I have tried since we separated to keep calling the kids mornign and night, tonight my wife didn't answer nor did my 11 yr old answer her cell phone.... I did a drive by at 10PM and they weren't at the WW rental house, so they could be anywhere's but I started calling WW at 8PM to say goodnight to the girls.

I have neve denied the girls access to call their mother. and she calls morning and night as well.

So am I asking to much?

No you aren't asking too much. Any good father should want to talk to their kids. Just make sure you have the right mindset and it's not to spite your wife. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Your wife is wrong if she is blatantly trying to keep your kids from answering the phone, but this may not be the case.
Maybe your kids were busy or just didn't want to talk at that moment.

My advice would be to just not jump to conclusions. If you are allowing your wife access to talk to the kids while they are with you, she should do the same. If she is not allowing them to talk to you, try your best to reason it out with her.

I don't think you are asking for too much. Do you have any wording in your order about reasonable private telephone contact? Of course, define "reasonable."

If the pattern has been morning and night contact I would expect that is what "reasonable" is in your case and your W should be respectful of that.

Just my .02

Not at all Viking.

My WH doesn't bother at all to call his kids. Just sees them for a few hours one day a week, when it's convenient for him, which I think is pitiful.

I wish my WH cared enough like you do for your kids to want to call them.

You're not asking too much. Because I was unable to speak to my children for a week until I went to court, and because I would also be arrested for calling the house, I refused to call them. I made it very clear to her and my sons that I expected a call daily when I did not have them yet I went without them for days on end. When I had them she had no problems calling 3 - 4 times a day....to the point where I did not answer. She would make it a point to call on weekend nights when she was out...drove me crazy....

sometimes the best you can do is give them a taste of their own medicine

I left 3 messages last night with her to speak to the kids, 8 9 10PM.... I did a drive by this morning and they weren't at home... spent the night somewhere's

So I called at 8:15 this morning leaving this message...."Hey there its 8:15 this call is just to document that I tried to contact the girls, again."

Now I did something sneaky and manipulative, I paused a second and made it sound like I didn't hang the phone up and said this, "well I don't think it will be long before I get primary custody" I said it in a way it sounded like someone else was with me.... only one with me was my dog.

10 minutes later the kids called and told me they spent the night with mom and her girlfriend, they have a little group of laids that she use to hang out with all the time, but kind grew apart from her lies and adultry.

Yeah... it might be a bit much to expect. I was dating a woman whose ex wanted to talk every night and it can be a problem. If my son is home and not otherwise involved, I always have him call his mom. But you can't expect it all the time.... it would be nice... but it is one of the sacrifices that come with not being an intact family any longer.

IMHO... I would skip the stuff you left on the answering machine... it can do you no good.

on a another note, I haven't been the most pleasant person to deal with before our court hearing and we getting custody straightened out.... So I was going to send her a gift basket to work on Wednesday, from the girls. She would know it was from me but I wanted to write this note....

Our Mom,
We are very proud of you, your a great mom and we love you a lot. We want you to know you are very special and you are our world. Love Jorden, Katelyn and Morgan

Knowing that the note is mine what should I say, I am trying to convey that I want to get past the hurt.

Skip making it from the kids... she is NOT a great mom by any stretch of the imagination. If you want to send it... whcih I think is a mistake.. I would send it from you with something that expresses that you are happy the court stuff is behind you and you hope the two of you can put aside your differnces and be the best co-parents you can be.

yeah that makes more sense don't want to play the kid card.. I would like some suggestions on the best type of message.

Now she is supposedly not seeing the OM anymore, he is 1000 miles away and I really think contact has slowed to halt, on his side, she still desires it.

So do I change my strategy?

Here is the updated note I am thinking of sending... this would be my thaw in the ice if I plan on engaging her nicely and openly in dealings with the kids

WW I know this has been hard on you - its hard on me too. I want to be a good parent. You were my best friend, I never told you that but you were. I hope you enjoy the sweets.

Darn limits on flowe messages... but its a start

NO... your strategy should be the same. You have worked this out on your end. If your WW wants it to change it should come from her and she should have to convince you that things are changed and that she is meeting all of the demands placed on her in Plan B. But she needs to come to you.

