I had a gut feeling that DH was doing something so I have been watching and monitoring him for days. I was going to continue until I had something definite to approach him with/i.e. caught in the act. I won't go into all the details, but he discovered me snooping and I had to let him know of what I was thinking.

We have been married for 17 years and have 4 kids. We have had some really good times and some really bad times. Our marriage has been rocky for awhile now. I have been angry and resentful to him for wanting different things in life as I wanted something else. I left this summer for awhile cause I was thinking that I wanted time away. I went under the guise of visiting family but then told him after I left what I feeling, that I wanted out of the marriage. We discussed things then and I came home. But nothing really changed. In my eyes everything is fine as long as DH gets what he wants, but then that leads me to feel resentful and angry. So I am angry and annoyed towards him, and affection and SF goes down the tube. He told me today that who could blame him if he went to someone else with the way I treat him.

I had told him before that I was in withdrawl, thinking that it might change things but it hasn't. We filled out the MB forms but then did nothing more. Just the other day I told him that I think about leaving him all the time.

Well now it looks like he's taken up with a woman at work. He has been doing some secretive things and I told him about it today. We are suppossed to talk tonight and he has told me that he will tell me everything. He has had flirtatous relationships with co-workers in the past, but this time I think he did more than flirt. He asked today on the phone, what am I going to do when he tells me something that I won't like. I said not knowing is worse.

So after years of thinking I want out of this relationship, I'm not sure how to respond. I have told myself that I need to stay calm and hear him out and not be judgemental, make him feel safe to tell the truth. But I told him that I need to truth if this marriage is going to have any chance at all. We have both said that we hate the thought of breaking up the family, but neither of us has been happy for awhile.

Any words of advice as we have this discussion tonight? What kind of things should I ask? My gut tells me that he is going to be truthful and give me the details. But what do I do from there? How do I handle what I am told??

what are the things you believe that as long as husbands gets what he wants then everything is OK..
what are the specifics...

are they realistic or unrealistic wants and desires
and are they deal breakers for you

ark

DH and I both earn a good income, but both with demanding jobs. His has gotten more demanding over the years. I work at home, but still manage most of the household and kids. With two careers, 4 kids there is not alot of downtime.

We both make an excellant income, but it is all spent, with nothing in savings and alot of debt. He has always wanted nice stuff. Luxury autos, boat, big house. Over the years I would have gladly "downsized" so we weren't working to support this lifestyle. But he does not want that. He's okay as long as we are able to pay our bills, which we can but we can't seem to save anything. I desparately want something different, but he doesn't want things to change.

There has been some instances of abusive behavior by him in the past and some poor judgement on things which I can't seem to let go of. He finally did get help for his anger after I told him if it happened again that the marriage was over. There has other hurts as well by him, so I always seem to be the forgiving and moving on.

He tells me that I am insatiable, that I will never be happy. But what I want is so simple, so I don't understand how he can say that.

In spite of all this he is a good father and usually a good husband, very attentive. I just don't know if this is the final straw. Yes, I accept that my actions helped pushed him in this direction, but why doesn't he understand that his actions are what make me act like I do. I have forgiven him for so much, how do I do this.

Sounds like the two of you need some counseling. I wouldn't toss a good father and husband too quickly.

See what he has to say to you, and be calm and listen carefully. If he starts blaming you for his decisions, you have a problem.

I'm so nervous, I had 2 glasses of wine. He should be home soon and we are leaving to go talk.

We've been to couseling, but didn't really follow thru. When I felt like he wasn't really interested in it, just going along until I got over my latest upset, I stopped trying.

It's amazing that when I put my wants/desires on the backburner, accepting that this is the way things are going to be, things are so good. But whenever the flood of resentment comes to the surface and I'm just annoyed/angry at him all the time and I am quick to throw in his face all the wrongs he has done to me.

So nervous.

Hang in there, and let us know what happens.

Strongly consider counseling with the Harleys...phone number can be found starting at the home page of this site. Get professional help.

