I have been monitoring my wifes emails and reading her diary that the councelor told her to write. I of course told her I would never read it. The affair was terminated in March of 06, in Aug of 06 she was writing in her diary how she can't stop thinking of he and desiring him and that she doesn't have any feelings for me and she questions what her future is with the other man and me for that matter. Should I bring this up at the counceling meeting.....on the email front, we had a anniversay get away that including making love in front of a fireplace at a remote cabin, when she told her friend about the weekend she specifically told her she had a good time but we did NOT have sex....what the ******? That was in late sept 2006.......need help here!!!!

b, what was it about the OM that attracted your w to him? What need was he meeting that attracted her?

Do you have any of the Harley books, such as His Needs, Her NEeds and Surviving an Affair?

I wouldn't tell her you have been reading her stuff, that would give away your source.

I think you need to realize that you have betrayed your wife's trust by telling her you would never read her diary, then going ahead and doing it. This makes it unsafe for her to trust you, so how can you be surprised if she doesn't trust you?

She will be inspired to love you when you are the man she needs. You need to be trustworthy and understnding. If she has feelings you don't want her to have then she needs to feel so free and safe talking to you about it that she doesn't feel the need for secrets or lies. It isn't good enough for you to just trick her into feeling safe either, it needs to be real. It is not your job to correct her or to judge her, it is your job to love her no matter what. If you don't want the job, then there are other men who will so you need to decide if you love your wife enough that she is worth changing for. If not then why don't you let her find someone who could love her enough?

SamnSon, there is nothing untrustworthy about reading her diary. There is something untrustworthy about having an affair. No one has the right to the privacy to have an affair. He has every right to read each and everything she writes. The only mistake he made was making such a silly promise in the first place.

However, he should not give away that he is doing this so he can continue to monitor her behavior and protect himself.

While I agree that he should not have told her that he wasn't going to read it and then go ahead and read it... I think an affair requires the BS to be vigilant to protect themself and their family against another assault. This may truly be one of the few times where the end justifies the means.
I think the bigger concern here is for what has been written in the diary... not how it was found. And frankly, Dr. to say to a man whose wife has already had an affair that there are other men who would take his job if he doesn't want it, suggests that you do not have a doctorate in empathy! It is NOT the job of a spouse to sit back and love their H or W "no matter what." That is a bunch of bull crappy. It is the job of a spouse to do what they can to help protect their marriage and family.
Since you were, for some reason, moved to put your education credentials in your signature line... I would suggest that you spend some time reading on this site the words of Dr. harley who I would assume is a bit more experienced concerning this particular topic.
To the original poster, I would suggest that you get to the heart of where your wife is now... rather than 6 months ago... and as has been suggested to you... I would not reveal your source of information at this point. I would however put more faith in what your wife is doing than what she is writing in her journal.
Good luck to you.

MEDC , PIA, BMF

the other guy was my best friend, we were very simular and I was working a lot, he specifically told her have the affair started that he had planned it for almost a year...so he was specifically asking questions about my wife as it referenced his wife as he was having problems in his marriage. So he used me to hook her...And since I was working a lot he was more available and told her everything she wanted to her......pretty hard to difuse that when you don't know its going on....and she was as naive as the day is long as to what his intentions were....

LOL MEDC! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thought you might get that Mel. lol

dat was a good one! hahaa

Wrong. It is totally untrustworthy. There are far BETTER ways for a BS to save a marriage than this kind of advice.
FAR BETTER... Promising never to read her diary and then reading it because you are snooping because of ones own insecurity is no excuse and I don't care what reason you give to excuse it. Find another tactic. There are many others to use that don't require this unacceptable behavior.
Her having an affair does NOT give him "rights". If it does, then she has the right to tell him it is none of his business. You will accomplish much more by being much wiser.
This type of snooping is stupid.

LOL from me too MEDC.

I agree that the diary should be read (I'm an FWW). As an FWW I expected anything I did/wrote would be looked at by my H after d-day. However, it is a great pity that your W can't share it with you. It would have/could still be a great tool for discussion between you.

I kept a travel diary when we were away overseas. It was during the A and contained a lot of soul searching by me as well as travel information.

During the first few months of recovery I showed it to my H when he was still struggling to understand everything. It helped with our communication as he could see where I'd "been in my head" during the A.



