How do you know when it is time to switch from plan A to plan B? I do know I am not ready personally, I have work to do on myself still. But my wife has begun taking things for granted again and is pulling away. Her "friendship" with OM and her career are taking over her life and her priorities. I've only been working on plan A and MC for 3 months so I know it is not ime yet. Any advice?

ct,
I am about 3 1/2 mos out from d day, and thought I knew everything about A. now I am finding out that it actually has been going on since august. I am just about seconds from plan B. my understanding is....you plan A until you absolutely cannot handle it any longer. plan B is supposed to be the last ditch effort, so you don't let the painful things WW is doing ruin the last light of love you hold for her. it is supposed to remove you totally from the unfair painful world you have been living in. and allow you to just work on yourself.

from what the veterans have told me, you will just know when it is time to plan B, everyone has their own level of readiness.

are you in MC with her, and she is still seeing OM???

ct,

If you say you're not ready, then you're not. I would wait at least 6 months of Plan A until you can't take it any longer or other situation arised like in my case, my WW moved out of our home after 2 months of plan A. A good Plan A is hard but a necessary step to Plan B to save your marriage.

Good luck.

What steps are you taking in plan A? Exposure? Working on improving yourself to make you more attractive to WS? Allowing WS to suffer the consequences of the affair?

I have exposed her to my friends and some family. I haven't exposed her actions to her mother. Not sure what the fall out would be from that. WW father cheated on her mother, had a second family, and neither WW or MIL have ever tuely forgiven him. So not sure what the impact on WW and MIL relationship would be if MIL were to find out about WW having an EA (WW calls it a special friendship not cheating). I still love my wife, and for some reason I have been protecting her, I don't know why. I have told her that I think she cheated and that I feel betrayed. The MC has told her what she has done is damaging to our marriage and could be dangerous. So I haven't pushed for her to work on us, I have left that up to her. So far she has refused to follow the councilors advice on things for us to do, little homework assignments. She won't cut off her "friend", he is one of her managers at teh company she runs. Her boss is in Italy, where they could care less about affairs as long as they dont interfere with business, so no one above her to report her to.

I'm working on me. New hobbies, new clothes, trying to lose weight, etc. Back in church, trying to get closer to GOD. Wife sees these things and remarks on them. But there is always some little zinger added in...."All you do for me and I don't so anything for you..."

So not quite sure what I'm supposed to be doing here. I've stepped up and apologized for my inactions in our marriage, I now do the lion's share of the house work and taking care of the kids, trying to give my wife some room so she wont feel so over whelmed. She took this as an opportunity to put in more hours at work and spend less time with me or teh kids.

What else am I supposed to do?

ctW,

Ok, first how old is your W? How old are the children?

This is rather important.

Next, since your W claims she is NOT having an affair, I think it would be appropriate that you go to your MIL and explain that the marriage is having difficulties and you need HER opinion. "What would you (MIL) think if a W brings a man to the house when you are going because she knows you would not approve?" "W claims there is no affair, but all she talks about is OM." "She is ignoring the children and me for work and this OM."

"MIL I call it an emotional affair, what do you call it, and can you offer any advice on how I can save and rebuild this marriage? I don't want to lose her."

That is how you expose to MIL. Answer MIL's questions honestly but continue to restate your goal to save this family, this marriage and your love for your W.

Straight up, honest, and to the point. You are seeking help and guidance from the person that knows your W best. Any reasonable person would do this. Now you know and I know that your W will be livid...tough. This is not about pleasing your W, it is about saving your family.

Please consider exposing to MIL. Your W's perspectives and priorities are messed up.

God Bless,

JL

My wife is 34, we hve been married for over 5 yrs (together for 6 yrs), we have a 4 yr old son and a 13 3yr old step daughter (hers from previous marriage) that we have 50-50 custody.

I don't know what to do.

She says she loves me but refuses (even when asked) to meet my EN my way, must be done her way even if it does not meet my EN. Her career comes first and foremost. 60-70 hrs a week is average for her. She claims that her friendship with OM is necessary because she needs someone to talk to about work issues other than me, since I'm not at her job I don't know what problems/crisis she has to deal with. Sex has been almost non-existant in our marriage since she became pregnant with our son. Once every 6-8 weeks she will give in, and I'm not to touch her (other then her back or shoulders) in between those times.

She'll say that she loves me and is happy in our marraige, but fights me on any decisions to be made. unfortunatley I developed the habbit of giving in so as to maintain the peace. No more of that.

I'm fighting not only her selfishness but all that has been done to her by other men (ie cheating ex-boyfriends or husband or her father). She ackowledges that I am nothng like them but lumps me in with them when she makes choices for herself (she makes chioces that benefit her not us).

Need advice........

ctw,

My advice talk to MIL. You can only work on yourself, but here is something YOU need to really work on. Your boundaries. What are they with regard to affection? What are they with regard to intimacy? What are they with regard to how mucy respect/disrespect you receive?

Of course your W is happy. You seem to be the one responsible for the kids right? You don't "bother" her for sex. You do what she tells you right? IN short, she is good to go, as she has OM, she has you, and all do what she says.

The woman has issues, big issues. You might ask her if she would accept you treating her as she treats you? But, I really think unless she will undertake counseling, you have a big problem. How you address them depends on YOUR boundaries. So focus on those first.

There is much more to say, but let's start with this.

God Bless,

JL