Dear...
I am thankful the court stuff is behind us. Now we can get back to the job of being co-parents. I sincerely hope that we can work together for the sake of our kids.

VR


BTW... I really see NO reason for the basket to be sent. You have seemed very ill at ease since your court case. I think it is in your best interests and your childrens best interests at this point to proceed as though you will NOT be getting back together. Nothing has happened to alter that perspective.

I don't know her heart or mind or anything else. I think what I have been trying to express that I am tired of being angery I am tired of turning my back when she is near so to avoid her. I have detached to a degree of where I look right through her, and that is not me. I am strong enough and smart enought to stand their and be nice and me it. I just have been showing her the cold shoulder because she has asked for it, literally. I think I am doing myself a disservice by not being who I am, a nice guy who has compassion for everyone -even my WW.

She started workign fulltime and trying to do her best to live on her own, I want to acknowledge that fact, not that our family is separated but that she is doing something I didn't think she could.

I am not going to support her in her break up of the family but I don't have to be nasty or cold, I could just be me and state my boundaries and truths but in my way not a cold dark way..... does any of this make sense?

Yes... I am not suggesting that you be nasty in any way. It serves no purpose.
I would suggest that you remain detached though until SHE comes to you. Otherwise you are setting yourself and your kids up for another hard fall.
And frankly, speaking of the kids, you just got 1/2 custody of them. Focus all this attention on them... most likely they need it.
Another point about the "nasty" comment. While I do not think you should be nasty... I also do not think you should be phony. She has not been a good mom to these kids... so sending her something that would indicate that she is a good mom is IMO, enabling her behaviors.
You can say that you are proud of some of the changes that she has made. That is being honest... but I would go no further.

Okay after reading lilsis thread I cancelled the order for the basket to be sent, but I still wonder what I should do about enageing my WW, I don't like talking cold or not being socially open to her to talk to me. I fear I am closing doors rather than leaving them open.... So If I am in a modified plan b where we only have contact around the kids or with the kids shouldn't I be warm and enagable?

Here is a scenario that happened this week, I took the girls out and we were by WW work, so they asked to stop and see mom. First I said no then I changed my mind because it was using the kids. So I took them into the store (Target) and I stayed at the cafeteria by the front door, the girls walked back and saw mom. My oldest later on told me she asked where I was and they said by the front door, she said oh is he scared?

So next time an opportunity comes up I should go with the girls and be near her and be warm and engagable?

Show no fear but don't pamper either. It is not a fine line, just a rough one.

Can you plan B after NC? Yes. I carry it in my back pocket and when my H reverts to even an inkling of a WS attitude, I whip it out. I have used it since we have moved here. It still works. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Vikingruler,

The only thing that would be bad about trying to have as much contact as possible is if you put the children in a mental frame of mind where they feel guilt for not contacting you themselves.

Please don’t allow them to feel that way as it will really do a mind job on them.

The onus for daily communications is on you and your WW. If you have to have a court order stating that as terms of your separation/divorce then so be it. You’ll have to address that with the courts.

It’s very important that the children understand that their parents love them unconditionally and have daily contact as role models BUT I have witnessed both of my sons have to deal with their mother making it about her and putting serious pressure on them to call her daily and tell her everything.

She did this to the point that they were panic stricken when they could not contact her.

So I am pretty sure that WW and OM have stopped the majority of their contact, I don't know it will start up again in the summer or not.

I have been pretty cold and straight to business with her up until our custody hearing.

I am wanting to warm to her and maybe meet some of her EN's in a controlled way showing her the love I have for her but not to be a doormat or enable her in her decision to break up the family.

Opinions?

I feel a little bad about this but I wanted to confirm no contact with OM, I know she isn't using her cell phone because her minutes are very low.. So she had a land line installed so I am wonder if she was using that.

I know a lot of people here wish they could monitor their WS phone and see who they call..... I can, I asked a co-worker of mine to pull the call record detail for WW phone, since there are no names associated with the number its not illegal to collect the data.

So I now have a way to monitor her use of her home number.

bump