So I told WH that I want his opinion on SH's approach and it is best that gets the information straight from SH. He heard it all quietly and kept nodding but when I said that I will forward you the phone #, he said he is not going to talk to anybody. That's it. I didn't want to pester him so left it at that. Usually he would not even hear what I have tosay, atleast he heard it patiently, but as usual no response. Help....

Believer and otehr pros, do you have have any ideas on how should I proceed now with WH? I did exactly as SH recommended but ran into WH wall again. Continuing with Plan A and being the best I can. Stuck with the wall of silence from WH.

Update. I have told WH that unless he feels any different about our R, I don't want to talk about it. I want to move on with my life. He is welcome to share our happiness. I am focussing only on Plan A.

I am struggling with enforcing boundaries with WH because the OW is single and her family is a close family friend. I have already exposed to some family members who could influence, but the OW is denying the 'A' saying it my insecurity and misunderstandin. WH is also not ready for NC because he doesn't feel invested in M and is in M only for DD (4 years) sake and feels nothing for me. Talk to Steve Harley and approached WH so that he could talk to SH and give his opinion on SH's approach. WH totally refused. How to talk to about boundries in such situation. NC with OW would means we get completely cut off from our extended family. We are immigrants in this country and our extended family is all that we have. Unfortunately I don't have any concrete evidence that I can produce. WH has now stopped calling OW frequently. I don't have access to his laptop or emails to trace anything. I tried to do once and he was so mad that he has locked everything out now. Everytime I come face to face with OW all the lies and hypocracy comes alive. She behaves as if nothing has happened. Since her mother knows of my concern she behaves to prove that it is just my misunderstanding.
Since in PLAN A I am trying to do best to not bring the "R" or "M" talks, but sometimes they happen. WH goes to gym where the OW is a member too. WH's issue with me was of being clingy and so he wants to do things alone and be independent. Please help.

Help please. any insight????

" WH is also not ready for NC because he doesn't feel invested in M and is in M only for DD (4 years) sake and feels nothing for me. "

This says it all. It jumps off the page to me.

Your H is saying that he needs to feel in love with you frist then he will stop talking to OW. It doesn't work that way.

He will have to stop talking to OW first then over time and your Plan A will his feelings return.

As long as he talks to the OW she gets to fill his LB with her love and caring. If this keeps up they will grow together more and more and may end up as a PA.

If yo need to stop seeing parts fo your family in order to accomplish NC then so be it. Some people have moved to other states to get away from the OP.

Ask your H what he would give to be in love with you again. All he has to do is have NC for 6 months or so for this to happen.

yesterday I told him exactly that although in an email. He hasn't responded. I told him that he will not be able to feel the love for me unless he stops communicating with the OW. I talked to OW's mother and explained her that even if her daughter feels that she has platonic friendhsip, my WH doesn't. He has acknowledged his feelings for her to me and that's why this contact must stop and she must help me. the OW mother promised me to talk to both WH and the OW because she now understands the gravity of the situation.
good thing is we are going away for vacation tommorrow. I will have about 4 days with H. Keeping fingers crossed. Will be focussing on Plan A. Any advise?

The OW mother promised me that she will talk to both OW and my WH. She is somebody my WH respects a lot.

We came back from vacation. Most of the time it was nice. I received an email from WH saying that

- He is in the marriage for our daughter's sake
- What he feels for OW is not circumstantial and hence will not feel anything for me. He claims that this will not chnage for rest of our lives and I will continue to feel empty because I would always want more from our relationship and he is unable to give that
- He feels that my asking him to work on the marriage and NC is not something he is in state for. Strangely his response is why should I do this? just because now you have realized that we need to work on our marriage. Well guess what I am not going to do it. Why should things just happen according to you. I responded to him saying I understand how he feels and realize that in such a state I don't expect him to anything that he doesn't want. All I know is that with baby steps and prefessional help it is possible.
- Talked to OW mother and she says that I should not focus on OW at all because she is not contacting WH and there are no feelings on her part. OW mother says nobody can do anything about WH's feelings for the OW. WH told OW Mother that the problems with us has nothing to do with OW and is due to 9 years of issues in our M.

