Such a complicated issue. I will try to list a timeline to make the story shorter so I can get to the question at hand.

12/05-12/06-I started working on keeping my mouth shut. No belitting, berating, nagging. Serious issues still remained. In-laws very intrusive. Husband was lying about how he felt. Husband was not really interested sexually throughout entire marriage. I was angry every minute of every day.

1/06-Counseling=I was bitter. He was defensive. Dealt with bitterness. Felt a freedom I had never had. Began to learn to communicate my feelings honestly in love and set healthy boundaries. Husband still did not pursue me sexually.

7/06-Realized our issues were bigger than I realized. Husband had not been honest about big issues. Staying home with kids in future, Leaving his parents, His desire for me.

8/06-Ultimatum-Told husband he could move me by Aug of next year or I would move myself without him. We live practically in in-laws back yard.

9/06-Seperated in the house because of husbands withdraw issues and my tendancies to "make" him see the light.

9/06-11/06-Made huge changes in communicating. I invited him back in and he withdrew again the next day.

11/06-Said if he withdrew again and acted like he didn't want to be in the marriage I would move out. Would not stay in a relationship where only one person was emotionally present then moved out all in about a week.

Since have been in counseling. Found out he has a P&M addiction. Has admitted to having sex with other woman in his mind. I get a visual of this and it is extremely difficult to handle. I have been lonely the entire marriage and I have not resorted to affairs. He has lied several times during the course of all the truth coming out. Have found out things about our entire marriage and before that were lies. We have been married 4 1/2 years. Still wonder if I have the whole truth, but don't really want to know more. I want to file for a divorce. He does not. In my opinion, why would he. He has gotten to do everything in his little world he has wanted to to make himself feel better while I have suffered without. Now if I stay he gets that too. Anyway, my question is when should I actually file. I don't want to rush into any decisions for fear of making the wrong one. I cannot see how we could ever have a real relationship. We never really had one in the first place. Now I do not trust him at all. It is not the addiction. It is all the hiding and the lies. He is not like most people I have encountered in my..let's call it "colorful" life so far...that were manipulative and you could see them trying to get away with it. This man is seen as nice and sweet and sincere. Well, he has always looked that and he has been leading two lives. Why would I go back to someone that can hide that well and lead me down a path of destruction again. It kills me that he wants to stay and I worry that I will out of stupidity. I might forget how bad reality is while I am away and trying to forgive and learn to love again.

Any advice would be appreciated. I have lurked here for some time and I look forward to sharing on a very informative board.

Hi Growinghope...

I also have hope in my name. I think us hopefuls are slow to come around on what I am just beginning to accept (2 years seperated).

I'm no expert, but dealing with an addiction makes everything more difficult. I had followed all of the steps to try and repair my marriage after having made some bad choices (also from lonliness, resentment and anger). But in the end I have come to believe that my STBXH likes drinking and having his freedom to engage in porn and other unappealing sexual activities more than he like living and being married to me. So there it is and that's what I have to live with.

I wish I had figured this out earlier. I wish you all the best..no matter what - it aoppears your on a conscious track to make things better for you one way or another.

best

I am so sorry things are turning out that way for you. You are right. Hopeful for good sometimes makes us too hopeful for change.

Can I ask...did he make changes in the beginning of the seperation and then backslide? The addictions do make things so different. They say this takes 3-5 yrs to break and if you backslide that time frame starts over. We do not have children and I cannot see having them with him during that time frame for fear of what would happen.

Thank you for sharing.

I loved my husband, but I knew I would never want to have children with him. I was afraid that I would be a nervous wreck trying to protect them from his unpredictable behavior. I gave up the chance to have a family, and it makes me sad that I had to make that decision.

After our D day - when I came clean about my poor choices, he did stop drinking. One night when we were both in bed crying he lamnented that it was so easy for him to stop drinking and why didn't he stop long ago. It only took a few weeks and he began drinking again. Once day shortly after I moved out I came to the house on a Saturday afternoon. The music was blaring depressing music, and he was bleary eyed and unsteady on his feet. He told me he was happy to live alone. It always broke my heart to see my handsome and brilliant husband when he was impaired.