Oh, God it was worse than I thought. He has been having a physical affair for a couple of months, during the day. She pursued him, made him feel wonderful, special, wanted. All the things I wasn't doing.

I would fantisize about us separating, wanting desparately to change things but nothing really changed. I knew that I was pushing him away, but I always thought he would keep chasing me as he always had. But fantisizing about something and the reality of it and so different.

I thought I would be glad to find out, that is would be the last nail in the coffin and I could make the break. The only thing that is breaking is my heart. This hurts WAY more than I thought it would. As we talked I stayed calm but I have been crying all night since then.

We talked for hours last night and I believe that he gave me most of the details and answered all my questions. He says he never wanted to leave me, still doesn't, but he so desparately wanted affection, admiration from me and I couldn't get give it to him. SF with us was usually great, just not as often as he would like. But he said that it wasn't about just sex, he liked the way she made him feel, he felt wanted and desired. He thought I really didn't care anymore and I had given him every reason to believe that.

I just don't know what to do today. How do we move forward? What is the next step? What do I need to do, what does he need to do?

Had he agreed to 1000000000000000% no contact with the OW

that's the first step

is she married...

cause then you let her husband know for his own sanity

ARK

Resentment,

Welcome to MB and I truly sorry about your sitch. I can relate to a lot of your story, the breakdown of the marriage, the frustration and resentment leading to anger on your part, same with me. I also said I wanted to take our YS and leave while his A was still an EA (I suspected but didn't know). I know now that I did this to test the waters, see if he would say don't go, lets work on things. He didn't, just silent, bc he was already in his A.

I know the pain is horrible, try to take care of yourself. How are you eating? Try to eat something to keep up your energy. How is the household, upset or calm? Do your children know anything? What are their ages?

I think your WH is saying all the right things, none of which my WH ever said to me. I think you have an excellent chance of saving your M, if that's what you want. Read here, Plan A if saving your M is your goal. I wouldn't make any decisions right now, your in shock.

<<hugs>>

No, she is not married. She wanted DH to leave me, the family.

I feel so stupid that I didn't notice anything sooner. Life has been so up in the air, alot going on, moved 1.5 years ago, kitchen remodel, teenager problems. But we still managed to go out every weekend, just he and I. Still had great sex. I just wasn't very nice to him very much.

He has agreed to end it. But how will I REALLY know that he has ended it? One other time I suspected him, but it was just flirtation with a woman. But I drove myself crazy trying to get all the details. I just can't go down that road again. I don't want to always be checking up on him.

They work in the same place but not in the same area, but will see each other for work issues. With DH job, he could apply anywhere and we could move (we have done this several times already in our marriage). Right now I really want to move, start fresh somewhere new. But the housing market has tanked and I doubt our house would sell right now.

I'm just so numb. How do I take what I now know and continue on with normal family life?

I haven't eaten or barely slept in 3 days. I been wanting to lose weight but not this way. I've put on 60 lbs during our marriage, but DH always told me that I was beautiful and that he still desired me. But OW was small, thin and now he knows what it is like to be with someone different, someone shaped much different than me. How can I compare to that?

Kids are 16, 15, 8 and 6. The older ones knew that things had been rough for awhile, but no they don't know about this. Should they be told? I can't tell family for friends.

Welcome - You have found the right place and people to help you through this. We all know how very hard it is. Hugs to you.

Is there anyone at his work who you can expose this affair to ? His family, her family ? Read up on Plan A. I am sure someone here will post a link for you. (I don't know how to)

Order the books - Surviving an Affair and His Needs Her Needs for starters. These will explain alot.

There are many, many wise people here who will help you on your journey. I am sure they will be posting soon. (lol)

Sending you a big hug - Carnation

Resentment,

Unfortunately we have a name for it here, it is called the A diet...many of us went through it. Try to drink protein shakes or something concentrated to keep up your energy. It will slowly get better. Can you take a walk or to something physical to relieve the stress and try to tire yourself out in order to sleep? Alternatively, there are over the counter meds that help, getting some sleep will help you cope better.