But now all is in open. I feel helpless with the feeling that my WH may never become H that I love and cherish. He asks me to let go of this and focus on other things in life which are important. He although refuses to W on marriage saying that things will not happend just because I think it is something that should be done. He doesn't say that we should not work on marriage but he just doesn't feel he can do it not does he feel like doing it.

Help me please I feel so desperate.

You may need to give WH a dose of reality. If it's true that OW doesn't feel for WH the way he does for her then this could be a good time to pull back IMO. If he thinks you are letting him go and moving on with life and then finds out that the OW is not a "love" option, then he may have to think about being alone.

How long have you been in plan A? How was the REAL state of your M pre affair? Usually WS's make up things to justify what they are doing, abandoning the family, etc so that they can ease their guilt. If the M wasn't really that bad and you were a loving wife (not perfect) that met his needs and such then plan B may be your best option to get fence sitting wayward off the fence. He needs to understand that he doesn't just lose you but he loses DD as well. He needs to understand that it is not okay for you to live in a loveless marriage and that you will not.

Others chime in?

The M from my perspective wasn't great but wasn't as bad he potrays it now. I have been in Plan a truly only four 4 weeks. But in these weeks we have had all the talks of R and M so it is not 100% Plan A either. His biggest complain from me is that I do things the way I feel is right and are according to my timetable but don't take into account what he feels. The OW is not a 'love' option at all

WH says to live in a loveless marriage is not right because his own parents have a dysfunctional relationship marred with presence of OW in his F's life. His M put up with all that because of the kids and the social pressures of the contry they live in. They don't live in US. He himself doesn't condone the presence of OW but says that he cannot help the way he feels for the OW and understands it is wrong but he cannot do anything about it. Secondly blames me for not listening to him and claims that for the 9 years of the marriage ge has been unhappy because he felt controlled and pushed by me. He feels he has tried everything and doesn't believe in MC. He is very stubborn by nature and feels he know it all. I although feel that he hasn't tried at all and partially because he always had the OW in contact. I have told him in my last communication that I am not prepared to live in a loveless marriage and I feel he hasn't tried everything because he hasn't accepted NC withthe OW and nor has he tried MC.
I want to give Plan A more time because I feel that the WH is just trying to prove a point when he says "why should I do something just because it is according to what you think now".
I am required to go away with my DD for 2 weeks outside the country in March.

Is there a way to be dark and yet be in Plan A?

I am not ready for Plan B myself since I don't feel I have truly done Plan A long enough because of all the clases we have regarding the R and M talks. So what do I do. I feel so much at loss. On the face we seem to be quite well adjusted couple but below the layers there is no relationship.

WH went out for his photography walks. This is something he does every weekend for 2-3 hours in the morning. This triggers in me this paranoia. I think I am really loosing it. I am so confused. I love my H but this WH is killing me inside. The NC is nowhere in sight. My plan A is just not doing well because I am so concerned about him making C with the OW. Is it really time for Plan B? I am so not ready. What all should I get done in order to be ready for Plan B. To me it seems that WH is almost trying to force for me take decisions by asking me as to why I want to be in the M (3 days ago in an email) when he will never be able to give me wha I want from M because of how he feels for the OW. It seems I am just caught in the unending fight to rebirth my marriage. I am so hurt and pained angry with my WH. Is there really any hope?

