I found your site while looking for resources on forgiveness. My husband cheated on me just 7 days after our wedding with his ex girlfriend in an alcohol-induced goodbye ceremony. I just found out last week.

We are newlyweds. Neither of us have a history of cheating. I feel strongly that I can forgive him. We are now very interested in following the Marriage Builders program to keep something like this from happening again. However, there is one problem.

The question I have is with regard to Radical Honesty. I had an online affair for two weeks prior to my learning about my husband's betrayal. I was trying to end it but I was clearly addicted and sliding down a slippery slope. I did it because the man online met my emotional needs because my husband is currently deployed to Iraq and we have no communication except for an occassional phone call. My husband won't write letters and he has no internet access.

Due to health problems, I had been quarantined for over a month. I was alone and afraid and had nobody to talk to most days. I craved attention so I went after an anonymous "attention fix" online in a chat room. The fix turned into a friendship that included cyber sex and phone sex. I knew it was wrong and tried to end it but could not control my urges to talk to cyberguy.

The day I learned of my husband's infidelity, I was finally able to stop because I could see from my own pain how much it could hurt my husband. I haven't spoken with the man (or anyone else) since.

My question is, do I tell my husband about my cyber affair? The Policy of Radical Honesty says that I should and I can see the benefits of revealing, thus having to account for my online behavior in the future. Then, my brain tells me that it's over and it is not going to happen again so why cause my husband the same pain I have been experiencing? What good will come of telling him? There's even a part of me that WANTS him to feel that same pain so I hesitate telling him for fear that I may be trying to punish him for his behavior. I also fear that if I tell him, it will affect his entusiasm to chat with me when his internet connex arrives. We have been waiting for months to see and talk to each other online and this could ruin the possibility of us trying to build our marriage long distance via the internet. He is also in the dangerous position of war right now and knowing what I did could make him vulnerable to injury if he is so preoccupied with what I am doing at home.

My question to you all is, should I reveal the cyber-affair to my husband?

Let me re-order your post sentences:


It sounds like you both have a history of cheating, lying, and deluding yourselves. I think R/H, while critically important, is only one problem in this M. How long was DH carrying on with exgf before you and he were married, if their "goodbye" didn't even take place until a week after the fact...??? How did you find out? And if I understand this correctly, you either had that on-line A while dating and/or even while married. Please help me understand, why did you two get married?

MB is a great place to learn the relationship skills you need. So if you and DH are feeling ready to embrace MBing, let me ask, why would you consider keeping DH in the dark about your indiscretion?

It is imparrative that you tell him ASAP, but as quick as I say that I also say, you need to time it right. you need to be fac toface with some time to discuss this, like days at least.

Chobbs is right, your M needs more than just RH it needs all of Dr. Harleys concepts. you are lucky you found this site early in your M, its a gift horse, dont walk away from it.

Here's my little blurb, similar in a way to yours - about a few months after my W's A was discovered I told her about a one night stand I had with a mutual friend about two years before our wedding. That was 17 years ago, I never felt all that guilty for what I had done but after her RH about her A I started to feel a great deal of guilt that was building more and more as our recovery progressed, I soon figured I either needed to tell her quickly or take it with me to my grave. I started to really feel like a hypocrat and it was only getting worse. I came to her, sat her down, and spilled my guts out. she cried instantly, she was so hurt, then she held me. She followed up with a lot of questions and many more tears but 8 months later I can breath easier and allow myself to reap the rewards of RH. I am very proud of myself, I could have easily ignored my conscience and never told her, it would have likely never been discovered, afterall, it hadnt been for the previous 17 years. Besides the good feeling it gave me, I guarranty it has helped our recovery.

Good luck, he will understand, remember, he was on the same side of the fence as you at one time.

2LLP