That was fast. I hope you have read up on Plan A by now. She will be back.

I would get a financial agreement in place in the mean time. They feel guilty at first, but later will rake you over the coals.

Or, she'll need a place to live and clean out your checking and savings accounts.

Truth is, she'll probably be back by bedtime.

This is all very hard to do and anything close to Love busters will work very much against you.

Much of this program is getting full control of yourself, first. Only then can you be effective and making any impact on your W.

SD

Dave--

The advice here is right on -- she will, in all probability, return. You have taken the first step toward making her see just how low she has fallen. One of the first things that may rise above the fog is her desire to see her children. You need to monitor this and be involved. In her current state, there's no telling what she might say to them.

Please ensure you are protecting the welfare of your children.

This means limiting the amount of access your wife has in her current state to family finances.

If she has a checkbook or debit card, close the account.

Open a new account and move family money there -- or move your paycheck there along with enough to keep things going at home.

She does not deserve access to the money that is used to keep your household running.

So, do you still have access to her WoW account? Can you still log on (your own character) and find her? What do you know about this other guy? Has she ever met him in person or have REAL pictures of him? (Could he be some pimply faced 13 year old or an overweight 50 year old guy living in his mother's basement or something other than she thinks he is?)

I ask this because you gave her the first dose of reality -- your boundaries have been crossed and you are not going to let her live in her fantasy world and your marriage at the same time. Good on ya.

If she meets this guy for real and he is something other than whatever WoW fantasy man he painted himself to be, your wife will be lost in despair, regret, depression, etc. She will begin to see what she sacrificed for an illusion. You need to not cave to her emotional response.

You sound much like me in that I allowed my wife's emotions to dictate my response early on after D-Day. That hampered any progress we would have made. I should have taken a firmer stand on my boundaries and the MB principles. She needs to see that her decisions, however much she regrets them, have consequences and she has to shoulder her share of the burden of restoring your relationship.

In all of this, take hope. There is a path through this that restores your marriage and family.

Blessings.

Thanks again everyone,

It's 9:30am here and still no sign or call. The kids are amazing, and have been helping clean up. Wish I was that strong. As for WOW guy, he's a 30 somthing guy with a bad back and no job. Guess he must have a very sexy voice or something. Anyway, no calls or visits. And yes it was very fast. She played head games all day by asking me "do you want me to stay?" Before you beat me to death, I am pretty confused, and of course I would like her here, but then she would twist it around and say "I can't" This is the person I met along time ago. My best friend, girlfriend, and wife of my 2 girls. You tend to remember all the good times, and when crap like this happens you cant admit to yourself that it's real <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> You want to bury it quick and hope it will heal just as fast. Man, lots of pain for sure. Must get back to the laundry. It keeps my sanity.

D.

Well, I'd like to make a suggestion...I'm not sure how "MB-correct" this advice will be tho.

Since she's out...and out totally unprepared for being that way...take advantage of how she left, and DO NOT LET HER COME BACK UNLESS SHE MEETS YOUR SPECIFIC RECOVERY REQUIREMENTS. In other words, what would normally fall into a plan B letter.

Don't let her back unless she's already broken off all contact with OM(s) of any kind. Unless she agrees to follow the Open Book policy with you...unless she's willing to go to marriage counselling with you, and is completely ready to come back.

Here's my reasoning...she left the house when she was totally unprepared for the 'reality' of doing so. Letting her suffer the consequences of that choice...'manning up' if you will and holding her accountable NOW...will prevent this from being drawn out over time waiting for her to make up her mind.

The normal plan is to go to plan B after a good plan A. But in this case, I'd go to plan B before she's had the chance to plan out her escape.

I'd go ahead and expose to her family and friends RIGHT NOW. Let them know that she's left, exlain why, and let them know that you don't know when she'll be back.

Something similar happened in my case...for my full story, do a search for posts by me over in the recovery section. But the bottom line is that my wife moved into a motel for about a week when her online EA was discovered. I exposed to everyone, thinking she wasn't coming back, and trying to get anyone that she might listen to to talk with her.

I didn't set the conditions I'm mentioning as part of her return, but I didn't need to...OM pretty much was hurt by her waffling and ended the affair himself.