I just had a chat with My WH. He says that he doesn't want to be in a marriage as an obligation to anybody. Rightnow he feels that way in our M. He feels that for past 9 years (we have been married for 9 years) of our M he felt that he had to do things to keep happy even though he didn't want to or like. Even now he says that why should I work towards our marriage just because I think it is what should be done. He feels that we can at best stay as aquaintances and if that is not acceptable to me we should get divorced. He says that it is not about OW and he can wait until the OW gets married and then get divorced. He feels that I keep blaming the OW instead of looking at what I need to do. He said that when I have said that I don't want to be in this situation why can't I just accept it, instead why do I tell him that it is wrong to feel this way and we need to work on the marriage. He just can't see how hard and bad it is for me and his own daughter. He says that he felt imprisoned all these 9 years because he always did what I decided. I told him that I never expected him to do anything the didn't want to. In all this I can feel the WH screaming and the H not seen anywhere. I just don't know how shoudl I implement plan A. Can any veterans here help me with some structure approach. I am feeling so weak in my knees and shattered that I just do know what to do. Plan A pros please help here. Can't think straight right now.

Hello Moveon,

Sorry to hear about your sitch. I'm no pro, but I am like so many others here that have struggled with this. Please take a moment to breath.

You have something very strong in your favor. Something that I believe many BS would trade in a moment: your H is not having a PA and you have confirmation that OW is not interested. Start with that.

I agree that without NC, it will be hard for Plan A to be effective. BUT, contact has seemingly become limited. This is better than nothing! You already have a leg up!

The BEST thing you can do for yourself right now is focus on YOU and your DD. Plan trips to the park, away for the weekend, or to a movie and treat. Invite WH to join, or not - "whatever." Start to build strength in yourself. You are okay! You will be okay! Be strong for YOU and DD!

As a side note, think about the OW in terms of behavior/characteristics. What does your H like about her? What qualities does she possess that he likes? Is it something you desire too and can work on for yourself?

If you aren't already, join a gym. Start working out. In a big way - regularly. Look good. Look SEXY. It will make YOU feel good about YOU, too!

Best~

blue

Thank you so much Misterblue. You are a god send today. I had been feeling like I have nobody to turn to. I have scheduled an appointment with SH for tomorrow. Hopefully I will have some direction. Right now I just feel devasted realizing how wayward and selfish my H has become. The OW is a family friend and they both know that they have no future. In fact the OW has another BF outside the country who apparently knows about the friendship of WH snd OW and still is very much with the OW. But since OW and her BF are in different coutnried at the moment I don't know.
I have already lost a lot of weight and focussing on personal appearance. I am struggling more with the realization that how selfish and resentful my H has become and how wrongly he is accusing me for everything. Thank you once again Misterblue. I had been getting very disheartenend with the responses I had been getting just because there would be too little response on this board for my thread. The advise I have got has been excellent and very helpful and I am so thankful to all. But sometimes I am lookign for just support for the time and I just keep staring but get no response. I am so thankful for you words and encouragement to help me see the positive side. I just needed that small ray of hope.

you have only been in plan A for a little while

give it more time

i know plan A is awful

giving and getting less than nothing back....getting what you are giving rejected sometimes

but you have a reason to hope

it seems that few men leave unless they have SOMEONE to go to

hang in there

You are most welcome. I know this is hard. My own sitch left me feeling so empty and fragile TOO TOO often. We have all been on the A diet and lost lots of weight (and sleep). It's a perk actually - looking on the brighter side - we get to read, clean house, pull out stray hairs, paint a room (more than once). Lot's of free time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So - don't you even worry about how selfish he seems to be. That's SO NORMAL. You just be the person you want to be. Have you seen the movie "The Secret" - it was on Oprah last week or so. It basically says this:

We attract what we think and believe.

So, think and believe in yourself. Stop thinking negative thoughts (worry makes for more worry). Think and believe that you will have a beautiful family full of love, commitment and life. This will make you a better YOU. Keep in mind, as this happens, you may realize that you want more than what you are getting - and you will get it! Just think it and act on that!

Here's another exercise - write down everything you like about your H and focus on those things. Tell him in little ways the things that you like about him. Maybe ask him this: "Hey, I know you don't think much of me right now, but I'm curious, what ONE thing do you like about me?" And then the next day, ask him to come up with another. Get him to focus/think about what he LIKES - not dislikes.

Thinking negatively breeds negativity...

Just say no...

Praying for you...

blue