I'm sure this all sounds familiar to everyone thats been here for a long time, but I needed to get it out.

I've been married to my wife for the past 12 years. I'm 38 and she's 36. For the most part our marriage has been filled with good times, We've built a good family (2 girls) have a nice home, have good jobs, and talk openly. 2 years ago she met a guy at work who hung out with her on smoke breaks, and worked her over verbally everyday at lunch until she felt more than friendship. Needless to say, they had an affair, until I found out, then it broke apart. I kept my cool, and moved out . She called and pleaded for me to come back. I did.. She told me what was missing in her life, and I worked like crazy to fix the problems. Everything seemed to be going ok, until last month when she became somewhat cold, and down. It got to the point where I could not stand it anymore, and I asked her what was up. Nothing she said...
World of Warcraft is a great game, and my wife loves it! I'm not as big into it as she is, and she's made many good friends. Anyway, long story short. I loged into the game with her character and was suddenly surprised to see messages being sent from some guy who said he was madly in love, and really enjoyed the other night of virtual sex that they had. I cant wait to finally meet you when you come up!! Imagine my surprise. I felt sick to my stomac. I quickly left the game, and found that her email was left open, and made the mistake of reading a couple of messages. I'll leave the rest to you.


Is this like the dirty sock syndrome? Is it time for her to toss the old socks?? I give her space, I take her out, I spend time watching movies with her. I tell her everyday I love her, and I surprise her with little things from time to time. I dont sit in front of the TV all day drinking and wathing football. I do 80% of the housework, and I love her more than anything!!!


Plz help <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
We talked about this, and again I was a gentleman, and this time she says, that she does not love me anymore!?! She wants out, and I can have the kids, house, and everything else!?! She is still here, but it's only a matter of time. I'm begging for her to stay, and I'm pleading for someway that I can fix this problem that she has. I'm lost, just like the thousands of others who want this to work.



D.

I might just take her up on her offer and get it in writing from the lawyers. I would then expose to her family, and then let her come crawling back. Afterall, she would have lost everything. She must agree to the M on your terms if she wants back. I am of the firm belief that you allow a person one mistake. If it happens again, they have a serious character flaw and are a serial cheater. Get a lawyer and get everything you can out of her NOW while she is in the fog. Let her do the pleading and begging in the future.

I am truly sorry that you are in this situation, but you have come to a good place for support/help.

Ditto JMW, it's time for a dose of reality for your WW. If she leaves, she leaves without the kids...and under no circumtances do you leave your home or kids. Get an atty in place for legal separation and temp custody in case she does leave... and remember it is far from over.



Do you see the folly in what I have quoted from you? Please read up on Plan A, and make sure you understand it. Plan A does not include begging, pleading or trying to fix someone else. It does however include examining the ways you may have fell short in the past and correcting them. It also includes acting in a manner consistent with loving diginity.

If you could describe a person acting with loving diginity, how would they look, act? Can you do that for us? Just because it is the way you are going to have to act from now on, and you need to get a good picture of it in order to become like it.

Does that make sense?

Thats one way of looking at it I suppose, but thats not me, and maybe someday down the road I will pay for not doing just that. I wish I could break her of the habit, and I've read the article on why wives cheat, and how they look for needs from other men that I'm going blind. The last time she did this I moved in with a girl a met at a bar for like 3 days. I think I was so confused that I needed an escape, but nothing felt right about the whole mess, so when she <wife> pleaded for me to come back, I came back. That was before I started reading this great site, and it's funny how ordinary people will do pretty crazy things in the heat of the moment. Thats all in the past now. I still keep holding out for more chances here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Its hard to see your own wife as a "serial cheater" but maybe thats the reality of it.

D

Are you able to get a copy of "his needs/her needs" as well as "surviving an affair", both available on this site?

I think you really need to read those two books, and please do not repeat any of your behaviour from the past. Time to get strong, and begin a really good Plan A, as well as protect yourself, which will be the beginning of defining and implementing your boundaries.

You kids need for you to protect them from this chaos.

