For the past 2 yrs it has been an roller coaster ride for my marriage. 6 mos ago I found out for sure my spouse of 22 years cheated on me with his Boss lady. He denied my suspicions for the previous 1.5 years that she wanted more than a working relationship with him and when I had undeniable proof I confronted him. He left for a few days but called constantly. He did state that he had "been Bad" and wanted to come home and be with me. I allowed him to come home if he agreed to disconnect from her completely and devote himself to our marriage and family. He came home and took a new job locally. Now I find that the OP has moved back into our area and has been in contact with him. I have not let him know that I am aware of this situation. I have done all that I can to "try" to trust him and believe that he wants this to work. He has over the past 6 mos. acted like this is where he wants to be but for some reason is still allowing communication between the two of them. He will not tell me he Loves me- and it is hard for me to cope with. He will kiss me and replaces the space where I love you should be with have a nice day. Any comments....

Yes, your still WH has to establish NC with the OW or you cannot effectively move forward with recovery. As long as they communicate with one another the fantasy remains alive in some form. NC now!!

Have you exposed A to people that can help and put pressure on them to end it?

Plan A, read the threads about it !

If they are in contact there is still an affair.

Learn about, and start a solid Plan A. The basic outline provided by pepperband is as follows.


“Peps” The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm, comfortable and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking and not asking for acknowledgment, approval or anything in return.

Stop all lovebusting behaviors. These include selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, angry outbursts, annoying habits, independent behavior and dishonesty.

Communicate with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remain open to the possibility of recovery.

Offer forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking of the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicate the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establish boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financial security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Stand up to infidelity as a beast that must be slain for the good of the family.


EXPOSE

Affairs thrive in darkness and secrecy. It must be revealed. Wayward spouses are like vampires and exposure is the morning sun. They can't live with it.

The WS will probably be furious about the exposure but it must be done. Your marriage can survive the relatively brief period of anger after exposure but it can not survive a prolonged affair.

In the end for you to build a new marriage the A must die and NC (no contact) for life must happen between your WH and the OW.


“It is an approved maxim in war, never do what the enemy wishes you to do, for this reason alone he desires it.” – Napoleon I

Yes. There are several people whom are aware and have told him that in order for him to move forward with our marriage he needs to put the OW out of the picture. His brother (whom he respects) has told him to get it together. I know that he has told the others that his contact with OW is no more. He still believes that they don't really know for sure -- but they do. I feel as if he thinks he is smarter than the rest of us and thinks he is hiding his communication to the point that I do not know. When I addressed the issues of communication over the past 6 mos. he says he is not speaking with her- but comments made indicate otherwise.

HB, expose the affair. Make up a list of targets that would include the OW's family members, your family members including children, your pastor, etc. Call them up and tell them about the affair and ask for their support in saving your marriage.

Affairs thrive on secrecy and exposure is ruinous to them. It may not kill it right away, but it will sure inflict a much needed dose of reality.

You need to snoop again and rebuild your evidence file.

Is the OW married? If she is the most meaningful exposure is to her husband. This is tough, but must be done.

There has to become consequences for their actions or they have no reason to stop the A.

He once worked for her. What is the work situation now? Are they in a similar business that will offer continued contact?

he may not be talking to her but email, texting etc is all contact. It MUST be broken if your H wants to save your M. You have received some good advice here, HB40 and read up on the infidelity stuff here. print off for your H to read too if he is serious about recovery.

What ML said is sooo true....affairs LOVE darkness (lying, deception)but bringing them into the full light of day (truth, honesty) will kill them.

hang in there...it will get rough but the fight is worth it

The OW is not married-newly Divorced. When she came to work for the company he worked for she was married. Her husband told her after she moved he & their children decided not to move. She immediately turned to my husband as the male figure in her life. I told him that she was looking for pitty and more. He said she just needed a friend as she was new to our area. Her daughter ended up moving here and then decided to go back to daddy. OW then continued to require my husband to work late on ridiculious projects, etc. He said he didn't mind helping her. (He is generally very giving of his time to others in need.) It was her first real job in this type of position and she sucked him for information and help. Which he gave. As time went on her demands increased causing our relations to develop issues. She was offered another position several hours away after being here for 1.5 yrs. I suspected Affair but no proof. After she left, I found that he was looking for a job in her area and asked him questions. He then took a job with a company traveling for 8 mos. During that time I got proof of the A and brought it to his attention when he came home (after spending a week with her). That is when I asked him to leave and he left for several days, calling constantly and said he wanted US (Me and kids) to be his family. I told him NC with OW and he agreed. But I have found that he had contacted her & vice versa periodically (unsure how often). Found an email in Sept that she sent with a resume for her & job application to move back closer into our area. She took a job about 150 miles away for a few months and now found she has moved back just 15 miles from here. My husband now works close to home for a different company than before. She still works in the same line of work as she did before just a different company. She has no family in our area- is living with a girlfriend who thinks A are okay. I know she will pursue him as long as he allows it. As long as I say nothing about her or question him our relationship goes fairly normal. If I rock the boat he is angry and says why does it always go back to the same old stuff. I am unbelievable nice to him all the time and rarely question him. He has ample opportunity to continue contact with her at work as he is in a Supervisory position with private office space and she does too.

An affair is not "normal." It is ruinous to your marriage. Saying nothing and doing nothing when the Titantic is sinking is not only dysfuncitonal, but will get you DROWNED. To pretend like everything is "normal" is to ENABLE the affair.


HB, he has no reason to stop his affair as long as you tolerate this and continue to enable him. It seems you have made your highest goal to avoid angering him. You do so at the expense of your marriage.

If you want to do something to save your marriage, educate yourself on Marriage Builders principles. If you don't want to save your marriage, then just keep doing what you have been doing. Here is a good link that might help: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3014240

Thanks for the reply. I know I have avoided certain conversation to prevent arguments. I have been married to my husband for almost 23 years and am devestated to find that he actually did this to me. I read the link that one responder provided and it is all familiar. I want my marriage to work and actually am suprised that I am willing to try to work through this. I thought if this ever happened to me it would just be over- no reconcilation. But for some reason, I want him as a partner in my life and try to find reason to blame this on the fact that he turned 40 (now 43) and was going through some phase in his life.