Yes I know all about this poster but this made me laugh. Gee, I wonder why someone would be insecure after their spouse had an A. (sarcasm)

I really wish she would have shared it with me, my need to understand is huge and she doens't what to rehash it as she is embarrased and ashamed as she should be. To much of the attention has been on how the wife feels. I told her that the way the focus is, is like being runned over by a truck and I'm laying in the road, then you find out that your wife was driving the truck and all the concern is about how she feels and hoping she can get thru the tough times...meanwhile and bleeding to death in the middle of the road..... She lost all rights when she screwed my best friend.... you can't have a secret diary when you have proven to you husband you are untrustworthy.... keepmovn4wrd is not thinking right at all. There is NO other way to independently assess how she is doing then by her own words......argue with that!

Disagree with you on this one, Keep. Here's the deal...his wife is already the 'untrustworthy one'. He should have never told her that he wouldn't read her diary...that was his greatest mistake.

Once an affair begins, the WS must go to extreme lengths both to end the affair (NC) and to begin rebuilding trust. The whole "open book" policy. And bluntly, the ONLY way that a BS can regain that trust is by SEEING that they're FWS is no longer lying and being untrustworthy...the only way to do that is to spy. It's to see in a fashion that the FWS cannot fake (because they don't know how the BS is obtaining the 'proof') that the FWS is now behaving in a trustworthy fashion.

By seeing that his WS/FWS is lying to her friends about the relationship with him, and lying to him about feelings about OP...it's clear that she's NOT being trustworthy.

Once the BS becomes secure that the FWS has again become trustworthy, they can relax the 'trust, but verify' policy as they feel appropriate.

Secrets in a marriage=affair breeding ground. Privacy goes out the window once trust is destroyed in an affair. Bottom line.

Thank you owl.....now a toughy, do I discuss with her counselor that I have read her diary and monitored her emails and all does not appear as she has said it.....I don't get it that she told her friend in a email that she had a good time, but didn't have sex with me, when we very much did...big time in front of the fireplace wine and all.....it was real good and she seem to have enjoyed it a lot.....very confused about this????

Was this friend a male, or female?

Makes me wonder if she was trying to justify her actions by painting a picture that's uglier than reality.

Now...here's my question for you. These diary entries are from when again? Back in Sept? If so...what's your situation NOW?

The now is more important than the then...unless she's still in the same emotional state she was then.

Make sense?

Could she have been thinking the friend might mention it to the infidelity partner?

NADA, you are wrong, as usual. It is untrustworthy to have an affair; it is not untrustworthy to CATCH someone having an affair. No one has the right to the privacy to have an affair. The only thing that he is guilty of is making a bad promise. And the only thing worse than making a bad promise is KEEPING a bad promise. But, there is NOTHING untrustworthy about reading her diary. He has a RIGHT to read each and every line she writes! He has a RIGHT and an obligation to do as much snooping as is needed to find out what she is up to.

Dr Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


"So one of the most common clues of an affair is an unwillingness to let a spouse investigate all aspects of life. If two lives are necessary for an affair, and if a spouse is curious enough, the secret second life is relatively easy to discover. Difficulty in getting a spouse to talk about events of the day can be a sign of trying to hide the second life.

One of the most common smoke-screens used by unfaithful spouses is to express shock that their spouse would be so distrusting as to ask questions about their secret second life. They try to make it seem as if such questions are an affront to their dignity, and a sign of incredible disrespect. They figure that the best defense is a good offense, and so they try to make their spouses feel guilty about asking too many questions.

I am a firm believer in letting each spouse do as much snooping around as they want. Nothing should be kept secret in marriage, and no questions should be left unanswered. If a spouse objects to such scrutiny, what might he or she be hiding?"

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

it was her best friend (female) the problem I am having is she is no longer writing in her diary nor writing emails to her friend...and no she didn't find out I was monitoring them...they decided that they should talk on the phone more...she is in a different state....and the emails were to few and far between. so now they are talking regularly...which is good for her....but now I have no way to assess what is really going on with her...very very frustrating

What phone does she use to talk to her friend? Is it a landline or a cell phone? Where do these conversations take place?

The calls are on her cell phone...they take place in different rooms in the house....the conversations are about 10% affair and 90% other stuff....I could hear one of her calls...I don't know if they are all like that or not..