I'm the one who had the affair. My wife moved out the day after I told her. Before I ended the affiar the wife filed for divorce. She still wants to work things out, but will not stop the divorce. Her family is pushing her to continue it. I have completely cut off every possible means of communication with the other women. Offered the wife to move. Have put in notice at work even though the other women no longer works in the same location as me. I get shut down every time I ask to see the wife alone to talk and work on things. The wife continues to say she wants to work things out and I believe her. Her family, which she has taken the kids and moved in with is upset everytime she talks to me. I have not contacted the other women for over a month. I don't know how long I can keep beating my head against a wall with my wife since she "doesn't want to upset her support system" her family. Who is pushing her to get away from me and not try to work things out. Whenever I do get time with her even an hour or two when I go see the kids things are good as long as she is not around her family. If I'm not around her for a few days because of work, natural disasters(you laugh I finaly got power back yesterday) etc. she starts pushing me away again. What can I do to help to get her to meet my needs when she won't let me meet hers because her family gets mad when we are trying to work things out? I don't want to run to anybody but my wife ever again.

Whoa, stop the bus! I was going great until I get to the part about how you want her to meet your needs. Just seems a bit selfish. So she wants a divorce. That is her choice - not yours. Divorce is also not necessarily the end of the M.

If you are away for a while, I am betting she has doubts about where you are. You did, after all, violate her trust and now you can't be trusted. So maybe you are away doing something innocent, for the BS, you are guilty until proven innocent. May be tough duty but that's what you get for having an A. What do you do while you are away to reassure her and calm her fears? What kind of accountability do you have?

I agree that family can be counterproductive but she has turned to the only people she feels she can now trust. Can you go to her family and explain yourself and your goals? Instead of antagonizing them, let them help you. You may or may not always be her husband but they will always be her family. Nothing you can do will change that. Go apologize to her family. Don't make her choose between them and you because it sounds like you will lose.

You say she wants to work on the M some times and you want to all the time. Can you sit down and agree on a plan to achieve that? Can you agree on some guidelines, boundaries, prerequisites, etc. to form that plan? If you have a solid plan in place, it is more likely that she will rely less on her family and they may even willingly back off. All they want to do is protect their girl because they see you won't. Cut them some slack. Isn't that the kind of family you would like to have looking out for you?

drr, she probably won't be interested in meeting your needs until she makes a committment to the marriage, which she may not make. I think if she were really serious, though, about allowing you the opportunity to redeem yourself, that she would be home. But, she is not so she can't be too serious.


You shouldn't run to anyone else until you are divorced. That is adultery, and is what got you in this mess in the first place.

drr as a BS and WS I can tell you you have to man up and own your own. If you are serious... which from what you have wrote its questionable, sorry but that is how it sounds. You need to decide, accept and then act.... What I mean if your serious about having a chance in saving your marriage then you decide that now, then put your plan in place.

You can PLAN A your BS, you can change can without a need to have your own needs met meet her's. That is what sacrafice is about.

You go to counseling your improve yourself make yourself better for yourself not hear..... then if those changes are periment then your wife may see something willing to work for.

If not you will need to accept her decision to divorce, you can continue to improve and maybe one day restart a relationship with her. Divorce is not final its a piece of paper.

Goood Luck

If you don't want to get divorced, just keep plugging along. Don't give up. Let me tell you, from a BS perspective, it takes a LONG time before we can EVER trust our WSs again. My parents also wanted me to move on and divorce my WW. I think the best idea is to write a letter to your BW's family. This is how it should read:

Dear BW's family,

I am writing this letter to let you know of my intentions with your daughter. I realize that I committed the most heinous of sins against my WW. I have no excuses, only regrets. I take full responsibility for my actions. But I want to change. I want to be a good husband from here on out to my WW. I want our children to grow up with two parents that love them and each other. I know that you nor my WW trust me right now. You shouldn't after what I have done. I just want you to know that from this day on I will be the best husband and father that I can. I will do whatever it takes to make that happen. Hopefully, one day you and my WW will be able to trust me once again. Hopefully, you will be able to forgive me for my terrible actions. If not, I completely understand, but I am not willing to give up. I am going to continue to try and reconcile with your daughter so that we can be a family once again. I pray that I get that chance. I want to thank you for taking the time out to actually read this letter. I know this must be painful to you as well. You raised a wonderful daughter, and I hope we can be together once again.

Sincerly,

WH


Just keep plugging my man. It sounds like she wants to reconcile with you, she just needs to trust you again. You need to be an open book with her. Let her know what you are doing. If she calls you, answer the phone or call her right back. Continue to try and meet her ENs. Don't LB. Don't get frustrated with her parents. They are just trying to protect her. Let her know you understand how they feel, and you are working on making yourself acceptable to them once again. You are going to have to do all things for your WW and expect nothing in return. Let me tell you this, if I can do it (I'm the BS, and I am doing it to save my M with someone who cheated on me), then you (the WS) can do it.