From the last time that I've posted, everything was going well...until recently. My husband and I were on good terms until he seen my son eat with his hands and my daughter not paying any attention to him. It is also some other problems that he has, but I cannot discuss because I don't want to have those exposed. Then he just went off on me with some VERY hurtful things, like I wasn't a good role model for my children. *Note: he was drunk at the time, but I still don't see it as an excuse. But it was one thing that really got me to thinking. He told me that he married me out of obligation. My husband sees it as a way to straighten me out. I see it as verbal abuse. I couldn't speak throughout the conversation because I have a temper. I was liable to cause a physical altercation, so I stayed quiet. After he was done, I went to our room and collected my thoughts to what I needed to say to him. I'm trying to be the bigger person and not lash out in anger. I'm not going to say that I didn't cry; I did cry. Who wouldn't cry after the hurtful words that was said? I thought about our children and our child on the way, the military life (my husband is Active Duty Army), and whatever I decide it is both of our decision. I'm thinking about whether or not to divorce, whether or not individual counseling is needed (I know that I need counseling due to the 3-year battle with depression which isn't dealing with the marriage itself) and, sadly enough, whether or not to cheat. I'm just getting it out there that I'm not perfect. I know that the work of a soldier never ends and is VERY stressful. I also think that he needs counseling because he has been deployed before and might be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. He has all of the signs.

After I've gotten it all together, I told him that we both are in need of growing and our marriage is near its end. I also told him that either we go through both couples and individual counseling or we need to divorce. Plain and simple. I want to discuss it further with him, but I think my wording was wrong. I sounded as if I was giving him an ultimatum. That is NOT what I've strived for. This isn't the first time something of this caliber has happened. I've never dropped the "D" bomb on him, but he has on plenty occasions. I still love him, but I'm honestly not sure about him returning the feeling, even though he said that he does. Should I stay or should I go? I'm in a bind and I need help.

SS4,

Congrats on not reacting in your usual way...AO's and physicality...giving abuse for abuse...I know you know that doesn't address conflict, it escalates it.

Have you read all the articles on this website? The Basic Concepts, Love Busters (LBs) and Emotional Needs (ENs)? The four rules of marriage? These are fantastic guides to having a thriving marriage...and in the LBs, there are Selfish Demands (SDs), which are ultimatums...much like what you handed him...plain and simple.

I don't think it was your intent...giving someone two choices...do this or lose me...is an ultimatum.

What you have are many steps in between. Don't step over them. The Army has a marvelous MC offering, which includes weekend seminar (and they use HNHN); IC for you so you can learn about boundary enforcements...and you've already began when you removed yourself from his abuse and thought about what you were going to say, btw.

You can do this.

Find out if they have parenting help, as well. Parenting is difficult...stressful at times. You're all in it together, by choice...find out more of what is available to you.

You are a bigger person than you were before because you didn't react...you thought and then acted. Way to go.

You know your issues...depression, parenting, self-esteem...you know IC is really important. Until you can decide from clarity, using new tools in your life, don't ponder divorce...because what you don't learn here and now, you'll recreate again...and I think you know this. It isn't who your H is...it's who you both are...and how you are with each other.

Considering infidelity is considering putting your H through more PTSD...equal to it, I believe. I'd drop those thoughts immediately...they are coersive and damaging to YOU. Can't be a bigger person when you are thinking of murdering your marriage, can you?

We love by choice, not by feelings...our feelings come from the choice, our acts of love...our Love Banks aren't just what others do for us...say to us...feel for us...we can block love deposits others are making and not see, until it's too late, we were doing so.

Get clarity first...jump into your own power and love your limits...read Harley's books, find IC/MC for you right away...learn how life and marriage can be beyond what you've experienced...

You can do this.

LA

Thank you for the advice. I'm actually taking that advice as we speak. He's going to mandatory counseling as we speak, and I think it's the right thing to do. The cheating thought has been out of my mind ever since I thought about it before. It just isn't right and I'll live to regret it in the end. I'm heading in the same direction as he is with counseling. I just need the number for services on base.

He came home for the first time within a day. He's starting a series of classes. He also went to the mental health facilities, and it wasn't PTSD. From what he has told me, it's a series of things: alcoholism, drug addict (marijuana), depression, and he's just overly stressed. My heart dropped. Luckily, he and I are getting counseling together within a few weeks.

I know that this is going to be a hard road to travel, but in order to keep my marriage intact and stronger, this is something that is needed.