You've got a lot of reading to do.

kk, I'm on it. Plan A

Thanks folks.

Dave,

The only way for her to begin to come to her senses is to feel consequences for her actions. You will have to set boundaries such as NC with the game person.

IMO I would cut off the internet completely to her, expose her actions to her parents, and anyone else who can have influence on her to make good judgements.

if she will not stop the contact, then it is up to her move out if that is her choice. Cut her off financially so that she has to feel the consequences of her actions.

The decisions are her not yours. Help her to make them.

When was this "meeting" supposed to happen?

Did she "go" anywhere that you didn't know about?

I agree with the advice here. If she goes, she goes without her children, she goes knowing what she is doing to her husband and her children. How old are your girls?

WoW is fun, but way too addictive for her to continue given this turn of events.

She must quit.

Break the CDs, close the account, delete her Lvl 60 Rogue Night Elf, etc.

You both need counseling to get at what is really going on here.

Do you believe she has had physical contact with this guy or any other since her first affair? If so, you both need to be tested for STDs. This may be humiliating for her, but it should be an essential, non-negotiable requirement for recovery.

Blessings, Davedmc. Hang in there. Keep posting and love your daughters.

Davedmc--

Please describe "Plan A" as you understand it.

What is the goal of "Plan A"?

I know you're in a frantic state right now. You want to name the beast and slay it.

I've been there.

Make a plan. Have boundaries and milestones. While you can't set anything in concrete in recovery, you need to have an idea of where you're going and how to get there.

Seek help and encouragement. You ARE doing the right thing. Just make sure you are doing the right thing the right way.

Blessings

Dave, I have learned some hard lessons from this site, and one of them is that if your WW is the one with the problem, then she is the only one who can fix it....and she has to want to. You can only control what YOU do... how YOU act, react and interact with WW. You cannot control what she does, even if that means she wants to leave. You control the environment YOU want to live in, and that is one with a faithful, committed wife. define your boundaries, lay them out and stick to it....if she crosses the line, show her the door.... these are her actions, her consequences. stop trying to fix her problem, you can't....you can only decide for yourself how long you are willing to give her to take care of her own issues.

sorry you are here, there are some wonderful resources though and lots of help. stay strong for your kids. you can do this.

The best way to break her habit is give her a hard cold dose of cruel reality. I would take her offer to protect my interests, and then let her know that you wish to reconcile one day with her once she works out her issues, and then plan B/D her.

He needs to try and save his marriage before he divorces (if he so chooses), and he needs to do Plan A before he can do Plan B (if he so chooses).

He is not without issues himself, and needs to identify and correct them to show her how it could be should she decide to return to he marriage.

Plan A comes before any other plan according to the ideas on this site for saving marriages from infidelity.

Exposure is part of Plan A, as is trying to meet her needs.

If she came back to the marriage now, and neither of them had undergone any changes for the positive (like he will do in his Plan A), they would have little chance of changing any past patterns and would likely end up in the same place yet once again.

Plan A is going to give Dave a chance to change some very unhealthy personal and marital patterns/dynamics.

If she just up and left, he would have little opportunity to Plan A, but she is not gone yet. So this is very much to his advantage.

JMHO

Looking for plan A, can someone point me in the right direction? It's probablly right in front of my nose.

Artor.. I read your story. Sounds like my world. My wife also had a EA back in 97 with her "first love" She insists that nothing ever happend, that it was only a clousure. I did not want to bring it up here in front of strangers <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> because I thought my story was already overly dramatic enough.

Here is a link Dave, it is under Harley's Q&A Columns on the main page of this site -

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

You should also read Pep's "carrot and stick of Plan A" as well as Ark's "lighthouse" thread, and learn how to do Orchid's "reverse babble" -

Okay, so this is her THIRD AFFAIR? Do you see a pattern? I RARELY if ever advocate this, but I would run down to the attorney's office and get her to sign away her life today to protect your own interests. Otherwise you will probably lose half your assets and only see your children on weekends. Is that what you want? People have reconciled many times after divorce. If you did get divorced and wanted to reconcile, you could get a prenup this time. I'm afraid that she will continue this behavior, and you will just wind up losing everything because some foolish misplaced loyalty to a serial cheater. I would plan A her while she is home, but from what you have said, you have addressed your issues after the previous A. Let me get some more people to advise you.