But give some thought to my suggestion...it seems a good way to protect your daughters from their mom's temporary insanity, as well as start the foundation for recovery.

Davedmc--

I suspect your wife is consoling herself about how unfair her life is. Yes, I know, you're thinking "How unfair HER life is?", but that's how she may be seeing things.

I suggest you focus on yourself and your girls. They are precious (they're 10 and 12, right) and their protection should be the top priority. You are doing that. Great.

Take care of yourself, too.

When your wife comes home again, and I'll wager lots of money she will, she needs to find you and your girls doing fine. She needs to see that you are stable and above the turmoil. Not easy give how you feel inside, but it really is the most loving thing you can do for her. Be a "lighthouse" as it is referred to here.

She is confused, angry, unstable. Deep down, she probably knows this other guy is a loser. Is the OM married? Does he live with his mom? Making life difficult for him through exposure may help.

Be strong. Laundry sucks. Is there anything around the house you can do with tools -- hammer, saw, drill? A home improvement project that has been lagging? Work some aggression out and focus on your home for you and your girls.

Blessings.

What JL and Artor said.

See a lawyer and draft up an LSA, with the terms she stated...she leaves, you stay in the house with the kids. If she signs it, your family is safe, and you will have the high ground in any future proceedings.

Protect your family finances unless you want to fund an affair! Drain the accounts and set up new ones. Change the passwords on everything - IRA, 401k, and so on. And get that phone card turned off.

Do you want to keep this marriage? Or do you want to let WW go?

Something else...do a search on her computer. If they've been 'seeing' each other, it's a good bet she's got pictures, files, etc...with info about OM.

Get a keylogger installed if you have any reason to believe that she'll be coming home...so that you can track what she does when she returns.

This has turned into a BLOG of sorts for me, except it talks back and gives great insight that I was never expecting. I cant say thanks enough. I want to turn this whole matter around and discuss my problems a bit.

Last night (Wednesday) she came home, and we spoke like adults. Her love is gone for me, and to get it back I have a huge wall to break down. That hurt, and she laid out on the table my problems.

First I will tell you who I am.

I'm an average guy, 38 who loves to love. A little emotional, but not so much that I'm a mush.

I get up everyday, tell me wife I love her, go to work, call her once during the day. Every goodbye is followed by I love you.. I don't drink, unless out with others, and we rarely have anything other than wine here. I have never beat my wife, and don't call her fat, skinny, ugly, stupid, etc. I treat my girls like gold. I cook, clean, etc

This is why she cheats (according to her) and some of the following things I agree with. Read on...

I hate to go out. And I tend to avoid people. My response: Its partilly true, I love going to the park, I do alot of the grocery shopping, take kids to the mall, etc but I feel more secure at home raising my family, and while I recognize the importance of going out from time to time, it can be hard when my wife has so much planned activity in World of Warcraft. Thats not a great excuse, but the kids are coming of age, to stay home alone. I always the say the best is yet to come, thats prolly my issue here.

"You hate my friends". Many years ago, yes I was critical of a few of her friends. That has changed over the years. I am a bit protective. I'm working on this. Last year she was off on a 4 hour drive, and I was worried about the weather, etc. She told me I was not her father, and not to worry. except at 80db

Little surprises. This one is very important to me. Flowers, warm bath with the rose petals. The problem I have here, is that I can never plan these events, because every night when she plays that damn game I feel less and less like doing those things. I sit there, and she has the headset on, blasting monsters. I'm not saying I was any better before the game, but I've been around here for a long time as a non-member, reading and reading, planning for change. It does not happen over night.

In any case, these are my issues, and these are the reasons why my wife has looked beyond her marriage to other men.

