone out. The problem that I am having now is of him running his mouth outside our marriage to other women that he is unhappy and tired of being married and then telling me differently... He tells me he loves me and he doesn't want a divorce. So what should I believe? Do I confront him about what I am hearing from other people?

I don't think I would, nor would I engage in meaningless, hurtful gossip with others regarding my marriage.

I honestly think I would set an example of what a loving, committed marriage looks like by becoming that example...regardless of what others are saying or doing, including your husband.

You are going to have to set the stage here.

Ok, now my next question.... my husband has always enjoyed sex with me. Lately, I have been the one to mostly initiate it, I have noticed that he doesn't kiss me anymore, or touch me like he used to and the foreplay is gone... I still do my end of the kissing and touching but it seems more like "just sex" than "making love" do you know what I mean? Its like he is just not into it... How can I bring him back into making love with me???

ANYONE???

maryelliss, this is simply a rephrasing of your first question of "how can I get him to fall in love with me again",

and for me, my answer remains the same as it did the first time you asked it.

He is a drug user involved in a lifestyle that is not conducive to marriage.

So this is the issue that needs to be addressed first. Once an addict, always an addict and you yourself said that he used to have a problem with drugs.

Guess what, he still does (have a drug/drinking/partying problem).

Make your home a haven that celebrates and embodies a healthy, marriage/kid focussed lifestyle and see what happens.

Maybe he will climb on board when he sees all the wholesome fun he is missing, maybe not...but at least your kids will have that and so will you.

I came here wanting to change my wife.

I have since learned that I COULDN'T change her. I could only change me and hope she responded.

I am not saying you have problems, or that you are the cause of what he is doing.

However, it remains that you can't really change him. I believe what Weaver and others are saying is that since you can't change him, you may as well make your home a wonderful place and see what happens.

I recommend you get Harley's books "His Needs, Her needs" and "Love busters, habits that destroy romantic love."

These helped me a lot to change the things I was doing wrong. Again, I am not saying you are the cause of problems, but nearly all of us can improve in some way.

Keep in mind that these things almost never fix them selves overnight. This may take time, and it may not work.

If you change yourself for the better, and he continues to go down hill, there will come a time when you won't want to be with him any longer. If so, you get to keep the changes you make, and they will serve you well all your life.

Please don't think we don't care. I know it seems like we are not answering your question directly - however we know what worked for us, and we can relate these things to you.

There is no easy fix, it will take time, and patience, and thee are no promises of success. However, I believe this would you the most happiness and the best chance of getting what you want.

How are you feeling today? How are you doing?

SS

SS, you said that better (and much kinder) than I did!

Bumping for anyone dealing with this kind of sitch, as I know that there are many out there who are...especially in my neighborhood where grown adults with children abound in the bars pretending that they are the children. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I have really been working hard the past few days to pick myself up, make the best I possibly can of my life at home. I have been coming home from work, keeping the house straight, laundry caught up and meals prepared. As far as the kids, they are all doing fine. Husband has been acting fine, like nothing is wrong. He has not mentioned anything about my change of attitude. (I have been acting like I am just happy as a lark) Seems to be going ok so far. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers!

I am also new here and I can't fiqure out how to post on this site in the infidelity area. However, I also need help with my situation is there anyone that can help me. I am the one who has done the ultimate in a marriage. I had an affair, concieved a child, and as oppose to keeping it a secret I told my wife. She was devestated as most of the post suggest she would be. However, no one really talks about the spouse who lost their way. Not only am I having to deal with my wifes disappointment, but I must deal with my own. In all of her anger she begin to try and make me feel her pain as well. She did this by dating another man. I understood because in all actuallity I didn't even deserve to be in her presence. I told her I realized the devastation I caused, and I didn't want to give up my marriage. Well, whenever I ask ever whether she wants to stay married or not, she always responds with "I don't have any answers for you, I can only take care of me and my child." (We have a 3yr. old son.) There were a lot of issues that we were just not dealing with and I made a horrible decision, but I never stopped wanting my wife, and I never fell out of love with her. She start dating this guy, and would wait until I would go downstairs to go to sleep and then she would talk to this guy all times of the night. She would leave and then call him to meet her places. During this time I basically became a slave for my marriage, I did all cooking, cleaning, parenting, and even taking care of her mother while neglecting my own. This went on for a year and 4 months. Now a year and a half later she still has not decided if she wants to stay in the marriage or not and she out of the blue begin to call this guy again. In this time, she asked me to bring in the same amount of money into our home that I pay for child support. This is in additon to my regular job pay. I attempted to do this and ended up in $30,000 worth of credit card because she never had enough money. I have apologized showed I am sorry, but it seems she has begin to take advantage of my fear of losing her and my son. I have lost 70lbs. I have past over many opportunities for promotion in life out of fear that if I left her alone at the house she would find her way to this other guy, and allow herself to be simply pulled away by his sweet words, and talk of how dumb I was to do what I did. So, I stay home. I sit and massage her feet all times of night only to find as soon as I left the room she called him. I am to afraid to leave and life for seems to be over when I think about another man raising my son, and loving my wife. I truly understand what it means when the bible says, "Love your wife as God loved the church. The problem for me is that because of the hurt that I have caused I may never get to show it. I have been trying to be patient and give her time to heal, but I don't konw after a year and half if she is healing to leave me, or healing to stay, and when I ask she gets upset and I crawl back into my hole praying I haven't said anything further to make her leave. Please help, "scared into paralysis"

Maryelliss, I think you are definitely on the right track. Keep it up for a couple of weeks and the energy in your home will change, drastically.

It's very important that if he decides to go out partying that you get really busy in the home, with the kids and present the opposite of what he is presenting by going out and running around.

Please read up on Love Busters and Disrespectful Judgements as well, also "His needs/Her Needs", because this is how you are going to start to change the dynamics in your marriage.

You are in my thoughts, and I know that SS will be guiding you and helping you until you get it down really good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And the atmosphere in your home is so inviting, so stable, loving and fun that your H will think twice about not wanting to be a part of it.

You have no affair to worry about right now, so you that is a huge, huge plus...although even that does not make it hopeless.