He has issues of his own in that he moved in with a woman. WRONG!

BUT, this woman sounds like a romantic serial cheater that needs this constant drama, attention, feeling in love feeling she gets from new relationships, immature, and more. To say that she would give up everything for a man she barely knows is insane, immature, selfish and worse.

I am with Jim on this. I would go and get everything in writing (w/ an attorney), protect my kids, myself and let her file D if she wants. In the meantime I would preach that there is a place to come home to that is safe. I would plan A her when I had the chance including exposing the A. But given her track record I would not give up the chance to get custody of my children, secure my finances, and more. She doesn't appear to be worth the risk IMO

Been here awhile.

I think you are actually getting good advice on two fronts. Given that this affair #3, there is no hope for this marriage unless she address some deep issues. Things don't change unless changes are made. Does that make sense?

Go to the lawyer, draw up separation agreement with you getting house, kids, whatever. THEN, plan A your fanny off.

You want her to know there is a way back IF she will address what is really going on with her. Plan A will allow that. Yet, you NEED to protect your children and yourself.

If you were female I would not be taking quite this stand, but in the courts of today, you are at a huge disadvantage wwhen it comes to children, the home, etc. Do what you have to do to protect your children and your home and do it NOW.

Please think about this very carefully or your children may end up living with some game playing Dud that is into God knows what.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks again folks.

This is alot more input than I expected, and now I have alot to fig out. It's an emotional roller coaster for sure, and it does not help that I'm emotional <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Its hard to push this when you have 2 little kids 10 and 12 living life as always. Last night she told them that things were going to change, and as expected they did not take it well. I spent the better part of the night keeping kids in sync. As for the lawyer... I have 0% experience there, although I'm sure that will change. Sitting here all day by myself mulling things over has not helped, and when she gets home, the fun will begin again no doubt. I cant wait :P

As for the woman I visited, she was going through the same situation back then, and we hit it off as a way to talk about our problems. Unfortunetly she had been seperated for several months, and I was just lost running the roads. She wanted alot more (A man) , but I came home. Home was a better choice at the time. It was the feeling of being wanted that mattered most at the time.

I know the pain is not forever, but when you build from the ground up, its hard to see it come crumbling down.

Thanks again for all your comments.
I'll keep you updated..

D.

And while you do whatever you choose to do, start a journal and keep it safe.

Purchase and install a keylogger so you can obtain all her passwords and get access to all her e-mail accounts.

Purchase and install a voice activated recorder and hide it in your home, then you can monitor all her Land Line phone calls.

Keep all this evidence secure, even with a very trusted friend or a safety deposit box.

You must first protect yourself in whatever transpires from here on.

Yours is not the first of problems bred from these online gaming sites. Nor will it be the last, sadly.

Best wishes,
SD

Update:

She came home after work, it was all pins and needles stuff, and we did not say much. Suddenly she said that she wanted to go get milk!?

I said we have enough, and she gave me a glare, and I took it to mean she wanted some cool down after work.

This is where it gets strange... While she's out, the phone company calls asking if someone is using our phone card....

She came home, and I asked how the call went. The look on her face was total confusion. Needless to say she called her "friend" of warcraft.

That was it for me. The normally laid back Dave just let loose. Not in a firestorm way, but rather a how could you let this happen kind of way.

She left. Drove away, and said goodbye. Took a bag with clothes, and personals.

I am pretty sad for sure, but I take insperation from some of the messages here. We live pretty far from family and friends, so theres nobody to really chat with. But at least the kids are here, and it's time now to move on. I hope at least she has the common sense to visit her children. Geez, it really makes you wonder what the ****** happend. I blame myself sometimes, but inside I know I'm a good guy and father. We'll make it work.

Sorry for ranting, but it beats the bathroom mirror.

D.