Now for the book part. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
When we first met 15 years ago, I had no job. she was 19, and we ended up living together while in college. Times were hard. We were doing nothing for each other. We loved each other, but it was a mess. Not until my wife became preg, that I decided the time had come to grow up. I found a job, we married, and it was good for the first couple of years, however,I was not doing the above duties. I was blind, and I suppose that I thought everything was peachy keen, just rolling through life. Because of that mindset, she was lured back to her first love (who was also married). She kept it well hidden for months, and in the end decided to come back home to me. We never really talked about it, and time went on. We moved into a larger home, had another daughter together, then once again she found herself in the arms of another man. This time a fellow who was 10 years younger, in and out of trouble with the law, etc. She asked me to leave, and being the good guy, I left. Right into the arms of another woman. It was right place wrong time. The strangest 3 days of my life. As I have posted in other messages, I ended up returning home. My wife admitted her serious mistake, and was seeing a doctor, counsoler, etc. They described her as depressive, etc, etc. She took several pills for at least 2 years, and started to come around. Then she started to hate them, pitched them all out, and still seemed to be fine. I introduced her to world of warcraft. I thought it would be fun for the 2 of us to play together, and we did for over a year. We met lots of great people, and had loads of fun. The problem with such an epic game is the time you need to commit. Players are expected to sign up for dungeon crawls, etc, and I just did not meet the req. I work midnights 7 days out of the month, and everyone else was simply more advanced in character development. For my wife, the same was not true. The game continued until the kids had to bark at her just to get her to look away from the screen. She was really having a good time playing, and unfortunetly for me, I saw it as something that made her happy. We still managed a trip to Boston last year and had a great time, but home time was 99% in front of that game. Clothes were pililng up, dishes were walking on the counter. I started to nag her a bit about playing last Aug, and took a crap beating for it. I would have never guessed that it would lead to this.

But she still insists that all of this is because I did not do those 3 or 4 little things to make her happy.

With that said... lol
I have exposed her to her mom and dad, her sister, one of her good friends. They were already aware of the previous times, and are completly disgusted with her behavior. No matter how many times I tell these folks of my wrong doing's, they completly defend me.

So my question to you, am I to blame for this? Is it fair for her to turn the tables?

Thanks again.
Dave.

Dave-

Go read my story. You'll find it strangely familiar...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

You're not the first guy to go through this...trust me on that.

No...you are NOT all to blame for this. But right now, she's looking for any reason she can to avoid the blame of her choices to fall back on her. So she picks the little things that you've done wrong and made them into huge things. Very familiar to me.

Did she move back in the house?

If so, then tell her that the ONLY chance you have with ANY (read marriage, frienship, ANYTHING) to do with you is to give her complete and undivided attention to your family and your marriage for the next 60 days. No OM, no WoW, no internet...nothing.

She needs to completely cut off ANY kind of contact with OM...period.

She needs to completely drop off of WoW for the next 60 days...period.

She needs to agree to spending time with you doing 'date nights'.

She needs to give your marriage a chance by attending marriage counseling (and make sure you pick the MC).

She needs to spend family time with you and the kids.

She can still spend "her time"...but without gaming or OM. Getting her nails done, shopping, etc...anything that a married woman would NORMALLY do is of course still acceptable. But her primary focus needs to be on trying to fix your marriage and your family.

For sixty days, she needs to do this.

Tell her (word for word), after that, we'll see where we stand. (that doesn't mean you're agreeing to a divorce...but it lets her think that it's an option)

The trick here is to get her to end her addiction to OM, and to get her to end her online gaming addiction...I know what it's like...I dealt with this in my situation too. If you tell her she's got to do this forever, she's going to think she can't do it. She wont agree. But if you set a timeline on it, and make her understand that ANY violation of this resets the timer over (such as contacting OM)...she can consider it at least.

I made a similar suggestion to another poster about a year ago...Sysyphus. It worked for him.

Give this some thought. Right now, the biggest enemy of your marriage is her addictions...to OM, and to WoW. Both need to be dealt with at the same time.

Good luck friend...keep posting and reading here.

Oh...and tell her that your part in all of this will be to work on EXACTLY the same thing, focusing on fixing all the changes that she's pointed out to you.

Owl, in your opinion would getting rid of the computer at home (cold turkey) be viable?

I know any addiction I have ever had I had to quit cold turkey.

Our computer at home crashed last summer, right before I was going to shut her down anyway, and I have not fixed it because I don't want the dang thing at home.

Is this too much to ask or expect, do you think?

