Such a complicated issue. I will try to list a timeline to make the story shorter so I can get to the question at hand.

12/05-12/06-I started working on keeping my mouth shut. No belitting, berating, nagging. Serious issues still remained. In-laws very intrusive. Husband was lying about how he felt. Husband was not really interested sexually throughout entire marriage. I was angry every minute of every day.

1/06-Counseling=I was bitter. He was defensive. Dealt with bitterness. Felt a freedom I had never had. Began to learn to communicate my feelings honestly in love and set healthy boundaries. Husband still did not pursue me sexually.

7/06-Realized our issues were bigger than I realized. Husband had not been honest about big issues. Staying home with kids in future, Leaving his parents, His desire for me.

8/06-Ultimatum-Told husband he could move me by Aug of next year or I would move myself without him. We live practically in in-laws back yard.

9/06-Seperated in the house because of husbands withdraw issues and my tendancies to "make" him see the light.

9/06-11/06-Made huge changes in communicating. I invited him back in and he withdrew again the next day.

11/06-Said if he withdrew again and acted like he didn't want to be in the marriage I would move out. Would not stay in a relationship where only one person was emotionally present then moved out all in about a week.

Since have been in counseling. Found out he has a P&M addiction. Has admitted to having sex with other woman in his mind. I get a visual of this and it is extremely difficult to handle. I have been lonely the entire marriage and I have not resorted to affairs. He has lied several times during the course of all the truth coming out. Have found out things about our entire marriage and before that were lies. We have been married 4 1/2 years. Still wonder if I have the whole truth, but don't really want to know more. I want to file for a divorce. He does not. In my opinion, why would he. He has gotten to do everything in his little world he has wanted to to make himself feel better while I have suffered without. Now if I stay he gets that too. Anyway, my question is when should I actually file. I don't want to rush into any decisions for fear of making the wrong one. I cannot see how we could ever have a real relationship. We never really had one in the first place. Now I do not trust him at all. It is not the addiction. It is all the hiding and the lies. He is not like most people I have encountered in my..let's call it "colorful" life so far...that were manipulative and you could see them trying to get away with it. This man is seen as nice and sweet and sincere. Well, he has always looked that and he has been leading two lives. Why would I go back to someone that can hide that well and lead me down a path of destruction again. It kills me that he wants to stay and I worry that I will out of stupidity. I might forget how bad reality is while I am away and trying to forgive and learn to love again.

Any advice would be appreciated. I have lurked here for some time and I look forward to sharing on a very informative board.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I would absolutely insist that he get counseling for his porn/m problem, and not live together until he is working on it. As you know, it is impossible to compete, and it sounds like your husband's addiction is very entrenched.

I hope you are still out of the home.

What is P&M?

I had already been moved out two weeks when he told me that he wanted to admit to having wandering eyes. He played it up and I had a hunch so I probed for more on porn. He said he did not watch porn because he did not watch it on TV. Just on the computer. Thus began the lying. I cornered him with the facts. He then admitted to watching it on the computer and taking care of himself sexually. Since that time he has lied about how long he has been doing all this twice and frankly I still don't believe him. The latest is that he has been doing it for 3+ yrs. I believe he has been into it all since before we met. There have always been issues for us sexually and he has now admitted some things about his past that make me think there is more there than he wants to admit. After moving out he did not seek counseling. I was so done before I left that I did not insist right away. I was very tired of being the catalyst for change. It was important to see him make a move on his own. He said he missed me, but he bought a new TV and then said he did not have the money for counseling. I blew and told him I would not speak to him until he made an appointment. Now once again, I do not trust him to grow on his own. He has made some major changes in the last month, but I have been done with all of this for a long time.

You can count on me not moving back in. My concern is that he is just saying and doing all the right things now because he sees that I am serious. I am no longer wearing my ring and have been very clear about my intention to file. I have put together a way for us to settle financially and we have agreed. He still seems to hang on to hope and it makes me feel like crap. I feel unloyal and I am not the one who broke the marriage covenant to smitherenes. I want to do the right thing and as anyone knows that has been through this kind of thing, my emotions are reaking havok on me and while some things are so much clearer than I ever hoped they could be others are so muddy I cannot see the way at all. One day at a time right now. I only know three things 100%.

-I am not to put up with the things that were happening. Serious boundary time.

-Fill the void of pain with God's love. No person will ever love me the way he can.

-I will never live at that residence again..ever.

I have begun to move all my stuff out and he is still saying to people that I am just getting some things that I need.

Porn and Masterbation

Time will tell. I would stay out, and get a good life going. Either he will work on his problem, or he won't. It is not up to you to do it.

Agreed, but when to file. I feel like time is only making him have false hope. Even if he shows changes right away it will be years before I know what is true. The only reason all this is coming out now is because enough time went by for life to expect more from him. I could wait a year and say he is making great changes. Say then we have kids and the pressure is on and he goes away in a hole again. My worst fear is that one day I would find out he is gay. During the entire marriage I never saw one shred of evidence of his actions. Only a hunch from his behavior. He is very good at hiding things.

What kind of behavior makes you wonder about him being gay?

I have read some information on the new life website about same sex attraction and it described his upbringing to a T. What concerns me the most is the fact that the past two years I have worked very hard to stop the love busting on my part and shed the bitterness I had been harboring. In doing that I began to learn to connect with him as an adult even if he did not reciprocate. The more healthy I got the more he went away. Right before I moved out we really began to connect and communicate. I invited him back in so the invite was as open as it gets for him to show some shred of wanting me and he withdrew again further than before. He says he wants me, but his actions say he does not.

I should also say that I have tried the visual stimulation. This did not prompt him to show any desire towards me. He commented on other men looking at me when we went out like he was proud of that, but then was happy to just have dinner and hang out...no more.

I also have a fear of this because of his ability to hide things. In my mind this is the worst thing that could happen and I could see the worst happening because he has already proven how much he can be doing and thinking without me knowing. I would have to say I pride myself on being able to read people and he had me way fooled. He was so nice....he would never do that to me. Well, he is nice until he is not.

Well, is he watching gay porn on the computer? That would be a dead giveaway.

I work with a gay guy that has had a 10 year relationship with a married man. Creepy.

Creepy sure enough!!! I hear about these things all the time.

I have decided I don't want to know if he was watching it on the computer. I already know of a big enough lie to know I can't stay. He hid all of these things he was doing for the entire time I have known him. That deception cannot be the basis for any kind of good relationship in the future.