As far as the porn viewing, seeing call girls etc. I have no idea what he did after our seperation or since. I don't have the stomach to try and figure it out. I do know that he hooked up with his exwife and took her on a "blissful" trip to Europe!

I really suggest you go to Alanon. It helps you realize that you can't want change for anyone else - you can only change yourself. It's a hard pill to swollow but it's the truth. You have to let go and let God.

Soon you will have the strength to assess what you can and can't live with. I hated losing my marriage, but I didn't want my elder years to be spent with someone who couldn't or wouldn't be a friend and companion to me.

It's sad because I have come to realize more and more that it will be difficult to find such a friend and companion at my age (52)...but I would rather be alone than with someone who cannot share themselves with me.

Hang in there...you will be fine.

hopefulcis...Thank you so much for sharing. It is so hard to see right now, but I am hanging on to the hope of having the strength to assess what I can and can't live with. Talking about everything on this board is like group therapy. I have already started to see things clearer.

I totally agree with you about rather being alone than with someone who cannot share themselves with me. This is more pain than I have ever felt and I would not wish it on any person, but the alternative is too merely survive and do not believe that is what God intends for us.

How are you doing? Are you able to reveal your thoughts and feelings to your husband? Do you feel heard? I'm thinking of you and wanting all good things for you.

O.K. today. Thank you for asking.

I posted a thread on general questions so I could keep it all in one place. There are so many people viewing there. I do not feel like I can talk about my thoughts and feelings to my husband. I do not trust him enough to talk to him. I am trying to share on this board. It is like group therapy. I am finding it hard to acurately express all that has happened and where I am right now. That must be part of the growing process though. If I cannot understand it enough to communicate about it I don't know how I can come to peace with it.

GrowingHope - Even after our previous thread being similar.. WOW.. we are so identical... If you would not mind and allowing PM's, I would love to chat with you one on one, cause it is HARD to lay it out on the line.. ya know.

HopeLoveTrust...I am trying to enable the PM to work. I cannot figure out how. :-/ Do you know where I change that setting?

I did some research. I guess you cannot send a PM because they apparently want to keep everything in the public eye due to the sensitivity of the situations found on this board. I can understand that.

Anyway, it is hard to lay it out on the line. I have been judged unfairly on some of my other posts, but I am aware that I am not communicating very clearly right now and they definitely did not have the whole story so I am taking it for what it is in that light.

I felt like our situations were very much alike also. How have things been for you lately. Any better?

No, I don't want to take up your thread... but H left last week to seperate for a few weeks. I have only talked to him once just touching base - His decision to leave and he called me, I am giving him his space. I have however emailed and texted him normal house questions, nothing out of the ordinary. Also asked him to meet me this weekend to talk. So he can get more clothes and see our dog.

So hard, and becoming numb... I feel like I can't cry any more.. yet a tear comes out. I will post another thread this weekend on the discussion and the events leading up to it. When he left, he said some mean things to me.. He was mad that I still wanted to try... and then asked why I am not so upset that I tell him to get out....I think he wanted me to make it easy for him to leave. I didn't do that.

That sort of sucks about PM's... but understand. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oh and that about others giving you a hard time... gonna go look at the other posts. Chin up.. we WILL get through this, with or without them!

I am so sorry...Seperating is ******. Do you guys have a plan to reconcile or is he just trying to find out what he wants at this point? It is good you are giving him space. You will know what he truly wants.

I understand what you are saying about feeling numb. I felt like I was being forced to walk around in daily life after having some kind of extensive heart surgery. It does get better. I still cry sometimes when I am least expecting it. It just hurts. It is alot to work through no matter what direction it takes.

It would be good to post on the general questions forum. They do have some really neat people with alot of knowledge posting there.

Are you riding right now at all? I find the excersize is great and relating with an animal that is always honest no matter what kept my heart from hardening to the point of being like concrete. Of course friends and loved ones are so important to during this time.

Hang in there.