Dave, you sound like you have a very good head and are not looking for quick fixes. Willing to take a look at your own faults speaks volumns about where you will end up, but you are not responsible for her choices, plain and simple. There is gross immaturity going on here, but hopefully that is about to change.

Jeez Owl, thats just to close. I read your story, and I was reading mine for sure. Thank god for this site!!

Thanks for that.

Weaver-

Actually, I'd advise him to do just that...but attempt to get her agreement to the 'marriage trial' first if at all possible. In my case, I didn't do it exactly like that...I shut down our gaming accounts, and for the first week I stole the cable modem cables when I went to work...no network connection that way!!

After that first week, I ended up giving the cables back (kids had to have internet access for homework). In her case, she'd associated the online gaming with 'being with OM'...and OM had sorta dumped her. So she didn't WANT to get back in game. This did bite me in the butt, as she resumed IM contact with OM somewhat...but he was so hurt by her confusion over what to do that it helped too. He was pushing her away.

I got lucky in the way that OM played things out...most people don't. Given that, I would push for removing the computer for now, ESPECIALLY if she agrees to work on the marraige. Don't ask about removing the computer...if she agrees to work on the marriage and "no more WoW or internet"...remove the computer and tell her that this is what you meant by that. Hehehe


Dave-

There is hope. This kind of affair is more common than a lot of people realize. Gaming forums provide a GREAT start to infidelity. I know of at least 10 marriages that have been hit by exactly what you and I have gone through.

Dave-

I'll say one other thing tho...

I have a lot more concern in your case...because your wife has cheated TWICE. Either the issues weren't addressed the first time around, or you could be married to someone who simply is a serial cheater...addicted to the feelings generated by an illicit affair. If it's the latter, then as tough as it is, I'd say that you're better off going to plan D.

But that's up to you to decide. Good luck to you, friend.

Update,

Well its been a couple of weeks now, and there is no chance of her working with me on this. This may not sound so surprising to those who have been here for awhile, but I wanted to share with you what has become of this....

Lots of talking. Lots and lots. Some good, some bad, and I think we both exausted our emotions. She has said it over and over that she no longer loves me. She was never able to let go of the OM. They would call each other every night while I was at work, even after I asked her not too. She's even driven the 5 hours to his house again, leaving us to worry, and wonder what the heck was going on. Now the good part... She wants to leave, and thats great. I wish her the best in finding her true happiness. She has found a basement apt only a mile from home, and last night she told me that the OM will moving down and living with her. A guy she has met face to face twice, and played games with for 6 months prior. It's laughable at this point. Here is a guy who has nothing. One bag full of clothes, a busted up back, and no job. I sent him a nasty email the other day, and basically called him a bum, thanked him for destroying any hope, and he had the gull to call my wife, and tell her he would beat me up if he could. lol. She's leaving 2 little girls, a nice big home, a good man with lots of love for her. Pretty sad, and I've lost plenty of sleep, but thats just how crazy life can be sometimes. I can only wish her luck at this point.

Thanks for all the great help here folks. It was worth giving it another go in my mind, but now I'm seeing the reality of it all.

Take care

Please make sure you take legal measures ASAP to ensure you get sole custodial rights to those girls. You have no idea what influence the bum has on her and apparently it is a lot...so legal protection of your kids first and formost...wishing her happiness later.

When someone leaves as abrubtly as she has, our vision and hearts are often clouded with those feelings of love and we want to see the one who left happy and protected. Believe me it is better to be angry at first until all legal avenues of protection are in place. Then you can wish her and the bum all the happiness in the world.

Dave, sometimes people need to suffer and struggle so they make decisions which will send them on a fast track to crash. It appears this is what she is doing, please make sure she doesn't get the chance to effect your girls life more than necessary and that the internet bum has no access to them. Not until things have had a chance to calm down and you get a better picture of where her (and his) head is.

I'm sure you know all this already, but it doesn't hurt to hear other people say it as well.

((((Dave))))

Dave,

Listen to Weaver....First and foremost your responsibility now is to your children. You must protect them from your WW (not your wife any longer, the wayward is in complete control) and that idiot, bum of a "man".

Get an attorney now and start the process of obtaining custody, child support, the home, property settlement, etc rolling....