I need some advice on this one. I just found out that my H will be meeting one of his OW this weekend. I saw a message he sent to the hotel concierge, requesting a special room and champagne, because he is "proposing" during his stay.
I know he made up the proposal idea just to get perks from the hotel, but he is planning to wine and dine here there, when he is supposedly at a conference. I have thought about cancelling the hotel reservation without him knowing it, is that awful? Should I tell him that I know what is going on? He is traveling all week so I won't have the opportunity to do it face to face. Do I let him continue with the weekend and act like I don't know until he gets home? I have her # and could let her know just moments before that their weekend is off. I don't know what to do!!!

If you can't bust him at the scence then confront him immediately. Why would you sit at home all weekend chewing your nails and feeling sick while he is screwing some tramp? The idea behind exposure and plan A isn't to sit on valid info. You are supposed to confirm your suspicions of the affair and then expose. It seems to me that u have enough proof for exposure right now. Do you think that he will come home from his sex vacation and be anymore truthful then if u confront him right now? Nope, no matter what he is going to deny, deny, deny. If you confront him now he will likely say that he had no intention of taking another woman to a hotel and that it surely must be a mistake. Confront him when he gets him and he will say that nothing happened and will swear on everything that means anything to him.

Cheaters are LIARS and nothing that comes out of his mouth should be believed by you unless you have solid evidence that it is the truth. The only time WS come completely clean when busted is when 1. They plan to leave with OW and want to hit you with the I want a divorce thing when busted or 2. When they plan to continue the affair and want to throw you off of the trail by allowing things to cool off before they go back to their lover.

I can fly to his local and confront him there, would that be better?

this is not my first DDay and I feel like it hasn't worked so many times before, exposing him right away, that I should do something different. You are so right, everytime I have exposed him, he resopnds with, "oh, i was trying to break it off, but she was threatening me." or I was planning on this being the last time to see her and break it off. I think some part of him really believes that. He is a habitual adulterer. He lies to the OW that he is seperated when he has no intention of ever leaving me. I feel just as sorry for the OW and feel like I need to let her know what the real story is.

A serial cheater is an entirely different situation then a one or even two time WS. From what I know of MB Dr. Harley usually recommends divorce in cases of serial cheating. How long have you been married? Are there children involved? Do you think that there is a reasonable chance for change in the marriage? What is the history behind his infidelity?

Wow, how can I make this into a short story. M - 17 years together for 20 we are both 40. Have 3 children 12,10 and 8. He has always said he only wants to be with me, we talk of growning old together, make long term goals and plans, but every six months or so a new woman pops up. Never the same one. Started about 8 years ago, when our last child was born, I wasn't paying enough attention and we had a live in nanny. She was the first, that was on/off relationship for 2 years, and finally ended. Since then it has been short term, feel good, boost your ego type of relationships. He likes to be the savior, and I don't need to be saved. He always picks OW with issues that complicate his life even more, when he complains of being stressed. He has become addicted to the feeling of being idolized by these OW. I don't put him on that pedestal anymore. We have always been best friends and he doesn't want divorce, neither do I. But at this point, I feel like it is divorce or just resign myself to the fact that there will always be OW. ???

I think you should get His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage and Love Busters by Dr. Harley. I just finished reading both and they are very helpful books. So what you are saying is that you know what his needs are but you are unable or unwilling to fulfill them? If that is the case then it may be best for you to divorce this man. Now I am not saying that he will automatically become a faithful husband if you start filing his emotional needs because you do not even know for sure if that is why he is cheating. The thing is that if his emotional needs will never be met by you then he will never have a reason to change his behavior. If you confront him and he ends this affair he will soon start another because there will always be a void in his life from not having his EN's filled. You say that you are best friends with this man but how can that be when he is constantly cheating? Part of cheating is being in a position of constantly lying, would you accept constant lies from the other friends in your life? What would you like out of the marriage? Are your emotional needs being met?

I will get the book, I did print out the EN and LB sheets to fill out and I will have him fill them as well. We have seen several MC over the years (as a couple and he has gone independantly) and he fights depression and feeling alone. He needs to be #1 and doesn't like sharing my attention, when it comes to the kids or anyone. His needs have to be met first and I try to accomodate him at all times. I have said the same thing, how can we be best friends and yet he treats me this way. He travels often, but when he is home, we have date nights together, our sex life is great, he even says better than ever. It was not that way when the first affair began, I had a new baby and 2 toddlers, so he got very little attention, I addmit that, but things are different now that the kids are older, but it doesn't seem to be enough for him. We have talked about each other's ENs and worked on them, with some success, but he falls back into that ego high of some OW adoration. I don't want to give up. What I really want to know now is what is the first step on exposing him and what is the best way to do it.
thanks for all your great adivce, it is really helping

You're welcome.

I am not really sure how you should proceed at this point. Since he always goes back to cheating after getting busted what would be different this time? There has to be some serious consequences for his behavior or I don't see how he will ever stop. From his perspective he has nothing to lose he has cheated many times and you are still with him. He calms you down, lays low, and resumes his affairs once it all blows over. I am sure a part of his depression has to do with the guilt he feels over his cheating ways. When he is home with you or recently caught he is probably filled with self hate over his ways. The thing is that he continues to do it because it's an addiction for him. The thrill of the conquest, the secrecy, and of course the attention. WS's are like drug addicts, they will not listen to reason and at times they are filled with guilt and self hate for what they are doing to their spouses. Those feelings usually do not stop them though because they are hooked. So most of them get over the guilt temporarily by blaming the spouse.

From what I read I gather that your WS travels a lot. This makes things even worse because as you said he needs constant attention and praise. Who is there in his hotel room at the end of the day on the road? No one. He cannot stand to be alone so he is always seeking a companion.

That said he has no right to do what he is doing. You don't deserve it and his actions are cowardly. He is a cake eater who wants to have all of the niceties of married life but make none of the sacrifices. If life with you is bad enough to make him cheat then it's bad enough for the two of you to be apart.

Maybe you shouldn't confront him with OW at the hotel. You need to make up your mind about what you want to do first.
Forget being nice to the OW. I am not saying that they deserve to be lied to but right now you have to be in survival mode and do what is best for you and your family. I think you need to get more opinions from the main board but truthfully it may be time for Plan B or even D(ivorce).

I hate to be negative but I can't see him making a real effort to change his ways unless he finally realizes that he will lose everything. The thing is that you don't seem ready to do an effective Plan B.

You are dead on! He does travel a lot, and things are great when he is home. But he does love that thrill and I do believe that he has become addicted to it. I won't confront him right now, I have this week to think that through. I have always had that knee-jerk reaction and it has never seemed to work.
I will check out Plan B. You're not being negative, you're being realistic, which is what a need a big dose of about now, reality! Got to get to bed for now, back to school with the kids tomorrow, I will have plenty of time alone to think and read up.
thanks again, you have been a big help and a great comfort.

Anytime, I am off to bed myself but please come back and keep us posted about your situation. I wish you luck no matter what happens.