How will you know if the A stops, good question. Have you heard of a no-contact letter (NC)? Your WH needs to send this to her and let you see it and agree to it before it is sent. There are examples here on what it should say but basically it should say that being in the relationship was a mistake and hurt his family and he no longer wants anything to do with the OW and will not have any contact with her and for her to do the same. Then, your WH needs to stick to this, don't answer the calls, e-mails, etc...

Your WH needs to be 110% accountable to you. Provide you with access to his cell phone call details, e-mail passwords, call you with his whereabouts. Does he work with the OW? If so, this needs to end. He needs to either transfer to another job or find another job. There has to be NC for life as this is an addiction, like a drug.

If your WH is willing to do this, expect him to go through a withdrawel period. This is very tough for the betrayed spouse (BS) to deal with as you are dealing with your own grief and you see him struggling. Do not expect your WH to help you initially, therefore it is imperative that you take care of yourself. Try to do something nice for yourself everyday, get a massage, manicure, meet a friend for lunch, go to a movie.

As far as the kids are concerned, no, I wouldn't say anything to them right now, it is too new to you, down the road is a different story, you may change your mind. Right now, try to be upbeat and smile around them, even the youngest will sense your sadness. I know some of this seems counter-intuitive to what you want to do (like stay in bed all day and cry), but it will help you in the long run.

I have been reading a book called "You Can't Fly with a Broken Wing" and in it I saw a good suggestion. It said when you have sadness and grief, you need to let it out, otherwise it will cause both physical and emotional trauma. The suggestion was to go your bedroom privately and set the alarm clock for 30 minutes. Then, let loose, cry, punch your pillow, what ever feels good. Then at the end of 30 minutes, pull yourself together and go on. Next day, reduce it by 1 minute, same thing. Do this for 30 days and see how you feel. It may help you, just a suggestion. If you work at home and with 4 kids, I know you must be an organized person. It may help you if you know that everyday you are allowing yourself to feel the pain and to grieve.

You'll make it through, you are in a good place for help.

Resentment,

The first step is asking your husband if he is willing to end his affair and how to create an environment where it will never start again. If he IS willing to end the affair and be accountable....you don't expose the affair to family and friends or the workplace. If he is NOT willing to end the affair, then exposure is your best shot at creating a hostile environment for the affair. It's not enough to "say" he will end it. He must demonstrate that he will end it by writing a no contact letter, completely opening his life to your scrutiny, being accountable for time and money, answering all questions you want answered.....and doing all of this consistently without breaking no contact. If it were me.....I'd also want a plan in place to either look for a new job, move....something to stop incidental contact because I've yet to see a situation where affair partners work together where contact isn't a continuous struggle that harms the marriage.

It sounds like you've identified some places that you feel you've contributed to the vulnerability of your marriage. Work on those things but don't cave in about establishing the conditions that will help restore trust and get your marriage into recovery. I know how hard this is....most of us do <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Keep posting.

I have her cell number, I so want to call her and tell her to stay away, tell her I know and see what she has to tell me.

Should I do that?

No, don't call her, nothing good will come of it. I know it's hard, try to be strong.

Please try not to call her. I called my OW and wish that I hadn't. Ohio is right - nothing good at all will come of it.

I know it is tempting, but please try not to.

Sending hugs, Carnation

This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do, forgive him and move forward. I have realized too late that this IS what I want, he is who I want, why couldn't I just do the little things that he asked. But then I was asking myself, why can't he do the little things I asked.

I can't believe I'm here. He always made me feel special, that I was his world, now that is gone. He says that it has always been me that he wants and he had asked for changes, but I never listened.

The visions, they are awful. Just imagining what they were like together.

Resentment:

You need a technique to put into action when you start having those visuals. You do NOT want/need to have those images playing in your mind right now...there is enough to deal with.

I used prayer. The Hail Mary, praying for others that were in more need than myself, and, personal strength.

Godspeed.