I know I have a problem opening up to people and letting them in. She said she thinks that since my mom died when I was 11 I wont let people get close to me. I dont know if that is true or not.
After we calmed down she said she is lonely and doesnt think I love her or care for her. I told her I still have a problem with the a. and I know some things about the a. that she will not tell me.
imconfused2,
Please go back and carefully read both of the above quotes again and study what you have told us.
On the one hand you are telling her to open up and be completely honest to you about her affair, and then on the other hand admit that you don't open up and let people (she is thinking HER) in.
Think about that for a minute. How can you possibly ask complete honesty and being open from her and yet not have to require it of yourself? Why should she have to do what you won't do?
Here is what I have found very effective in dealing with my wonderful wife and women in general...
LISTEN to what she is saying. A mature man in a relationship LISTENS to his wife and digs to figure out what her thoughts and feeling are behind her words and actions.
Here is what I believe she is saying to you and the solution that I think will work....
She is saying that she wants to FEEL that you love her. (Simple so far huh?)
The question then becomes this... HOW can you HELP her to come to the place that she FEELS your love and affection?
It isn't always the big things with women. Matter of fact, it is very rarely the big things. How many times have I seen a woman leave a man and then he suddenly wants to turn into Don Juan and sends her flowers, rubs her feet, starts doing the laundry, the dishes, vacuum the carpet, give the kids a bath and on and on and on....
And what does he get?
"TOO LITTLE TOO LATE"
Suddenly he can't do enough after years of laying on the couch and letting her take care of everything. She slowly feels like his MOTHER. Just another kid to take care of. And us men then wonder why she left us for another man. Seems pretty understandable from her view.
Here is what you should do.
Next time you are both alone and have some quiet time try this:
"Honey, I have been doing some thinking. I was thinking about what you said to me the other night in how I don't show you enough affection and you don't feel like I love you. (this next part is very important) I want to tell you that you are RIGHT. I also want to tell you that (these next words are hard for a man) I am sorry for making you feel that way. I do love you, but I realize that I haven't shown you enough affection.
and then SHUT UP. Short, sweet, to the point. And then be quiet. No matter what she says back to you, keep agreeing with her that she has been right and you have been wrong regarding this issue. Do not defend yourself, but agree with her point of view.
Make it soft spoken and sincere. Do not bring up anything about her being honest or not being honest with you. Just DROP that part of the subject for now. This is when you will be learning how to be a mature, confident, humble, kind man who LISTENS to his wife and takes HER FEELINGS into consideration before his own.
Then in the next few weeks SLOWLY start to do little THOUGHTFUL things for her. My wife gets up every morning and has a cup of coffee ready for me with my favorite condiments in it. EVERY MORNING. And she does it cheerfully.
She doesn't make a big deal of it or a big scene about it. However, I DO notice and appreciate it.
What kind of things do I do for her? If I see a load of laundry that is finished and sitting on the stairs and I am going that way, then I take it up with me. I put the clothes away. I do it in the same spirit that she does. No big scene. I don't ask her if she knows that I was thoughtful and did it without asking. I just do it.
Learn how to be a HAPPY man. Women LOVE men who have a sense of humor and can make them laugh. Have you lost that part of you? Start to act and be a happy, mature, thoughtful man. Don't smother her by trying to suddenly becoming Mr.Mom. Just slowly and consistently apply small subtle changes to help her out with her everyday woman struggles. Come up behind her in a week or so after your "talk" and rub her shoulders for 10 seconds or so and then just walk away without a word.
Do you pick up after yourself? If not, then start doing it.
Study her and learn and observe what makes her tick. Make her life EASIER, not harder. Stop the relationship talk and start the relationship walk.
Talk kindly and softly to her. Show happiness in your life. Stop complaining. Women tire of a man who is constantly complaining and whining and moaning. When you stop these things, she will start to FEEL secure. Women who feel secure with their men, FEEL love.
Remember.. Most women relate their lives to their feelings.
Women love confident, happy, and strong men. (Emotionally strong) My wife tells me all the time that she loves it that she feels that I am emotionally STRONGER than her. Why?
Because when she goes into her "feeling" mode, then I go into my "listen and agree with her feelings" mode.
Do I have feelings? Yep. She doesn't need to know all my problems at work or my complaints about the government or how my golf game sucks right now. That is giving her unnecessary things that are not good for a relationship as a habit. I have male friends to complain to about those things. That way I can be that happy, mature man at home and my wife can FEEL my love and affection because of it..
Good luck...
